Who's a Fat Bastard - Mayonaise and sweet green relish.

October 30 2014

      Up at 7:45 Papa Squatch Dayscare was ready to go. Jen dropped the kids off at 8:15. Bella goes to school at 8:45. Christo  does not have school at all today. As usual Bella plays on the floor with Nutmeg before she goes to school. At about 8:35 Bella, Christo  and myself walk across to the school. It's not really raining it's more like wet air. Still, by the time we got to the school my hat was dripping wet.

      Bella drops her backpack in the line and runs off to play Zombie tag with Christo and the rest of the kids. These kids are like, six years old. Zombie tag ? Do you have to double tag the little ghouls?

      With Christo not having any school, and no one to play with I have to find some way to keep him amused. The first thing I did was amuse him by having him sort my laundry. We go through the green room to get to the laundry room and Christo  saw my new workout mat that lays untouched and unloved, unused for two weeks. Every time, I think I can start exercising again, I walk up a flight of stairs and my groin lets me know different.  About all I can do is walk, and I'm doing as much of that as I can.

      While we were down there, I was on him like a drill sergeant on a newbie.

"You call yourself a four-year-old" I yelled into his face.

"drop and gimme 50."

"I can only count to eleven, Papa" he explained

'Then count to 11 five times!" I bellowed with enthusiasm. After a gruelling 30 second workout we had chocolate milk and reminisced about the war.

      I let him watch the Disney Channel for an hour. 

It was a show about princesses, You would think he would have enough of that Princess crap from Bella! 

      At lunch time Christo helped me make egg salad. He cracked the eggs, I peeled them then he mashed them. It was a joint effort to stir in the mayonnaise and the sweet green relish. 

I toasted a beautiful bun and made him an incredible egg salad sandwich. You would have thought I gave him a poop sandwich. The look on his face was priceless/distressing. I made him a peanut butter instead and the lovely Lisa ate his egg salad sandwich. I had my egg salad on lettuce.

      After lunch we started going through the Halloween bins. 

We have eight big Rubbermaid bins filled with all kinds of costumes and props. I was thinking about reprising creepy the clown

but I did that last year. I got something else in mind for this year.

      I set Christo up with some art supplies downstairs in the green room. I drew a half a dozen pumpkin like circles and had him put faces on them to practise for the actual pumpkins we were carving when Bella and Matty get home from school. I'll tell you the kid draws like a 4 year old. Alright he is a four year old. I don't see Emily Carr in his future.

     Brother Steve came by the house with some mushrooms he had picked up on Mount Seymour. He and Lisa made Risotto. 

I have never cared for it. 

      I went and picked up Bella while reducing Christo's brain to jelly with the Disney channel on stun. 

When Bella and I got back to the house, we got set up for the great "Papa Squatch Dayscare Pumpkin Slaughter." Tamara brought Matty up to the kitchen and we prepared our self for the massacre. 

I cut the top of their heads off and had the Kids disembowel them. They each drew a face on a pumpkin and I cut out the appropriate places. 

We have a veritable Pumpkin Army.

     I let the kids play downstairs with Matty for another half hour. I packed up the kids and the dogs and went to visit Mama Lee on the way to the Kids house.

" Do we have to see Mama Lee every day?" Christo said in a voice that made it clear he didn't think so. 

"Yes, and smile, kiss Mama Lee, and use your manners, or I'll sell you to the gypsies." They are always great when I take them there but, it's no fun for them. We never stay long. 

      I dropped them off and when I got home the lovely Lisa was sewing sequins onto her Halloween costume.  Lisa loves Halloween.

      We decided to go have Pizza at the place Brother Steve works at in North Vancouver. The pizza was good and the waiter was a jerk. It's just after seven when we get there, the front guy is a jerk, and the place is empty. Honestly, not surprised. We ordered our pizza to go. I didn't mention the name because I wouldn't recommend it. The food was good, but doesn't make up for the terrible service. 

      We took our pizza and went to visit Michele. Had coffee and caught up on recent events. Spent a couple of hours just chillin then home to bed...for Lisa. I still got stuff to do. Like find out who won the Canuck game, the football game and write this blog. Which is what I'm doing at 9 am this morning after a very good nights sleep. Seven uninterrupted hours of nothingness. If my bladder was bigger than a mouse I might still be sleeping.

That's all I got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Four minutes invested in this

October 29 2014

Como Lake on Wednesday Afternoon

      Papa Squatch Dayscare was up and running at 8:15. I had already been up for half an hour and had two cups of Joe in me. Today was a school day for both Bella and Christo, so really it was more like Papa Squatch Dayscare lite! Christo and I walk Bella across the street to school at 8:45. Christo's school day doesn't start till 9:3o. He had a yogurt and played with Nutmeg for about 15 minutes and then I took him to preschool. Or is it play school? I don't care what they call it, he loves it. He goes for two and a half hours 3 days a week.

Squinty McDuck

So by the time I drop him off and do a quick shop its almost 11 o'clock. I got in another hour of practice on the lap steel.

Your Cheatin Heart is starting to sound like Your Cheatin Heart

and the grandkids can sing along to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

The lap steel learning curve is annoying the crap out of the lovely Lisa! I'm only allowed to play it when she's not here. Bella and Christo on the other hand have no issues with it.

      The meeting I was to have at eleven o'clock downtown was canceled. I had arranged to pick up  Christo at 1 o'clock instead of noon. Because they were giving us the extra time I went and picked him up about 12:30. I could have picked him up at the regular time but there was some discussion about wether or not he could stay late . I was told he could, but Jen was told he couldn't. I took advantage just to set a precedent. If I need to be late I won't worry about him. When I got there they were just sitting down to lunch.

Christo  had already taken two bites out of a cheese sandwich. I would have just hung out and let him finish his lunch but I had both the dogs in the car.

      I went through the drive thru at Rotten Ronnies and got him a McDouble and a small fries.

The best cheeseburger ever, according to Christo

By the time he finished his lunch, we only had about an hour before it was time to go pick up Bella. I let him go into the bedroom and watch a Disney show. Bananas in Pyjamas. What the hell is that? Banana coloured phallic symbols running around in pyjamas!

Maybe that's why Christo  won't eat bananas!

      I played my guitar and watched sports center until it was time to go pick up Bella. We got over to the school about five minutes before the bell. Plenty of time for Christo to go check out the playground equipment. He's got it scoped pretty good.

He comes back to me as soon as the bell rings. We gather up Bella and she tells me about her day as we make the two minute walk home. 

      I got a text message from their dad Christian. He was finished work and was coming to get the kids. I texted him to just go home. I was taking the kids and the dogs to Como Lake and then to see Mama Lee.  

Monster Children

I would drop them off at home before dinner time. Going to the lake with two dogs and two kids is a whole different experience.

I'm at least one arm and two sets of eyes short of actually being in control of the situation. There's a lot of interesting stuff to look at when you're walking around the lake.

They forgot their skates anyway.

Elvis and nutmeg are off leash on the back side of the lake,

away from the traffic. Bella and Christo  take every opportunity to throw whatever they can find,  a stick or a stone into the lake.

We saw lots of little fish and a bunch of finches in the bushes.

We put the leashes on the dogs at the north end of the lake

Bella walks Nutmeg and Christo walks Elvis. I do nothing.

Halfway down the lake is a playground. I sit with the dogs outside the playground while the kids slide and swing and all that good kid stuff.

Christo  went once down the slide and came  running over to me

"I got to go pee Papa, I gotta go pee" he said with a sense of urgency.

"Okay, let's go"I said as I called for Bella. "Hang on Christo, we're almost there!"

"I gotta pee fast Papa!"  We made it! He's only four and he hasn't had an accident in a long while. He used to get so upset.

Back to the playground we go. I let the kids play in the playground for about 20 minutes. Bella was much more interested in collecting leaves than she was in playing on the swings.

Nutmeg was collecting leaves too!

      Then dogs and kids in hand, we invaded Mama Lee's. Our timing could not have been worse. After spending five minutes looking for Mama Lee, and listening to Christo complain about having to walk up and down the hallways, I finally asked the duty nurse where she was. She didn't know. So now, she is walking up and down the hallways that I had just walked up and down looking for Mama Lee. Mama Lee can't leave on her own , she is not physically able to. Our concern is that she fell out of her chair and can't get back into it. We were just getting ready to call 911, when a care aide said she was helping Mama Lee take a shower. I had to take the kids home for dinner so they never did get to see Mama Lee. Mama Lee was more disappointed I'm sure.

      I dropped them off at home. I talked to Christian about tonight's Whitecaps game. When I got home, I turned on the Raptors season opener and game 7 of the World Series. Then lisa got home and my sports viewing enjoyment came to a sudden end. I don't even know who won the games. I do know the Whitecaps lost 2 -1 on a bad penalty call by the referee.

      The lovely Lisa, after 15 hours of work went to bed about 10:30. It's now 12:30 and I got Papa Squatch Dayscare in the morning. I am, as it seems to be lately, finishing this the morning after. 

      I was fooling around with my keyboard and filmed this. Kind of a Big Band version of one of my songs. I had fun doing it I hope you enjoy it. Please remember, I have four minutes invested in this! Share if you like.

http://youtu.be/QeYi_2xS-EU

That's all I got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - the hell with it, I'm going to bed.

October 28 2014

Winter from the kitchen window

      I set the alarm for 7:45. I had Papa Squatch Dayscare going on today. Well at least I thought I had Papa Squatch Dayscare going on today. At 8:30 I was starting to worry, they're supposed to be dropped off at 8:15. I went to get my cell phone to call Christian and find out what happened. That's when I found the text message that Christian had sent me at 8 o'clock last night saying that he wouldn't be working today so he would have the kids. I've got them tomorrow. Well not really, on Wednesday Christo goes to preschool till noon and Bella is in grade one and doesn't get out of school till 2:45. On Tuesdays I get Christo all day. Then I have time to do things with him. He doesn't go to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

      So I was like a leaf in the wind. I had planned for us to ride the Skytrain from end to end. Sitting in the front window of the first car. Having lunch at the Quay after riding the Sea bus. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. I spent hours trying to record a drum beat and I just couldn't get it right.

      Brother Steve showed up around lunch time. I tried to convince him that lunch at Tentatsu was in his immediate future. He said

he was there the day before yesterday or something like that. He begged off at any rate. I never even got to the part where I was gonna pay. Instead I just snacked. A little bit of leftover salad and some leftover pork.

      I spent the entire afternoon trying to record music with a minimum of success. I use this Garage Band program on my Mac

but I do it in my office which is pretty small. It's also pretty full

something is vibrating and it's being picked up by the microphone

and driving me nuts! In between frustrating takes I ran the dry mop around the floors, then I mopped the kitchen and the bathroom.

      I've been playing around with the drum beats on my Casio keyboard. All it has done, is made me realise how erratic my meter is. Not a huge difference and unnoticable without a back beat. But very noticeable when you have a steady beat behind it. Practise practise practise! That's what I need to do. A more better system of recording would probably help too. And maybe some musical ability would help. While I was lost in the music time just flew by. It was just after five o clock when the lovely Lisa called with my Ho warning to say she was on her way home with dinner. Time to do the clean up.

Lisa hopped  in the shower and was in bed by 7:15. I watch the Canucks game against the Carolina Hurricanes. Canucks looked very good and dominated them, we won the game 4-1. After the game I did my Wii Fitness(I'm as fit as a 20 year old) Well my wrist is anyway. Then I watched two episodes of the BBC series Sherlock, which is just finishing up.

      It was an absolutely miserable day today, here at the top of Blue Mountain. It did not stop raining for more than five minutes at a time and I still had to do the recycling and the garbage. I put it off and put it off all day long, waiting for the weather to break.

Needless to say, come 11 o'clock at night, I'm wrestling the recycling out to the curb not only in the rain but also in the dark.

It wasn't raining that hard when I started. I'm pretty sure it's because I was undercover sorting the recycling. When I had to put everything down to open the gate, that's when the skies let loose. It's 11:30 at night and I'm soaking wet. I hop in the shower then settle in to tell you guys about my day. It's 12:30 and I still have to add the pictures and transfer this to my mac. Ah, the hell with it. I'm going to bed.

That's all I got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Moose meat scramble.

October 27 2014

The Zombie Mums , they will not die!

      6:30 a.m. comes early. I fired up the skillet and made  a Moose meat scramble. A little onion, a little garlic and a bunch of hot sauce!

Can't get a Moose scramble at IHOP

      I had an appointment downtown at 9 a.m. and the last two times I went into town during rush hour, it took me over an hour and a half to get there. Today it took 25 minutes. There's a 7-Eleven in the same building as my appointment so I bought a coffee and sat in the car for an hour. I got towed from this same street last week. $88.00 not including the parking ticket, and I'm still bitter.

     I was done in less than five minutes. That my friends, is an actors life. I won't even think about it again. It's how I compartmentalise the rejection.  They wouldn't be seeing me if they didn't like what I'm doing, I keep telling myself. It's not personal I keep telling myself, so I don't take it personally.

      I had a couple of stops to make on the way home. When I did get home I barely had time to pack up the dogs and go pick up Christo at preschool. I picked up Christo and took him to visit Mama Lee. He is always smiling and polite and says hello to all the old girls. He's almost as popular as Elvis and Nutmeg. We spent about 15 minutes visiting with Mama Lee, that's about all he can take! He is only four years old, and besides, old people smell funny.

      We came home and had Christo's favourite lunch. Hot dogs, chips and chocolate milk. 

With the camera again?

I had mine on lettuce.

Hotdog lettuce wraps.

I let him watch a show in the bedroom on the Disney Channel while I caught up on some banking and paperwork. I don't like to let him sit in front of the tube. It was only for an hour so I figured his brain shouldn't liquefy. 

       His dad Christian showed up just after 2 o'clock. We  talked about the  last night's Canucks game

and the upcoming Whitecaps playoff game. He hung around until it was time to pick up Bella at 2:45. Just after Christian left, Lisa texted me that she was on her way home. That's my Ho warning. 

She also told me she didn't have dinner tonight. I took off down to the Stupor Store and bought a bunch of pork.

      "It's shake and bake, and I helped" that's not quite the truth, I did the whole thing. nobody helped!

When the lovely Lisa doesn't bring it home I usually make dinner. 

Dinner ala Squatch

After 15 or 16 hours of cooking she shouldn't have to stand over the stove cooking for me. I really should get her a tall stool! Just kidding. Standing is good for her . I don't know why the Hooker Heels and Fishnet Stockings always seem to piss her off! Lisa has taught me so much about cooking in the last 14 years and I am always happy when I make something she likes. Lisa was in bed by 6:30, Her call time is 4 a.m.

      I watch Monday Night Football. It was a great game tonight. The Redskins beat the Cowboys in overtime. Am I even allowed to say that? Redskins, I mean. If the word Redskins offends you don't read that part. I wonder if the people who are offended, were offended when Washington was winning Super Bowls? Now the Cleveland Indians I can understand!...they suck!! If their nickname was the Squatch's. I'd want them to change it! There I go off topic again.
      The weather predictors keep telling us a storm is on the way. So far nothing. I always know when a storm is coming. Nutmeg is the best early warning system ever! She tucks her tail between her legs and frantically tries to get onto my lap. Most of the time she is on the couch happily snoozing in the lovely Lisa's lap. I get it. It's one of my favourite spots too. I'm talking about the couch but, double entendre intended. Papa Squatch Dayscare coming up tomorrow. Better get some sleep.


That's all I got
Till next time
Peace Out Yall

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - We're pretty good and you guys stink.

October 25 2014

Fall Colours

      I got out of bed about 8:30.  I wanted to finish the blog before the Seahawks game started at 10.  As it turned out I wouldn't have missed anything if I had got there at 11! Interceptions, fumbles, mistakes on nearly every play it seemed. The saving grace was Carolina was even worse. I was practising the lap steel while I was watching the game, it sounds more musical every time I play it. It was 6 - 3 at half time for Carolina. 

      The lovely Lisa had made some lunch for us, the last of the pulled pork. I tried to make pulled pork po' boys lettuce wraps.

They were tasty, but messy!

      While we were having lunch the Sun came out." We should go play golf Lisa" I said. "We can go right after the Seahawks game."

      The second half was much better. Okay, I lied. In 25 minutes of play in the second half, each team only managed to score 3 points!

Then with five minutes left, Seattle got the football back. All of a sudden Russell Wilson was Super Bowl Russell Wilson again. They moved the ball 80 yards and scored a touchdown to take a 13  to 9 lead with 47 seconds left in the game. Then the Seahawks defence, which is one of the best in the league, went nuts! Two sacks put them at 3rd and 25. The defence kept coming, Cam Newton looked more like Fig Newton. Seahawks win and I'm going to play golf. How great is that! 

      We are going to go play at Rupert Park pitch n putt which is closed for the winter. The only thing better than playing golf is playing golf for FREE! They send a guy around a couple of times a week to keep the greens mowed. The regulars made flag sticks out of actual sticks and Penzoil pennants. The city leaves the plastic  liners in the hole and they move the hole every few days to keep the greens healthy.

On our way to the golf course, we swung by Mama Lee's with last night's leftover sushi. 

Sushi Snack for Mama Lee

The food at her residence is pretty good, but its still institutional food. Very few spices and even less texture. To Mama Lee, day old sushi is better than birthday cake!

      When we got to Rupert Park pitch n putt it was unbelievably busy. I guess that's what free does and the Sun coming out didn't really help either. 

There was a threesome in front of us who had obviously not played golf before. We finished the first hole and they were still on the second tee box. I walked up and asked them if they mind if we played through. I said "We're pretty good, and you guys stink!" The one guy who obviously was the golfer laughed and said to go ahead. Fortunately both Lisa and I were at the side of the green. I took a par she took a four. Usually when you play through, you shank the ball horribly. 

      We spent the entire afternoon in beautiful sunshine. Which was good, because it got cold when you went into the shade. 

Lisa was not on her game today.

Woe is me

I beat her like a redheaded stepchild. Squatch 20 Lisa 5.

      We got home and got cleaned up. Lisa has a 3am call time, so she will be going to bed about 6:30. I took some moose steaks out of the freezer a couple of days ago. 

The Devlin's brought them down from Campbell River when they were here for the PNE. Lisa asked me to make her a Cheeseburger too because she wasn't sure if she would like the moose. I did it on the barbecue and screwed it up royally. 

If it was any drier, if it was any tougher, it would be a Nun at a Catholic school. It did have a lot of moose flavour. Lisa tasted it and passed. She prefers Chocolate Mousse!

I sliced it very thin and ate it all just on principle! It was pretty good jaw exercise.

      After dinner Lisa went to bed and I watched the Canucks game. Which is what I'm still doing it's the third period

and we are ahead by a goal.

      Today was weigh day. I should have weighed myself when I woke up this morning. Instead I just did it at 9:07 pm, after three meals and three glasses of sun tea. 

Since I haven't been able to exercise for 10 days or so, I'm pretty happy just to maintain.

      I have to be downtown at 9 o'clock in the morning. That means I have to be up at 6:30 am. I'm going to call it an early night.

That's all I got

Till next time

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Gordon

October 25, 2014

A big sombrero makes a good bed!

     I was up at 8 o'clock this morning finishing my blog. It occurs to me that the reason I can write this blog every day may be because I can't remember what the hell I wrote the day before! Is that the sometimers thing kicking in or am I just like that? I hope if I start repeating myself someone will tell me. I know some of my readers are having the same issues I am, it's like freakin Groundhog day with my friends. I could go back and read what I wrote the day before, but where's the fun in that. 

     I made breakfast for the lovely Lisa and I. Pulled pork and eggs

serve with coleslaw and sliced tomato for me, while the lovely Lisa had a couple of pulled pork tacos.

     I spent two hours on the computer trying to download

my head shot to send to London Drugs On line. I finally loaded it onto a stick and took it down to London Drugs in person. I couldn't download it to their site because it was saved in a weird size. They took me back into the lab and made the necessary adjustments. Sort of. I ended up with a border on each side of the photo. 

It looked alright on the computer I'm sure it will be fine. The tech told me to come back in an hour. Off I went on my rainy day mall adventure.

     I know where everyone goes on a rainy Saturday in Vancouver.

They go to the mall! I can't believe how busy it is it's like Christmas time. Until you look in the stores. Looking around you see the public spaces are full but the shops are mostly empty.

London Drugs and Walmart are the exception. At the mall they have a children's play area that is packed. Conveniently located beside the food court. All the parents sitting around drinking Starbucks. It was funny, there were probably thirty kids and even more parents at the play area. There were probably a dozen nationalities there and who knows how many religions. The point being, all these kids were playing together. Running and laughing and climbing all over the equipment. They haven't yet learned to hate. I didn't take any pictures. That's a good way to get in trouble. Old man by himself at the playground taking pictures of children he doesn't know. That arrest would look good on my resume! It's so busy you can't find a seat at the food court. Not that I'm in any rush to eat food court food.

      I'm sitting writing this at a table above the food court and the smell of the Cinnabons has my sphincter puckering. I don't usually come to the mall. But since things have slowed down for me career wise, I buy my promo shots a couple at a time from London Drugs

I can't justify to myself putting out $300 for 50 shots. They never give them back. If you don't get the part, they just toss them. Six bucks in the trash for nothing. This way I get four shots for $15.

It warms the cockles of my frugal Scottish heart.

Mama Lee loves to go out.

     We told Mama Lee we would pick her up at 6 o'clock and take her for dinner at Tentatsu before the Gordon Lightfoot concert. I always drive them down to the venue, then pick them up after the show. I really like Gordon Lightfoot but $100 ticket! That's like a dollar a year! I saw him in 1975 and he was incredible he had such a rich baritone voice. Then I saw him at halftime of the Grey Cup and it was sad. He was opening for Justin Beiber! He just doesn't have the voice anymore. But he sure wrote some great songs. I hope the girls have a great time.

We shared all this food

Tuna Sashimi

     We ordered a chicken teriyaki dinner, favourite roll combo and a small tuna sashimi. As usual it was way too much food. Like every Japanese restaraunt I have ever been to, it comes to the table quite staggered. Why does it take so long to get sashimi when they don't even have to cook it! The chicken teriyaki came five minutes before the sashimi. It fed  all three of us and we took ten pieces of sushi home in a doggy bag, where it will sit in the fridge until it grows into something resembling  a science experiment.  I know, I know, there's very few things better than day old sushi to prime the plumbing. I can hear the Poop Fairy's wings flapping in anticipation just thinking about it!

     I made a Beeline to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. 

This is where they put the Handicap seats.

It was now 7:30 and the show starts at 8. I pull up just as they start seating people. There is a big line up but when Mama Lee gets into her Wheel chair the seas parted and they slid to the front of the line. Same thing happens on a cruise and at Disneyland! 

     I am sitting in the McDonald's at Main and Terminal nursing a small soda, sucking up the free Wi Fi  and enjoying the freak show that is available free of charge to anyone brave enough to go there at night. I sat in the truck listening to the last half of the Whitecaps game on the radio. After the game I sat where I could watch the truck, and still see what was going on. The Whitecaps game had just ended and they won. Off to the playoffs! 

     Now the place is full of kids. It must have been mini ball night or something.  It seems like every kid in here has one of them. And they're all bouncing them at the same time but not together. It was annoying.  One kid in particular kept yelling "look at me dad, look at me", as he tossed the ball against the window 3 feet from where I was sitting then   I thought about offering the kid a buck to go somewhere else, but strangers giving kids money at a McDonalds probably goes over as well as taking pictures of kids in a playground. 

     It's 10 o'clock now, Lisa called and I'm headed back to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre to pick up Lisa and Mama Lee after the Gordon Lightfoot concert. Mama Lee and Lisa said that they really enjoyed the concert even though his voice is somewhat weak and somewhat monotone. 

Gordon at full zoom!

Hell, he's 75 years old.  Lisa told me he said he was happy just to be above ground and singing! I stopped at the McDonalds on North Road on the way home. Mama Lee and Lisa both wanted Rolo McFlurry's. I had nothing. We got Mama Lee home and in her room by 11:15. 

     Lisa and I called it a day, I tucked my darling in and then got up  to finish this. Which I never did ! It's 10:30 Sunday morning and I'm trying to get this done so I can enjoy the Seahawks game. 

That's all I got 

Till next time

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward