Who's a Fat Bastard - "And the problem is?"

January 30, 2015

Cargo ship in the clouds

          Today was one of those days that come by on the Left Coast maybe twenty or thirty times each winter. Sorry. I feel guilty just calling what we have winter. It was 14 degrees today, that's about 58 for my American readers. Who live in the last place on earth not using the metric system. I am feeling a lot better today. My war with the Poop Fairy seems to be over, or at least a truce has been called. Christian didn't work today so I didn't have Papa Squatch Dayscare. I bailed yesterday and Jen ended up taking Christo to work with her.
      I'm not one to lay around feeling sorry for myself. I prefer to try to go on normally and make everyone I come into contact with as miserable as I am. I'm pretty good at it. I don't seek out attention. But when some one/thing gets my attention, I can be short tempered and mean! Instead of my usual short tempered and sarcastic! I have, over the years, spent many hours chasing the lovely Lisa around the house apologising for some comment I made. Most times I don't even recall what I said let alone why it pissed her off! That didn't happen today.
      We were in bed before 11:00 last night so naturally I was up and at the keyboard, drippy Joe in hand before 6:00 a.m writing the double header I posted yesterday. It took a lot longer than it usually does. I took an antihistamine yesterday and they always make me fuzzy and easily distracted. I know, it can be hard to tell the difference! The lovely Lisa won't let me take Neo Citran! She says I get totally wasted! I say "and the problem is?" It makes me sleep like a dead thing. The lovely Lisa is freaking out, checking for a pulse!
      Three hours and four cups of drippy Joe later the blog was posted. The lovely Lisa and Bro Steve were going to go and try to get some use out of their Cypress Mountain Season Passes.

Tough Skiing

Ski Bunny Lisa has been up twice already and this is Bro Steve's first time this year. Ski bunny Lisa was getting ready to meet him in North Vancouver for the ride up the mountain.
I was geared up, gave her a kiss, just in case she hits a tree. I don't want to be that guy on the news saying I never got to kiss her goodbye. So I slipped her some tongue and headed down to the Green Room for my workout.
      What ever I got going on is rapidly converting expended energy in to rivers of sweat. I usually stay relatively dry during the floor exercises. Not today I was dripping by the third set! By the tenth set, the small of my back was creating suction against the M B Ho Memorial Pilate's mat when I moved. Mole Boy is still with us so Memorial is not technically correct because he's not dead. He will be some day and I wanted to beat the rush! The Belly Crunches were the worst. Every time I pulled my legs up it sounded like I was farting. I could hardly do the exercises I was laughing every time it happened. Hey, farts are funny! Ask any kid. Funny noise, funky smell, it even feels pretty good. I'm a kid, farting is way up on my list of things to do today. Fifteen sets of my five floor exercises and 200 One Stair Steps and I was liquid. I watched an episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine. Funny show. It's only twenty-five minutes long and I had plans.

Ridden hard and put away wet!

      I grabbed a quick shower, a plate of sausage and eggs, grabbed the Rat dogs and my sticks and we were off to play golf at Rupert Park. What a glorious day it was in Vancouver today.

Number three, there's a creek in front.

January 30 and I'm playing golf in my shirt sleeves. The best part of it is, I had a better round than Tiger Woods did! The Tiger seems to be toothless these days. I think he just needs to go back to banging waitresses and he'll be fine! The greenskeeper was at the course changing the hole locations when I got there. The course is closed but they still maintain the greens. Sort of. If the people playing for FREE would fix a ball mark once in a while the greens would be in much better shape. I was fixing three or four on every hole. The Greenskeeper had no problem with the Rat dogs. Elvis of course barked his head off at him and dropped a dog bomb on the first tee box. The best part about Rat dogs, Rat sized dog bombs!
      I was playing 1,2,3 as I always do when I play with myself. Oops, I mean by myself. I could have gone back and changed that but I never met the dick joke I didn't like!
      Fate, Karma, Joss, call it what you want, it was out to get me. Not only did I not get on the green in three tries on number one, I had a wardrobe malfunction on tee box number two. I left my first shot five yards short of the green. On my second shot, as I swung through the ball my belt broke and my pants fell to my knees. I picked a great day to go Commando! With the weight I've lost my pants are hanging off me and I'm too cheap to buy new ones until I get where I want to be. One side of the buckle had become detached from the belt so I tied a knot in it and still had lots of belt left over after I wrapped it around.

Belt to Spare

I have lost more than eight inches off my waist and even more off of my legs. Which are starting to look like tooth picks stuck into a cocktail weenie! I wasn't playing very well today.

Number seven

I made only two ones all day and missed all three four times. I played twelve holes. The last two with Nutmeg under house arrest. On the tenth hole she went missing. I called and called and finally I saw her all the way on the other side of the course. She meandered back towards me, stopping to eat something she found on the ground and once more to roll in something. I put her on her leash and attached her to my golf caddy. It was ironic that it happened as we approached Grateful Bridge.

Help Me, Pleeeeeeeese

Nutmeg was not grateful. I played number twelve and then took the Rat dogs back to the car.
     I was home about 3:00, ate the last of my pears and waited for Ski Bunny Lisa to come off the mountain. I got her a GO PRO last year and the results have been mixed.

The view is worth the trip.

Last time she went up she brought back a twenty-three minute video of her eating her lunch at the car and going to the bathroom. Well, her point of view of going to the bathroom. You did get a good look at her in the mirror while she was washing her hands. She's so cute in her ski stuff!

There were two runs open

Be nice to see some ski footage this time. The problem is the camera is on her helmet. You can't tell if the camera is on or off once it's on your head. She was skiing with Bro Steve today so I'm hopeful.

Bro Steve, not to confused with Br'er Rabbit

       The lovely Lisa had made plans to meet Gord and Penny at the Rivers Reach at 5:00. At 4:55 the lovely Lisa walked through the door with her arms full of ski gear. I was already showered and dressed and watching the Raptors game on the tube. The lovely Lisa went into hyper mode changed and ready to go in fifteen minutes. In the car she told me they were expecting us at 5:30. Which is exactly the time we arrived. Gord and Penny already had a table and my ex wife Sharon was there with them. It's good to see her out and about. She has been having a terrible time with her breathing. Respiratory Therapy and exercise are really making a difference for her.

Gord and Sharon

       Calamari, lettuce wraps and chicken wings for dinner. They do half price appies 3:00 until 6:00.

Rivers Reach Appy Feast

We spent a couple of hours there watching the Raptors beat Brooklyn in overtime. I didn't see it because they turned all the TV's to the Canucks game at 7:00 with twenty-seven seconds left in overtime of the Raptors game and the Raptors up by three. I checked the score on my phone so I knew what happened. Isn't this a sports bar? Bastardo's!! The Canucks gave up the first goal to the Buffalo Sabres, the worst team in hockey. We packed up and went over to Gord and Penny's to play a little cards and watch the rest of the game. The Canucks dominated the game but stupid penalties came back to haunt them. Buffalo scored twice on the power play to make the score seem close, but it was all Canucks. We sat and played cards, drank coffee and chatted. Since they moved into the apartment they mostly come to our place. Four people are comfortable at their place. It's small but quite nice. Gord took my money after the lovely Lisa stabbed me in the back. That's why it's called Screw Your Neighbour not Love Your Husband. At least that's what she says.
      We headed for home after the second period and I watched the end of the game while the lovely Lisa got ready for bed.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - The Nuclear Dumps

January 28 & 29, 2015

      It was a tale of two days. One full of fun and happiness and one of misery and pain. Okay I'm being a little bit of a Drama Queen, but only for storytelling purposes. Wednesday morning I was up and loaded with a cup of Joe an hour before Papa Squatch Dayscare began. I sure as hell hope they don't ever have to sneak up on anyone. You could hear them as soon as Jen turned the car into the back alley. Bella took possession of Nutmeg and Christo joined her on the couch so he could pet her too. Christo has been nipped by Nutmeg several times trying to reach out and grab her. They both just stay away from Elvis. He's a cranky old man. Wonder where he gets that from? We got our coats on even though we didn't really need them. The sun was shining brightly and at 8:45 the temperature was already in double digits.
      When Christo and I got home we had thirty minutes before I was to take him to preschool. So we had a music lesson.

Concentration

He's not catching on quite as fast as Bella did but he's two years younger. He plays the left hand and I play the right.

C F G F C repeat

Just running through chord changes. You think they're not getting it, then all of a sudden, they get it.
      I did it again. I was talking to Christo and next thing you know I'm three blocks past my turn again. I turned around and when I got to the street where I do turn I realised that I never actually read the street sign, I turn just before the convenience store sign. That they took down for repair. I didn't see the sign, so I kept driving. We were still there on time and I learned, after dropping off , first Bella and then Christo for the last four years that Lilian is the name of the street the Preschool is on. There you go you learn something new every day.
      Once I was home I had a couple of hours to get things done before having to go back and pick Christo up. I finished and posted my blog then got in half a workout. 15 sets of floor exercises and 200 One Stair Steps. I didn't have time to ride the Iron Maiden and told myself I would do it after the kids went home. That never happens! I ran through the shower and got to preschool just as the teacher was finishing a story she was reading to them. Christo yells "Papa" when he sees me. I sat off to the side on a tiny chair and told Christo to wait until teacher finished the story. As Christo was changing into his coat and boots I was surrounded by a dozen four year olds all talking at once. Some of them were telling me about the story they just heard. Some were telling me that it was lunch time, and one little girl kept saying "You're not Papa!" "Am to," "Am not," "Am to," "Am not." Why am I arguing who I am with a four year old? Because I'm Papa!
      Christo said he was hungry so we started for home. "Let's stop and say hello to Mama Lee" I said "Okay Papa."

I don't know why he keeps doing the mouth thing?

The flu is going around the care facility but Mama Lee has managed to avoid it. Still, no kisses were exchanged. I had brought a couple of things for Mama Lee that we keep at the house. They make a product called Saliva Sure that fights the dry mouth that comes with some of the medications that she takes. The stuff is $20 a package here! I bought ten packs last time I was stateside for $3.99 each. We spent ten minutes with Mama Lee. We rounded up the Rat dogs and when we got to the truck Christo suggested we go to the lake before lunch. It was another beautiful day in Coquitlam.

The lake was as smooth as glass. That is until we got to our favourite rock throwing spot. It wasn't as busy as it was when the teachers had their Spa Day on Monday but there were still a lot of people enjoying the day at the lake. It only took us about forty minutes to go around once. "I'm hungry Papa." Christo informed me " We Gotta go eat lunch"
      Hot dogs! Yeah! Christo will always eat a hot dog.

I gave him some party mix and half a pear I cut into wedges. Not to digress but, the Bosc pears this year have been amazing! They are so flavourful. And pear flavoured to boot! In the winter I think that we get used to flavourless fruit. It's picked green half way around the world and it may look good but it's tasteless! Same with the tomatoes.
      After lunch Christo asked " Can I watch a show?" "No, we have work to do" I said. It was so nice out I was going to start cleaning up the mess made by the Chafer Beetles Larvae now that I had some room in the green waste bin. I did the raking while Christo played in the yard. I got so into my raking and I was exposing lots of larvae hopefully for the birds to eat. Oops, gotta go! We were once again standing at the light when the bell rang. "Oh, Man" "Christo said." We're late Papa!" I said nothing. When he's right, he's right. When we got to the school yard Bella was sitting on the steps beside the teacher looking like little orphan Bella.

      I never even let them go inside. It was too nice out. I finished the lawn. While they were joined by Matty in the yard. At 3:00 the back yard is in full sunshine this time of year. The kids inspected the grubs, Bella found a LadyBug which she was determined to keep as a pet and I almost had them helping me pick up the dropped pine branches that littered the yard. They each picked up one then went back to playing. The kids started hitting a ball with the bat, which of course they do standing beside each other. It's way more dangerous that way. After Christo clipped Matty with his back swing I got into the game.

Home run!!

I set up a home plate and they took turns hitting while I pitched. Except for Bella. She was still ladybugging.

Matty crushes another one!

Both the boys hit the ball very well. I was just about to take the kids inside as the sun was now going behind the trees and throwing the yard into shadow. It would get cold pretty soon and the kids were without their coats. I made them take them off when I realised that while they were playing in the mud and water that had collected in the sand box, their mittens, which are attached to their coats by strings were filling up with water.

That's when  Christian showed up to get them. Traffic back from West Vancouver was brutal he told me. He was forty minutes later than usual and looked totally bagged.
      With the grandkids gone and not expecting Chef Boy R Lisa home for a couple of hours anyway. I put on my workout gear with every intention of finishing what I started. Instead I started watching the Raptors game and drinking coffee. Raptors win! Raptors Win! The best part was the game was over just before chef Boy R Lisa arrived home. Basketball is not even on the charts for the lovely Lisa. She puts up with my football addiction and can tolerate the Canucks. Ten really tall guys running back and forth in short pants doesn't do it for her.
      Wednesday is the lovely Lisa's Friday night. She works Monday to Wednesday then every weekend is a long one. Sadly it's everyone else's Wednesday night! We have tried to do things on fake Friday but it never works out. After a sixteen or eighteen hour day she is usually nodding off on the couch as soon as she eats. Tonight was no different. She went to bed about 8:30 and when I went to tuck her in ten minutes later, she was already asleep. I joined her about 10:30 feeling very tired.

January 29, 2015

      I'm not usually awake at 4:30 in the morning. I'm glad I was because that's when the Poop Fairy came by and hit me with the big one. That's right, I had the Nuclear Dumps. It left my body so fast and with such force that a mushroom cloud of water rose up from the bowl and slammed into my fat ass like Hiroshima! Oh wait, it gets better. I stood up, I flushed then my stomach did a back flip and I tossed my cookies which didn't make sense because I don't eat cookies! It was mostly dry heaves which is worse than actually puking. I was standing, now naked in the bathroom dripping with sweat. Sorry not dripping, squirting. I had projectile sweat. Half way through my shower the Poop Fairy stopped by again. This time the bombs where more like hand grenades. I never realised how slippery a toilet seat is when you pop out of the shower. I almost ended up on the floor in my haste to get situated. It was 6:00 a.m when I texted Jen to tell her that typhoid Bella had taken me down. She has been recovering from a cold but was well enough to go to school with all the other little petrie dishes incubating diseases to afflict upon unsuspecting Papa's. 

      I woke up feeling crappy about 9:00. I had a headache, I never get headaches and I was congested. I was cranky so I picked a fight with the lovely Lisa over nothing and went back to bed. For ten minutes. I plugged up when I lay down so I got up. The house was empty. Rat dogs and all. Gone! Who's going to look after me? I took a cold and flu capsule and started feeling a little better. I'm not one to sit and whine, feeling sorry for myself. Without an audience it seems pointless! 

      In my cold med induced delirium I looked at the floors and they needed to be done. Three days of Papa Squatch Dayscare and nice weather had filled the house with pine needles and mud. I swept and washed the floors including the bathroom. I had a nice little ephederin buzz going so I changed and went down to the green room for a workout. I'll sweat this mother out! Half way through my floor exercises, I was on my back and I could still breathe! I did a full workout including riding the Iron Maiden through another episode of Lilyhammer. Johnny just dropped the Brit gangsters through the ice. I was doing laundry at the same time as I usually do when I heard the lovely Lisa come home. Then I heard her leave again. I was done. I had a shower and sat in my chair with the radio on listening to the talking heads making excuses for the Canucks and Marshawn Lynch's bad behavior. 

      The lovely Lisa made us a couple of nice steaks for dinner. The first thing I had eaten all day. I was in bed before 10:00 which is probably why I was awake before 6:00 a.m. I'm still not feeling right but I think Typhoid Bella is off the hook. I have totally different symptoms than she had. Feeling a little better today. I live to Blog Again!!

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - A herd of Grandkids in rubber boots

January 27, 2015

Tree Trimming Freak

      I thought I was dreaming. When Chef Boy R Lisa has a call before 2:00 a.m, I just stay up until she goes to work. That's what I did last night. I was in bed by 1:00 a.m and asleep seconds later. Next thing you know I'm sitting up in bed with a bladder near explosion level and a herd of goats running through my head. Okay, a herd of Grandkids in rubber boots running through my house. Jen had Tamara  let them in.  I was wiping the sleep out of my eyes and pretending to be awake. You know how in the movies the kids all get out of the car and run and hug their Grandparents. Christo lets you get close then drops his face so you get a mouth full of forehead. Bella runs straight past me looking for Nutmeg. I don't blame her, I don't ever sit in her lap.
      Our bed is really high and Nutmeg won't jump down. Nutmeg was still in bed. It took Bella a few minutes to track her down and then she wanted to play with her but Nutmeg has a seven hour bladder too. I let Nutmeg out to do her business. I turn around and there's Bella with her coat on. "Can We play in the yard?" she asked me. "It's too wet and you have school in twenty minutes" came the reply. She took her grumpy little butt over to the couch. "I played outside yesterday!" For such a cute kid she can sure work up the evil eye. It was wet out so I knew Nutmeg probably just peed on the back deck.

Happy Happy

No sooner did I let her back in than she was on Bella's lap and all was forgotten and forgiven. Nutmeg was attached to her lap until it was time for her to go to school. At 8:40 we made our way across the street to school. Bella dropped her back pack in line and tore off to the monkey bars with Christo in hot pursuit. Bella climbed as high as she could while Christo came back to me "The slides are all wet, Papa" disappointment dripping from his words. Then the bell rang.
      When we got back to the house I went to work on yesterday's blog and planted Christo in front of Bananas in Pyjamas. It was a lot easier to leave the TV off when I only had the kids for an hour before school. By the time I was finished writing it had started raining. We spent the next half hour making music. Christo is Bongo Boy. I play guitar and he pounds out the rhythm. His timing has gotten very good. I hear him singing to himself all the time but he stalls when I put a microphone in front of him.
      It was another day of wet air. Hard to complain about it when the last two days were so beautiful. It was nearly lunch time. I can't believe how fast the day goes by when I have the grandkids with me. I made a can of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for Christo.

Hot Soup

I had some homemade Scottish Square Sausage that I got from Willy and Annie.

It took him a long time to eat his lunch because the soup was too hot for him but he wasn't going to leave it behind.
      After lunch the rain let up and we were back to wet air. I had the branches I had pruned from the cherryless tree all over the front yard. They were interfering with the wires coming in from the street. With Christo taking photo's, I lopped off a couple of branches that I had missed.

Then I had Christo help me pick them all up and take them to the back lane where I could cut them up and put them in the green waste bin. He carries them one at a time.

"Look Papa, I'm Helping"

I started cutting the branches into pieces that would fit into the green can while Christo picked them up and put them in, again, one at a time. While telling me what letter they looked like. "Look Papa a Y!" "Look Papa a V" "Look Papa an I" there were a lot of I's! Like all kids he loves to help. With his help we turned that twenty minute job into about an hour and a half. That's when Next Door Gord made an appearance. Christo was back in control of the camera and took about thirty-seven hundred pictures of Next Door Gord.

      "Can I watch a show Papa?" Christo asked. I was feeling guilty about sitting him in front of the TV for most of the morning so I said "No, you can vacuum my truck instead."

Child Labour

I set up the Shop Vac for him, removed and cleaned the floor mats while Christo did the carpets. "You be the picture taker now Papa" I was instructed. " Okay, Boss" I said. " I not the Boss, I'm the kid" he explained like I just fell off the turnip truck.

      We just finished up in time to go get Bella from school. We actually got there before the bell rang for a change. Bella's class was third out the door. Her teacher called me over and told me that Bella had a stomach ache earlier in the day but seemed to be alright now. Bella has been fighting some kind of bug for a while now. It may just be her allergies though. The spring plants are already coming up here already. Snow Bells are out, the crocus are starting to poke through and the fruit trees are budding. That's not good. Mid February, we will have a cold spell that will kill everything. Then we won't have spring flowers. Why do I care about spring flowers? Because the lovely Lisa told me I do!        If Bella was not feeling well you would never know it. She lit up as soon as she saw Nutmeg. Can I watch a show Papa? Bella asked. I sent them down to the Green Room instead. Explaining that Christo had enough TV for one day. "I never saw any TV" She whined. "Life's hard then you go to the Green Room" I said, surely setting Christo up for a major Nuggie! I am learning that there is a huge difference between four years old and six years old. Christo still loves Thomas the Train and Bella calls it a baby show. Christo tries to watch the shows Bella likes but doesn't understand a lot of it. So Bella mostly has to watch what Christo watches. It's hard being a big sister.
      They went down and knocked on Matty's door to see if he was home. He was but he was going to the Canucks game tonight and could only play for a little while. When Matty left they came upstairs so Bella could play with Nutmeg. Shortly after 3:00 Christian came from work to pick them up. I tidied up the kitchen, grabbed a bag of Pork Rinds and turned on the Raptors game.
      My Ho warning came midway through the third quarter with Toronto up by eleven. I was so far ahead I left my chair just long enough to reload my Sun Tea. Usually when I get my Ho warning I have to run around like crazy putting everything back in order.
      The lovely Lisa walked through the door with Butter Chicken for dinner and I don't think I could have loved her more!

Butter chicken and a funky spinach salad

She told me her day was insane. They prepped to feed 300 people. They had 150 extras to feed as well as the regular crew. The extras all ate but daylight exteriors require daylight. So the crew wasn't wrapped for lunch until they were wrapped for the day. Ergo, Butter Chicken for me! A quick run down on the days events a shower and the lovely Lisa was down for the count. It's hard to believe but a 2:45 a.m wakeup call is sleeping in for Chef Boy R Lisa.
      I watched the Canucks lose to the Ducks, again. I let the dogs out one last time and called it a day. I was in bed by 11:00 to make sure my bladder would wake me up before Papa Squatch Dayscare starts without me!

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - It's morning now and it stays as written.

January 26, 2015

Como Lake in the sunshine

      Nursing my three pints of Coors Light hangover. Just kidding. Haven't had a hangover in twelve years. I've had numerous other types of overs but none alcohol based. These days there's a lot more fuzz than pain. And I'm not sure if that's not just getting old. I need glasses to read, my front teeth sleep in a jar of disinfectant on my side table and I think country music is cool. Take me now God, take me now! Still just kidding. When I lay off the carbs I'm usually a pretty happy guy. My hardest decision most days is should I cook the pork or the beef. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just started typing because I was falling asleep in front of the TV and the lovely Lisa has a 12:45 a.m. wake up call. It's 12:10 now and I will read this again in the morning and decide if It stays or if it goes.
      I was up before 7:00 and with a cup of Joe I was trying to get yesterdays blog done before Papa Squatch Dayscare starts at 8:15. I have them five days this week. I hadn't even gotten two paragraphs into it when Jen showed up with the kids. Bella had no school today. Professional Development Day. Maybe they could develop the professionalism they need to teach our kids to read. I don't read to Bella any more. She reads to me. Just like I did when Ami was living here. I ask her to read street signs, posters I even made her read the ingredients on the snack bars she wanted me to buy her. She can also tell time on a real watch. I think Christo will pick it up fast, he has had his alphabet and numbers down for over a year and is starting to sound out words and  he wants to do everything that Bella does. Not bragging, just laying out the facts.
      From the moment they got here Bella had Nutmeg in her lap. We had an hour to pass before We had to take Christo to preschool. I admit it. I was a slacker Papa today. I stuck them in front of Bananas In Pyjamas so I could work on yesterdays blog. I don't get that show. Those Bananas are creepy looking. They like it.
      I cut it close time wise and had to scurry the kids and the Rat dogs out to the car. I was hoping on the way that they weren't going on a field trip today. It was such a beautiful day I know they will be outside most of the morning. Bella was in heaven with Nutmeg sitting on her lap I was singing along to a Beach Boys tune in a very bad and not very high falsetto, when I noticed that I was four blocks past my turn. Bella looked at the clock on the dash. It said 9:30. The time Christo was supposed to be at school. " You're making Christo late Papa" Bella informed me. " Oh no Papa, I don't want to be late" Christo chimed in.

" You made me late Papa!"

"That clock is wrong" I lied " We have three minutes" Bella wasn't getting out of the car. She wasn't taking any chances on losing her grip on Nutmeg.

I checked Christo in and Bella and I went to Cheap Thrills for some groceries. I forgot my glasses so I was getting Bella to read the labels to me. She was working me hard for the Nutello. "Look Papa it's on sale" she said. "It's not coming into Papa's house" I told her. "Papa would eat the whole jar and flop around on the floor in a diabetic coma" Instead she got a six pack of Quaker oatmeal, smartie, chocolate covered death sticks which strangely, I was okay with. The Quaker guy on the box looks so friendly. After shopping we took the Rat dogs to Mundy Park, we were going to go to Como Lake after we picked up Christo. It was a beautiful day and there were so many dogs there today. Probably all the Teachers out  Pro D'ing their dog walking skills.
      Back at the house Bella asked if she could play in the yard. It was nice and warm and I could watch her from the office window so I let her. She asked me about the lawn and I pulled back a bit of dead grass and there were a couple of Chafer Beetle Grubs. Bella loves bugs. She's always turning over rocks and poking into places. By the time I was in the office Bella was in the sand box full of water. I don't care, the worst that could happen is she gets wet. I finished writing the blog except for the pictures but I had to go pick up Christo at noon. That was five minutes from now. Bella and the Rat dogs were in the truck and we were on the road in no time flat.
It's morning now and it stays as written.
      When we got to Preschool Christo was already at the lunch table. I got him packed up and into the truck and asked them "Do you want to got to Como Lake or go for lunch first. The Lake won out easily.

The parking lot was almost full. there was a steady stream of people walking the lake and dozens of dogs, both Rat and regular!

We spent an hour there and we only made it around once. There were geese to sneak up on

There were a lot of perfect throwing stones,

the slide in the playground was dry and slidey

The swingers were swinging

and there were so many dogs to say hello to I'm surprised we're still not there!

Rat dog convention

That's what fifteen degrees in January does for you.
      The kids wanted to go to McDonalds for lunch. Really they just want to go on the playground. They had burger, fries and chocolate milk. I had a coffee. The freakin place was nuts! Every parent who's kids were out of school, so the teachers could have a spa day, took them to Rotten Ronnie's for lunch. They are so loud! They run everywhere and apparently they can't run unless they screech as loud as possible with every step. Thirty minutes of this and I understand why some mothers eat their young.

They could use a few more cages!

      When we got home just after 2:00. We had a music session in the office. This was the first time I had shown Bella where the notes where on the keyboard. I used the chord program and called out the changes. Bella was playing the left hand and I was pecking out a melody. Christo had a drum and was keeping time very well. We switched and Bella understood the concept of patterns in no time moving around the keyboard and almost always staying in key.  We did this until the phone rang. Bella stayed and I could hear her changing the rhythms and the tones. When she was done with making music? Her and Christo went to play down in the Green Room. Christian was there to pick them up about 3:00.
      Just after 4:00 I got my Ho warning from the lovely Lisa. Not too bad, only a fourteen hour day.
I had stuff ready for dinner but when the Lovely Lisa walked through the door with the remnants of todays mixed grill, I wasn't too upset. I had Lamb, pork and chicken with a mixed greens and spinach salad.

Mixed Grill

The lovely Lisa was in bed by 5:30 with a 1:15 wake up call. I spent the evening flicking aimlessly through the hundreds of channels I never watch, never watching anything for more than a few minutes. Usually when they go to commercial, They've lost me.  By midnight I was nodding off so I shut down the TV and started today's blog. Though now it's actually yesterdays blog.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - When it gets tough, go another way.

January 25, 2015

Haggis inspectors.

      If this is global climate change, I'm all for it. For the last few years here on the Wet Coast we have had mild winters and amazing summers. Last night at 5:00 there were forty drunken Scotsman standing out front of the legion in shirtsleeves. They were outside because they all smoke cigarettes. It was surely adding to the carbon foot print of the legion and enough hot air and bullshit was coming out of these Rickards soaked Scots to create global warming all on their own. Still it was a beautiful evening.
      Needless to say my day didn't start at 5:00. I was up early, again! I sat at the keyboard drinking drippy Joe and trying to make some kind of sense of the strange and wonderful people who keep doing strange and wonderful things in my life. I'm sure you have all figured out by now the strange part starts here at home.
      I was lost. A ship adrift in a sea of nothingness. A lone swimmer on a solitary beach. A fish without a school. A bird without a flock. That's right! For the first time in nine months, there was no football. The Pro Bowl doesn't count. No NFL, no CFL, no NCAA, no football! As a matter of fact there was very little in the way of sports on TV anyway. The NHL All Star game, were most of the top stars don't show up, think Crosby and Malkin, and they score 30 or 40 goals in a game of shinny. The Austrailian Open Tennis. Mildly interesting with two Canadians amongst the best players in the world but still, it is tennis. They should have Austrailian Rules Tennis. Nine players each side, only one ball and every man for himself. Or you could watch curling. Curling on TV is not that bad. They go to commercials. You never here about Curlers and performance enhancing drugs. What would that be? Valium? Make a slow game a little slower? Maybe weed? I know it helps when you're watching curling! Well it's Super Bowl next Sunday and we have a table reserved at Woody's.
GO SEAHAWKS!!!
      I was just headed down to the green Room when Bro Steve showed up for lunch with Lisa. Today was Weigh Day and I wanted to get in a workout before lunch and my appointment with the scale. I have increased my floor exercises to fifteen sets so it takes me about thirty minutes to finish them now. 200 One Stair Steps and another episode of Lilyhammer on the Iron Maiden. The thought process when I'm doing the One Stair Steps is weird. Every time I do them I want to quit! While I'm counting out my sets of twenty-five steps each leg, a part of my mind keeps saying Quit, stop now, no one will know and when I'm on the second hundred I'm almost convinced I should fake a heart attack in order to justify quitting. Inevitably I finish. I've quit way too many things in my life. Like water, I have always looked for the path of least resistance. When it gets tough, go another way. The One Stair Steps are tough but I keep going.

Pre moistened Squatchette

      After my workout and a shower I had leftover chicken and ribs for lunch and started getting ready for Robbie Burns Day at the legion.

Chicken and ribs

I had talked to Mama Lee in the morning and she was keen to go to the ceremony. Then she found out that the ceremony was at 5:00 and conflicted with a show she wanted to see and could she just come for an hour. Don't care, don't care, no! In that order. Mama Lee does this all the time. I bring her home to watch a game she just has to see then she  reads her prayer books and wants to leave in the middle of the second period. I just record it and then I can skim through the commercials so it kind of works out. You can't do that with a live event. Mama Lee agreed that she would stay till the end of the ceremony. We would be at the Legion for at least three hours. All the Scots people are so nice to Mama Lee and she likes going there. They all met her at Squatchapalooza when Mama Lee lived with us.
      When I got to her care facility I was greeted by the news that two of the three wings were quarantined with the flu including hers. And would I put on a mask and gloves. The mask was no problem but I O.J.'d the gloves. One size fits Al. Al must have little girly hands! It must have slipped Mama Lee's mind. I talked to the nurse then told Mama Lee she was grounded. She wasn't happy but she has a good heart. She didn't want to take the chance of making anyone else sick, even though she felt fine. It's a huge issue in care facilities. Everything contagious goes through the whole place.
      I arrived at the Legion just before 4:00 and it was packed. So busy that Chapman the Sargeant at Arms was working the door. I'm not a member of the legion but everyone I know is. He made me sign in for the first time ever. There were lots of cat calls from the Scots Corner when I walked in. "Hey Big Yin" "Ach , aye Big Man" And a lot of "Hallo Squatch" with a Glaswegian accent.

Hey Big Yin

There were a lot of kilts and lot of plaid. I grabbed a pint of Coors Light at the bar and wandered through the crowd stopping to talk to people I knew and some I didn't. It doesn't take much to get a Scot to agree to a party and Rabbie Burns is dear to our hearts. The buzz in the room was increasing as the first of the Highland Dancers took to the dance floor.

Bowlegged Scottish Wains

Beautiful wains from five to fifteen took to the dance floor.

Hey Sailor, buy me a drink?

With a lone piper playing the music,their show lasted for about thirty minutes and they must have done twenty numbers including the Highland Fling and the Sword Dance they finished with all twenty dancers on the floor and received a standing ovation from the besotted gang of misty eyed Wankers.

Highland Flinging

Then in the finest Scottish tradition they quickly moved through the crowd cap in hand sucking the donations out of the us while we were still reminicing. You could hear all the Scots women telling the dancers about when they were young then tossing a fiver in the hat. And I'm pretty sure I saw Jock put in a Toonie and take change! Their smart too.

The Grand Finale

They put a five year old with a teenager, no one has a chance! It was a great show and nice to see that there are people keeping the traditions alive.
      As at most events that are co-ordinated by people who start drinking at 10:00 a.m., it was running late. There was still the Haggis eating contest to go as well as the piping in of the Haggis.When we got back on track it was time for the Haggis eating contest.

Igor, not his real name

Two time defending champion Igor, who is not even Scottish, he's Polish, there were six contestants including Coquitlam Mayor and Legion member Richard Stewart.

Mayor Stewart...eats with a spoon

I was pulling for Killer Katy, she's a five foot Sheriff from New West and is one of those cute little blondes who always seems to be smiling. As much Haggis as you can eat in two minutes. The mayor ate with a spoon to much derision from a boisterous and by this point in time, hammered crowd. Killer Katy was using her hand and trying to wash it down as quick as she put it in her mouth

Killer Katy Haggis Hound

But no one was a match for Igor, not his real name. His real name is polish and starts with an M followed by half a dozen letters in an apparently random fashion. I"ve always called him Igor. He is well educated and well informed. We often talk politics and history. Why he does the Haggis contest? I don't know. He has great technique. Two hands and a straw in a glass with warm water. When the two minutes were up, he was licking the skin. Not a pretty picture.

King Igor of Haggis

       We heard the skirling of the pipes from the vestibule and our anticipation rose as the doors opened and the Haggis on a silver tray was piped into the room.

Piping in the Haggis

Accompanied by A knife Bearer and two Swordsmen. The proud puddin was placed upon the table. Kathy Todd with a voice as sweet as heather recited the Address to the Haggis.

Address to the Haggis

Patsi Holmes gave a toast to the Laddies and Willy Curley gave the Reply to the Lassies.

Reply to the Lassies

It was near 8:00 by the time it was done and I had pulled a four hour, three pint shift.
      The lovely Lisa was in bed when I got home. She has a 1:45 wakeup call. I finished off the chicken and ribs and was in bed before midnight. Papa Squatch Dayscare tomorrow.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward