Who's a Fat Bastard - What a difference a day makes

September 29, 2014

A dark and stormy day.

     It was a dreary day today. It seemed to never stop raining. When there wasn't actual raindrops falling, there was a cloying mist that made every thing wet.  The perfect day to do some inside things I have been putting off. First thing was Sundays blog. Between coffee breaks and pee breaks I didn't post it till the back side of noon. I also got two loads of laundry done including the Mac attacked bedding. It's a lot quieter around here without him. I needed to eat something so I made myself mortadella / cappicola lettuce wraps. Bellisimo!

     I was out the door and on a mission. The first thing I did was drive two blocks, turn around, go home and get the bag of things for Momma Lee that I hung on the door so I wouldn't forget. I parked on the street at her place, grabbed Momma Lee's bag of goodies and made for the door. I was checking a text from Lisa when I hit the giant puddle in full stride, both feet. Double soaker! The manhole doesn't go anywhere. it's just the two foot collar set into the pavement and the cover. It happens every time it rains, even a little. 

Soaker!

I was just doing a Momma Lee drive by so I was glad to see Steve there coaching her during the bowling tournament.

First pin knocked down wins

I had just begun my journey so I said a quick Hi / Bye and motivated by my busy day and my soaker, I was gone. 

     I took my Lap top in to a guy who has a shop beside the old French Quarter Pub, it's called something else now. The guy there has an eastern European accent, maybe KGB. I have never seen anyone go in there. He's been there a while. In that location, you would never hear the screams. And now, he has my laptop. 

     From there I was off to Home Depot. They keep their lumber inside. I needed a little bit of lumber to finish the shelf I was building in the shed. 2x3x8 and 2x8x 8 two of each. I ended up driving in a big circle that circumnavigated the south slope of Blue Mountain. I am only telling you this because I have so few opportunities to use the word circumnavigated.

8' x 20" shelf

Organising this shed will be a horror show. Two handicapped scooters, four bikes  and my motorcycle jamming things up. Oh yeah, and a pool.

     Next up, the vermin control issue! Elvis ain't the Ratter he used to be. He's twelve! I think the rats take his lunch money now. I had put out traps around the BBQ a week ago and check them daily so far, Nada. Today, both traps sprung and the peanut butter gone. Those thieving rat bastards! Literally! 

The older wooden was is a verified killer the black one, not yet. I cleaned them up so they were now on a hair trigger. Come and get some peanut butter Senor Ratta!

Not a good day to be a pencil. The rats on the other hand?

     Moving on, a while back I bought some blackout curtains for our bedroom. Lisa often has to go to bed while the sun is still shining. I have never been happy with the way I installed them. Lisa didn't want them too close to a shelf she keeps girly crap on.  The adjustable curtain rod was too short. The curtains were bunched up to much. Today I fixed them. It wasn't rocket science. I moved the rod holder 10 inches each end.

Dark Huh

 I finished the laundry, folding the clothes as I watched the Monday Night Football festivities while awaiting the start of the Canucks game. New England was abused by the Chiefs and the Canucks are preseason. Entertaining none the less. You gotta feel for Tom Brady. Supermodel wife and hit so many times he can't get it up.

     The Lovely Lisa arrived at home a mere 16 hours after leaving the warmth of our bed at 4:30 this morning. The good news is, she brought Meatballs! She also brought a pasta with chorizo sausage for herself. I always make time to sit and talk with Lisa when she gets home over a cup of tea. It helps her unwind to tell me about her day. While she is in the shower I put together dinner for both of us. Okay, I put her pasta in the Microwave. Then my meatballs. That's it. I made a salad this afternoon and that's my dinner.

Thatsa spicya meatball!

Lisa was out of the shower and all the live sports were finished just in time for her to eat her dinner, while enjoying the new episode of the Big Bang Theory and my company. She went to bed half way through it. The show I mean. It's cheap Tuesday tomorrow at the New West Cinema. I should give Willy and Wally a call. Lunch and a flic?

That's all I got.

Till next time. 

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Dog bombs and pee pools, see ya Mac

September 28, 2014

September Sunset at Spanish banks

     If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for me. I'm sure he's a Seahawks fan and we are on a bye week.  I guess some one at the BC Lions must have pissed him off! Maybe he's still miffed about that whole feeding Christians to the Lions thing. Still, football is football. My plan was to become vegetative matter in my giant green chair. Totally absorbed in sudden impacts and violent stops, with remote in hand and coffee at the ready I turned on the TV. I watch the pregame show on three different channels, you don't want to go commercial on me Bradshaw! I'll last channel button you in a heartbeat! It didn't work out quite as I planned, still it worked out pretty good.

     Willy called. Annie and him were back from vacation and where coming to get wee Mac. 

He will be missed but not forgotten. Our house is full of Mac hair and will be for months. He dropped a couple of dogs worth of hair in the last three weeks. Not to mention the dog bombs and pee pools. He is a great little dog, just puppy dumb.

Willy and Annie got to our house about 12:30 bearing gifts from Bonnie Scotland. 

I put him in the showcase, Lisa likes him better in the basement!

Regaling us with tales of  Referendum night at George Square and the north country at Abbeymore with Caroline and David. Willy couldn't care less about Football, at least not the kind that doesn't involve short pants. 

"It's beautiful out on the back deck, let's sit out there." Lisa suggested. Good bye NFL, Goodbye big green chair. Hello Willy. Everywhere they go they have amazing adventures. Both of them will just start talking to people. For no apparent reason. What people don't realise is half the time they're talking to themselves, Daft bastards! It also helps that We know a lot of the people they were meeting up with. His last days, his brother John threw a party for him in the grand Scottish Tradition. Insuring that he would be hung to the nuts for the seven hour flight to Nova Scotia. they brought us some lobster meat from Digby N.S. Can't wait! I'm going to try to get Lisa to make Lobster Bisque, I know she has a bag of Lobster stock in the freezer.

We had Octoberwurst on the back deck for lunch. It was 25 degrees and the saurkraut was sour, and the company wasn't. What more can you ask for? After lunch, they were gone and Mac with them. 

Note the pile of hair to the left.

Left behind, some gifts from their trip and a half a dog worth of hair....spread out of course.

     I was now about to resume my day of nothing when Lisa suggested we go to Spanish Banks dog park for the sunset. This is where being a conniving bastard comes back and bites you on the ass. I like sports. I like to watch sports on TV. Lisa doesn't. When we first got together I said If we are in the house and the TV on , one of them will be on the game. If you want to do something, golf, go for a walk or anything, I'm in! I don't want to sit and watch a different show with you when I could be watching football. It's worked well for us for thirteen years. If your definition of working well is me being banished to Tiny TV Town, where the players are two inches tall. However she figured out right away that Superbowl Sunday is not a good day to take Momma Lee to VanDusen Gardens. 

Strumming on a log on the bay

We love the place. Spanish Banks west. The dog beach. I usually take my beach guitar and strum to the rhythm of the waves. Last night was Bongo night or drum circle or something, so I had a whole rhythm section to play along with. 

Thirty minute drum solo's

I have to say, the songs they play are pretty long! 

    There was a weird fog laying across the mountains towards the Islands. The cruise ships leaving were like ghostly Wraiths slipping into the fog. Very Halloweenie.

Ghost ship full of the undead?

     The dogs don't care. They don't swim, they don't play, they are usually in Lisa's lap except when Elvis attacks any dog, anywhere near him, having fun! 

Elvis Cranky Pants Jr. and Nutmeg.

He's 12 years old and nobody's having fun while He's in charge. Of course he only attacks the big dogs. Idiot!

Another great sunset.

One Last Pic as we walked away.

Lisa's call time was 5:30 am, late for a Monday. We left the beach and were home by 7:30. Lisa made a sandwich and went to bed. I watched the end of the football game. Did a late shop at Stuper Store. ( Under construction and they moved everything!) It took me two years to remember where they put the Chicarrones! 

I weighed my self, because Sunday is Weigh Day. Not much change, up a pound but feeling great.

Then I went to bed.

That's all I got.

Till next time.

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

      

Who's a Fat Bastard - I've seen all their movies

September 27, 2014

Collecting Birdies.

     Pulled pork at 10 pm didn't sit well with me come 4 am. I had a thirty minute conversation with the porcelain phone. It was weird. It came out of nowhere. When I was finished talking to uncle Ralph I had a shower, brushed my teeth and went back to bed. This morning I woke up with the alarm and I felt great. Go figure. I lay there for about twenty minutes wondering why it happened. No Idea. I see my Doctor on Wednesday. I'll run it by him. I had a full set of blood work done and I'm going to get the results. I'm hoping it's not another pregnancy scare. 

     It's quiet around our place on the weekends. The elementary school across the street is closed. Fewer people going to work. Add in the sun beaming down, already 24 degrees on my front deck and you got a perfect day. Till the bus, airbrakes screeching, arrives at the bus stop right across the street at 9:42 and every half hour after that. 

     After a couple of shots of Joe, I opened up the attic and helped Lisa put away Momma Lee's spring and summer collection. Lisa left to go and finish organising Momma Lee's winter wardrobe. "I should only be an hour, then we'll play golf" If the Queen was coming to lunch, and the sun came out, Lisa would want to play golf. "Sounds good to me" I yelled as I heard the front door close.
1000 Four Stair Stretches

200 One Stair Steps  

40 Situps and 100 Belly Crunches.

Not as easy as I make it look?

I rushed up stairs to shower and grab a bite before we hit the golf course. I was extra excited because I have new golf shoes. 

You can tell I'm happy, I make faces with my food

     Lisa will be home any minute now. That's what I keep telling myself. She knows lunch time is the best time to go to Rupert Park Pitch n Putt. 12:14 pm, I put our clubs at the front door. 1:27 pm, I tighten the spikes on my new shoes. 2:09 pm, I hear Otto pull into the drive way. 2:18, I help unload the car. 2:27 we are in the car. 2:28, I am back in the house to get my new golf shoes. 
     It was worth the wait. What a beautiful Indian Summer day. Am I allowed to say Indian Summer? If people are pissed at The Washington Redskins, Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians what chance does Indian Summer have?

Coming in from Coquitlam

We had made plans to meet our friend Lyndsey at Tentatsu at 5:00, not looking good. It was 3:00 and we were behind a fivesome of Rockstars who had a blaster in a backpack and played Motley Crue for two and a half hours, and a Lesbian couple who ran across the parking lot to get ahead of us. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Lesbians. Hell, I've seen all their movies! We called Lyndsey and changed the time to 5:30. 

     I started off great, building a substantial lead. By the turn I was up 13 - 7. I don't know what happened but I became a shadow of my former golfing self.

A shadow of myself

It was like the Ryder Cup and I was the Americans. Lisa was on fire! She must have taken inspiration from grateful bridge. She was dropping lawn darts at the pin. 

Grateful Bridge. Lisa's secret weapon?

Let me set the scene for you. It's the 18th Tee box. The score is

13-11 Squatch. We are carrying one skin forward. This hole is worth a potential four points. My new shoes are giving me a blister on my heel. The gallery falls silent. Okay, the gallery was just the old Chinese guy who collects the empties, but he was still silent! Lisa had the honours. 

Kicking Squatch Butt!

Her ball arced high into the air. Outlined against the perfect blue of the autumn sky. On the green her shiny pink sphere came to a stop forty feet from the hole. Closest to the pin wins the hole if we tie for score. I step onto the Tee box, I stare down the green Eighty yards away, I adjust my grip and tug at my crotch, just for fun, then shank my shot. Lisa is today's victor 14-13. I collected my losers kiss and blamed my new shoes.

     We met Lyndsey at Tentatsu at 5:30 and had a very nice meal as usual. 

Lisa and Lyndsey

Unagi, Chicken Teriyaki, some beautiful Sockeye salmon sashimi and Gai Lan that tasted like Garlic flavoured sticks.

We were going out to Cloverdale tonight to see brother Steve play with Tyme Machine. They're a very good cover band. Perfect for the Legion circuit. We got there about 8:30 and the place was packed. The dance floor was full and we had to make a table in the corner so we would have somewhere to sit. 

    Three of the band members sing and their set list is great. 

Brother Steve Hitting the High notes.

The best part, of course, was when they let me get up and play some harmonica with them. 

Blowing hard

Mustang Sally and Shaking all over.

I'm with the band.

We danced, we sang, we made merry. We came home and went to bed. I blogged in the morning.

That's all I got.

Till next time.

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Smiling...by osmosis

September, 26, 2014 Mac wants all the toys all the time      I slept like a baby last night. It was almost 3 a.m. When I got to bed. No wonder I didn't get out of bed till 9:30. I don't even recall turning off my alarm at 8:00! The worst part was that Lisa was already up. I had  left a bit of a mess in the sink last . I'm always up before Lisa when she Isn't working. I usually just tidy up the sink while I'm making the coffee. When I got up not only had the sink been cleaned, the coffee was made as well. I should wise up and sleep in more often!  It didn't matter to me I was down in the green room doing my workout. as usual I started with 1000 Four Stair Stretches Followed by 200 One Stair Steps.  Now this is where it gets interesting. Rubydoo told me I needed to change up my exercises or I will plateau. Like I have. I was within a pound or two of 290 lbs for three weeks. Even though I have been working out faithfully and watching what I eat.  So I added some sit ups. I rearranged the green room and retired the Princess Barbie Workout mat. I am now working out on the Alphamat that Christo and I put together. To quote Bella, "This thing smells funny." I washed the cover and now use it for inspiration. "I'm coming Princess!" I alternated Belly Crunches with situps. Two sets of twelve Belly crunches followed by one set of ten Situps, with the usual thirty seconds rest between sets. I did 140 Belly crunches and 40 situps. The picture is not very good but I wasn't going to do another situp just for the photo op...they're hard! Situps on the Alphamat For all my hard work I rewarded myself with Italian combo lettuce wraps and a pickle, Vlasic of course. they're crunchy and juicy!     Lisa had made plans to switch out Mama Lee's wardrobe today. I thought she meant at Momma Lee's. What she actually meant was, "Why haven't you gone to get Momma Lee yet?" I showered and changed, grabbed the car keys and was half way out the door when Momma Lee called back to say she wanted to be picked up at 2:15, it was now 12:45.       It worked out for the best. Christian came by for a visit after work, and to pick up Bella from school. We turned on TSN, started talking soccer and, Voila! Lisa was off to get Momma Lee. Momma Lee wanted the later pickup because their was a women coming over to sing Christian songs. Like many older people she has become quite religious. I guess if you figure your going to be meeting him soon, you might want to stay in touch. What better way to get his attention than thirty-seven out of key geriatrics going to "Meet him at the river!"It's really quite Amazing, Grace..... Sorry, I couldn't help myself.      While the sing along was going on, Lisa started packing up the summer clothes to be stored at our house. Lisa and Momma Lee got to our house around 2:30. Christian went out to the truck to bring in Momma Lee and I set up her indoor wheel chair. I had pulled down three Rubbermaid bins full of winter clothes for them to go through. Christian left to get Bella and I went and hid in the office.       I played a stupid computer game, I practised on my keyboard with the headphones on. I played a stupid computer game.... again. Get my drift? Wasted days and wasted nights! I didn't want to play dress up. Is that so wrong? This is when Brother Steve showed up on his way to Cloverdale. He plays in a cover band called Tyme Machine and they are out at the Cloverdale Legion tonight and Saturday. Lisa's taking me out dancing Saturday night. Whatever shall I wear?  " Come out and be sociable, we're done with the clothes" Lisa instructed me. "Shit" I said under my breath. "What was that?" she queried, bat ears flaring. "Sure , I said sure, Sweetie."      Momma Lee's spring and summer collection now live in Rubbermaid containers in our attic. While her fall and winter wardrobe is on route to her home. It was now safe to leave the office.      As usual, Brother Steve was not only in my chair he had commandeered my guitar. I don't mind the guitar thing he's an exceptional player.  Just to add to my already substantial level of agony they were watching The Mary Tyler Moore  Show. Death by a thousand gags! Fifty year old fun! I escaped to the kitchen where I prepped dinner. I dry rubbed a couple of racks of ribs. Sorry, secret spices. Place the ribs on a piece of parchment paper inside a tinfoil wrap. Pour the juice of two limes/lemons over the ribs. Close the tinfoil tight and place in the oven for two hours at 350. Make a nice Squatch salad moving as slowly as possible to avoid any MTM eye shrapnel torture.  When the ribs are done, remove them from the tinfoil package and cover them with your favourite sauce. I make a Garlic based BBQ sauce with fruity undertones. WOW, talk about fruity undertones!! I should come up with some more masculine metaphors! Thirty minutes at 350 and OMG!       We were on our way to the Billy Bishop Legion in Kitsilano for our old friend Bill Doig's 80th birthday. Bill is one of the original Kitsilano hippies.  Eighty years old and still eating cake! If there was money in seventy year old pony tails, this party was worth millions. Bill and his lady Liz are wonderful people and so were all the guests at the party. Lisa has known these people for thirty years. Most I just met tonight. Reg, saved Lisa's life.      Thirty years ago when Lisa worked in the stock market, she walked into the office and Reg said, "You look awful." He gave her $20 and told her to take a cab to the doctors. From there to the hospital, to the operating room and surgery. Diverticulitis. She almost died. I owe Reg a debt of gratitude.      Willy McCaulder was the entertainment and did a great job as always. My brother in law Paul made a rare night time appearance. I'm assuming his pony tail needed to be with it's own kind for a while. Paul with Maya , bill's grandaughter Highlights of the night. This shirt and Pony tail This suit from the Don Cherry collection Evidently plaid is "in"...in what, I don't know. She looks like a tin of shortbread!  The pulled pork. Quite tasty And of course Bill and Liz. It was a good party. Inside and out. The smokers circle was a veritable who's who of Kitsilano Hippydom. All in all, the whole thing made me smile...by osmosis. That's all I got. Till next time. Peace Out Y'all ©2014 Dave Squatch Ward