Who's a Fat Bastard - Hazelnut Highway and the Ghost Squirrel Army

August 15, 2014

       They come during the day. They come at night. They are invisible! The carnage that they leave behind is horrific. The sad part is, I brought it on myself. I built the Hazelnut Highway. My neighbour Rod and I have a combined 140 feet of six foot fence that runs from the squirrel infested giant pine trees at the back of our property, along the front of the yard and in to the Hazelnut trees. 

Highway to Heaven

The Ghost Squirrel Army can chow down on my nuts without their little disease laden feet ever touching the ground. They don't even have to avoid Elvis! He's only eight inches tall. The fence is six feet. Elvis is older now but when he was young, he killed two squirrels and maimed another. The strange thing is, I haven't seen them. I see them in the back yard but never in the hazelnut. Nothing but Hazelnut shrapnel!

Hazelnut Shrapnel

 I'm really pissed because they aren't ripe yet, and the little bastards seem to like them that way. I hope Ghost Squirrels don't like figs! 

     I was up with the alarm at 8 am and back under the covers at 8:03. I never went back to sleep. I just lay there feeling content. Watching Lisa sleep. Nutmeg and Elvis both dog piling her. I rolled out of bed forty minutes later and put on a pot of coffee. Praise the lord and pass the fibre! The Poop Fairy made her Biweekly visit only one day late. I really miss my daily constitutionals. If for no other reason I'm way down on my crossword quota!

     I put on some workout gear, okay , shorts and a T shirt, poured another coffee and watched the horror that passes for news till I could get my shoes tied up. I took the stereo that we have on the front deck and have never used, down to the green room. I did my workout to the gentle song stylings of 650 Cenile. Gordon Lightfoot and The Guess Who, a little Sinatra, Frank and Nancy. I need to get a really small, tight pair of shorts cause I'm Sweatin to the Oldies! That's a Richard Simmons joke...google him. I start off by setting up the camera. I set it to take ten shots fifteen seconds after I start the timer. 

I do 600 Four Stair Stretches. I reach behind and tap the opposite hip at the same time as I touch my toes. That makes my whole body twist. Around 250 my back starts feeling really good. 

Exercises are like taxes. Pay them once, they never go away. So now the bar for One Stair Steps is 200 steps. I took the picture at the start of the steps. I should have waited cause I look way sweatier by the last 50. I don't know why I relate sweating to a healthy workout. I can sweat on cue! Must be a Flashdance thing.

..

Likewise with the Belly Crunches. Twelve sets of twelve. That`s a gross! From some angles, I have to agree.

Grossish?

       After my shower I made Lamb and eggs for Lisa and I. She also had some nice sourdough toast. I just inhaled deeply as I was buttering it. I forgot to take a picture. It was very good. Use your imagination. Three eggs over hard, two slices of lamb sauteed in garlic infused olive oil, half a tomato and half an avocado. It would have been a great shot.
     After lunch we headed to Kerrisdale to pick up some mail from Momma Lee's old address. It's 2 pm on Friday afternoon and Lisa hates to stop at stop lights. She will turn off the block before, drive down the right hand lane and even seen her be an ESSO Asshole! She calls them shortcuts even though we are always late. Just saying.

After our appointment we went down to the dog beach at Spanish Banks. It was around 4 and we weren't prepared to stay until sunset. It's still one of our favourite spots in Vancouver.

Doggy Beach

Elvis is always making friends

You ain't so big, you just tall!

Princess Nutmeg prefers to stretch out on her blanket

Butt in the air

With Princess Lisa

Lovely Lisa Lovin the Beach

Nutmeg made me take this selfie. She can be a real little Bitch!

Say hello to my lilla fren

We headed for home eating some fruit and sausage to hold us till dinner. We stopped by to see Momma Lee and take measurements for a new cushion for her wheelchair. 

My Girls

We were home and I was making a Squatch salad by 8:00. A big salad, some leftover chicken and I was all in. A little writing, a little TV and I'm ready for bed.

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward