Who's a Fat Bastard - A yellow patch of ice in the middle of the deck

November 30 2014

Christmas Tea

      It was bitterly cold when I got up to let the dogs out. Elvis ran

down to the bottom of the ramp and peed on the post. Nutmeg waited till I wasn't looking and peed on the deck. It's not like I was playing detective or anything. There was a yellow patch of ice in the middle of the deck where she had been standing. I don't blame her, a quick look at the thermometer on the deck said it was minus fourteen! That could be uncomfortable if your junk is only inches above the snow.

Not digging the chill!

      Today was a big day around Casa Lisa. For the lovely Lisa that is. Mama Lee had invited all the girls from Adrian's family for tea today at our house.  The living room looked  like a rummage sale in a church basement. The table, that doesn't belong in the living room, was covered in all of the bits and pieces and paraphernalia needed to set up the lovely Lisa Christmas Extravaganza!! I have to say, the lovely Lisa is one of the most organised Christmas Elves in the history of Christmas Elves. Every doodad that came in a box, still has a box. Every ornament has its own piece of tissue to be wrapped in. Prior to the lovely Lisa coming into my life, my Christmas decorations consisted of a plastic star I peeled off a bottle of Stroika Vodka that lived on my Aloe plant all year long.

      While the lovely Lisa was out picking up the delicacies for the ladies, I did the floors and cleaned the bathroom. Of course this was all cleaned to man standards. I'm sure the lovely Lisa will go over it again if she has time. It doesn't matter I was being as helpful as I could be because I was bailing on the whole tea thing. Today was Grey Cup day and I was going to play poker with my cronies.

I don't discuss it with the lovely Lisa because she's quite bitter about the whole situation.

      Every year for Grey Cup and Superbowl a bunch of guys get together and play poker at Ralphie's. I stress the word guys!

The core of this poker game has been going on for close to 

thirty- five years. I'll come back to this.

      When the lovely Lisa got back from shopping she put together her little tea.

And so it begins

      Chef Boy R Lisa was built to be a caterer! She is a very talented Chef but she is an amazing caterer. When Chef Boy R Lisa puts up a spread, people stop and take pictures of it before they eat. When I got back to the house with Mama Lee, Carmel was already there. Angie and Bernie pulled up just as I was getting Mama Lee  out of the truck,  and brother Steve pulled up as I was dragging Lee's wheelchair up the snow covered ramp to the back deck.

Angie, Bernie, Steve and Carmel

      Tea was ready, a veggie tray with dip, a cheese tray, a fruit platter and dozens of pastries. I had to cover my eyes and leave. A quick hello to everybody. A smooch to the lovely Lisa and I was gone.

      My pal Ralph lives over in New Westminster. Everyone should have a friend named Ralph. It's just fun to say and always makes me think of Ed Norton. "Hey, Ralphie Boy!"

Ralphie

      This game has been going on for thirty five years and I have participated in it about a dozen times over the last fifteen or so years. Like a good wine or a stinky cheese, the game has mellowed with age. The game used to start at noon and we would play through the Grey Cup game and all the way to the wee hours of the morning. The buy in was $100. Two bottles of vodka, minus the vodka and six dozen empties were sitting in the corner of the kitchen. The cloud of smoke from various combustibles hung over the table fed by the giant overflowing ashtrays!

Less hair and less energy

      Now we show up forty-five minutes before kick-off. We have a $20 buy in. We went through three pots of coffee, you couldn't get a six pack it empties out of us. And the only two guys who still smoke cigarettes froze their butts off out on the balcony. And as soon as the game is over somebody calls last deal and we're gone.

I lost $22 playing poker. I won $15 on the halftime pool and had a lot of laughs with guys I only see once or twice a year. Except Gord and Duffy. 

      Ralphie puts out the same spread every year. I call it The Bachelor Buffet. A Safeway lasagna, buns and cold cuts and little sausage rolls cooked in the oven.

      He should hire Chef boy R Lisa to cater the event and then she wouldn't be so bitter about not being allowed to play in the poker game. These are great guys but the mentality of this poker game is still stuck in the fifties. Men play poker, Women drink tea. I never feel the need to not be with the lovely Lisa. Truthfully, she's a better poker player than me and anyone else at that table and loves to play. She finished sixth in a poker tournament  at the Stratosphere the last time we were in Las Vegas and won $450.

      With a 1:35 a.m. wake up time the lovely Lisa was already in bed when I got home at 7:30. I woke up in my chair at 1:30 when I heard the lovely Lisa coming out of the bedroom. I gave her a kiss good morning / good night and took her place with the two rat dogs in bed without writing a word.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward