Who's a Fat bastard - Stuffed like a thirty pound turkey.

December 25, 2014

Hello Kitty

      By 11:00 a.m. the part of Christmas I don't enjoy was over.

Jen, Christian, Adam and the grandkids arrived after a leftover Mexmas buffet at about 10:00. That was the start of another Mental Ward Christmas.

      That however is not when my day started. I was out of bed at 7:00. Making a pot of drippy Joe and  finishing yesterday's blog. The lovely Lisa was up at 8:30 full of Christmas cheer and raring to go. Chef Boy R Lisa got a lot of the stuff prepped yesterday but there's still a lot to do. To start with, it took to extra large steel bowls just to mix the stuffing together. There's a pretty big hole in a thirty pound turkey! Chef Boy R Lisa says its going to take between four and a half and five hours for the behemoth to cook. 

      The lovely Lisa and I exchanged gifts. I got a new pair of slippers and a wallet. Ever since the great slipper incident of 2004, I get a pair of slippers from the lovely Lisa every Christmas, and I needed a new wallet. Mine fell apart after only twenty-seven years. 

      The lovely Lisa got a new pair of long johns that I bought in September and $40 worth of scratchers I bought at the 7-11, at 7-11 this morning . It's not like they were a pair of woolly Stanfields with a flap in the back. They are some kind of base layer thing that's supposed to be good to -20 degrees. When you start work at 2 a.m. In the GVRD in January, it's good to have good gear! Still it seems pretty lame. This is our fifteenth Christmas together. Our first Christmas together we spent way too much money on things that we didn't need or want. That's when the lovely Lisa and I decided that our gifts to each other would be our next trip. It's worked out very well for us. One of the other gifts we give each other is time.

It's often hard to find the time to sit and listen to each other. We try to spend time each day talking to one another.
      Lastly and most importantly we give each other love. We don't need any more stuff. The lovely Lisa, myself and our house are fully stuffed already. It's a funny thing about the human heart, no matter how much love you throw at it, your heart always has room for more. Definitely a renewable resource. I need a house that will do that.
      I went over to pick up Mama Lee for the gift opening. 

Present time.

When the grandkids showed up we got right down to the presents. I should have paid more attention. Bella was happy with everything she got. I think? 

Her best little girl smile

I'll have to look at the pictures. 

At least it's not another shirt!

Christopher definitely was not impressed with the amount of clothes that he got. I don't know about the hat thing?

I got nothing

Uncle Johns Extra Large bathroom reader was my gift from Jen and Christian. I'll never get off the crapper now! 

Thank you

      With the whole gift thing out of the way it was time to set up the house for dinner. The grandkids were down in the Green room playing, Christian and Adam were helping me set things up while Lisa and Jen continued to prep in the kitchen. When we do the family dinner we move all of the furniture from the living room out onto the front deck. 

Front Deck Living

We set up the two big folding tables. Each table can sit ten people comfortably. Twelve if there's no lefties.

We have been doing this three times a year for thirteen years

Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The last five years with Christians help. We've gotten pretty good at it. It took us all of twenty minutes to get the entire thing set up and with Adam helping, I didn't do a damn thing but watch the basketball game.

They packed up their goodies and the grandkids and were gone.

      Chef Boy R Lisa brought home the biggest turkey I have ever seen. She paid $.95 per pound and the bird cost $30.77. If you've never seen a thirty pound turkey, it's the size of a three year old. I know, I had a Hansel and Gretel flash myself.

      Chef Boy R Lisa has a roasting pan that is 28 inches by 28 inches and it barely fits in our oven. That's okay because the turkey barely fit in the pan! 

Optical illusion. Unless she has a thirty pound head and I never noticed?

      Chef Boy R Lisa put together her sausage stuffing before the kids got to the house to do Christmas so, all that was left to do was to stuff the bird. There was an amazing amount of stuffing going into the cavity of that bird. There was six pounds of hot Italian sausage used to make the stuffing, countless loaves of bread, mushrooms and onions being swallowed by the gaping butt hole of the Behemoth bird. Chef Boy R Lisa stuffs both ends of the bird. After the body cavity is filled she fills the neck hole where she's removed the gizzards and the neck. Then with a surgeons skill she sews up it's grizzled neck flap! When the Behemoth was stuffed, it took both of us to get it into the oven. Now that the monster turkey was in the oven Chef Boy R Lisa  prepped the sixteen pound  backup Turkey that was going to be cooked in an electric roaster on the back deck. The last available socket without turning off the Christmas lights. The roaster cooks the turkey perfectly but it doesn't turn the skin that beautiful crispy brown.

When it doesn't brown it looks kind of creepy!

      With both Turkey's in the oven Chef Boy R Lisa  took a break and the lovely Lisa came out to have a coffee and enjoy the beautiful day on our front deck which was now our living room.

     It didn't last long. Chef Boy R Lisa put together the dessert table

and put together pickle trays and a cheese plate. I fulfilled my Scullery Squatch duties as best I could. I did a large part of it from a chair planted in front of the basketball game. It was right about now that our guests started arriving. Chef Boy R Lisa has lightened up a bit over the last few years and now allows people to bring potluck dishes to our feast and even accepts their help when offered. For years she did it all herself with nothing but her slow witted Scullery Squatch to help. Now we basically just do the proteins and the condiments. And four different vegetables, cheese plates, pickle dishes, snack bowls and three deserts. 

With Lea's Santa bread, fruit tree and pecan pie!

That's before the pot part of the pot luck has even started! 

      We had a ridiculous amount of food and a massive variety to choose from. While I entertained people in the living room by watching the basketball game, Lisa's sister Angie hopped into the kitchen and I became redundant. Woooo hoooo. Chef Boy R Lisa's gravy started with the stock made from four previous turkeys. Angie was on the step stool stirring the rue then slowly adding the stock to the ever thickening gravy. As more and more people arrived, I had less and less to do. 

      Chef Boy R Lisa was out in the kitchen basting turkeys like a maniac! 

Master Baster

The Behemoth was finished in about four and a half hours.

It could be on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. 

Yummy

Chef Boy R Lisa said that a bird that big would need to rest for at least thirty minutes before it was carved. As soon as the behemoth was out of the oven the trays with the turnips, rutabaga and yams that Chef Boy R Lisa had parboiled yesterday went into the oven to roast. Willie's mashed taters were in the oven downstairs, thank you Tamara. Warming on the barbecue outside were two hams and a giant clay pot full of broccoli. Willie took control, carving the turkey and the ham.

Scots butcher in action

      Bro Steve showed up with his entourage of cute Japanese girls and the ingredients for Cesar salad. 

Mi, Esther, Now and Bro Steve

They are girls that Bro Steve works with and this is their first Christmas in North America, Mi, Esther and Now. It seems every year we have a couple of new people coming for dinner. They were saying that so many of the things they were experiencing at our Christmas dinner they were experiencing for the first time. Like Egg Nog. There was so much food! It took well over an hour to get through the meal. 

We ended up with twenty cool yulers

      After the meal was done and a partial cleanup was completed Mama Lee was ready to leave. 

Mama Lee

I packed her and a plate of goodies for the staff at Mama Lee's into the truck and took her home.

      When I got back the guitars came out. Mark and Lea, also known as Smoky Wine, had printed out song books of Christmas songs. It was big fun. I sang along as I pretended to help clean up. We had the Japanese rhythm section doing the percussion and singing along with everyone else. It was a very musical Christmas at Casa Lisa.

      By 10:00 everyone had put in a full eight hour shift and were tired of my tired old jokes. They collected their Care Packages and headed out. Hopefully with a belly full of food and a heart full of memories. That left the lovely Lisa and I to finish the cleanup. Bastards!

After the stock pot

      Chef Boy R Lisa washes and I dry. I say she washes because she's a control freak. She says "You do a lousy job and I'd rather just wash them once!" The nerve! "Lower your standards Babe." I said. "I married you didn't I?" she fired back.  Damn!

      It was close to 1 a.m. By the time we got the kitchen cleaned.

With the living room still out on the front deck, the lovely Lisa and I sat at on the kitchen chairs at the folding tables watching the Year in Review, for like ten minutes and three scratchers then the lovely Lisa went to bed. I tried to write the blog but I was way too, whatever I was to do it, so I went to bed about 3:00 stuffed like a thirty pound turkey. 

Merry Christmas One and all, even Mr Scrooge.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward