December 16 2014
This is getting really hard. Between the writing of the blog and the dealing with the Christmas pressures. I feel that sense of panic I know all too well building up inside of me. It's like I'm totally frozen. I can't make a decision.
I feel bad but for the last several years the lovely Lisa has had to buy her own Christmas gift so she would have something under the tree. The lovely Lisa also does all of the Christmas shopping for the grandkids and our family.
I wasn't always like this. Up until ten years or so ago I loved Christmas. Of course I wasn't in contact with my family and I would go away every Christmas. Campbell River, Cuba, Mexico, Florida anywhere where it was warm. After I started getting the panic attacks I created justifications for not participating in Christmas. Some of which, in my delirious state, I still believe. A lot of it has to do with the commercialisation of Christmas. When I see the angst and stress on the faces of my friends, particularly those who have children, I have to wonder what that has to do with peace on earth and goodwill to all. For years I forced myself to go out and try to buy gifts. I would stand in front of the racks like I was standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump into the lake and didn't have the courage to do it.
Let me tell you how I justified my position. Christmas is a religious holiday intended to celebrate the birth of Christ. I am not a Christian. I am a child of God. December 25th is not actually the birth date of Jesus nor is it my birthday. So what's with the presents? It took several years to convince my own family that I'm not interested in receiving presents. That's because the things I want can't be bought in a store. They have to be given freely with no expectations and received with joy. They are the gifts of love and time.
There are of course still things that I love about Christmas. The decorations, the food, the family and the friendship. That's what Christmas is all about for me. Long after the batteries in the remote control truck have died, long after that sweater you never really liked lies in the bottom of a drawer, the memories of the time spent with people you love will live on forever.
I wanted to put this out there because I really am having an issue with this. I'm having a very difficult time keeping my thoughts straight. For the last three days I haven't been able to get the thought that I should take a break from writing out of my head. I guess it's because I have been writing this as honestly as I can. Sharing not just my adventures and the things I do, but how I feel. I don't know if I can do that right know. Do you know what Humbug actually means? It means fraud. I don't want to be a Humbug. So, if you don't hear from me for a few days, every thing's cool. I just need to make it through Christmas morning. Once the twenty plus people we have coming for Christmas dinner arrive, I'll be back at the top of my game.
Jen is off work now for three weeks so there won't be any Papa Squatch Dayscare.
After I did my workout I had a hearty Squatch salad for lunch.
After lunch I went down to London Drugs to put together the Hawaiian wedding book that the lovely Lisa asked me to do. I plugged my thumb drive into the machine and set up the order for the book they told me it would be ready at 6:00. Since I'm here I thought I should try to pick up a gift or two. Didn't happen. Way too many choices and my brain just froze. I must have stood there in front of that wall of chocolate, my brain numb for two minutes. Then I left.
At home I plugged in the amp and practised on the lap steel for about an hour and then played guitar until Chef Boy R Lisa sent me a text with my Ho Ho Ho warning. Not bad, only a 13 hour day. I tidied up and did the dishes. The lovely Lisa stopped in to see Mama Lee and was home just after 4:30 with dinner.
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| Casa Lisa mixed grill. |
The lovely Lisa was in bed by 6:00 with a 2:00 am wake up call. I went down and picked up the photo book at London Drugs. They did a nice job.
Then I went over to North Vancouver to visit our friend Michele. She's cat sitting so the Rat dogs had to stay in the truck. The cats were hiding in the bedroom so it probably wouldn't have mattered. Your average cat is twice the size of Elvis. He has a great deal of respect for the front end of a cat. Most of which he learned from Michele's cat Velcro.
I was home about 10:30 and wrote nothing. I couldn't think straight and honestly, I'm finding I'm not having fun doing it. I don't know what's going to happen. Well, that's not true. I know what's going to happen. I'm going to go down to the Green Room and do a workout.
That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all
©2014 Dave Squatch Ward
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