Who's a Fat Bastard - When it gets tough, go another way.

January 25, 2015

Haggis inspectors.

      If this is global climate change, I'm all for it. For the last few years here on the Wet Coast we have had mild winters and amazing summers. Last night at 5:00 there were forty drunken Scotsman standing out front of the legion in shirtsleeves. They were outside because they all smoke cigarettes. It was surely adding to the carbon foot print of the legion and enough hot air and bullshit was coming out of these Rickards soaked Scots to create global warming all on their own. Still it was a beautiful evening.
      Needless to say my day didn't start at 5:00. I was up early, again! I sat at the keyboard drinking drippy Joe and trying to make some kind of sense of the strange and wonderful people who keep doing strange and wonderful things in my life. I'm sure you have all figured out by now the strange part starts here at home.
      I was lost. A ship adrift in a sea of nothingness. A lone swimmer on a solitary beach. A fish without a school. A bird without a flock. That's right! For the first time in nine months, there was no football. The Pro Bowl doesn't count. No NFL, no CFL, no NCAA, no football! As a matter of fact there was very little in the way of sports on TV anyway. The NHL All Star game, were most of the top stars don't show up, think Crosby and Malkin, and they score 30 or 40 goals in a game of shinny. The Austrailian Open Tennis. Mildly interesting with two Canadians amongst the best players in the world but still, it is tennis. They should have Austrailian Rules Tennis. Nine players each side, only one ball and every man for himself. Or you could watch curling. Curling on TV is not that bad. They go to commercials. You never here about Curlers and performance enhancing drugs. What would that be? Valium? Make a slow game a little slower? Maybe weed? I know it helps when you're watching curling! Well it's Super Bowl next Sunday and we have a table reserved at Woody's.
GO SEAHAWKS!!!
      I was just headed down to the green Room when Bro Steve showed up for lunch with Lisa. Today was Weigh Day and I wanted to get in a workout before lunch and my appointment with the scale. I have increased my floor exercises to fifteen sets so it takes me about thirty minutes to finish them now. 200 One Stair Steps and another episode of Lilyhammer on the Iron Maiden. The thought process when I'm doing the One Stair Steps is weird. Every time I do them I want to quit! While I'm counting out my sets of twenty-five steps each leg, a part of my mind keeps saying Quit, stop now, no one will know and when I'm on the second hundred I'm almost convinced I should fake a heart attack in order to justify quitting. Inevitably I finish. I've quit way too many things in my life. Like water, I have always looked for the path of least resistance. When it gets tough, go another way. The One Stair Steps are tough but I keep going.

Pre moistened Squatchette

      After my workout and a shower I had leftover chicken and ribs for lunch and started getting ready for Robbie Burns Day at the legion.

Chicken and ribs

I had talked to Mama Lee in the morning and she was keen to go to the ceremony. Then she found out that the ceremony was at 5:00 and conflicted with a show she wanted to see and could she just come for an hour. Don't care, don't care, no! In that order. Mama Lee does this all the time. I bring her home to watch a game she just has to see then she  reads her prayer books and wants to leave in the middle of the second period. I just record it and then I can skim through the commercials so it kind of works out. You can't do that with a live event. Mama Lee agreed that she would stay till the end of the ceremony. We would be at the Legion for at least three hours. All the Scots people are so nice to Mama Lee and she likes going there. They all met her at Squatchapalooza when Mama Lee lived with us.
      When I got to her care facility I was greeted by the news that two of the three wings were quarantined with the flu including hers. And would I put on a mask and gloves. The mask was no problem but I O.J.'d the gloves. One size fits Al. Al must have little girly hands! It must have slipped Mama Lee's mind. I talked to the nurse then told Mama Lee she was grounded. She wasn't happy but she has a good heart. She didn't want to take the chance of making anyone else sick, even though she felt fine. It's a huge issue in care facilities. Everything contagious goes through the whole place.
      I arrived at the Legion just before 4:00 and it was packed. So busy that Chapman the Sargeant at Arms was working the door. I'm not a member of the legion but everyone I know is. He made me sign in for the first time ever. There were lots of cat calls from the Scots Corner when I walked in. "Hey Big Yin" "Ach , aye Big Man" And a lot of "Hallo Squatch" with a Glaswegian accent.

Hey Big Yin

There were a lot of kilts and lot of plaid. I grabbed a pint of Coors Light at the bar and wandered through the crowd stopping to talk to people I knew and some I didn't. It doesn't take much to get a Scot to agree to a party and Rabbie Burns is dear to our hearts. The buzz in the room was increasing as the first of the Highland Dancers took to the dance floor.

Bowlegged Scottish Wains

Beautiful wains from five to fifteen took to the dance floor.

Hey Sailor, buy me a drink?

With a lone piper playing the music,their show lasted for about thirty minutes and they must have done twenty numbers including the Highland Fling and the Sword Dance they finished with all twenty dancers on the floor and received a standing ovation from the besotted gang of misty eyed Wankers.

Highland Flinging

Then in the finest Scottish tradition they quickly moved through the crowd cap in hand sucking the donations out of the us while we were still reminicing. You could hear all the Scots women telling the dancers about when they were young then tossing a fiver in the hat. And I'm pretty sure I saw Jock put in a Toonie and take change! Their smart too.

The Grand Finale

They put a five year old with a teenager, no one has a chance! It was a great show and nice to see that there are people keeping the traditions alive.
      As at most events that are co-ordinated by people who start drinking at 10:00 a.m., it was running late. There was still the Haggis eating contest to go as well as the piping in of the Haggis.When we got back on track it was time for the Haggis eating contest.

Igor, not his real name

Two time defending champion Igor, who is not even Scottish, he's Polish, there were six contestants including Coquitlam Mayor and Legion member Richard Stewart.

Mayor Stewart...eats with a spoon

I was pulling for Killer Katy, she's a five foot Sheriff from New West and is one of those cute little blondes who always seems to be smiling. As much Haggis as you can eat in two minutes. The mayor ate with a spoon to much derision from a boisterous and by this point in time, hammered crowd. Killer Katy was using her hand and trying to wash it down as quick as she put it in her mouth

Killer Katy Haggis Hound

But no one was a match for Igor, not his real name. His real name is polish and starts with an M followed by half a dozen letters in an apparently random fashion. I"ve always called him Igor. He is well educated and well informed. We often talk politics and history. Why he does the Haggis contest? I don't know. He has great technique. Two hands and a straw in a glass with warm water. When the two minutes were up, he was licking the skin. Not a pretty picture.

King Igor of Haggis

       We heard the skirling of the pipes from the vestibule and our anticipation rose as the doors opened and the Haggis on a silver tray was piped into the room.

Piping in the Haggis

Accompanied by A knife Bearer and two Swordsmen. The proud puddin was placed upon the table. Kathy Todd with a voice as sweet as heather recited the Address to the Haggis.

Address to the Haggis

Patsi Holmes gave a toast to the Laddies and Willy Curley gave the Reply to the Lassies.

Reply to the Lassies

It was near 8:00 by the time it was done and I had pulled a four hour, three pint shift.
      The lovely Lisa was in bed when I got home. She has a 1:45 wakeup call. I finished off the chicken and ribs and was in bed before midnight. Papa Squatch Dayscare tomorrow.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward