Who's a Fat Bastard - It's still dark out and the buses aren't even running yet.

January 21, 2015

Sailing on Como Lake

      Early to bed early to rise! Why? There's nothing to do. Unless you want to hear about Jesus or watch yesterdays hi-lights on a loop, there's nothing on TV. The lovely Lisa is still in bed after an eighteen hour shift so I try to not even breathe too loudly. I went to bed at 10:30 last night. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. A good nights sleep would do me a world of good. I was up at 5:12 am. It turns out my bladder doesn't care what time I go to bed. Six hours of sleep and my eyeballs are floating. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and bored out of my skull. It's still dark out and the buses aren't even running yet. 

Still dark out

I sat in the semi darkness of the living room, the only light coming from the 25 watt bulb over the stove. I had tried to go back to bed but Nutmeg had curled up on my pillow the second I got up. I was wide awake at any rate. That was this morning. I'm here to tell you about yesterday.

      I was up early yesterday as well, not as early, but early. I went to bed just after midnight and was up at 7:00. Chef Boy R Lisa was up and gone at 2:45 so I made a cup of insta Joe and wrote yesterdays version of my existence. I started the day by kicking myself in the ass for being such a whiner the last couple of days. Nothing is less becoming than self pity. Poor me, I put on five pounds Wha, Wha! Suck it up Alice. A visit from the Poop Fairy and I'll be down two, maybe three pounds! I did what I've done since May 2. I wiped my tears and pulled on my big boy pants and got on with getting on.
      I was well on my way to finishing yesterdays blog when Bro Steve called. He was taking Mama Lee downtown to have lunch with a friend. I had the legs to her wheelchair in my truck and he needed some cash for Mama Lee. I met up with him at 10:30 at Mama Lee's. He was taking her there and had arranged to have the Handi-Dart pick her up after lunch. I went home and finished my blog.

Tools of the caulk trade

      I stared at the tubes of caulk trying not to make eye contact. I had two very good reasons for avoiding this particular job. One, I hate doing caulking. Two, it gives me time to make some more caulk references/ jokes. I had told Tamara that I was going to caulk her tub on Saturday. On Monday I went out to the shed to get the caulk and it had gone hard. Now, I know you would think that hard caulk is a good thing. But it's not. I kneaded and massaged it hoping it's silicone goo would spurt forth. Nothing. They should make Viagra for it. Tuesday I went and got some fresh caulk. Ready for the shower in three hours. They have stuff that's ready in thirty minutes but I wasn't in the mood for a quickie! It was too late in the day to start caulking so I put it off for another day. Sooner or later I'm going to have to caulk that crack. I hope I have enough caulk. Our house is the same age as me and I can't imagine how much caulk it would take to fill my crack! 
      I put on my workout gear and hit the Green room hard. Like I said, I put on my big boy pants. Which was ironic because I was wearing shorts. I had trouble getting started today. 

Smile or Grimace

Every ten reps I was thinking, it's too hard today. So I did what I always do when I have an unpleasant task ahead of me. One at a time, left, right, left, right until it's done. Ten sets of ten reps of my five different floor exercises. Sometimes I think that they are really helping my shoulders and sometimes I think that I'm doing more harm than good. With every stretch my shoulders sound like someone's popping bubble wrap. And the shooting pains that accompany it are a little bit annoying. I do have much more mobility now. I can lift both my arms over my head. It's been several years since I could do that. 200 One stair steps. Does that sound like a lot? It's by far the most cardio that I do. I wanted to quit after every twenty-five reps. As usual I was doing laundry so after 100 reps I flipped it over to the dryer and reloaded the washer.

Laundry boy

I was going to skip the last hundred and just ride the Iron Maiden but I seem to be running on a fuel called guilt. I kept saying to myself, "It's just like golf, the only person you cheat is yourself!" On wobbly legs I finished and then rode the Maiden for an episode of Lilyhammer. I don't know how much good the Iron Maiden really does, but I can watch shows that the lovely Lisa doesn't like. Dripping with sweat I hit the shower. 

      I made myself a lunch of Italian sausage and eggs. I bought the sausage out of the used meat section at Cheap Thrills. I got twelve sausages for $4.10! Not only was my belly happy, my Scots wallet was too!

      In my quest for redemption from my birthday binge I packed up the Rat dogs and headed to Como Lake. It was a beautiful day today. Temperature in the low teens and the sun shining brightly. There were a ton of dogs there today. Okay not a ton. There were mostly Rat dogs there today. It would take hundreds of them to make up a ton. It took about twenty-five minutes to go around the first time. Bums to sniff, grass to water 

A pee machine

and for Nutmeg, Goose Poop to roll in. 

What can I say....disgusting

Yes, the geese are back. 

And so are the model boaters.

Halfway around the second time I ran into my back door neighbours Bob and Claudette, They're a nice retired couple who live across the lane from us. They have a cottage at Stave Lake and spend a lot of time there, particularly in the summer. I walked with them, talking about the changes to the neighbourhood over the years and about their walking program. Bob has been walking for a while but this was Claudette's first day. She did great. I ended up going three times around. The last one dragging Nutmeg. They started up the wood chipper across the lake and she lost her tiny mind. I wonder what people think when they see this giant man dragging this tiny little dog, tail between her legs around the lake. I was so busy dragging Nutmeg I didn't notice that the head had fallen off my bag bone. 
      I went to the Loony Store. For those of you readers that don't live in Canada that's a dollar store. But with the drop in the value of the Canadian dollar, they don't sell anything for a dollar anymore. I bought a new bag bone and some extra bags and a raincoat for Elvis. The Rat dogs are still hosting the Flea circus so I stopped at the vets for some Advantage. $95 for a six month supply. That's for a six kilo dog. I have two three kilo dogs. You do the math. The vet says it doesn't expire and that three months usually does the trick. 

Bag Bone 

      It was just after 5:00 when Chef Boy R Lisa texted me my Ho warning. I turned the oven on to 400 degrees in case the lovely Lisa wasn't bringing any food home. I had chicken at the ready. I didn't need it. The lovely Lisa brought home a pile of ginger pork and some salad and some white chocolate macadamia nut cookies that she made and warned me under penalty of death not to eat.      
" I made those for work and I don't have any freezer space on the truck" she said. "How is this my problem" I asked myself. " I wouldn't do that " I said to the lovely Lisa. " Bullshit, I put thirty nine blondies, (That's a brownie made with caramel, OMG they're good) in the freezer and when I took them to work there were only nineteen left!" She said accusingly. "Evaporation?" I suggested. 
"I'll evaporate your ass if those cookies go missing!" I don't even know what that means.

     After a nice meal of Ginger Pork and Squatch salad we watched a little tube with the lovely Lisa nodding off on the couch. It worked out well for me because I got to watch the end of the Raptors game. They lost. Fortunately we play Philly next and they really suck!
      The lovely Lisa trundled off to bed about 9:00 and I was down for the count about 10:30 which is why I was up at 5:12 this morning.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward