Who's a Fat Bastard - Like a slot machine from Hell

September 25, 2014

     It's not bad enough that I didn't get Wednesday's blog posted until nearly midnight Thursday. Now while I'm trying to write Thursday's blog before Saturday arrives, I have an eyelash in my eye, and my eye won't stop watering. It's very annoying.

     I had a horrendous night last night. I went to bed about 11:30 frustrated by losing last nights work and planning to be up early to finish writing the blog. I don't know what combination of foods I ate yesterday that created this issue but I had more gas in me than a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon! I was rotten! 

     I got out of bed because I couldn't stand myself, and I was concerned I might have crapped my jammies! As I padded softly to the door I heard Lisa mumble, "Eww, what's that?"

"Elvis farted." I said. What kind of person blames a five pound dog for something like that?....Me, it would seem. 

Elvis!!!!

I did three crosswords before I realised I had nothing but air. I was bloated and started feeling a little nauseous. I never did vomit, but I was up dealing with it for over two hours. After  along hot shower I was able to get back to sleep. And sleep I did. I never got out of bed until ten, and only then because the kitchen drain had started leaking and Lisa was freaking. 

"Relax honey" I said, totally ignoring my rule about never saying that to a woman who is obviously not relaxed! It doesn't relax them.  " It's just the drain. I'll have it fixed in no time." We just need to get everything out from under the sink. 

Everything from under the sink.

And so began my day long struggle with the kitchen sink.

The villain of our story

It was easy to see what was wrong. The downspout was rusted right off. No problem. Well maybe one problem. I couldn't get the old one out. I did what any decent handyman would do in this situation, I called next door Gord. 

Like a freakin Garden Gnome, next door Gord

I showed him the problem, he hit it with the wrench and it popped out. I took it all apart and took the parts with me to Rona. Needless to say there was no one to assist me so I assisted myself. To the wrong things. Not the replacement drain but the Teflon washers that go in the plastic pipe. It took me three trips to get it right. Though in fairness, one of those trips was to return the wrong stuff I didn't need. No armed with the necessary parts I began the reconstruction of my drains. 

First, place the rubber seal around the clean and dry drain hole in the sink after removing the plumbers putty you didn't need but put on before reading the instructions.

Don't do it like this! No putty

Second, read the instructions! Then put strainer through drain hole  and secure from below with nut and galvanised sleeve provided. Third, Install downspout with wrench only to find the down spout is too long. 

Who you calling a tool?

Fourth, Call next door Gord. He's out! I'm sure he has a pipe cutter. I can wait till he comes back.

     Our friend Duffy came by the house for coffee. We haven't seen him for a while. He has a new job selling Nissans out in South Surrey. Or North Whiterock as some prefer. I got a text from Christian about this time. It seems that Bella was expecting me to pick her up from school yesterday and when her Dad came instead, she started crying. She told him "I miss my Papa."

     And it's true, we haven't seen them for a while. Between our travelling and the last days of summer. It just worked out that way.

So I said I would pick her up after school.

     I made my way across the street to her school and waited patiently for the bell to ring. I feel the eyes of all the women in the school yard on me. I realise that I'm wearing poorly fitting sweat pants, a T shirt with a roach burn in the middle where my belly used to be and shoes with no socks. I would have called 911! 

Happy to see her Papa.

     In grade 1 you have to collect your kid from the teacher. Bella lit up and waved as soon as she saw me. I waved to her teacher and Bella was unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Or my backyard at least. 

Two minutes later at home.

She was so happy to see me, until we got home that is. "Can I play with Matty?" she asked the second we walked through the door. 

"I don't think he's home yet. I just saw his Dad running across the street in a panic". I said with a giggle, thinking of the number of times I ran over there in a panic myself.

 "Can I play with Matty when he gets home Papa?" 

"You can play in traffic if you want Sweetie. I gotta finish this sink. I gotta hang out chatting with Duffy and I gotta wait for next door Gord to come home so I can borrow his pipe cutter. 

Bella and Matty got in some good outdoor play time. The pair of them are bug freaks! They sit out there turning over rocks or catching moths or Ladybugs for hours. I don't think they're eating them. Even though I encourage them to do so.

Christian showed up just as Duffy left. He had gotten up at 4 am to go fishing with the boss before work. He was flashing pictures of the salmon they had caught this morning. Grinning from ear to ear. He brought one to the house for me to give to next door Gord and his wife Alice. They weren't home yet so I put it in my freezer. I probably won't forget who it belongs to. Actually Alice reads my blog and I'll hear her tomorrow, " Hey you fat bastard, where's my salmon?"

     When next door Gord got home he came over right away. "Why didn't you use a hack saw? My pipe cutter isn't big enough for that anyway" he said. " I thought it needed to be a smooth cut" I sputtered.  He just shook his head, picked up the pipe, and walked away. After we cut and sanded the brass pipe we put the drain pipes back together and tested the joints.

The Brained Trust

They all leaked! We knew they would. You need to be careful with plastic fittings. It's very easy to break them by over tightening. We made the adjustments we needed and within minutes, we were dry and flowing. Next door Gord went home for supper, Lisa was getting ready for us to go down to Woody's pub for dinner because the kitchen was a disaster. While she was getting Lisafied, I finished up under the sink.

Like a slot machine from hell!  Pull my finger!

We haven't been down to Woody's for a while. They have good food and lots of sports on TV. They also have NTN poker and Lisa loves that. I was able to eat Chicken wings, a steak sandwich medium rare with a ceaser salad, drink two coors light with tomato juice. (You need some Veggies) All the while watching the Canucks beat Calgary, and the previously pitiful NY Giants pound the hapless, and possibly soon to be nameless, Washington Redskins into the ground. We came home in time for me to watch the end of both games and all was good with the world. Well, my tiny little part of it anyway. I tucked Lisa in about ten then wrote yesterdays blog. Followed immediately by the writing of todays blog and tomorrow, which is already today, an adventure waiting to happen.

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y"all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward