Dave Squatch Ward: Who's a Fat Bastard - I've seen all their movies

September 27, 2014

Collecting Birdies.

Pulled pork at 10 pm didn't sit well with me come 4 am. I had a thirty minute conversation with the porcelain phone. It was weird. It came out of nowhere. When I was finished talking to uncle Ralph I had a shower, brushed my teeth and went back to bed. This morning I woke up with the alarm and I felt great. Go figure. I lay there for about twenty minutes wondering why it happened. No Idea. I see my Doctor on Wednesday. I'll run it by him. I had a full set of blood work done and I'm going to get the results. I'm hoping it's not another pregnancy scare.

It's quiet around our place on the weekends. The elementary school across the street is closed. Fewer people going to work. Add in the sun beaming down, already 24 degrees on my front deck and you got a perfect day. Till the bus, airbrakes screeching, arrives at the bus stop right across the street at 9:42 and every half hour after that.

After a couple of shots of Joe, I opened up the attic and helped Lisa put away Momma Lee's spring and summer collection. Lisa left to go and finish organising Momma Lee's winter wardrobe. "I should only be an hour, then we'll play golf" If the Queen was coming to lunch, and the sun came out, Lisa would want to play golf. "Sounds good to me" I yelled as I heard the front door close.
1000 Four Stair Stretches

200 One Stair Steps

40 Situps and 100 Belly Crunches.

Not as easy as I make it look?

I rushed up stairs to shower and grab a bite before we hit the golf course. I was extra excited because I have new golf shoes.

You can tell I'm happy, I make faces with my food

Lisa will be home any minute now. That's what I keep telling myself. She knows lunch time is the best time to go to Rupert Park Pitch n Putt. 12:14 pm, I put our clubs at the front door. 1:27 pm, I tighten the spikes on my new shoes. 2:09 pm, I hear Otto pull into the drive way. 2:18, I help unload the car. 2:27 we are in the car. 2:28, I am back in the house to get my new golf shoes.
It was worth the wait. What a beautiful Indian Summer day. Am I allowed to say Indian Summer? If people are pissed at The Washington Redskins, Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians what chance does Indian Summer have?

Coming in from Coquitlam

We had made plans to meet our friend Lyndsey at Tentatsu at 5:00, not looking good. It was 3:00 and we were behind a fivesome of Rockstars who had a blaster in a backpack and played Motley Crue for two and a half hours, and a Lesbian couple who ran across the parking lot to get ahead of us. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Lesbians. Hell, I've seen all their movies! We called Lyndsey and changed the time to 5:30.

I started off great, building a substantial lead. By the turn I was up 13 - 7. I don't know what happened but I became a shadow of my former golfing self.

A shadow of myself

It was like the Ryder Cup and I was the Americans. Lisa was on fire! She must have taken inspiration from grateful bridge. She was dropping lawn darts at the pin.

Grateful Bridge. Lisa's secret weapon?

Let me set the scene for you. It's the 18th Tee box. The score is

13-11 Squatch. We are carrying one skin forward. This hole is worth a potential four points. My new shoes are giving me a blister on my heel. The gallery falls silent. Okay, the gallery was just the old Chinese guy who collects the empties, but he was still silent! Lisa had the honours.

Kicking Squatch Butt!

Her ball arced high into the air. Outlined against the perfect blue of the autumn sky. On the green her shiny pink sphere came to a stop forty feet from the hole. Closest to the pin wins the hole if we tie for score. I step onto the Tee box, I stare down the green Eighty yards away, I adjust my grip and tug at my crotch, just for fun, then shank my shot. Lisa is today's victor 14-13. I collected my losers kiss and blamed my new shoes.

We met Lyndsey at Tentatsu at 5:30 and had a very nice meal as usual.

Lisa and Lyndsey

Unagi, Chicken Teriyaki, some beautiful Sockeye salmon sashimi and Gai Lan that tasted like Garlic flavoured sticks.

We were going out to Cloverdale tonight to see brother Steve play with Tyme Machine. They're a very good cover band. Perfect for the Legion circuit. We got there about 8:30 and the place was packed. The dance floor was full and we had to make a table in the corner so we would have somewhere to sit.

Three of the band members sing and their set list is great.