Who's a Fat Bastard - Another one bites the dust

June 30, 2014

     Well, all I can say is, a wedding is no place to be on a diet. Today at 4:00 Lisa's boss Nin, married the lovely Krista in a ceremony on the beach in Hawaii. We almost missed it. We thought the wedding was at 4:30. At 3:10 we got in the car and Lisa asked me to turn on her phone and check for messages. There was only one. The one telling us the wedding was at 4:00. We were thirty miles from the wedding, and panic was setting in. Well at least for Lisa. I was more concerned about missing the reception! Let me start at the beginning.

     The day broke as it has every day since we have been here, at 8:30 am it was 85 degrees and holding. How is that even possible? It's been dark for eight hours and it's still 85 degrees. Shouldn't it cool down overnight. Fortunately the condo has an air conditioner and three fans. Better yet, we have a snorkel and fins. But first, breakfast.

A bowling ball sized avocado!

     Avocado the size of my head and a selection of Tuna lettuce wraps. With the wedding looming we knew we had to get going. Knowing and doing are two totally different things. The beach we were going to is less than two miles from the condo. It was noon before we got there. I was ready to go in minutes. Others , not so much.

When we got there we pulled right into a parking spot like we owned the place. We spread our ``borrowed`` United Air blanket center stage on the beach and hit the water running. Well, sitting really. 

Ready to go

     As hot and humid as it has been, it has also been overcast for the last two days. Unusual for the east side of the Island. We drove in a wicked rain storm last night but we were on the west side of  Hawaii at the time. Our camera's underwater setting automatically adjusts the light meter so with no sun the pictures aren't as clear as they could be.

Our first session lasted about an hour. By the time I got out of the water I was pruned up pretty good. Not a pretty site. Lisa and I checked the time and figured we had another half hour of snorkeling left and that would leave us plenty of time to travel the forty minutes out to the Fairmont Orchid for the wedding. I swam to the outer reef that protects the bay, just to see what was there. That was what you might call, stupid. The waves were breaking over the reef and I was lucky not to be thrown onto the coral. That would not be good for me or the Coral! There was some amazing coral out there! Besides being alive, it can cut you like a razor. ( I have a four inch scar on my belly from a run in with a coral reef and a Sea Turtle a few years ago on Kauai.) When I replace my keg with a six pack I might show it to you! Lisa was trying to get out there but the waves were to strong. She had the camera so I have no pics of the coral. I moved away from the reef into calmer waters only to discover I was three hundred meters from shore. I am a strong swimmer and was unconcerned until I found myself between two reefs that were only about a foot under water. It took me a few minutes to find a channel that led back to the shore.

     In my mind, I see myself gracefully gliding through the water like a Dolphin. In reality, I am more like a Sea Slug. Strong but slow.

Slow moving fish bait

By the time I got to shore it was almost 2:30 and Lisa was waiting for me. Never a good thing. That's my job! I wait, then I carry heavy stuff. 

" Hey, we've got two hours before the wedding." I said, regretting the words even as they left my mouth. "What kind of Idiot are you?" she asked "Just the regular kind" was my reply, trying to lighten the moment. 

" Get in the car" was all she said. 

     All the way back to the condo I assured her we had plenty of time. I tell you boys, Hell hath no fury like a woman rushed! I sat sheepishly on the couch while Lisa got herself ready in the bathroom. For a woman who looks as good as she does, she was unbelievably quick. Me, I'm wash and wear. I was in and out of the shower and dressed in less than five minutes. After a very quick debate, which I lost, I put on my big boy pants instead of the cargo shorts I was wearing. As we made our way out to the car, Squish was hanging on a post not a care in the world. He saw us and ran away. Lucky bastard!

My pal Squish

     Do you know what the problem with a tourist town is, tourists. 

There everywhere, they look at everything, all the time, even when they're driving! No wait, especially when they're driving! That takes us back to where I started .this blog. 3:10 and running late.

     The thirty miles to the Orchid is one lane each way that cuts through endless, and to my eye, identical lave fields. Though I did see a herd of goats running alongside the road and one lonely Donkey eating a tree in the lava field.

     We were late. Thankfully so was everyone else. The ceremony took place on the shore and was conducted by a Hawaiian minister who kept switching between English and Hawaiian. For all we know he could have been reciting his grocery list! Krista the bride was beautiful and Nin was dashing and handsome in his tux.

The ceremony was short and the weather was perfect, just enough cloud to take the heat down a notch. There was a lot of Leiing and kissing and then it was done.

     While the newly joined couple were off doing pictures.

We were having drinks on the lawn before the reception. 

I had a Bud Light or two and Lisa had a Virgin Pina Colada. Getting ready for her trip into the Volcano I suppose. 

Lisa took over four hundred pictures, mostly of people we just met. Everyone there was welcoming and friendly, and there was a really good vibe about the whole affair. On an interesting note Nin and Krista met a couple at the resort and hit it off. They came to the wedding ceremony and the reception after dinner. Luke and Katie. She plays Raj's girlfriend on the Big Bang Theory. Not only am I a fat bastard, I'm a fat name dropping bastard!

     They served a five course meal with breaks in between courses for sunset watching and speeches and such. 

I had the beef tenderloin, it was perfect and Lisa had the Mahi Mahi, also perfect. The rest of the reception was the same as every other reception, except there where a lot of Bollywood hits. That stuff is fun to dance to!

     The diet was out the window today. For the first time since May 2, I had bread. Just one bun, but it was sooooo good. Weigh day has come and gone. I will wait till I get home on Thursday and weigh myself then. On the one day I have before we go on the Alaska cruise. I'm afraid it's going to be hard to lose weight on that boat. Unless, we get shipwrecked. Then I can start eating the old and infirm! "Soylent green is people!" and I believe, low carb.

     We got home late and I was tired from the two Scotch I had. I went to bed for three hours and dreamt that I didn't write my blog, so I got up at 3:30 and wrote it. Now the sun is up, and I'm screwed. I have never been able to sleep during the day. 

     This is our last full day on the Big Island. It has been a good time because of the people we have met. It's been a great time, because I'm here with the lovely Lisa. Even though she doesn't read my blog. I still love her.

That's all I got.

Till next time

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward