Who's a Fat Bastard - Who's a Daft Bastard

June 20, 2014

     Have you ever had the feeling when the phone rings unexpectedly, that something is wrong. Is it premonition or supposition? Thanks to call display you don't have to guess any more. I recognised the number right away. It was unusual to hear from my friend Willie at 10am on a work day. We have been away so I assumed he was calling to invite us to do something this weekend. 

     My day started out like every day for the last seven weeks or so. With the notable exception of a four and a five year old, who wake up before the sun. Their Dad leaves for work at 7:45 and I get up at 8:00. That gives them fifteen minutes with the remote. Those two are so quiet in the morning, so as not to wake up Gramma Lisa, I forget they are there. I'm on my second cup of Joe when I realise, I am not alone. I hear a door open, or maybe I just feel the change in atmosphere. I am waiting for the pitter patter of eight tiny doggie feet to make their way to the kitchen. Nothing. I go to the hallway as Bella comes out of the bathroom. 
     Oh yeah, "Are you ready for breakfast guys? How about some oatmeal?" "No thank you Papa" Bella said with a look of distaste. 

"Okay, cereal or eggs?" I asked. I was told that it's a good idea to give them a choice. That way they feel like they have some control. "Chocolate chip pancakes, Papa." "That's not on the menu, cereal or eggs?" I asked again. "Toast with peanut butter."she tried . "Toast, no peanut butter, eggs and tomato slices or cereal." 

Squatchalicous Breakfast

     I had a smokey, eggs over hard and a tomato. They both had eggs and toast with tomato. Which they ate all of without complaint. Even the crusts! One day of starvation and they know you mean business. I am a genius! As a reward, I kicked them outside. 
     I did my stretches and was halfway through the crunches when Lisa came running down stairs with the news. Ten minutes on the phone and we were out the door. I didn't even shower! I thought it might help ward of the cooties in the pestilence ridden facility we were headed to. That's right, Royal Columbian Hospital. 
     This is a strange but true story. I will try to give you the Readers Digest version. Willie is a painter, for forty years he has been up and down ladders. This past Tuesday he took a header off a ladder from fourteen feet. Ten stitches in his elbow that looks like some kind of cassava melon. A probable torn rotator cuff in his shoulder and a bruise on his ass that would make a Baboon jealous!
     Now here's the strange part. That was the best part of his day.
As he is sitting in triage the Nurse takes one look at him and he's on a cot. He was having a heart attack right there in emergency. Lucky bastard, I had mine on the golf course, and I was playing great! I might have broken eighty! The nurse phones up stairs, Doctor says bring him up. Two hours, and four stents later he's healing nicely.

Who's a Daft Bastard

Lisa and I spent thirty minutes or so with him. We left about noon when they dragged him screaming for his colonoscopy! " It's my elbow that's broke" he said in his near incomprehensible Glaswegian accent, as the elevator doors silently closed, I thought I heard a whimper. I'm not worried about Willie. He's a Scotsman! If you see him, ask him how he's doing, He'll tell you, "Nae sae bad."
     We stopped to visit with Momma Lee, her table mate passed yesterday and we want to keep an eye on her. She seems all right so far. She's coming for dinner tonight. We leave for Hawaii to attend a wedding next Wednesday. Will the madness ever stop. 

Hammin it up

     A quick shop for fresh produce. A ham and cheese lettuce wrap and the information all my kiddy training disintegrated in an orgy of Pizza supplied Tamara, who was kind enough to look after the kids while we were with Willie, and my own sweet wife! Tossing out ice cream drumsticks like the Good Humour Man. How am I ever going to train these kids?
     In utter frustration I mowed the lawn. Also it was six inches long. There is a certain sense of well being that takes over when I mow the lawn. The vibration in my hands, the hum of the engines, the screams of the mulched insects or maybe just the fumes from the gas. 

Half the back forty.

     I went and got Momma Lee for dinner and a photo fest. Lisa brought home thousands of pictures, some going back to the 1850s. I sat on the back deck, read my book and listened to the Lions game on the radio. 
     Winner, winner, chicken dinner! It's shake n bake and I didn't help! I did however eat four pieces, with asparagus and Squatch salad. 

I feel like chicken tonight!

     Being the full service husband I am, and not wanting to see one more, 100 year old photo of nobody knows who! I did the dishes, then snuck back out on the deck to listen to the game on the radio. 
      When I took Momma Lee home, I took the dogs with me for a walk around Como Lake. Twice around and Nutmeg decided we were done. I am done too. Also, I walked around in a picture deficient coma most of today. Feel free to share. The more the merrier!
     Sunday is Weigh Day, and we fly into The Big Island on Wednesday. So unless I suffer some kind of serious vacuum accident I am not going to make thong weight. thirty- two lbs down, Seventeen lbs to go.

That's all I got.
Till next time
Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward