Who's a Fat Bastard

     This is my first attempt at a blog. Do I have anything important, interesting or even slightly amusing to contribute to the blogosphere. I have no idea. I am about to start on a journey and every one is welcome to come along.
     I had an epiphany while at the dog beach 3 days ago. May 1 2014. I am a fat bastard. I know that most of you are already aware of this. I was, until recently, blissfully unaware. The biggest lies we tell, are the ones we tell ourselves! I have somehow become a compulsive liar. I could look in the mirror and say "Oh yeah Squatchy, you lookin good". Of course my mirror is 14 inches wide and I am 44 inches wide. I like to refer to it as my optical delusion. I am seriously starting to get the Santa thing down pat. And what does Santa do? He works one day a year and eats too many cookies!
     I walk around Como Lake 4 times a week, 1 kilometre each time around and I usually go around twice. My legs are tighter than a nun's sense of humour. My butt cheeks could crack walnuts! The problem is I am carrying the equivalent of 2 sacks of cement on my chest and belly. No that's not right. More like 75 lbs of marshmallow. Soft and squishy.
With a razor and an ice cube,  my " mantitties "  could be a centerfold!
     So what am I going to do about it? I have already started a version of the Atkins diet. I did it in the 90's and lost 100 lbs. Then I started making kidney stones, ooooooowwwwww, that sucked long, hard and steady. Back then I went heavy on the meat aspect of the program. I wasn't happy unless something was slaughtered for my dining enjoyment. This time, I'm more into the veggies. If only they would scream when I cut them (sigh). So here I go, May 2 2014 let the diet begin.
     I weighed  myself after my morning constitutional, because that is when you are lightest, having just mailed a 2 pounder to the pooping grounds, and came in at 74.2 lbs over my fighting weight at a  rotund 324.2 lbs. Now, some people might be intimidated by the high numbers. Not me. Here in Canada we're metric! That makes me a slim trim 147.363636363636, I may not need to diet after all. Unfortunately,
 I don't have metric pants! 
     After my first day of meatloaf, no filler, made by the lovely Lisa, 1 lb of asperagus , 3 eggs and a whole bag of Squatch enhanced salad, I slept like a baby, I usually would have a bowl of cereal before bed and would toss and turn all night. Sometimes I would be so restless, I would get out of bed and eat another bowl of cereal. If I eat enough empty carbs I can slip into  diabetic shock for 6 hours. Ahhh, nothing like a good nights coma. 
                             May 3 2014
     I know not to expect much to happen after only one day, yet still I was eager. I had a cup of coffee, no sugar, 1 cream. I don't mean to be indelicate but, you could set your watch by my BM's. I always used to pinch a loaf by 7:30 but as I got older I found myself sleeping till 8, Lisa was not amused. So now I have trained my colon to spring into action at 9. Everyone is much happier. 
     After 1 day on my diet I stripped down to the suit I was born in, and stepped on the scale. To my surprise it read 322.1 lbs. or 146.4090909 metric, that's  less than the day before. 
     Okay already, I know it's just water weight, but water made the grand canyon! Had a couple of eggs for breakfast. We have these fantastic eggs we got from  Vancouver Island, bright orange yolks and sooo tasty. They'll have to measure my cholesterol in a bucket. A can of tuna, onion, mayo, dill pickle, salt, pepper , a few shots of Frank's Hot Sauce and some leaf lettuce and lunch is a munch.
I am really diggin the whole lettuce thing. The funny thing is, I never liked lettuce on a sandwich. 
     Lisa and I went down to Woody's Pub for dinner. They do excellent wings and wings are protein and I choose to ignore the cabillion grams of fat these deep fried beauties contribute to my already congested colon, but I digress. I usually have a Red Eye when we go to Woody's, that's beer and tomato juice, it just seems wrong to live on beer and chicken wings alone. Love my veggies. Alas, beer is not on my diet so I ordered a diet coke. I think my toxic levels of aspartame were down a quart. I rarely drink soda these days and I feel bad sitting there eating cheap chicken wings and drinking water. Played NTN Poker for a couple of hours, paid our tab , $20 with tip. Made my Scottish heart jump for joy. Late night snack of celery sticks with cream cheese and a boiled egg . I was in bed and asleep by 12:30 so far so good.
                                May 4 2014   
   I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and energetic. Could it be that my change in diet is having an effect already. Or did my sometimers cause me to double up on my meds? Brewed up a pot of Joe and eagerly awaited the arrival of the poop fairy. Right on time. 
     There is something surreal about standing naked in your bathroom when you are as big as I am. You kind of have to twist and rotate in order to see some of the formerly prominent appendages. My Dad told me " If you have good equipment put a shed over it " I may have gone a little too far. 
     In my brain I hear the screams of the scale as I approach it with trepidation , not wanting to alarm it, I speak nicely to it assuring it I would be gentle. I feel the coolness of its glass face being crushed beneath my Squatch like feet. Its digital display spinning like a slot machine. Finally it blinks at me 3 times 319.6 or 145.2727272727
in my ultra skinny metric size.
     Feeling good about myself I make an omelet with onion, Squatch smashed meatloaf, fresh tomato and a dash of Slap Your Mamma Cajun spice. Watched the Raptors become extinct in the NBA playoffs then went to visit my Mother in law at the care facility where she lives now.
     I go there with my guitar once a week and play the residents all those old country songs. Hank and Merle and Willy. I love to perform as you know, and they are mostly non mobile, I love a captive audience. Even if I suck they can't get away. 
     I came home and wrote this blog, I guess like everything I do, I'm doing this for me. I don't know if I will reach my goals or if anyone cares if I do. Will I keep it up? We will see.
     Almost dinner time. Broccoli, Squatch enhanced salad and a return appearance of the Meatloaf.

This is the pic that started it all

Bon Apatite   
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©2014 Dave Squatch Ward