Who's a fat bastard - The Temptation of Costco

May 8, 2014

     Woke up this morning at the break of 10. Sadly, the first thing on my mind was the Poop Fairy. Where was she? I'm an 8:30 guy!      Lisa had already made a pot of coffee. We don't see eye to eye on the strength of coffee. At first glance this seems to be a none issue, but let me assure you the difference between 2 level scoops and 2 heaping scoops is biological. As it turns out Lisa's heaping scoops was just the ticket. The Poop Fairy had been summoned. She arrived on a bicycle built for number 2 and pedalled off into the bowels of my home. I gotta stop talking about this. I'm obviously running out of poop metaphors.

     I was informed that we would be going to Costco. Knowing what awaited me, I made a preemptive strike!

Preemptive strike

     It's suicide for a dieter to go to Costco hungry! 

 The Temptation Of Costco

Costco

     Like a Frat boy at initiation, Costco makes you run the gauntlet of their sampler army. It's not bad enough that you are accosted at every corner by somebody's Granny trying to convince you that the plastic wrapped, mass produced tidbit she just popped out of a microwave is a viable alternative to food.  

     At Costco you have to be a member. This is the only area you have access to without permission. 

Giant Hotdog

     

     How can you get past that! A giant Tubesteak and, a 20 ounce serving of aspartame! All for $1.50. You can't afford not to poison yourself.

     I steeled myself against the temptation for I am weak when it comes to Hotdogs. 8 days ago I would have 2, with hot mustard chopped onion and sauerkraut. Sitting here writing this I'm drooling like Pavlovs dog.

     I'm not a member. Lisa is. I'm the muscle. I just follow orders. So does the Costco door Nazi. 

     While I was gazing lustfully at the 10 foot long Hotdog, Lisa had slipped outside to the garden center. I thought I would just go play free cell on a demo computer. "Excuse me sir, may I see your Costco card?" said the middle aged man armed with a clicker and a hand full of specials sheets. Try saying that three times fast!

specials sheets,specials sheets,specials sheets. 

     " I don't have one, I'm with her " I said, pointing over my shoulder at a young women with 2 kids. " I have a wife, really"

     "I'm sure you do sir, what you don't have is a Costco card."

     What is the worst I could do, spend money? Okay, I admit that in the past, I have gone to Costco for free sample lunch. Maybe they have a list. Maybe I'm on that list! Sometimes I eat the grapes.

     Lisa bought a Humongous hanging basket. Filled the cart.

Humongous Hanging Basket

     "See, I told you I have a wife." I said smugly, as I dutifully pushed the giant Costco cart, with the gigantic hanging basket exactly where Lisa told me to. I was in the previously forbidden Costco. I call that a win.

     It's not easy being on a diet in Costco. 

Rye Bread and Cream Cheese

The Sample army was out in full force today. It seemed like at the end of every aisle there was another temptation. 

Falafal Balls

Rye bread and cream cheese, Falafal Balls with sweet sauce and numerous types of crackers.

Crackers

    

     A lot of the Samplers wouldn't let me take their pictures or even pictures of the samples. Maybe they thought the camera would steal there soul. 

     I ate a piece of cheese, top row, third from the left. I liked it.

Cheese 

     We bought a couple of shoe racks for Mom, and a couple of buckets of Aleve for me. I have arthritis. Not a surprise really. If I knew my hands were going to hurt this much, I would have kicked more guys!

     As we neared the insane Costco lineup, I said to Lisa "Oh, darn. I forgot to buy eggs. You can just wait here, I'll go get them" then I went and played free cell on the demo computer. When I got back, she was waiting at the door. I jumped the line and handed the eggs to the Costco cart loader. "You need to wait in line to pay for these sir" 

" I can't I'm not a member." 

     When we got home Lisa was on about my beard. "It's too big and scraggly." I said "I'm growing it for the Grandkids, I can be Santa this year." 

      She said " You know Santa only comes once a year."

 I trimmed my beard!

Before

After

     
     The hair is another matter.
     I cooked Mexican tonight. Not easy when you aren't eating carbs. I decided the only way to do it, and stick to the plan, was to make Pescado con lechuga. I made Salsa, coleslaw and Guacamole then pan fried sole fillets. Lisa had potato and corn tortillas and I did Mexican lettuce wraps. Muey delisioso!

   

      I feel really good, my glucose levels are better than they have been in years.   

     Writing this on a daily basis is making me think I should perform on stage again. It's been a while. Maybe in the fall. Summer sucks for stand up and besides, we are going back east for 3 weeks in June. Then I will be in my Leopard skin thong on a beach in Hawaii for a week. Then the biggest diet buster of all, an Alaska cruise with Mom and a dozen or so family members. I will still be posting while we are travelling, though maybe not every day.

     Thanks for taking the time to read this. Keep your head up and your eyes open. Life is never dull if your paying attention.

peace out Ya'll

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward