Who's a Fat Bastard - From one mother to another

May 11, 2014

     What a day! Not only is it Weigh Day, it's also Mothers Day. And having had a Mother and having been characterised as a Mother, on a number of occasions, by a number of different people. Often, but not always preceded by a verb and followed by an expletive deleted,

ie. Crazy, Stupid, mean...Get the picture. The expletive at the end remains the same.

      I think that gives me the right to express my opinion on the matter of Mothers Day.
     Right behind Valentines Day, the most popular of the Hallmark Holidays, is Mothers Day. Who doesn't love "Mommy Dearest?"

We have spent our entire lives trying to please the Mother ship. To make her proud. To get the pat on the head for going poo poo in the potty. I find it absurd that a card company has to tell you to love , honour and respect the person who delivered you into this world. 
Mothers Day is one day a year. Show your Mom you love her. Give her the thing she wants the most, your time. Your Mother is your Mother every day. You only get one. Enjoy her, spend time with her.

Momma Lee

     For those of you my age, be patient, be kind and be understanding.  It's our turn next!

I Am Lawnboy

         I am Lawn Boy hear me roar / whine. When we bought our place 13 years ago, Lisa was concerned about the size of the lawn.  I said "Nah, it's not too much lawn. Besides I find mowing the lawn relaxing." 
     That was then, this is now. Our property is 142 x 75 almost a quarter acre, 75% of it lawn. After 3 days of rain, the sun came out and the freakin thing grew 6 inches!
 

Left Side

  

Right Side 

    I did the front yard first, it's the smallest but I have to carry the lawn mower from one side to the other.

Side Yard with Cherry Tree

     Then I tackle the side yard. It's the hardest to do because of the roots from the Giant Cedar next door, that kills everything within it's evil sphere of influence. Also the five way cherry tree that we planted when we bought the house. We  have never gotten a cherry off of it. Sorry. That's not true, the birds, aphids and squirrels don't like the sour cherries. There's always a few of them left. Nothing but Bings and  Raniers for the discriminating varmint!

The Back 40

    I save the back 40 for last. It's relatively flat, though there are numerous obstacles. Swings ,chairs, balls, toys and a trampoline that I use as Grandkid bait.

Lawnboy in Action

      In all it takes me about 2 hours to do all 3 zones. Not counting rest breaks (often), conversations with people not mowing the lawn, but happily dispensing advice on how I should, (not so often) And the call of the Lisa saying"Wanna go pitch n putt?" (not often enough) But when it does, the lawn takes a couple of days.

     Well, today was Weigh Day. I put it off as long as I could. Hoping against hope for a Mothers Day miracle! Like I said before, I have been flying straight since I started this. I have not even thought about eating the cheese cake that was in the fridge for Mothers Day. It looked so good I drooled when it was being served at dinner. The reason I was stalling? Poop Fairy is MIA. AGAIN!!! I promised Lisa I wouldn't bring it up but, besides being uncomfortable, I once again have 3 days worth of vittles sitting around in the bowels of my bowels. It's like getting weighed with your pockets full of rocks. I got a date with Lady Phillips of Magnesia at bedtime tonight. Nuff said. Poop Fairy's a bitch. Just that last one.
     I went down to the green room for a ride on the Iron Maiden. I was hoping to shake something loose. 30 minutes and an episode of Americas Funniest Videos, Wedding Edition. Then a Bill Maher rant on Utube.

30 minutes with AFV

     So, since nothing was happening in the train station, I had breakfast. Pea Meal Bacon and eggs with avocado, pickle and tomato.

Breakfast

     After a long hot date with my water pic, I was feeling pretty good. Standing naked in the bathroom, I was glad I sprung for the heated tile floor. Not so much the full length mirror! I was honestly not expecting a good result. It was 3 in the afternoon and I hadn't pooped in 56 hours. I still haven't!
     Much to my surprise,

Yay

     
     312.2 lbs or a super slim metric 141.90909090 kilo. That's a loss of 2.6 lbs or 1,181 grams in the last 3 days! I was truly surprised.
      All the experts say only weigh yourself once a week. I think I can understand that. I put a lot of pressure on myself. By the time I weighed myself I was convinced I had put on 5 lbs. I can't realistically expect to lose 4 or 5 lbs a week.... Or can I! I have been on a program where I was weighed twice a month. I would cheat like a bastard the first week, then starve myself for weigh in. With only 3 or 4 days between Weigh Days, I don't have the time to binge and recover. Enough about me. a 
     We had Momma Lee over for dinner tonight with Lisa and I. We were joined by her sons Peter and Steve. Her other son 
 Dr. Dan couldn`t get out of Prince George, but spoke to Momma Lee. We should have skyped!! Momma Lee has been asking for lamb for weeks.
     I have to tell you, I won the lottery when Lisa married me. I know, you're thinking, who knew the fat guy would marry a chef? Tonight she out did herself.

Before

After

     Maybe the best lamb I have ever had. Lisa made a red wine gravy from scratch with the drippings ( unbelievably good )Not on my diet, so I just had a taste. Those little multi colored potatoes in olive oil and herbs from our garden. I didn't have any and I think a little part of me died when I passed them on. I had 3 helpings of  Asparagus and 2 of Squatch enhanced salad. Oh yeah, and lamb.

Momma Lee's Lamb Dinner

      Next Weigh Day is Wednesday. Hopefully my system will have adjusted by then. 
     I can`t tell you how much the support I get from you means to me. Besides the obvious stroke to my already massive ego I get when you let me know I made you laugh. For some reason I feel a responsibility to you, the people reading my blog. That`s a good thing.
Or, maybe I`m an alien overlord and you are all my meat puppets!
Bwahaha.
Till next time 
Peace Out Ya`ll
    


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward