who's a fat bastard- All aboard

May 7, 2014

    Woooooo Woooooo, all aboard! The Fecal Flyer left the station at 8:30 am.The Poop Fairy rode in on a fluffy white kitten. Like the ones in the commercial. Personally I have never tried to wipe myself with a kitten of any colour let alone a white one. I imagine you would only try it once. Talk about shredded meat!
     No, I didn't go to Mc Doggies as threatened. I went old school. 

Yes that's right. Philips Milk of Magnesia. Just like my Mom gave me when I was a kid. It actually could be the same bottle. Does it go bad? Is there an expiry date? I don't remember ever buying it.
     As you may or may not know, today is weigh day. Every Wednesday and Sunday, I will step on the cold glass plate that holds the key to my diet happiness. Will I feel the exhilaration of success, or will I be crushed under the weight of my unrealistic expectations. There is a certain amount of fear here.. I have thrown myself whole heartedly into the program. It's only been 6 days, but I know I will be disappointed if I gained weight.
     I haven't weighed myself yet. I wanted to put down my thoughts before I did. Well, here goes nothing, if you can call a 324.2 lb man nothing.

Weigh Day Breakie

     This was my breakfast with Phillip after weigh day weigh in. Pork loin from last night Crispy Fried in olive oil. An omelet made with ham ,Tillamook extra old chedder and green onion. Served with avocado and tomato. And of course, a cuppa Joe. 
     Watching the news I was saddened to see the passing of Farley Mowat. The Boat That Wouldn't Float was my first read of Canadiana.
      Prince Willy was in the news as well. He flew coach from Memphis to Dallas. It's a freakin commuter plane! There is no business class let alone first class. What are the press on about?
Are they afraid he can't afford the ticket? Is the royal family on the verge of financial dissolution? Or perhaps he just wanted to fly  incognito. 
     So he put on his jeans and lumberjack shirt  ( it will be all the rage in the Lesbian community!),( Oh wait a minute, it already is)
and escorted by 2 black clad, bald headed, not smiling SAS operatives, took his seat in the middle of the first row. I have sat in the middle of the first row, it sucks. You have extra leg room, but no TV in the seat back in front of you.
     Then if you're willing to cough up $12 for a coffee and a sandwich of unknown origin. You now have to wrestle the tray out of the armrest. You pretty much need to be the size of a Garden Gnome to fit behind this thing. I, AM NOT! 
     I don't think Prince Willy would even bother with the tray . He would just say to one of his bodyguards " Be a good chap and pretend that you are a Victorian tea cart old boy. Pip pip and all that rot." It's good to be King .... Prince ain't a half bad gig either.
     So, I'm standing in the bathroom contemplating my date with the scale. It's almost brand new, all glass, shiny, clean and judgemental. 
     It's not like playing golf with S.M., who tells me his score is about a 6. About a 6? What would that be? 5? 7?......9? The scale tells the truth. The scale has no vested interest in my success or failure. The scale is not bitter because I am a better putter than he is. The scale is the stuff you scrape of a fish. The scale is the plant disease that made me kill my Kiwi, Just as it started making fruit!   
     As you can clearly see I'm milking the Weigh Day thing to the bitter end. 
     So there I am. All pink and shiny and well loofah'd right out of the shower. I'm distracted by the fact that in the shower I was out of my Old Spice body wash so I used Lisa's. Now I smell like a ginger snap! It may not have been body wash, it was all gravelly and didn't lather worth a damn, but it sure makes your skin pink.
     Oh yeah, the scale. The one eyed digital monster waiting to rend my Psyche bare. Being careful not to step on my enormous junk, I step one foot onto the blank scale. It springs to life. I recoil in fear and horror as the 000 stares up at me. Steeling my nerves and stepping onto the scale like a man stepping to the noose .......

     I started at 324.6 or 147.54545454 super slim metric weight on May 2. In 6 days I am down to 314.8 or 143.09090909 slinky squatch metric weight! A difference of 9.8 lbs or 4454 gigantic metric grams!
     We had a house full of people tonight so I got at the second half a little late. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. Remember, life is never dull if you're paying attention.
As always
Peace Out Ya'll

  
     
   ©2014 Dave Squatch Ward