May 6, 2014
I don't really know what I'm doing. I mean as to how to keep these blogs in order. Some how, day 3 got ahead of day 4. I was never that good at math, but I can count to 4. My background is now a library scene. I didn't pick it for sure. The last time I was in a library, I was 14 and had a woody for the librarian, also they had National Geographic.... Boobies. Hey, it was the sixties. So, it is going to come out the way it comes out.
Like now for instance, I just had to reboot because my keyboard wouldn't let me do contractions. It kept giving me an e with an accent grav. If I remember my grade school french correctly. All I really remember about french was Mr Passman saying " Ferme la bouche Monsieur Ward " I don't know how many times I got up and closed that window!
Still waiting on the turd train, and tomorrow is weigh day!! Oh Poop Fairy, why have thou forsaken me? By my count I have 3 lbs of meatloaf, 4 slices of ham, 20 chicken wings, 1/2 lb of squid, steak bites, scallops and bacon x3, 1lb of asparagus and 3 bags of salad percolating in me since my last deposit at the porcelain mailbox.
I should set up a pool page. You know, like a baby pool.
It could be " Squatchy's Poop Pool" closest to the time wins a free enema!
I went to Como Lake this morning with my posse, Elvis and Nutmeg
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| Elvis and Nutmeg |
The circuit around the lake is 1 kilometre. We got around 1 1/2 laps when it started to rain . We were past the point of no return. It was as far to go back as it was to keep going forward. We struggled on valiantly through the driving rain for a good 20 feet or so at which point we were under the cover of the trees and Nutmeg refused to go on till the rain stopped. She's such a little bitch! That's when I took this picture.
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| Regatta at Como Lake |
They had some kind of Regatta going on with miniature sail boats. There where a dozen or so guys participating including a guy with a Police Boat. They came close to needing the police.
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| Nerds vs Fishing guy |
Needless to say that didn't go over well with fishing guy. He was seriously outnumbered, not by Nerds, but by retired Nerds. Some of these people have 50, 60 years of pocket protector experience. Many of them rose to the level of middle management.
More importantly they are retired! They know everything about everything and have all day to tell you about it. And they did. One guy was even quoting maritime law. Fishing guy packed up and moved. Huh. What a pussy! He had fish hooks, and a knife! They had toy boats!
I had a visitor today, who told me a very funny story that had happened to her this morning. When I asked if I could tell her story on my blog she said " Okay, but don't use my name". I agreed because I think that what happened to her, has happened to everyone who has had children.
My Daughter was on her way to pick up my Granddaughter Isabella, from school. With her in the car was my 4 year old Grandson Christo. As my Daughter went to make a left turn into the parking lot, she was cut off by a twit who turned the corner while talking on his cell phone. "F&%king Car" she said under her breath.
" F&%king car" she heard from the back seat.
"That's an adult word Christo you shouldn't say that word"
"What word?"He asked. She thought for a moment then said
" F#%king, F#%king is an adult word? "What does it mean?"
he asked.
"It means,..... Oh look it's Bella." Saved by the bell. Little pitchers have big ears.
Isabella goes to school right across the street from my house, so I see them quite a lot. I have a lot of Grand kid bait, trampoline , swings, sand box and the nuclear bomb, chocolate pudding! Today was a special day around here. First watermelon of the year.
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| Christo and Bella |
A word of advice, when you are finished rubbing your pork loin with Slap Yo Momma Louisiana dry rub. Never ever rush to the bathroom to pee without washing your hands first! We're talking Hot Dog!
I feel great. My energy level is way up and I left the house today just brimming with enthusiasm. The sun was shining brightly on my gigantic carcass, warming me to the bone. So of course, I didn't take a jacket as I made my way to Value Village looking for a small shelf to put beside my Mother in laws bed. ( She lives in a care facility a few blocks from our house) Then as it often does in Vancouver, it started to rain. It got a little chilly too. You could cut glass with my nipples through my thin Tshirt. So I bought the only thing in the store that would fit me. I mean, besides the bedding and camping gear.
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| Dave Squatch Ward |
For $7.99 I bought the fleecy seen above. I thought it was better than showing my Mantitties like I was in a wet Tshirt contest. Anyway, when I went to pay it was only $5.00, because it was seniors day. SENIORS DAY!!!!
She didn't even ask if I was a senior. Which, by the way, I am not!
She just gave me the SENIORS discount. As I was about to visit on her the full force of my indignation, my inner Scotsman jumped up and said "Take the discount ya great daft bastard" So I smiled, pulled on my new/old fleecy and immediately started feeling itchy.
I think the thing that bothered me most was the clerk wasn't some pimply face adolescent to whom anyone over 30 may as well be dead. This was a fifty year old woman ,or maybe a 30 year old who has been living rough. Who am I to judge. I don't work for value village! I may have to lose the big white beard and shave my head again.
Speaking of Santa. I just finished shooting Jingle All The Way 2, where I play Santa at a homeless shelter. Very funny scene and available on DVD for Christmas 2014. I'm a shameless hack and I don't care DooDa DooDa. Everybody, sing along!! lol
I think I'm getting OCD about pooping. At 8:30 tomorrow morning it will be 72 hours since I sent a log down the flume. I won't wait much longer. I read that it takes the human body 30 to 40 hours to process food into a DooDoo bomb. If it doesn't happen soon, I'll have to take the most powerful laxitive known to man.
Mc Donalds. That's right Rotten Ronnies. A Big Mac goes through me like wind through a screen door. 30 hours my ass. Mickey D's can do it in 27 minutes!
Still sticking to the program. Feeling good and looking forward to tomorrows weigh day. I'm going through with it, Poop Fairy or not. I won't be discouraged and I won't eat a whole pizza to punish/reward myself.
These things are getting longer every day. I sit down at the keyboard and I think, " I got nothin." next thing I know, An hour or two has disappeared and I'm staring at a screen full of random thoughts and meaningless gestures. Thanks to all who are reading and for the kind words of encouragement. It is truly appreciated.
Till next time
Peace out ya'll
©2014 Dave Squatch Ward
The funniest random thoughts and gestures that I've ever heard ! :)
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