Return of the Fat Bastard - Overpriced hipster crap.

July 30th, 2016

From our bacony at the Red Lion, Jantzen Beach

      I was up at 7 am blogging like a fiend. We were headed down to Portland and I wanted to get yesterdays blog posted before we headed out. The plan was to be on the road by 10. As they say the best laid plans...... Bro Steve arrived just after 9. I was done with  my blog. As the house came to life one person at a time I was already showered, packed and ready to go. I already had 4 cups of Jo in me and a sesame bagel with cream cheese. I continued to drink Jo and wait. That's my life. I wait. Usually I only have to wait for one woman. Not today my friend. We have Joan staying with us. When I got up at 7 Joan was already showered and coiffed and putting on her face. Bro Steve, Dr Dan and I were in Bro Steve's car. The lovely Lisa was driving Papa Dawg and Joan. By the time we were on the road it was 11. Off we went Bro Steve leading the way. The plan was to cross the border at the truck crossing. Bro Steve, on auto pilot, drove past our turn off so Sumas it was. We made good time until we got about 500 meters from the border. We slowed to a stop until we saw the entrance to the Duty Free we whipped in there and Bro Steve bought some Cuban Cigars and we all used the washroom. It let us cut back into the line 10 cars from the border. The Border Guard saw the guitars in the back seat, the trunk was full of luggage. He asked us 3 or 4 times how much we were being paid. We told him 3 or 4 times we were going to Aunt Olinka's birthday party/house warming. I don't think he believed us but sent us on our way.
      I 5 a ribbon of ashphalt that runs in a straight line from Canada to Mexico. But first we had to get to it. It's an extra half hour to get to I 5 from the Sumas crossing not counting the extra half hour it took to get to Sumas. We did that because we thought it would be quicker than the 60 minute wait  that was posted for the Peace Arch crossing. It was academic anyways.After Bro Steve drove past our exit we were commited. We wound our way through the open fields of northern Washington State. Past the fruit stands selling the last of the seasons cherries and the first of the sweet corn all in the shadow of Mount Baker.
      We stopped in Bellingham for gas and Jo before starting south again. Bro Steve and Dr Dan are good travelling companions. They keep the conversation light and moving, very little about politics and none about religion, two topics that are pretty much guaranteed to create conflict. Instaed we talked about music and family and previous trips. The lovely Lisa and I have travelled extensively with Bro Steve, Prague, Burning Man and Napa to name a few but this was only the second trip I have taken with Dr Dan. The first was an Alaska Cruise with 22 other friends and family but Dr Dan had his hands full with his wife and 3 kids. He's a good guy to be stuck in a car with. Smart and with a good sense of humour. It helps the time go by.
      We stopped at a restaraunt just north of Everett for lunch at a fancy looking joint called Ram.

Pre lunch

Post lunch disappointment

It was not my first choice. I wanted to go to Denny's right across the plaza but that suggestion was met with derision by my car mates. Dr Dan likes the upscale kind of places. The last time he picked a restaraunt we ended up at a chowder house in Yaletown that featured $8 beers, $5 cups of coffee and over priced miniature portions of over cooked seafood. Comparitively speaking, this one sucked. On the bright side the beers were only $7 but my $15.95 basic hamburger was a frozen patty a piece of lettuce and a tomato it was accompanied by a Dixie cup of fries. Dr Dan's said his chicken burger had the texture of chicken paste and was as flavourful as a piece of styrofoam! Joans cobb salad was cobbless and the toast on the lovely Lisa's Rueben sandwich was so badly burnt she had to send it back. When the waiter brought it back half the meat was missing. As we were leaving I said to Joan "We should have went to Denny's."  " I love Denny's. Joe and I used to go the one in Bergenfield New Jersey all the time" Joan said.Joe was Joan's first husband now deceased. I would have liked to have met him. He was a guy my size who loved to laugh. But you can't unring a bell. You just suck it up and try to wash the taste of bitterness, and poorly prepared food out of your mouth. Does that sound petty? I have the same problem with the Keg. Really, I think to myself, I just paid $40 dollars for a steak and you charge me $5 for a freakin potato. I just can't enjoy it. All I can taste is my wasted money. The strange part is, even though Papa Dawg picked up the tab it didn't make me feel any better about it. Maybe it's because I'm Scottish or maybe it's just because I expect to get descent food when I'm putting out $20 for lunch. Back in the car we continued south at a good rate of speed until we hit Seattle (Go Seahawks!!!) where everything came to a grinding halt. It took close to half an hour to get through Seattle on the I 5. You can only stare at the Space Needle for so long. It's like a miniature CN Tower.

      Once we were past Seattle and the giant Boeing compound I reminisced about the numerous tours I did in the Ranier Beer plant we were driving past. Half an hour on the tour of the plant then an hour in the tasting room sucking up ice cold Raaiiiiii- neeeer Beeer. The best beer commercials ever. The Beer Hunter! It's been converted to Condos now. When I was doing standup I worked out of Seattle a lot. My friend Jeff Dittebrandt was the producer and he let me live in my van in his driveway when I didn't have a gig. His wife Marilyn, not so keen on it but came around when she discovered how wonderful I am.
      Slowing down again through Tacoma I recalled seeing the Eagles play in the Tacoma Dome about 40 years ago. That sent Bro Steve on a minor tangent. For some reason Bro Steve does not like the Eagles. It's weird because he's such a great guitar player and the Eagles had so many great riffs in their songs. Oh well, Life in the fastlane I suppose. I would have liked to be in the fast lane but on the I 5 through Tacoma there wasn't one. I was happy to put Tacoma in the rear view and continue south towards Olympia, the state capital.
      We pulled into a rest stop about 40 minutes later for a pee break and to stretch our legs. They had a kiosk there where some service group hands out coffee and cookies by donation. I had no Yankee dollars so I just had a drink of water from the water fountain. Also I still had an AM/PM  Jug "O" Jo. 48 ounces for $2. No wonder I needed a pee break! We spent the next couple of hours trying to figure out what the giant mountain we were headed towards was. Mount St Helens? Mount Hood? Mount Shasta? Still a mystery. As we cruised through Vancouver Washington and onto the Interstate bridge we looked down and there was our hotel. Red Lion Jantzen Beach. Thank God it looked like it was a good one. At $175 a night it should be! It's always a risk when you book a place you've never seen on line. We had a bad experience when we booked a hotel in Miami before our cruise for Mama Lee's 65th birthday. The site said and I quote " A beautiful Art Deco Boutique hotel in the heart of South Beach" The room smelled of mildew and the walls in the bathroom were sweating. Since then I've been much more aware of online bullshit!
      This one is a really nice hotel clean and friendly with beautiful grounds and all the amenities. After we checked in Papa Dawg and Joan went to their room to relax and Dr Dan, Bro Steve, the lovely Lisa and I went for a walk around the hotel.

Bro Steve and the Lovely Lisa

The hotel is situated on Hayden Island and besides the Hotel there are several different condo communities around it. Lots of no Trespassing signs and No street access signs and lots of other signs telling you what to do.

The place just reeks of money and snobbery. Hey, that's what you get for $175 a night. When we got back Joan and Papa Dawg had found the bar and were out on the deck enjoying the view.

Enjoying the view.

      Aunt Olinka wasn't feeling well so she blew us off. Kind of pissed me off. When Dr Dan called her she was surprised we were here. The trip has only been in the works for 2 months and it's her birthday. Her brother, Papa Dawg, who she hasn't seen for a number of years flew all the way from New Jersey and then drove down from Vancouver to see her only to be left in the lurch. That sucks. We had contacted her son Rueben who works for Nike and he was going to meet us after 9. He had a previous commitment. We headed into downtown Portland to Mississippi Ave North. It's where all the restaraunts and bars are. The first place we went to was a pretentious little joint called Quantrelle were you could get a half a chicken for $25. I couldn't do it.

Dr Dan, Joan and $20 cheese plate

I know I wouldn't enjoy it. I had coffee. They ordered drinks, a cheese plate, sardines and a piece of cake $137 without the tip!  When Rueben showed up about 9:30 he ordered a beer and said hello all around. His wife is pregnant with their first child and stayed home.
      After they finished their drinks we walked down the street to a Brewery called Stormbreakers where they had a late night menu that was pretty good and reasonably priced.

I had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a bowl of Tomato Bisque for $7. I was finally happy.

The lovely Lisa, Joan, Papa Dawg and I said our goodnights as they were closing down the place. Bro Steve, Dr Dan and Rueben continued enjoying the overpriced hipster crap that Portland has become famous for while we returned to the hotel. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't write, all I could think about was how the lovely Lisa and I would never treat friends like that let alone family. We have given up our own bed when people come by unexpectedly. I finally nodded off about 2:30 am and rolled out of bed at 6:15. It's now 8:49 and I'm the only one awake out of our group. I'm going to finish this posting then I'm going to take the 5 minute walk to the Denny's for a grand slam or maybe biscuits and gravy.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all