Return of the Fat Bastard - Fear not Fair Lisa, Ass man is on the job!

July 4th 2016

      The 4th of July. I'm a Dandy yank my doodle! To all of our American friends and family I'd like to personally thank you for Donald Trump, I mean, I couldn't make this shit up. But if I was a political commentator, which I'm not, I'd be sending him royalty checks! What I find even more amusing to us Canuckleheads is the constant, consistent and predictable overreaction of everybody to everything this guy says. We are drawn to the political drama stateside like moths to a flame! And you know what happens to a moth that gets too close to the flame. PFFFFFTTT. That was my written translation of PFFFFFTTT. Anyway keep up the good work. Canadian politics are not nearly as interesting. Okay our prime minister gave a female member of parliament a purple nurple other than that, it's pretty boring.

Monday morning with the rain coming down

      My name is David Squatch Ward and I'm a procrastinator! It's been 7 days since I  started mowing the lawn. And now it's raining. In places the grass is 10 inches long. It's so wet I'll never get it off the ground! I think I'll go have a pedicure instead. I hope Helen is available, she hurts me so good.
      And just like that, I am not happy. I risked life and limb to go up on the roof, peel off a couple of panels, caulk the eaves trough and now it's leaking! I used to be better with my caulk, kind of a Caulk Master. Now, I should just leave the caulking to younger hands.

The rains coming down and the roof won't hold er

I have to tell you the truth, it rains like this 371 days a year so stop moving here and driving up the real estate prices! You Know Who You Are! This storm is a beauty, the Ratdogs may not come out from under the bed all day. You think it's crowded in China, try getting under a bed with two Ratdogs!
      While I was sitting on the deck watching my recent attempt and handy manning malfunction a song popped into my head and I couldn't shake it. A sure sign I should sing it! It's a Hoyt Axton song and I don't even know if I'm allowed to do this. But as all married men know, It's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission!

      I was out last night at The Rocky Point Brew Pub for the open mic. Had a blast playing with
Bro Steve, Bill Taylor, Devon Rice on Drums and a very talented French guy who told me his name 3 freakin times and I can't for the life of me remember it, lets just call him..... Claude.Wait a minute that's actually his name. Brilliant I am. Like  Buddah says "The answers are already inside you." I don't know if the real Buddah said that or not. It may have been David Carradine on Kung Fu!
      Before I got to make music I was conscripted by the lovely Lisa to help her do her shopping for work at Stupor Store.

Stupor Store

She spends several hundred dollars every Sunday there. I started going because she had a Sunday Stalker. It was serious enough that she went to store management and reported him. By the time they got it together he was gone. It happened a few times. I also mentioned it to our friend Tall Dar who is the manager of our Stupor Store. The lovely Lisa gave her a description and Tall Dar said if it happened again to go right to customer service and point him out.
      From then on I went with her. At first I walked apart from her, checking out every guy who looked her way. More than a couple of them saw me eyeballing them and went the other way. Now I am merely a beast of burden, I'm here for the heavy lifting. The lovely Lisa's personal Ass. I wish she would have called me when it first happened. I haven't kicked anybody's ass in years, but I bet I still remember how!

Fear not Fair Lisa Ass man is on the job!

      I got home and Bro Steve was using some of my gear for recording and was then headed down to The Rocky Point. Had a good time playing with really talented guys. Two originals and a cover of Downchild Blues Band's Flip Flop and Fly. It sounded great on stage but the sound in the room wasn't good. At least not on my camera. I'm bringing my other camera to the Heritage Grill tonight though I just used my usual camera for Boney Fingers and it sounded fine. Maybe I was so bad last night they turned off my mic?! It sounded really good through the monitors.
I got a 2:15 with Helen for a little foot porn. See Ya later Gator!

      So here I am being massaged by my chair with my feet soaking in the tub with blue liquid waiting for Helen to come and do my feet.

My Tootsie's have the Blues

I was just informed that Helen will not be doing my foot porn today. Helen ended up being double-booked and since I'm the the bigger man pretty much everywhere I go.  Also the 90 pound Asian woman who I gave Helen to wouldn't arm wrestle me for her. So I'm allowing Lorna to work on my tender tootsies!

Lorna Toetwister

Lorna did a great job. She poked and scraped and filed and grated my feet like she meant business. Lorna scraped enough callus off of my heels to make a whole new person ! She hurt me, she hurt me bad, even made me bleed a little. Now that's a pedicure! Short-term pain and I can walk around, my feet feeling like a million bucks! Only not as green.
      The lovely Lisa and Michele, now nicknamed The Cellar Troll, both got home just after 6 o'clock. It was Cellar Troll's birthday today. She celebrated her birthday with her daughter and family yesterday. So a card and some scratch and sniffs and we're off the hook for another year. Lisa brought home some kind of fancy dessert that I wasn't even allowed to look at. How is that fair?
      Now I'm sitting in my car out in front of the Heritage Grill close enough that I can poach the Wi-Fi from the street. I'm going to do a hardcore country set tonight. And I'm not talking Brokeback Mountain hardcore. I'm talking I Miss You and Cowboy Eyes.

Dave, Greg and Vic

      Didn't quite work out that way. I played with the full band. Greg on lead guitar, Bill on bass and Ray on drums. These guys are good. 12 bars in they had the groove. I miss you is the toughest one the song was half over before we were all on the same page. I've played the Question with Greg and Bill before So once Ray hit the tempo we were cookin! Greg did a great guitar solo on that one. Then we finished up with the Great Canadian Blues Song. Lots of room to noodle and again Greg was terrific laying down some sweet solos and Ray and Bill were tight on the bottom end and who doesn't like a tight bottom end!
     I hope all our American family had a great fourth of July.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all