Return of the Fat Bastard - Badabadabada That's All Folks

April 14th 2017

For every ending there is a new beginning

      My thoughts these days weigh heavy on my mind. I've come to a point where I have to make decisions I'm not entirely comfortable making. I have to choose between something I love and something I love doing. Only a few years ago I would have had no problem with this. I would have stood up on my back legs and railed against the forces of evil Hell bent on bending me to their will. I would have fought back with all my strength against the false charges leveled against me. But that was then, this is now. Lately I feel old and tired. I don't have much in the way of fight left in me. The last 3 years have been one Hell of an adventure. I've been up and I've been down. I've been ill and I've been well. I've spent many joyous hours making music with my friends and just as much time apologizing and defending myself and/or feeling sorry for myself. The thing about problems is you have only 2 choices. You can work out that problem with the person you have the problem with and if that fails you eliminate the cause of the problem. I'm at the point where I need to eliminate the cause of the problem. 

     On that note I am going to retire the Fat Bastard Blog and reduce my nights out playing music. 

It's creating issues for me at home and I can't live with that. I'm going to focus on getting Santa Wears A Raincoat ready for publication before the Christmas season. The art work is looking great and the pieces are all lining up. I will keep you informed through FB and will soon have my own web page up. Where I will undoubtedly expound on all things Squatch. I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my stuff. Some was good some ....not so much, but all of it was real. Sometimes too real. Some people got their feelings hurt. For that I'm sorry. If you don't want me to comment on your behavior don't be a dick when I'm around. It's not like I set the bar very high. So in closing

Badabadabada That's All Folks

Peace Out Y'all

SQ

Return of the Fat Bastard- I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn

April 12th 2017

      I'm happy to announce that being a whiny petulant self absorbed baby can actually knock off a few pounds. I weighed 313 on Monday when I lost my mind by stepping on the scale. Tuesday morning I clocked in at 308.4

Yes, I know I didn't lose 5 pounds of ugly fat overnight. My head is still attached to my corpulent bloated carcass. Probably the Poop Fairy took an extra large deposit. Or the diuretics I'm taking for my kidney stones that make me pee 20 times a day have finally drained all of my bodily fluids leaving me a dried out husk of a man! Okay a huge husk of a man but a husk non the less. If my theory is correct this short self abusing paragraph has probably knocked half a pound off my fat ass! I need to stay on my diet and get active again.
      To that end I woke yesterday morning to the first sunshine I've seen in what seems like months. I looked out into the yard when I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn and I swear that I could see the grass growing. Three times I have put my almost empty jerry can into the Rav 4 and three times I haven't put any gas into it. Instead I drove around for a day or so till the fumes from the can made me nauseous. Instead of filling it, I took it out empty and put it back in the yard near the lawn mower so I wouldn't forget to fill it. 3 times I've done that and still have no gas. Besides the weather was way too nice to mow the lawn.
      I phoned Duffy and Mr Peacock to see if a round of golf was in their imminent future. Duffy yes, Mr Peacock, not available. I arranged to meet Duffy, who is on 2 weeks of R&R, at Central Park Pitch and Putt at 11:45. I pulled into the parking lot just as my phone rang. It was Duffy. The course wasn't open. I looked through the windshield and could see Duffy walking towards me talking on the phone. He was 50 feet away! I don't think the phone was necessary. We hemmed and hawed for a few minutes. Drive across town to Kensington Park to play golf or hit Rivers Reach for lunch?  Golf it is! I followed Duffy on a circuitous route across the entire width of Burnaby. His shiny gold Accura an easy beacon to follow for me and any Pimps along the route!

Kensington Park Pitch and Putt

      The best deal in golf. $9.75 for 18 holes of Pitch and Putt. Duffy is 4 months from his 65th birthday and tried to get the dedicated employee of the City of Burnaby to give him the Seniors price that is $3 cheaper. No way Jose! The sun was shining, the course was mostly dry and we walked onto the course with no one in front of or behind us. I won the first 2 holes then Duffy beat me like a drum for the next 5 holes.

Duffy not quite 65

      We were rolling along at a good clip. Duffy was dropping shots onto the green like he knew what he was doing. I was playing like I'd never seen a golf ball before! How do you take a 7 on a 55 yard hole?! We had caught up to the group in front of us. A single who was waiting on every tee box for the threesome in front of him. On the 8th hole they let him play through. We sat on the bench in the sunshine crucifying the Canuck management and calling for Tiger Williams to replace Don Cherry on Hockey Night in Canada.
      A tiny old man snuck up behind us so we invited him to join us. Joseph was a 76 year old Irishman who was a golf nut. We talked about the Masters Tournament on the weekend and then settled in to solving the worlds problems. Joseph was quite a good golfer. He wasn't part of our skins game. Good thing because he was killing us.

Joseph and Duffy on the Tee Box

      A beautiful 2 hours spent with good company on a beautiful day. We had planned to go for a bite to eat but I was feeling guilty about not mowing the lawn so I begged off and headed for home. I stopped at Rona for a new rake. The last several wind storms combined with the Crows and Raccoons tearing up the lawn to get to the Chafer Beetle larvae have left the lawn looking like a neighbourhood in Aleppo. I tried to clean it up last week.  That's when I broke my rake. Not much I can do with a 2 foot handle on my rake. Sure, that's why I didn't rake .
     The Rona guy had no idea what I was talking about. "I need a new handle for my rake" I said. He stared at me like I had asked to bone his Mother! Then he spoke and it all made sense. His accent was incomprehensible. I nodded smiled and walked away. I walked around the store looking for a pole that would fit my rake head. 5 minutes later I asked another clerk and she sent me out into the yard. No handles. They did have 10 different rakes all different prices none in the right places. I picked a heavy duty steel rake that I thought was $19.99. I was wrong. It was $34.99. Now I'm standing at the counter wondering if I should buy this Caddilac of rakes or take it back and get a Lada! I handed her my VISA and payed the bill. Now armed with my shiny new rake and with a yard full of pine needles, cones, twigs and branches I dropped my shiny new rake on the lawn and went in and watched the BlueJays game. So much for raking. I didn't want to miss the Blue Jays losing yet another game. Edwin, Oh Edwin, why have thou forsaken us? By then it was too late to rake.

Michelle with One L

      The lovely Lisa and Michelle with One L were back from their Cypress Mountain ski trip. They went on and on about how beautiful a day it had been.

Breathtaking views of the city and for the first time all year they could see the Lions.

The Lions from Cypress Mountain

They've been in cloud or white out conditions the dozen or so times the lovely Lisa has been up there. She got her moneys worth out of her pass this year for sure. Cypress is done on the weekend. Monday is the last day. While they alternated between "what a fantastic day" and "my whole body is sore" I went off to make dinner. I had pulled a couple of Rib Steaks from the freezer in the morning and sat them out to temper. Always let your meat come to room temperature before you put it on the grill. It will be way more tender. While the BBQ was heating up I threw together a salad, peeled and boiled a couple of potatoes and prepped the gravy mix and the asparagus for steaming. We sat and had a nice dinner and then I got ready to go to Judge  Begbies for open mic. It was very slow when I got there. Gregg Gorrie was up and playing, he runs the open Mic. There was one other singer songwriter as well as Maureen on the Cajon, a girl with a flute and Klaus on Blues Harp. I had them all play with me over the course of my 7 song set. The girl with the flute, who's name I can't remember, did an excellent job on Paris my song about the Paris Terrorist Attack. It got busier a little later and by the time I left the Tavern Jayne the drummer was up playing his 12 string and singing and there were a couple more players on deck. I did a little shop at Stuperstore and was home and in front of the TV before 11. Helping Christian put up the TV brackets at their new house in the morning.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Here we go again!

April 10th 2017

      I am so upset with myself. I went to put on my favourite shirt and I was stuffed in it like 10 pounds of sausage in a 6 pound skin! I haven't gone near the scales in months and now I  know why. I think that subliminally I new I wasn't flying straight. Way too many carbs and calories. My stress relief has always been ice cream. I think I'll call the 30 pound creature I've grown above my belt line Baskin Robbins!
      Before I left the house I stripped down to my God given talents and avoiding the mirror on the back of the door I stepped towards the scale with the enthusiasm  a condemned man has as he walks towards the Hangmans noose. I reached out with my big toe to start the scale. It shot up to 15.6 pounds before it reset to 0.00. I was thinking if my big toe ways 15.6 pounds I must weigh a ton! Filling my head and lungs with air and taking into account the 4 pounds of hair on my head  I stepped onto the scale. The blue LED numbers spun madly past like some kind of Demonic Wheel of Fortune or Satan's Roulette. It finally came to rest on 313.0. OMG!! I thought I heard the scale screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO!! Turns out it was just me!
      I don't know if I'm angry or ashamed. I did this to myself. I've gotten really good at making excuses. It's true I've had a tough year health wise. Between the heart surgery and the multiple infections I have let the comfort food thing get out of hand. I just haven't been looking after myself the way I need to. So doing the math I have put back 43 of the 55 pounds it took me a year to lose. On the bright side it actually took me 23 months to pack on that 43 pounds. So....here we go again.
      I'm in a different situation than I was 2 years ago. For one thing Michelle with one L now lives in the green room, my former workout space. Tamara and Chris also have a year old baby that needs her naps or the entire house gets to enjoy the late night song stylings of Baby K. All at a decibel level that could shatter glass. Take my word for it. A 313 pound man flopping around like a tuna on a dock above your head makes a lot of noise. That has been another of the excuses I've been using to justify my fat lazy land slug lifestyle. I have to start back on my exercise program and right away. I might try the gym again. Today, the dentist.
      Not for me, for Mama Lee. Since she moved into the care facility she has been seeing the mobile dentist 4 times a year. Every visit comes with a bill of several hundred dollars after the insurance pays their share. I guess that's why they show up in the giant Mercedes Benz dental van. So I took Mama Lee to my dentist. Mama Lee's old dental work is excellent the newer stuff, not so much. As long as I have known Mama Lee she has been fanatical about her teeth. I think it's another example of seniors being exploited by the people who are supposed to taking care of their needs. Mama Lee won't be seeing them any more.My dentist was very patient with Mama Lee and we came up with a plan to take care of a few small problems. Mama Lee likes her too.
      The lovely Lisa was supposed to go skiing with Michelle with one L but Michelle with one L was called into work so the lovely Lisa went by herself. She has a pass and the hill closes on the weekend so she wants to get in as many days this week as possible. The mountain was empty. She headed up to the Double Black Diamond Top Gun run. She's been skiing since she was 5 years old. Michelle with one L and her are going up again tomorrow for sure. I'm hoping to get in a round of Pitch and Putt with Captain Peacock and Duffy at Kensington Park.
      I got home about 2 pm, replaced the E string on my Electric guitar, I broke it yesterday at the Ivanhoe on a particularly robust version of Love Monkey Blues, then made a grill cheese sandwich. A word of advice, don't use Pumpernickel bread. To start with it's brown! you can't tell when it's burnt until you smell it. I scraped off the burn and ate it any way. I took the Ratdogs to the park and then to visit with Mama Lee. On my way home I got text from the lovely Lisa she was on her way home from Cypress and was going to stop and see Mama Lee. By the time the lovely Lisa was home it was time for me to head over to the Heritage Grill for Open Mic. I hung out for a little too long and by the time I got to the grill I was 9th in line. By the time I got on stage there was no one left but my friends. I had Dale on Bass, Gregg on lead guitar and the talented cross dressing Jane on the drums. This was the third time in a week that Jane has played drums for me. All the players on stage had played Love Monkey with me before and we did a real tight rendition tonight if I don't say so myself. Then we played Walls Around Your Heart a little more complicated but a testament to the talents of these guys. They followed beautifully and Gregg did a real tasty solo on guitar. We finished our set with the Colonoscopy song. I've finally finished writing it. I made the last changes yesterday. Not big ones but a single word can change the story dramatically. I have an issue when I need to have the words in front of me. I can sing and play guitar, no problem. I can play the guitar and read the words. Again, no problem. I can read the words and sing as well. What I don't seem to be able to do is read the words, play the guitar, and sing. I end up not being able to do any of those things! That's what happened tonight. I had the first two verses down cold but the third verse was eluding me. I looked at my song sheet couldn't find the third verse starting playing the wrong chords and singing the wrong words in the wrong key. I got it back pretty quick by repeating the second verse and part of the third. Evidentley I am only capable of Bilateral function. Any more and I'm screwed! Here's a copy of the song I made for my proctologist Dr Goodwin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1LQZ3NntUQ

      I hung around just long enough to hear Jane's acoustic set. He did a couple of original humorus songs on a sweet sounding 12 string resplendent in a semi-transparent chiffon thingy over tights and a pair of black fuck me pumps with a 4" heel. His feet must have been killing him!
      The lovely Lisa was in bed half asleep when I got home just before 11 pm. I finished writing this and am now going to bed. Lamo in the picture department today. That's okay folks. Move along! Nothing to see here!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Wedded Bliss

     April 8th 2017

Cypress Mountain

      I couldn't be happier for Sharon and Thomas who today were joined in Holy Matrimony. They have been together off and on for the better part of 20 years. They made it official today in a small ceremony in the lounge on the 11th floor of Dunwood Place in New Westminster where Sharon lives. The views, even with the cloudy weather, were spectacular. I should have taken a picture. Try to envision the gentle slopes of New West rolling down to the mighty Fraser River. The landscape dotted with familiar landmarks. McDonalds, Grocery Stores and Gas Stations on every other corner. Well lit Oasis waiting to quench what ever thirst afflicts you.
      I'm off on this description binge because I still don't know how I feel about it. Sharon was my first love. My high school Sweetheart. Like a lot of first loves it didn't work out for us. Largely due to my immaturity and drug use. My actions made Sharons life expotentialy more difficult. She got smart around 1980 and took Jennifer and left. I was so fucked up I barely noticed. She made some questionable decisions in her life with me being the first and possibly the worst of those decisions. It's probably out of selfishness that I'm so happy for them. It eases the guilt I feel over the grief I've caused her.
      So when she was led down the aisle by our Grandkids and Jennifer with a smile on her face that lit up the room I felt a sense of relief that she was truly happy. Christian was Thomas's best man and Jennifer was Sharon's Maid of Honor. Christopher was the ring bearer and Isabella was the Flower Girl. Again, I should have taken a picture.
      It was a Civil Ceremony officiated by a Justice of the Peace so I didn't have to worry about bursting into flames! That comes in August when Jen and Christian renew their vows in a Catholic Church. They have powerful mumbo jumbo ju ju. I'll have to remember to wear a necklace of garlic.
     The ceremony took about 15 minutes and a few more for the signing of the papers.

Sharon and Thomas

And then it was done. They were Mr and Mrs Saunders.

Sharon and Thomas Saunders

      She briefly considered hyphenating her name but McDonald-Ward-Carpenter-Saunders wouldn't fit on the back of her Canucks Jersey.

      I'm writing this on my phone while sitting at the bar at the Ivanhoe. I haven't been in a dive like this since the last time I was at the Quinny in Cambell River! That was 30 years ago. That's not a comment on the quality of people just on the quality of janitorial work and maintenance.

For some reason my phone has decided to center everything. Maybe I can correct it on the computer later. Where was I? Oh yeah, there were nibbles to hold us till dinner was served at 4:30 the music was lame so I got GMcT's guitar from his suite and played until dinner. Roast beef dinner with all the trimmings and the amazing cake that the lovely Lisa created.

Thomas , Sharon and The Cake

Michelle with two L's and the lovely Lisa

After dinner and the dances it was time to go. The lovely Lisa and Bro Steve had tickets to Brian Wilson at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. We said our goodbyes and congratulations again and running late Lisa Andretti had us home in record time. She got into her Rock Chick outfit, tight jeans leather boots and jacket and a vintage tshirt. She was looking hot. Should have taken a picture. Again!

      After she headed off to meet Bro Steve I went to the Brownsville Pub. I have to say it's diveyness pales in comparison to the Ivanhoe what it lacks in general diveyness it makes up for in cranky Bartenderness. Yes I'm aware that I'm making up words yet strangely you all knew what they meant. When I walked into the Pub they were just setting up. Not the best sound I've come across but not the worst either. They started off way loud which sent the already cranky Bartender into a spewing volcano of four letter expletives that I believe made me blush, not to mention the physical impossibility of the acts she suggested should be done with that fucking guitar! 

      I was up early and as I introduced myself to the rest of the guys I was playing with I realised that I knew the drummer and the bass player from 25 years ago when I was hanging with Mike Locken and these guys rented a warehouse for a jam space. Man we had some parties there. I had Kelly, a guy I know from other jams, play lead guitar. All I can say is it lived up to it's name, we were jamming! Sometimes we were all in the same key! I had fun. The audience was appreciative. Then I went home in time for the lovely Lisa to get home from the concert.
      Sunday morning brought the invasion from Maple Ridge. Jen, Christian and Grandkids rolled in late enough that I had pants on and the Raptors game on th tube. Bella made a beeline for the couch and a fur blanket named Nutmeg. Christopher was in the spare room watching Spiderman. Jen was saying something about work but it was the third quarter of a tight game and neither Christian nor I heard a word she was saying.

Gramma Lisa Go Pro Ski Bunny

Gramma Lisa was loading the ski gear into the car for Bella's last day of skiing for the season. Christopher didn't want to go. He wanted to spend time with Jen because her new show is keeping her hugely busy. Besides he was told no more bunny hill! Double Black Diamonds only! I think maybe Bella made it sound like certain death for a green rookie like Christopher. Anyway they were meeting Bro Steve and a couple of friends on the mountain.

Bella and Bro Steve

The snow and the scenery was amazing. The Lovely Lisa said it was the best day of season. Fresh powder and clear skies. Bella said she was going to be on the Olympic Ski Team.....the Mexican Olympic Ski Team!

Olympic Dreams

      I went over to Mama Lee's after lunch. Had a visit then played guitar and sang for an hour. I did a little sing along with them for the first time at the end of my set. Good fun and left feeling good. Take that Ski Bunnies!
      While they were up recreating I was sitting at the bar at the Ivanhoe.

They do a great jam there. Good players and good sound. Leaning towards the Country side of things with the occasional side of Heavy Metal. Dave keeps things moving and on my set joined in on the harmonica while his wife Anne sang back up for me. Kelly sat in on lead guitar and it went much smoother than at the Brownsville pub. I always do the same 3 songs the first time I do a new room. So Brownsville and the Hoe back to back Kelly was right on time and rockin. Jane was on drums. She is a 6'2" 280 lb cross dresser with long auburn hair and a flowered brown smock that was quite flattering. I played with him last week at the Heritage Grill and he can drum. Great tempo and solid. It doesn't matter what your personal choices are a player is a player. Music unites us all.
      I'm headed out the door to take Mama Lee to an appointment with my dentist. They have a service that comes to her Care facility but it seems they are trying to pay for the fancy Mercedes-Benz van by mining the bank accounts of the residents. Pulling teeth and selling bridges and caps to 90 year olds. I just want my dentist to check her out.  It took me 3 days and I wrote this whole thing on my phone.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - It's good to set the bar real low.

March 26th 2017

The View from Cypress Mountain March 24th 2017

      I'm sitting at the bar in the Press Box lounge at the Atrium Inn in Vancouver. Right at the corner of Hastings and Renfrew. The Canucks are losing to the Winnipeg Jets with 5 minutes left in the third period. Waiting for the Jam to start and having a beer to keep the kidney stones moving. Yesterday was Bill Taylor and Basil Chokie's birthday bash at Simply Delicious a Japanese/fusion joint on Main Street with no parking. After 20 minutes of circling the block I convinced the lovely Lisa, obeyer of all signs, to park in the big empty lot behind the big empty building. The building was empty because the businesses that live there were not open at 8:30 at night. It was a good party. Bill was slightly looped and he left the orginization of the music to 40 musicians. Everyone thinks they'reup next, even while they're on stage playing. It was a little disjointed until Basil rode in on his white stallion to save the day.....sort of. I was cool with it because I got to play. I played with Bro Steve, Pam and Leon, Daryl and Bill Taylor. Three songs, a couple of covers and Love Monkey Blues dedicated to Bill who at 66 is still chasing skirt.  A great guy who goes the extra mile for his friends.

Bill and I

Birthday Boys Bill and Basil

With Bro Steve and Bill

 Basil talks funny. He's from South Africa. Nuff said! He does however sing beautifully. I've never seen him not smiling. There were some people who were there and never got to play. I hope they realize that it was about Bill and Basil not about the rest of us. I for one had a great time both playing and listening to all the talented players. The problem when you have 30 guitar players and 4 at a time on stage everyone's amp is set to 11. The guitars were loud! I think it's because most of the players have been playing Rock n Roll for 50 years and are as a group deaf as posts! Big fun and again happy birthday Bill and Basil.
      That wasn't the only Birthday this week. Everyone was working so I took him and Bella to Jumpin Jacs in PoCo. With the laser tag, trampoline, bumper cars and some pizza it was a C Note for an afternoon of non stop scream running.

     

Are you having a Happy Birthday Christopher? You should tell your face!

      It is spring break and Gramma Lisa was able to get the Grandkids up to Cypress a couple of times. Bell ski's with Gramma Lisa while Christopher has a 3 hour lesson. After his lesson he did a couple of runs on the bunny hill. He's doing great. Bella has it down, no problemo! As she says "I'm a natural!" It's neat to see them interact. Talk about sibling rivalry. He's a crazy Canuck. His instructor had to tell him "No straightlining" He likes to go fast. Not what I expected from him. He is doing amazing and soon I think he'll be beating Bella down the hill. The lovely Lisa and Bro Steve got up once as well.

The lovely Lisa Ski Bunny

Bro Steve Mountain Postman!

They ski the tough runs at the top of the mountain. Through the trees and scary steep terrain. The videos they take make me wish I had learned to ski. I sat at home did house work and played guitar.

      What else did I do for fun? Oh yeah, I had another colonoscopy. It's a shame I do some of my funniest material with my naked ass in the air and 3 feet of probe checkin out my insides. I sent Dr Goodwin a copy of the Colonoscopy Song and he thought it was hilarious. He passed it around to the other proctologists. I'm a big hit with the rubber glove crowd. I did a little rewrite and now mention the Doctor and the Nurse in the song. He asked me to send him the new version but I can`t find his email address. I thought my computer would remember it but I can`t find it. I have to call him Monday morning any way to book anal probing number 3 in 2 months time. In spite of what the song says I remember the whole thing. I think? They said I was on the table for over an hour. It didn't seem that long. Maybe I had a little snooze in the middle. He took out 6 more polyps and figures I'll need 2 more probings to clean them all out. There was a moment that I'm not sure of I could have swore that I heard him say "Oh Oh" not what you want to hear from the man with a fire hose shoved up your hoop! I may have just dreamed/hallucinated that part. It's pretty cool seeing your insides on TV even if it is your colon! I saw my heart when I had some stents put in before they replumbed me. That was pretty cool too.

      Chef Boy R Lisa is on her final week of Once upon a Time for this season so she is working all five days. It's been a long time since she's worked more than 3 days a week so this will be a real challenge. She just left for work at 12:15 am. By Friday they will be serving lunch at 2:00 am Saturday morning. She says she might do a little work before our trip to New Jersey in June for
Pappa Dawgs 80th birthday. Looking forward to seeing all the family on the East Coast. Including Squidly and Laura who now both have homes in Manhatten so I smell a Big Apple adventure in our future.
      Jen and Christian take possession of their new home on Thursday. On the one hand the Grandkids are finishing up the school year at Mundy Road which is right across the street from our house so they'll probably stay here quite a bit until then. On the other hand when the school year is done they will be living out in Maple Ridge and we won't see them nearly as often. Life and a large mortgage have a way of getting in the way. I am so happy for them. It's what they have always wanted.
      I didn't have to wait at the bar too long. I was writing this and working on my second beer when I heard my name being called from the stage. No heads up no nothing! I grabbed my guitar and headed for the stage.

Really liking this 

      I'm playing my hollow body electric these days as my Tak has an electrics issue that is proving difficult to solve because of it's age. That's okay. It makes me play my new one. I spent the first 5 minutes on stage trying to tune my guitar. I was getting frustrated when I realized that I had a pick stuck in the strings at the top of the fret board. I have only played here once before so it's good to set the bar real low. If you can't tune your guitar they won't be expecting Jimi Hendrix! I was joined on stage by 3 people I don't know and Claude on bass who I do know. I still don't know their names but they were all excellent musicians. Can't You See, House of the Rising Sun and Love Monkey and people were up dancing to Love Monkey. After my set I thanked the other musicians I played with, trolled for compliments while I finished my beer and was home by 9:30 and finishing this between Poker Tournaments on line. Played 3 won 2.  

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard- Politics Schmallitics

March 11th 2017

      Hello again. It's been 6 weeks since I sat behind the keyboard and brought my thoughts into the real world. To quote myself from one of my songs "A thought that's left unspoken is never proven true." I have not been writing because I have been in a constant state of physical, mental and emotional flux. At least that is how I have justified the stagnation in my creative process to myself! The biggest lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. I haven't actually been devoid of ideas or thoughts worthy of putting into print, it's just that they have been particularly dark and upsetting.
      I haven't been writing about my physical issues because nobody likes a whiner. It's the strangest thing . It's like I turned 60 and all of a sudden I'm past my best before date or BBD!  "Sorry Mr Ward, it appears that your colon has expired. We'll just go in and take a look around" " Sorry Mr Ward, it seems your prostate is swollen. We'll just go in and take a look around." Really? They can scan your ass with your clothes on at the Airport but they have to "go inside" and take a look around at the Hospital? Was there a need to do this? Or was it just because of my age? I wasn't having any issues I was aware of. The worst part was the waiting. I got a letter telling me there was an issue with my sample and they would call and let me know about the follow up. They took 9 weeks to call and arrange an appointment for my probing, 5 weeks later. Here's the thing about the internet. You can find anything you want on line. Pictures of diseased colons, cancer filled bladders, porn, anything you want. I did not do so well with the stress of waiting. My fertile imagination had me shitting in a bag and the lovely Lisa giving me sponge baths for the rest of my life. Okay I like the sponge bath part.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_rW2joNoyI

      I had my Colonoscopy on the Wednesday and my Weenieoscopy on the Friday. Nothing like staying busy! My urologist went in after applying a numbing gel to my little big man and two minutes later got down to it (not fun) When he was done he asked me how much coffee I drank. I thought really? 5 minutes with my junk and your hitting on me! Turns out caffeine can cause the prostate to enlarge. When I told him I drank 10 or 12 cups a day he said "STOP IT!" So I'm down to two or three cups now. Other than that everything looks good. Sometimes when I'm bored I think I can feel my prostate shrinking. Could just be me! And if it is shrinking it's the only part of me that is!
      My Proctologist on the other hand was a regular Chatty Cathy. On the plus side I was so heavily sedated I can't remember what we were talking about. I spent over an hour with my ass in the air and my insides on the monitor in 50 inches of high def color! It was pink and healthy but with more stalactites than the Bat Cave! He removed 3 of the biggest ones and said that was enough for today and I would need two or three more probings to remove the rest of the polyps. Yay! He said to call next week and arrange a date for my next probing. Before I could call, they called me. The biopsy on my butt polyps was in and the Dr needed to see me in his office. " Okay when can he see me?" "A week Thursday" It was Monday. 11 days to worry about possible butt rot! Of course they wouldn't tell me anything on the phone. I tried googling "What's up with my ass" I wouldn't recommend this unless you actually want to see what people put up their ass! This is my biggest fear about my anal probing. What if I start to like it? What if I find myself cruising the aisles at London Drugs looking for the Home Colonoscopy Kit? Sheeesh, something else to worry about!
      Between the caffeine withdrawal and the waiting the lovely Lisa has been a Saint as I was a tad on the cranky side. After a week or so I found myself feeling less anxious than I was when I was banging back the Java. There was nothing wrong. I can only assume he had me come out to his office in Langley so he could bill Medical Services for a visit. Two seconds of "You're all good" on the phone is not a money maker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ_B8Gq8dak

      Then I got the Flu. Fever of 101 for 2 days. The lovely lisa was freaking because of my heart issues and we were in constant contact with Dr Dan, or at least the lovely Lisa was. I was miserable and cantankerous. I love that word. When I'm sick, I just want to be left alone. When I'm sick the lovely Lisa turns into Florence Nightingmare. She took my temperature so many times the battery died in the thermometer and I built up a callous under my tongue! At one point I told her where she could stick the damn thing and she threatened to actually do it! With my newly roto rootered access I considered it! The lovely Lisa made me soup. She makes the best soup ever. I lived on her chicken soup for 4 days. The flu hangover lasted for the better part of 2 weeks. Sore throat and a harsh sounding cough.
       Another sign that I'm past my BBD. I reached down to pick up my guitar and tore my rotator cuff. Again! It's not the first time but this time it was different. I couldn't even hold my guitar let alone play it. I tore it the first time playing tennis in Lo Manzanilla Mexico with the then lovely Girlfriend Lisa on our 6 week preproposal Mexican camping trip. I figured any woman who could live in a tent with me for 6 weeks is a keeper. But that's another story. My hand and forearm started swelling up overnight and I ended up in emergency for 5 hours. Of course the lovely Lisa was with me keeping my spirits up. I hate that! I was in pain and looking to make someone pay for it. They did an xray gave me T3's that made me puke and sent me home with a requesition for a specialized scan that had none of the correct information on it. It took 3 days of phone calls and two visits to the scanning department at the Royal Columbian hospital and twice to Medi Ray who had no idea what I was talking about. It was finally straightened out after my second trip to Royal Columbian. I get my scan on May the fourth be with you. Sorry, I couldn't help it. At this writing my shoulder feels better than it has in years.
      I have been having the Grandkids for Papa Squatch Dayscare quite often. They are here for an hour in the morning and a couple of hours after school. I have to take advantage of this opportunity to spend time with them while they're still here. Jen and Christian bought a house in Maple Ridge and Bella and Christopher won't be going to school across the street anymore. They move at the end of March. I think that has been harder for me emotionally then any of the health issues. I guess I thought that with the housing market the way it is things would stay the same. Soon it will be just family events and occasional visits if they're in the hood. I know. I'm being selfish. The truth is I couldn't be prouder of Jen and Christian. Jen is a Rock Star in the film business and Christian is making good dough as a painter. In today's market, what they have done is impressive. I've just been around long enough to know how this story ends. See what I mean whiny bullshit stuff.
      I filmed a couple of days on the new Predator movie and spent a lot of time working on my music and on my childrens book When Santa's in Vancouver. I'm working with a very talented artist and we should have it done and available by September. I'm working on my music and playing every day. I'm saddened by the condition of my Takamine guitar. It's 40 years old and the electrics are falling apart. I've taken it to 2 shops and both said no parts are available. It still sounds great and for now the electrics are still working. At some point I'll need to replace it but I have 6 guitars now. The lovely Lisa won't be keen on me getting another. On the upside I'm playing my hollow body electric a lot more.
      Lastly, and this is the part where I'm sure I am going to lose some of you. Let me present you with a scenario that is becoming all too familiar.
      A politician is giving a speech to a group of supporters. A group with a different point of view shows up and proceeds to shout down the speaker, physically intimidate and assault anyone who objects, then sets fires and destroys property in the name of freedom of speech. Where did this happen? 1933 Germany or 2017 U Cal Berkley the home of free speech? The truth is it happened in both places. I see protesters carrying signs calling Trump a Fascist while their actions are right out of the Nazi playbook. I hear the rhetoric being spewed by Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Elizabeth Warren and it makes me ashamed to be a liberal. I would never have voted for Trump but that doesn't change the fact that the hate and vitriol is all coming from the left. It is embarrassing. I think Trump is caricature of a President, but the crap they're throwing out there is absurd. I'm not impressed with what he's doing, but to compare him to a dictator whose government policy exterminated millions of people is beyond dishonest. I can't watch it anymore and thankfully as a Canadian I don't have to live under the American President. I get to live under our Prime Minister who is still on his give away money we don't have to people who hate us tour. But, his hair looks great. I guess my point is that before you start calling people those kind of names you should read a history book. Before you start calling people Fascists you should stop acting like Fascists. The reason that Trump will fail is not because of his boorish behaviour but because of the life long politicians who occupy Washington DC. The status Quo works just fine for them. $100 grand per, free health care for life and whatever you can skim off the top of your campaign contributions. The campaign and fundraising of course starts the moment you are sworn in. Like it or not trump was elected because he had a message that resonated with the people most affected by the global economy. The middle class. Those people in Michigan, or Wisconsin who used to make $20 an hour making auto parts and now, if they have a job, are making half of that at a McDonalds or a Walmart. While Trump was talking about jobs and business, Hillary was talking about women's rights and who gets to use which bathroom. She was an absolutely horrible candidate which didn't help either. They also seemed to be unaware that they had lost so many seats in all the houses and at every level of government that in most of the middle of the country they were irrelevant, yet kept saying everything's good. Bad Campaign, Bad Candidate = Bad Result. 
      But an even worse result of the election of Donald Trump is the total meltdown on the left. They look like petulant losers. They have the much heralded Woman's March but refused to let pro life women who don't agree with their abortion on demand platform participate. The tactics of abuse and intimidation at the Colleges and Universities across the country when confronted with an opposing opinion is terrifying. Once the hot bad of new ideas and well thought out differing views they have now become indoctrination programs for the progressive agenda. Offer a differing opinion than your Professor and you fail. I don't think that is how it is supposed to work. We on the left have to stop this name calling and whining and get out and convince all those people in the middle of the country that we have a better plan than wide open borders and minimum wage jobs for everyone. Wake up Democrats. Stop playing to the far left base. You're crap is driving moderates and independents straight into the arms of Trumplestiltskin.
      I have always been a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. I believe that we all have the right to live the way we choose as long as we don't infringe on the rights of others to do the same. I do not believe that everyone else has an obligation to support you while you do it. If no one buys the songs you write should the government pay you so you can do what you love or should you go get a job like 99.9% of all musicians, artists, actors and other creative people have had to do since the beginning of time. Even in Cave man days, sure it was fun to have Grog the Hunchbacked Comic around the campfire on the hunt, but in the dead of winter when food is scarce, who do you think they eat first?! "Ughh, Grog taste funny"
      I believe that everyone has the right to worship as they so choose to whichever made up Diety they so choose. They do not however have the right to be offended by some one else's choice of made up Diety. Why should Christmas be offensive to non believers? or Ramadan? or Hannuka or even those crazy Budhists with their yoga and Yoggi's their overpowering incense and Gumby like poses that I will never do! The most important part of freedom of religion is that we are free to not have any religion at all. I'm an old Hippie. I believe that God lives inside each and everyone of us. Call it your soul or your conscience. It's the voice in your head and the feeling in your gut when you are about to do something wrong. I've had that feeling many times and to be honest, for a large part of my life I became very adept at ignoring that voice. After having a stroke at the age of 30 I started to listen to that voice all the time. The improvements in my life have been immeasurable.
      You can't legislate morality. The only thing any of us have any control over is what we choose to do with our personal beings.  You can force people to do what you want them to by intimidation or coercion but that only breeds contempt and animosity. Each and everyone of us has to decide what's best for us. Then make it happen. All the protests in the world will not stop Trump from being the President. Time would be better spent trying to convince your neighbours and friends through logic and real time solutions that we have a better way. Not through hateful rants and outrageous prognostications.
      The last thing I want to touch on is the whole Russia/Obama Bugged me thing. What a Red Herring and the Haters ate it up like cheese cake on both sides of the political spectrum. Now we get the never ending he said, she said!  He talked to the Russian Ambassador! He bugged the German Chancellor! He's banning ALL Muslims! He wire tapped right leaning reporters! His Dad screwed an Orangutan! and so on and so forth. Even though I agree with a lot of his economic platforms. I strongly disagree with him as a human being. As for health care, it seems to me that with 325 million people a government single payer system would work pretty good. At a $15 a month premium per person that would be almost 4.875 billion dollars a month. It seems like a no brainer. I think most people in Canada buy extended health from private insurers so they have dental coverage and things like physio. It's not perfect. The waits can be long, especially to see specialists. The government dictates how many patients they can see so a lot of specialists work part time. Even the walk in clinics are often closed by noon because they have reached their quota. Sad but true. You will however probably not die in the waiting room. You'll die at home after being released while still ill due to a shortage of beds. Jeez that sounded snarky!
      As for immigration. We're all from somewhere else. I'm an immigrant myself. Born in Glasgow Scotland I came here on a steam ship in 1958. My earliest memories were of a three story walk up in Toronto's West End. Mom and Dad and four kids in three rooms. No help from the government.  No Government health care. It wasn't in effect until 1966. Immigration is an important part of our culture and our heritage. I do believe we need to know who it is that is coming here. I don't understand why, when we see Iranian TV showing 100 thousand people in the streets chanting "Death to America Death to Isreal" I should want any of these people in my country. Ask Germany or France how that has worked out for them? Even Sweden with it's ultra form of socialism is overwhelmed. Nearly bankrupt and a large portion of it's female population living in fear. What makes people think that bringing people in from countries that treat women as chatel to one of the most egalitarian places on earth is going to work. Let's not make the same mistakes. We need to bring people into the country that share our basic core values. Who's quest for freedom does not involve restricting someone else's. Who is tolerant of all other opinions, not just the ones they agree with. And finally people who understand that hatred and violence has never solved anything, no matter what your God or your Government tells you. Keeping people who hate out of our country seems like a pretty good idea and leaves my conscience clear. I don't think that's too much to ask. That in return for the life Canadian society offers you, you accept these fundamental Canadian values. Leave your hate and your prejudices behind and make the most of your new country. Work hard to contribute and welcome to Canada.


     .
    



   

Return of the Fat Bastard - I ruined Dr Dan's birthday dinner!

February 2nd 2017

Lovin Cockatoos in OZ

      Wow did January ever fly past in a hurry. It was a busy month for sure. In our family it's birthday month.Brother Pete, Dr Dan, Julia and myself. All children of the Spring Fling. After a winter of big sweaters and snow boots, spring was in the air and a young mans thoughts turned to love. An old mans too it seems. Dr Dan made Julia when he was 48. They should rewrite that old rhyme, March winds, April showers bring forth May boners! It's funny how these things work. After a power outage of any length of time there is always a spike in the birth rate. No television leads to people making their own episodes of the Big Bang Theory.
      I recovered quickly from my recent probings. No discomfort from the Colonoscopy and the Poop Fairy is stopping by regularly. A little burn from the Weenieoscopy when I pee but nothing too bad. The kidney stone that started moving Friday night was another story. I ruined Dr Dan's birthday dinner with my sour attitude and silence. I thought I was handling it pretty well but evidently not. I can't describe how much it hurts when a stone is passing through the ureter. It sucked because it was Dr Dan's birthday dinner and I was a severe wet blanket and because Chef Boy R Lisa made her amazing Casa Lisa Paella!

Casa Lisa Paella

Saffron rice, prawns, scallops, chicken, Chorizo sausage, mussels and clams in the shell, onions, peppers and spices. Muey Buenos!! Mama Lee was there and had several plates  full.

Visiting with Mama Lee Nutmeg and Elvis are saying hello

I ate without enthusiasm, not my usual M.O. Hung around until we had cake then went to bed. I was no fun anyway. I woke up at 3:30 am by a jagged pain shooting through my kidney and an uncontrollable need to pee. When the stone leaves your kidney the relief is instantaneous. A little sore for a couple of days and some blood in the pee while the damage to the kidney heals but way better than it was.
      Sunday was actually Dr Dan's birthday he celebrated by going to work. Auntie Lisa kept Julia occupied and I puttered around the house and yard all the while avoiding playing Dominoes on the floor with a five year old who wasn't even playing it right. Experience tells me, I would make her cry. That's why they have rules! I never give the kids a break. That way when they win one, finally, it means something. I have been beating Lostboy Ryland at cribbage since he was nine and could count to fifteen. He won his first game ever against me just before Christmas. As a matter of fact he won the best of three 2 - 0! He was beaming and I think I was too. It took me some time but I find it a lot easier too share in other peoples success and happiness even when it's at my expense. He and his girlfriend Avery are in Austrailia for eight months. I'm so jealous!
      We met Dr Dan at Tentatsu Too at about 6:00 for Sushi. Julia loves tuna and salmon rolls and Miso soup. Julia is pretty well behaved when we are in a restaurant.

Julia and Dr Dan birthday Sushi

Japanese is notorious for it`s sporadic service. They brought Julia`s Miso soup right away and then every one else got their food. We gave her some rice and some Teriyaki Chicken but 45 minutes in her five year old brain could no longer control her five year old body. She was a perpetual motion machine. We were in a booth so she had a lot of room to move around. Finally her tuna / salmon rolls arrived and she demolished them. She's a great kid and lots of fun. We were home and kicked back for the rest of his Birthday.
A couple of beers for Dr Dan and he was ready for bed. He had a call to make in the early afternoon then a meeting downtown at 2:00. The same time as I had an appointment five blocks away.
      Every one was up and about by 9:00 am Dr Dan packed up their stuff and got ready to catch the 5:30 flight back to Prince George.  After breakfast Dr Dan and the lovely Auntie Lisa took Julia to Blue Mountain Park to meet up with Bella and Chris. They have a new playground there. It's huge with lots of things for the kids to do and an all rubber foam floor. I stayed home and washed the floors before picking up Dr Dan at the park at 12:30. Halfway into town after a vigorous conversation about the state of the world Dr Dan had to take a call. I dropped him at his destination said goodbye and headed over to my appointment. I booked a part in an as yet unnamed FOX feature. I signed a C.A. so I can't talk about it. They asked me not to cut my hair or shave. Not what the lovely Lisa wanted to hear. I don't know anything about it anyway. Yesterday was a straight up look thing. A commercial. If the ad agency thinks I look the part I'll get it. I think I look to mean for the part. I ran into an old friend there going for the same part. Alex Bruhanski, I haven't seen him for years. We first worked together on the first season of The Commish and became friends. We have ran into each other over the years, usually at an audition he's me ten years older. Not my size but a deep gravelly voice and a rough exterior. A fine actor and a great person.
      I went to the Heritage Grill on Monday night and was up first out of the shoe. I did three originals with a whole band and it was a blast. Dale on bass, Gregg on lead guitar and Mark on the kit with Maureen on the Cajon. It's pretty cool to hear my stuff with a full band. Now if Gerry Sax would show up earlier???? Love the sax! I didn't hang out for long even though all the Ukelelians were there but the lovely Lisa was making ribs for 9:30 so I left right after my set. The ribs were great.
      With Christians help, okay Christian did it all. He topped the cherry tree that had defeated me a couple of weeks ago. It involved climbing into the tree and cutting a twelve foot limb that was already touching the hydro wires. I briefly considered using my chain saw but had visions of spurting blood and branch impalement! I borrowed a bow saw from Next Door Gord instead and with some rope and patience we got it down without injury.
      Tonight I'm going to Magnetiq in New West. It's a 60's theme night. Right up my alley. I don't know what songs I'm going to do. There were so many songs in the 60's that are applicable to todays situation. I'll let you know how it works out.


That's all I've got.
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - It's important to like the person who's going to be handling your penis!

 January 27th 2017

Above the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco

      To take my mind off of my looming weenieoscopy I went to Magnetiq open mic Thursday night. I was there early and Bro Steve was sitting in with the band so I got my name up first on the list. Because I have had kidney stones for a number of years this is not my first time riding the weeniescope. It's another thing that I have managed to block out even though there is no sedative involved with the weenieoscopy. Magnetiq wasn't open for business yet so I walked down the hill to the Heritage Grill where a few of the Ukelelians were doing their usual Thursday night get together. They have an amazing song book. Hundreds of songs and it seems I know them all. I listened to the music and even sang along on a few of them while I watched the Canucks go 32 minutes without a shot on net against the worst team in the league. How is it even possible? Wouldn't you think someone might accidentally shoot the puck at the net?  Start by splitting up the twins. Daniel won the scoring title when Henrik was out hurt. Then Henrik wins the scoring title when Daniel was out hurt. Can you imagine them using their playmaking skills on some of these young guys who actually will go to the net. Oh well. Cousin Bo is an All-Star and  I grew up a Leafs fan so at least I have something to cheer about.
      I said goodbye to the Ukelelians and went up to Magnetiq for the open mic.  The house band with bro Steve played three songs and then I was up. All the players who worked with me on my Christmas song, when Santa's in Vancouver, available on iTunes were there.

Bro Steve, Pam , Leon,  Chris and Devin from the house band joined me on stage. Three cover tunes and I was out of there!
      Dr Dan and Julia were flying in from Prince George and the lovely Lisa was picking them up at the airport. The lovely Lisa had texted me a shopping list to do on my way home after the open mic. It was quarter to 9 when I went through front doors of Stuporstore. We have very little in the way of child friendly food. I picked up cereal, milk, bread and jam, stuff we don't usually have in the house. When I got back to Casa Lisa they were already there from the airport. Dr Dan and Julia were eating snacky foods and the lovely Lisa was heating up the split pea soup she had made the day before. We caught up and I called it a night. I set my alarm for 6 am and slept fitfully. I was up and showered by 5 am. I sat in the dark drinking coffee for a couple of hours until the lovely Lisa was ready to drive me down to Eagleridge Hospital.
      The hospital is only ten minutes away from Casa Lisa and we were standing in front of the reception five minutes before my scheduled time. The waiting area was full. When the person at the desk was finished I walked up to the desk.  "Take a number and have a seat Sir....Number 62" she said. I turned to see where she was pointing and there were four people in line pulling their tickets.
# 75. Another clerk came out and I was processed and papered after about a half hour wait. I was then sent back to the waiting room which was rapidly emptying. It was only a few minutes when they took me in the back handed me a robe and a housecoat and told me to strip down to my socks and put them on then sent me back to the waiting room. I'll just say when you are 6'4" a hospital gown is essentially a mini skirt! Several times the lovely Lisa told me to pull it down I was exposing myself! I said " It pays to advertise" She pinched me really hard in a very vulnerable place! I crossed my legs, no small feat for a man of my substantial stature, and watched the lovely Lisa play WordBrain on my phone.
      The nurse came and got me and led me back to the operating room where Doctor Hershfield was waiting for me. He's been my Urologist since my first kidney stone attack in 1999. He's a tiny little man of indeterminable age. I thought he was old the first time I met him! He reminds me of a Garden Gnome  and his hands are so small, it's a pleasure to have him check my prostate. He's a happy guy always smiling and when he talks it always sounds like he's on the verge of a belly laugh. I like him and I think that it's important to like the person who's going to be handling your penis! We exchanged pleasantries before the nurse who led me in pointed to the table with stirrups and instructed me how to position myself in the stirrups. When I was in position and the laughing stopped, Dr Hershfield explained what was going to happen. The two nurses just stared! The Dr firmly clamped my penis in place and applied the local anaesthetic. The nurse from the waiting room left, probably with my junk burned into her retinas and the procedure nurse, a cute little Asian woman coughed. "Your not sick are you?" He asked her. 'No" she said "just a tickle in my throat" "Okay" he said "I don't want to get sick" "No problem, I promise not to kiss you." As I lay on the table with my legs in the stirrups and my balls to the wind I said "NO KISSING! I thought that was part of the deal!" A word of advice. When someone is sticking a tube into your weenie making him laugh may not be the best thing to do. It was the only pain I felt. He explained what he was looking at and gave me a clean bill of health. No cancer, no tears, just a slightly swollen prostate. We chatted for a few minutes and I was on my way home with the lovely Lisa at the wheel.
      The weight of worry was lifted off my shoulders. I still have the pressure in my back but we are slowly eliminating possible causes one by one. Once home I took my swollen prostate to my bed and faded in and out as I watched the Democrats pull their hair out in angst over the Donalds Decrees on CNN. Strangely very little coverage of the Pro Life March. Not really worthy of coverage I guess. No Celebutards cursing, no profane hate filled signs no Anarchists smashing windows and setting cars on fire, Really, You call that a protest march? Thankfully I fell asleep. I had the first decent sleep I have had in a while. I woke up with my previously viewed bladder full. OOOOOOOWWWWWW it stings when I pee! I forgot about that part. While I was trying to uncross my eyes, my winky was trying to turtle back into my body. I watched the Raptors game and called it a day at about 8:30. No pictures from today. Here's a squirrel raiding the bird feeder.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Twenty minutes after I took the laxative I changed my mind!

January 26th 2017

On my way to my Anal probing. Yay

      I survived the first of my probings. Actually, I did better than survive. I didn't find the prep or the procedure bad at all. I had one twelve years ago but had blocked it out. The only thing that bothered me was that after taking the first laxative Monday night, I was afraid to leave the house. I had planned to go to the Heritage grill to play my new Colonoscopy song. Twenty minutes after I took the laxative I changed my mind!  I also had to turn down an audition for Tuesday for the same reason. This was just two Ducolax tablets. I hadn't even gotten to the powdered Nuclear powered stuff! I was on the clear liquids only diet starting Monday night. I foraged in the deep freeze and came up with a zip lock baggie full of Chef Boy R Lisa's turkey stock. This one was from last Christmas. It was really good. So much flavour. Apple juice, yellow Gatorade, ice tea and water rounded out my diet for thirty six hours.
      At 3:00 pm I took the powdered laxative. You mix the pouch with one liter of water. Some people have told me you can mix it with Ginger ale or Apple juice. I called the screening people at the Cancer Society and they told me "mix with water only." As the memory of my first probing, twelve years ago, came flooding back I recalled how hard it was to get that potion down. It tasted soooo bad! She lady on the other end of the phone told me it tastes much better than it used to. I used the water out of the fridge because they say cold water makes it taste better. I mixed it up and mmmm not bad. I needed to drink the whole thing within an hour at ten minute intervals. It has a mild lemony taste that I didn't mind at all. It might be okay with Tequila! I had it all down in forty minutes.
      It wasn't working! The Poop Fairy was supposed to be hovering above me making my life a Liquid Fecal Hell! Nothing! I am supposed to take the second dose at 3:00 am. I set my alarm and couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in bed. I finally went into the living room and turned on the TV. I watched recorded episodes of NCIS until it was time for my dose. It was a little harder to get down the second time around. Not because of the taste but because of the huge quantities of liquid that I had been putting into my body. It took me close to an hour to get that second dose down. Still nothing.
     I set my alarm for 7:30 am and tried to get to sleep. Dreams of Aliens probing my orifices with their unnecessarily long fingers. About 5:00 am I realized one of the Aliens was actually the Poop Fairy. I almost made it! Let's leave it at the Doctor will have a nice clean colon to poke around in. And I had a nice early morning shower. I drifted in and out of sleep until the alarm went off at
7:30 am. I did what bears do in the woods...if they have Dysentery or some other Gastro intestinal disorder.  I was starting to stress about making it to Langley Memorial Hospital. Another ride on the porcelain Porche then yet another shower! By the time we left for the Hospital with Lisa Andretti at the wheel my stomach was growling and my colon was empty. We crossed the bridge over the Fraser, the toll collected automatically. Bastards!

Toll this Ya Bastards!

      It went quick once we were in the Hospital. At reception I was handed forms to fill out and sign in five different places agreeing that no matter how badly they screw things up, I'm okay with it. Then they put you in a cubicle with a blue robe that doesn't fit. I could have used the robe they gave me as a hand puppet. The nurse came back with a bigger robe and said " This ones big as a tent! " " Cool, maybe I'll keep it and go camping " I said. The Nurses were laughing and joking as I stripped down. "You can leave your socks on" they said Then I put on the robe and they stopped laughing! All I could think about was that Rodney Dangerfield joke. My Doctor told me to take off my clothes and stand in the hall.
I asked him Why?
He said I'm mad at my Nurse! Bada Bing
      The IV went in and I was good to go. They had me assume the position. They administered the sedative and within minutes I was at peace with the world. The Doctor came in introduced himself, explained the procedure, whipped out six feet of Garden Hose and got down to it. " Yo Doc, don't spare the lube! " I am totally awake and not the least bit concerned about what's happening at my backdoor because I'm staring at a big screen, Hi Def TV five feet away. On this screen is the inside of my body. " Hey Doc, do you get HBO on that thing" I quipped. He chuckled and started talking to the Nurse about her mothers recent surgery, his last vacation and her upcoming Wedding all the while playing a giant video game in my ass! I watched the whole thing. Apparently I have a nice pink colon. Full of polyps. Some of them quite large. He removed three of the larger ones and put in six staples. I watched the whole thing in HD. It was like a guided tour of my insides. The Doctor moved the camera through me like he was playing Pac Man. Into this nook over to that cranny. Whatever a cranny is? I could have easily stayed for a double feature. The removed tissue is being sent to the lab. He said there is no sign of Cancer but I will need to have one or two more procedures to remove the remaining polyps. I knew my Ex was wrong I'm not a perfect asshole!
      After the procedure I was made to wait thirty minutes before the lovely Lisa was allowed to take me home. I felt pretty good. Physically, thanks to the extra lube, I felt good. Mentally, I felt great! It took four months after they first notified me that there was a problem for me to get the colonoscopy. Four months of worry and stress. If I do say so myself my imagination was running wild. Bad dreams and bad sleep. I saw that beautiful pink colon and listened to the Doctor discussing his vacation in Belize and realized everything is going to be Okay! I had Lisa Andretti stop at the Stuporstore for some comfort supplies. I have the post procedure paperwork in my hand and it clearly states on foods to eat the first day, ICE CREAM! The lovely Lisa doesn't approve of me eating Ice cream so I rarely get to have it. The lovely Lisa is always looking out for me and her insistence on me taking care of myself is probably the reason I'm still here. Rice cakes, Ice cream and a few things Chef Boy R Lisa needs for the soup she is making me.
      Once I was home I had a shower put on my pajamas and had a nap. I awoke to the smell of soup. Chef Boy R Lisa made my two favorite soups. Scotch Broth full of lamb, potato and carrots and Split Pea with so much ham in it you could reassemble a pig!

Split Pea Soup

 I had two bowls of each by bedtime. I nodded in and out while the Canucks game was on. I actually slept through the entire second period. That's were rewind comes in handy. I was in bed early, for me. Midnight saw me sawing logs and I was up at 6:15 this morning. I plan on going to Magnetiq tonight for open mic but I have my Weenieoscopy at 7:45 am tomorrow. This time at Eagleridge Hospital. At least I won't have to pay the toll to get probed! Also I hope they use a smaller hose!
No relevant pictures. O notified the Papparazzi but they didn't show!
      Some people said they had a hard time hearing the lyrics to the Colonoscopy song. Here's the Lyrics and a better version of the song. It won't let me just post the song by itself so I had to make it a movie. Peaceful scenes from around Vancouver.

The Colonoscopy Song

My Doctor said now listen up this is what you’ve got to do
Next time you sit on the throne scrape up a little pooh
Put it in this fancy vial and take it to the lab
Two weeks later I got a letter and this is what it said
The letter told me not to worry this is just routine
It said they’d phone and tell me just what the test had seen
They tried to sound so nonchalant but I’m no body’s fool
They never called and I want to know what’s living in my stool

They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.

The fateful day’s arriving no time to whine or pout
That nuclear powered laxative sure did clean me out.
They’re doing me in Langley so I have to pay the toll
It just seems wrong to pay six bucks while they poke around my hole
They put me in a cubicle and handed me a robe
Strip down to your birthday suit we’re going to do the probe
The robe was open in the back as I sauntered down the hall
I let them see the full moon because I have no shame at all
 
They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.

They put an IV in my arm My heart pounding like a train
They added in the sedative so I would feel no pain
I went out and they went in, now I have no memory
Of the day I had my Colonoscopy

They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.
Did I mention that I’m getting it for free?
Hey Doc! (pause) I’ll take three

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

©2017 Dave Squatch Ward