Return of the Fat Bastard- I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn

April 12th 2017

      I'm happy to announce that being a whiny petulant self absorbed baby can actually knock off a few pounds. I weighed 313 on Monday when I lost my mind by stepping on the scale. Tuesday morning I clocked in at 308.4

Yes, I know I didn't lose 5 pounds of ugly fat overnight. My head is still attached to my corpulent bloated carcass. Probably the Poop Fairy took an extra large deposit. Or the diuretics I'm taking for my kidney stones that make me pee 20 times a day have finally drained all of my bodily fluids leaving me a dried out husk of a man! Okay a huge husk of a man but a husk non the less. If my theory is correct this short self abusing paragraph has probably knocked half a pound off my fat ass! I need to stay on my diet and get active again.
      To that end I woke yesterday morning to the first sunshine I've seen in what seems like months. I looked out into the yard when I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn and I swear that I could see the grass growing. Three times I have put my almost empty jerry can into the Rav 4 and three times I haven't put any gas into it. Instead I drove around for a day or so till the fumes from the can made me nauseous. Instead of filling it, I took it out empty and put it back in the yard near the lawn mower so I wouldn't forget to fill it. 3 times I've done that and still have no gas. Besides the weather was way too nice to mow the lawn.
      I phoned Duffy and Mr Peacock to see if a round of golf was in their imminent future. Duffy yes, Mr Peacock, not available. I arranged to meet Duffy, who is on 2 weeks of R&R, at Central Park Pitch and Putt at 11:45. I pulled into the parking lot just as my phone rang. It was Duffy. The course wasn't open. I looked through the windshield and could see Duffy walking towards me talking on the phone. He was 50 feet away! I don't think the phone was necessary. We hemmed and hawed for a few minutes. Drive across town to Kensington Park to play golf or hit Rivers Reach for lunch?  Golf it is! I followed Duffy on a circuitous route across the entire width of Burnaby. His shiny gold Accura an easy beacon to follow for me and any Pimps along the route!

Kensington Park Pitch and Putt

      The best deal in golf. $9.75 for 18 holes of Pitch and Putt. Duffy is 4 months from his 65th birthday and tried to get the dedicated employee of the City of Burnaby to give him the Seniors price that is $3 cheaper. No way Jose! The sun was shining, the course was mostly dry and we walked onto the course with no one in front of or behind us. I won the first 2 holes then Duffy beat me like a drum for the next 5 holes.

Duffy not quite 65

      We were rolling along at a good clip. Duffy was dropping shots onto the green like he knew what he was doing. I was playing like I'd never seen a golf ball before! How do you take a 7 on a 55 yard hole?! We had caught up to the group in front of us. A single who was waiting on every tee box for the threesome in front of him. On the 8th hole they let him play through. We sat on the bench in the sunshine crucifying the Canuck management and calling for Tiger Williams to replace Don Cherry on Hockey Night in Canada.
      A tiny old man snuck up behind us so we invited him to join us. Joseph was a 76 year old Irishman who was a golf nut. We talked about the Masters Tournament on the weekend and then settled in to solving the worlds problems. Joseph was quite a good golfer. He wasn't part of our skins game. Good thing because he was killing us.

Joseph and Duffy on the Tee Box

      A beautiful 2 hours spent with good company on a beautiful day. We had planned to go for a bite to eat but I was feeling guilty about not mowing the lawn so I begged off and headed for home. I stopped at Rona for a new rake. The last several wind storms combined with the Crows and Raccoons tearing up the lawn to get to the Chafer Beetle larvae have left the lawn looking like a neighbourhood in Aleppo. I tried to clean it up last week.  That's when I broke my rake. Not much I can do with a 2 foot handle on my rake. Sure, that's why I didn't rake .
     The Rona guy had no idea what I was talking about. "I need a new handle for my rake" I said. He stared at me like I had asked to bone his Mother! Then he spoke and it all made sense. His accent was incomprehensible. I nodded smiled and walked away. I walked around the store looking for a pole that would fit my rake head. 5 minutes later I asked another clerk and she sent me out into the yard. No handles. They did have 10 different rakes all different prices none in the right places. I picked a heavy duty steel rake that I thought was $19.99. I was wrong. It was $34.99. Now I'm standing at the counter wondering if I should buy this Caddilac of rakes or take it back and get a Lada! I handed her my VISA and payed the bill. Now armed with my shiny new rake and with a yard full of pine needles, cones, twigs and branches I dropped my shiny new rake on the lawn and went in and watched the BlueJays game. So much for raking. I didn't want to miss the Blue Jays losing yet another game. Edwin, Oh Edwin, why have thou forsaken us? By then it was too late to rake.

Michelle with One L

      The lovely Lisa and Michelle with One L were back from their Cypress Mountain ski trip. They went on and on about how beautiful a day it had been.

Breathtaking views of the city and for the first time all year they could see the Lions.

The Lions from Cypress Mountain

They've been in cloud or white out conditions the dozen or so times the lovely Lisa has been up there. She got her moneys worth out of her pass this year for sure. Cypress is done on the weekend. Monday is the last day. While they alternated between "what a fantastic day" and "my whole body is sore" I went off to make dinner. I had pulled a couple of Rib Steaks from the freezer in the morning and sat them out to temper. Always let your meat come to room temperature before you put it on the grill. It will be way more tender. While the BBQ was heating up I threw together a salad, peeled and boiled a couple of potatoes and prepped the gravy mix and the asparagus for steaming. We sat and had a nice dinner and then I got ready to go to Judge  Begbies for open mic. It was very slow when I got there. Gregg Gorrie was up and playing, he runs the open Mic. There was one other singer songwriter as well as Maureen on the Cajon, a girl with a flute and Klaus on Blues Harp. I had them all play with me over the course of my 7 song set. The girl with the flute, who's name I can't remember, did an excellent job on Paris my song about the Paris Terrorist Attack. It got busier a little later and by the time I left the Tavern Jayne the drummer was up playing his 12 string and singing and there were a couple more players on deck. I did a little shop at Stuperstore and was home and in front of the TV before 11. Helping Christian put up the TV brackets at their new house in the morning.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all