Who's a Fat Bastard - I'm turning into Eva Gabor!!

February 12, 2015

Miles

      On the road again, I can't wait to get on the road again. With the lovely Lisa at the wheel we were headed to the Island for a retirement party. You are reading this a day late because Karen, the retiree, is a regular reader of my blog and though the party is not a surprise, our attendance is. Karen is my best mate Stuser's wife. Not only has she put up with Stu for thirty plus years, she has also, on a number of occasions allowed me to rest, hide and/or heal in the protection of her home. After thirty plus years at the Bank of Commerce, she's done.
      In 1980 I left Calgary with the clothes I was wearing and $56 in my jeans. My friend Keith was getting married to Kathy, who was from Campbell River. That was the first time I had ever seen the Pacific Ocean. By the time I got to Campbell River I had already decided I wasn't going back to Cowtown. Karen has been a part of my life ever since.
      I was up early and working on my last post. I was knee deep in drippy Joe when the lovely Lisa awoke from her much needed fifteen hour, workday induced coma, I was informed that we were going to be on the 12:30 ferry to Nanaimo. It was just after 9:00 so we had plenty of time. You would think! I had packed my bag the night before and I was ready. Pack up the lap top, put on my shoes and I was good to go. As I sat pecking away at the keyboard I could hear the lovely Lisa putting together the necessities of a two day trip. I .could move to a foreign country with the amount of stuff she packs. I have my back pack and a guitar. Oh yeah and my CPAP and my laptop and wait a minute... I'm turning into Eva Gabor!! You might want to Google Green Acres if you're under fifty years old.
     At 10:15 I posted my blog, put on my pants,( I always write my blog in my pyjamas.) I think I do my best writing naked, but the lovely Lisa won't let me sit on the furniture when I am. I found the lovely Lisa on the phone, on the couch, in her pyjamas. " We should be going soon Sweetie" I said "I'm already, I just need to get dressed" she said pointing to the giant pile of stuff necessary to survival on the road. By the time the car is loaded the back seat is above the headrests and Elvis can't stand up without hitting his head on the roof! And he's only seven inches tall! It was after 11:20 when she kicked Otto"s four banger Diesel into action. No problem we have over an hour to get to Horseshoe Bay and the ferry to Nanaimo. " I need to stop and see Mama Lee for a minute to give her the knee highs and socks you bought for her" I was told " And I want to get her some flowers" I sat in stunned silence as I visualised us sitting in the ferry line up with two whiny Rat dogs for two and a half hours. Amazingly "Whatever you need to do Honey" came out of my mouth, I am assuming from force of habit. While my brain was screaming FUUUUUUUUUDGE!!!

By the time we left Mama Lee we had less than forty minutes to get to the ferry. Lisa Andretti at the wheel. Fortunately, once you're on the highway it's a straight shot with no possibility of a Lisa Andretti short cut. We made it by the hairs on our chinny, chin, chins. Well my chin anyway. The lovely Lisa is facially hairless. Well, maybe a little mustache. I'll pay for that one.
We were parked beside a truck with an interesting logo.

And obviously they deliver

The ferry was five minutes late so I had time to let the Rat dogs out. Elvis pees on everything but Nutmeg will only pee on grass, or the welcome mat on the back deck if it's raining.

      Once we were on the ferry Nutmeg had a little mental breakdown. The engines create a vibration that she is very sensitive to. She was shaking like a leaf and curled up in a ball.

Half Rat, Half Chicken ,Half Dog! That might be one half too many.

 "Alright, let's go get something to eat." I suggested "Look how she's shaking" The lovely Lisa said. " "She always shakes" I reminded her. The bus going by makes her shake. The garbage truck makes her shake, just the sight of balloons and she turns into a canine vibrator! Off to the passenger deck for a Wet Spot burger. I seldom do the Wet Spot but for some reason today I wanted one. I generally try to avoid the Wet Spot but some times it can't be helped. On the ferry it's that or the Bread Garden. I wasn't up to a pre wrapped sandwich of indeterminable age so Wet Spot, here I come!
      The cafeteria line up was way too long even though the ferry was less than half full. The lovely Lisa and I went up to the top deck to watch the ferry leave the terminal and wait out the cafeteria lemmings. As soon as we left the Bay part of Horseshoe Bay, there was nothing to see. Visibility was a few hundred meters as the North Shore mountains faded into the fog.

Leaving Horseshoe Bay

We were up on the sunless deck when the only other person there started hawking up loogies like a pelican feeding it's young! I just about gagged! The guy was wearing head phones and seemed totally oblivious to what he was doing as he puked a half eaten frog onto the deck! All of a sudden Wet Spot wasn't sounding that good.

      We ran away. We went and sat in the cafeteria until the last of the line was through then the lovely Lisa went and got us some lunch. The WiFi on the ferry is crap so I read my book until the lovely Lisa returned with our lunch. Classic combo, my first french fries in eight months. They were good. Definitely better than the Wet Spot burger. There is so much goo on this thing it drips. The meat keeps trying to squirt out of the bun when you try to eat it. I scraped as much of the special sauce off it and in the end I quite enjoyed the Wet Spot experience.

      Cup of ferry Joe in hand we went up onto the sunless deck again. We were alone at the rear of the boat, out of the wind and trying to see and land  when we were approached by a girl with a multi coloured bad haircut. " Do you mind if I light a joint?" she asked. "Go ahead" In three minutes we had all the info and more about this girl. Moved to Gambier Island eight months ago from Calgary and makes crafts from things she finds on the beach. Oh yeah. and she's poor.Maybe she should sell some of that weed! Get a real haircut and a job! Just saying. We went down and st in the car for the rest of the voyage. I read my book while the lovely Lisa had a little nap.
      Off the ferry we stopped to fill Otto's tank. We were going to take the dogs to the beach in Parksville. When we got down there the road to the beach was flooded.

There was about a foot of water on about 100 meters of the road. We went through and parked right at the beach. It was one of those days when the sea and the sky appear to be the same colour.

The lovely Lisa adrift on a beach of grey

 Twenty minutes later we were back in the car for the trip to Deb and Spencer's in Bowser. They have an acreage with two giant labs.

Two horses

And a barn that Spence built himself from wood on his own property.

Their son Wyndm, buy a freakin vowel, does the 4H club and has raised prize winning pigs the last few years. The one we ate last night was Demetri. The funny thing was, he didn't taste Greek!

Oh Demetri, I knew thee well!

This was the most amazing pork. We had brought salad, potatoes and butter buns that Chef Boy R Lisa had made the day before. Wyndm even ate the salad and liked it.Their daughter Rachel stopped by to feed her horse and say hello. She's in college in Nanaimo and doesn't live here anymore.

Deb and Rachel

 After dinner Wyndm went to do whatever thirteen year old boys do with their spare time and we went out to the garage to play some pool. Girls against the boys. Boys rule!
     We sat around talking about ways to make money without having to make an effort for our retirement and decided an early death was our most promising option. Personally I'm leaning towards a lengthy prison term. Three squares a day, an hour in the yard and I'll be old enough I won't have to become somebody's bitch!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward