Who's a Fat Bastard - Trying to use mind control

October 23, 2014

     Karma is a bitch! I let politics and negativity creep into my blog yesterday and I was rewarded with a slap from Buster's towing. I set the alarm for 6:30 am. I had an appointment at 9 am on Beatty Street in Vancouver. I was in bed last night before midnight. I had written yesterdays blog in the afternoon and I was in a foul mood. In case it didn't come through in yesterdays rant. I had no problem getting up. Got on with my morning rituals and dressed for success. I had some material to go over and with a cup of Joe in hand, I read and reread the copy. I was just getting ready to go out the door at 7:30 when the lovely Lisa got up. Lisa had a dentist appointment at 9. We had coffee together, she made a pot of fancy Hawaiian coffee. I kept slurping my Joe.

     It was 7:45 when I got on the road. I never have to be in town at 9 am. It was raining hard enough I had to put the wipers on ten, I could have used an eleven! The multi million dollar #1 highway improvement / Port Mann bridge upgrade, has left swimming pool size puddles in several places on the 100 kph road. Combined with Vancouverites natural ability to drive like idiots, traffic was at a stand still. I got on at Brunette and off at Gaglardi, one exit later. I took the Lougheed instead. Munching on a delicious Honey Crisp apple  I hit all the lights and was thinking, this is my lucky day. 

Until I hit Boundary Rd, I think it is the boundary of sanity. Cross at your own risk, check brain function and road manners at the door. There were huge puddles everywhere and people speeding into them and stalling. My truck has a high clearance and I have a brain. Slow down. Unless there's a bunch of people at a bus stop. Then stomp it! If it's not raining too hard you can roll down the window and here their angry screams. Mind you if you stall out they will tear you apart like a monkey on a donut! It took almost an hour and a half to go what usually takes twenty-five minutes. When I arrived at my destination fifteen minutes late. I parked and fed the meter. It had a temporary parking prohibited sign on the meter but today was not one of the days listed.
     I hurried up to my meeting to find the door locked and nobody home. I needed to pee so bad I went back to the elevator to go find a bathroom. When the elevator arrived My appointment came out apologising. "I'm so sorry the traffic is brutal!" she said  "That's okay, do you have a restroom handy" I said, while doing the don't leak shuffle! " In the office" Great. I dropped my pack as soon as I cleared the door, grabbed the key and laid rubber on my way back down the hall. I couldn't make the key work. Panic was setting in and liquid was trying to escape. I looked at the CD that was used as a key fob on it was written.....WOMEN. Thank God they're side by side. When you consider that I had drank twenty ounces of coffee and spent ninety minutes in traffic, I did alright. A little bit of overspray and a wet spot the size of a loonie, okay a toonie on the front of my jeans. I was drying my wet spot with the air dryer when the door opened. To say the tiny Asian women was surprised to open the ladies room door and see a 280 pound man with his crotch under a hand dryer is an understatement. I mumbled something about the mens being broken and scurried away. I had a good meeting and when I left, I found that my truck had been towed. I read the meter but not the street sign. I was in a commercial loading zone. I phoned the number and got the address. two blocks south of the Main street Skytrain station.  I walked up to the Stadium Station, about four blocks, in the rain. It was one stop on the Skytrain $30 in a cab. It was a light rain until I was one block away. Then it poured. I was soaked. Even worse, I was wearing a down filled hunting vest that I now believe was made out of sponge!

Soaking up the scenery at the Skytrain

     I'm not proud of this but, I got on the train without paying. It wasn't deliberate. I was on a call from Stalker Bill and next thing you know the train is there and I'm on it. It was only one stop but still, what a douche bag! When the train pulls into Main Street station the platform is full of transit people. Cops and security guy's checking tickets. I picked the path of least resistance and moved like I had somewhere to be. A transit Cop, checking the ticket of a girl with multi coloured weed whacker cut hair and a hub cap in her ear, looked right at me. I nodded to him, smiled and kept walking. The directions on the phone said two blocks south of the station. I should have listened to the entire message. It was also three blocks east.
     I was third in line at the impound lot. I was now dripping on the floor. My sponge vest was fully engorged and squirting little streams of water when I moved.There was only one person behind the bullet proof glass and she was having a hard time explaining to the woman in front of her that " I didn't know I couldn't park there " is not a legitimate excuse. Twenty minutes and $88 later I was reunited with my truck. That doesn't include the $50 parking ticket which doubles if I don't pay it in 14 days. That's what I get for slagging Justin Trudeau! I'm not apologising and I meant what I said but it seems both the Media and Karma dig him. Me, not so much.
     I got home about the same time as Lisa returned from her Dentist appointment. I told of my adventure and she told me to pay the ticket, now! I didn't, being the wilful  spoiled brat that I am. Instead I made my self lunch.

Meatballs and chicken with avocado and tomato. Is it just me or is it getting hard to find tomato flavoured tomatoes? It's harder than finding Banana coloured Bananas!
     I went over to Momma Lee's for 12:30 to play some music for the folks. Momma Lee was having a trying day. She was a little bit confused.

I played all the old tunes they like and then made them listen to a few of my original songs. They are a good bunch and some of them even stay awake through the whole hour!

Brother Steve showed up just as I was finishing. We went down to Momma Lee's room. Steve was going to stay and have a visit and I was headed home.
     I had a bit of time to kill before I was going to meet Stalker Bill and his wife Ping in Surrey. I worked on the first paragraph of today's blog, drank coffee and hung out with Lisa. Stalker Bill was being picked up at the ferry terminal by his friend Sonny and driven to the White Spot in Guilford, fifteen minutes from our house. And of course. the Port Mann toll. I was to meet them at 3:30. They got there about 4, not bad for Bill and Ping. We reconnected on the Alaska Cruise we took this summer after more than twenty years. Auntie Janice tagged him the Stalker. Every time he would see her, he would ask where I was. "Your stalkers looking for you" she would tell me.

Stalker Bill and Ping

We were at the Wet Spot for about an hour, talking with Sonny and having a couple of appy's. The lovely Lisa was waiting at home. Stalker Bill can play guitar! That's how we first met. In 1983 Bill was part of a Duo called Magic. They worked for me at the Anchor Inn in Campbell River. We jammed a couple of tunes, he's a Beatle nut, and went down to Woody's for dinner, football and Canucks. We had a pile of chicken wings and the steak sandwich special. Canucks won, Denver won and Lisa blew twenty bucks on Pacific Hold Em. A government run scam that has convinced people that by giving them back their wager, they're a winner. That and the 40% skim stop me from playing.      Stalker Bill and Ping are flying to Fort Lauderdale to go on an eight day cruise. I'm driving them to the airport at 4 am. When we got back to the house around 11 pm they got their luggage in order and called it a night. I was up till 1:30 writing. I set the alarm for 4 am and it seemed that I had barely closed my eyes when it went off. I made a pot of coffee and waited for them to get it together. Forty minutes later we were out the door. I took the dogs with me for company on the way back from the airport. They don't talk much, just stare at you, trying to use mind control to make you stop at every tree! I was home by 5:30 am but unfortunately the two cups of coffee have me up for the day. It's 6:30 am and Lisa just told me to come back to bed. She's probably sleepwalking!

That's all I got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward