Who's a Fat Bastard - First World Problems

October 13, 2014

 

     Since it's Thanksgiving and I'm nursing my morning after turkey hangover, it got me to thinking about all the things that I am thankful for. First and foremost, I'm thankful for my family and friends. The people I Iove, and the people who love me back. I'm thankful for the accident of birth that resulted in me being where I am. I am thankful that I live in a country, and a culture that tries to teach our children love and acceptance.  Instead of hate and intolerance. I am thankful for all that I have. I have travelled enough to know how advantaged we are here in the west. If I hear one more person say "I need an iPhone 6" I will pocket dial them with my foot up their ass! 
     It is only with age that I have been able to distinguish the difference between need and want. I want a new truck, I don't need a $700 a month payment. I guess mostly I'm thankful that all my problems are first world problems. I have enough to eat, sometimes too much. (Swede). I have a roof over my head and I don't live in fear of my own government. Two thirds of the worlds people cannot say those same things. I, no we, have much to be thankful for.
     So basically that's what I did all day, I think! You know, I started off I was going to tell you how I laid around all day like some kind of turkey fed land slug. And that's how the day started out, kind of. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 I barely had a cup of Joe in my hand when the Lovely Lisa, who had already been up for a couple of hours making turkey stock and gravy for the freezer, informed me that the Grandkids were on their way over for a holiday visit. It's not that I'm not happy to see them, it's now I have to put on my pants! No one not bound by the marriage act, should have to see me in my tighty whities and a Jesus is coming T shirt.

     "Happy Thanksgiving Papa, can we go play with Matty?" they said in unison and all in one breath. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can go play in traffic for all I care!" Yes I really said that. Lisa gets pissed when I say those kind of things to the grandkids. "You're their Papa, they look up to you." "Of course they look up to me" I said. "They're six and four years old and I'm six foot four! They have to look up to me. It's physics! If they looked straight ahead, they would think their Papa was a giant penis!" And according to some people, they wouldn't be too far off the mark! They went down to call on Matty  and played in the Green room for an hour because it was pouring outside. 
     Coffee and conversation, I hardly see Jen at all during the week, and she's so bagged by the end of the week she just wants to sleep. Unfortunately the kids want to do things with Mommy too. Which brings me to the point. Jen tells the kids to clean up down there, it's time to go. Less than a minute later both Bella and Christo are lined up for my farewell sugar. "That was fast, are you sure you put all your toys away?" "Yes Papa" Bella murmured. "I'll  check it on the way out Dad, Love you" Jen said, and they were gone. I had tablecloths and runners and tea towels and all kinds of festive holiday laundry to do. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to the Green Room and saw what "all cleaned up" looks like to a six year old, or even scarier a thirty-six year old!!

They stuffed things under around and behind  every inanimate object.

 I'm not sure what they were playing with but whatever it was, it was once full of little styrofoam balls.

 While the first load of wash was going I cleaned up the Green room. The Alphamat was destroyed by the Mini Huns who went to town. They are made out of foam and are awesome Ninja death stars.

Waiting to be flung.

After I flipped the laundry, I vacuumed and laid out my new workout mat. Barry "Mole Boy" Ho gave it to me yesterday. It's a Pilate's mat, what the hell is a Pilate? I could google it, but then I would know what it is. Where's the fun in that? My groin is stabilising and I'm going to give my workout a try tomorrow.

 I ended up Vacuuming the entire house. Stairs and everything. Lisa has some tablecloths that she got from Momma Lee. She has had them for years and they don't go in the dryer. It was just nice enough to use the clothesline. No sun but a steady breeze.  I should have taken a picture. They looked pretty cool waving in the wind. 
By now it's 2:30 and I decide to go see Momma Lee. I pack up the dogs and my guitar and head over. When I get there Momma Lee was in her room. "I'm meditating for forty-five minutes" Momma Lee informed me. I went out to the main room and they were clustered around the TV watching a John Wayne movie. I can't compete with the Duke! So I went and kissed Momma Lee goodbye and took the dogs to the park. Just as it started to rain.       Elvis doesn't like the rain but he'll get out of the car. Nutmeg, you have to catch and physically remove from the car. Then she pretend pees and jumps back in. 
     I woke up congested this morning. I hope it's my allergies but it seems like the wrong time of the year. I'm trying to stay active and really be conscientious about my diet. So coming down with a cold would really suck. Mind you, if it made the Poop Fairy open the gates, I might lose a few extra pounds!
     It's 1:35 am and Lisa just left for work. I should wrap this up and hit the sack.
     I didn't even watch the Monday Night Football game. I watched a movie so bad that even Liam Neeson couldn't help it. Wrath of the Titans. This thing put the uck in suck! 
I never actually ate a meal today. I just sort of grazed. A little ham, a little turkey, a little sausage stuffing mmmmm mmmmm and about a gallon of Suntea. Another thing I'm thankful for.

That's all I got
Till next time
Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward