Who's a Fat Bastard - Say Hello to my Lilla Fren!

October 3, 2014

A blast from the past. that is So Weird!

     They have a day for everything now. Fathers Day, Mothers Day, Secretaries Day. I think that today was International Stupid People Driving Cars day. I know, you're saying they celebrate that in parts of Vancouver everyday. It seemed to me that they were out supporting the day in record numbers. I'll get back to that.

     I am nursing several minor injuries at the moment, up to and including, but not limited to, a wart on one of my guitar pic holding fingers, two aching shoulders and a tweaked groin. Not to be confused with a twerked groin, ala Miley Cyrus. Still, a body in motion..... and all that other bumper sticker crap. Between cups of coffee I got into my workout gear. I coffee, one pair of shorts, one coffee, one Tshirt, one coffee, one sock, one sock? Where's my other sock? I just had it right here! I lost a sock while sitting in my living room. It was no where near the dryer! I went and got another sock. I bought thirty six pairs of identical grey socks. They come in twelve packs. Grey goes with everything. I am obviously a fashionista. Momma Lee had three Rubbermaid bins worth of summer clothes to go in our attic after she retrieved her winter collection. The same with Lisa preparing her summer wardrobe for winter storage. Do you know how my wardrobe changes from summer to winter? In the winter, I wear a coat!

     Though physically challenged, I heeded the advice of all the caring people who told me " Suck it up Buttercup!" And started my workout

1000 Four Stair Stretches, 

I had a really hard time with lifting my left leg into position on the stair. That should have been a hint. I used the 4 lbs of weight for all 1000 reps this time. It doesn't hurt once I get my leg up, it's just getting it up that's the problem. I wonder if Viagra would help?  Next up was the One Stair Steps. I could only do 37 of them. The first 25, with my right leg doing the work were no problem. The left leg was not so cooperative. I did 17 and quit.  My groin was burning and I wasn't even peeing! I know that if I don't rest it, it's going to take forever to heal. 

First 25, no problemo!

I hobbled up stairs to the shower clutching my groin, not because it was hurting. I just like to touch my groin. 

" You should ice that" Lisa suggested. Like the pain hasn't caused enough shrinkage, "put an ice pack on it" 
     I could suffer permanent penile inversion. That's when your wee wee sucks so far into your body to get away from the cold, you could actually become a girl! If it didn't pop out again that is.

I used the water pic instead. With hot water too. It counteracts the shrinkage. It's like an anti-shrinkage machine.

     I made my quick tuna salad lettuce wraps for lunch. I normally chop onion and dill pickle for tuna salad but I have my instant tuna salad recipe for when I'm in a rush.

Squatch Salad and Tuna salad

Mayo, green relish, Valentinas hot sauce and pepper. Oh yeah, and tuna.

     Since my workout was such a flop, I needed to do something to keep me off the couch. I decided to mow the lawn. 

Lawn boy rides again!

The sun was shining and the grass was long. I haven't cut it since before our summer party on the second Saturday of August, every year. (Consider this an invite to next years event. Theme to be determined. We're leaning towards "Remember The Eighties.") Judging by the wardrobes of my friends , most of them are still trapped there!
     We live near Mundy Park. We have had Raccoons, Deer, Coyotes and even Bears in our yard. Mostly, we have Rodents! Rats and Squirrels. The Squirrel Army is not so bad. They eat all the Hazelnuts and most of the cherries, plus, they're darn cute. Rat's, not so much. They hang around the BBQ and drop their little Rat poops all over the place. As you know, from reading my blog, I reworked my rat traps the other day after they somehow set them off and ate all my Peanut butter bait. It now has a hair trigger. "Say hello to my Lilla Fren." Lisa doesn't want me to post a picture of the extermination but I think all the Rats reading my blog should know what happens to Rats that poop on my deck!

Adios Amigo, gone to that big cheese round in the sky!

     I had an appointment at 4 pm downtown. It was 2:20 when I got in the car for the 35 minute ride. My phone rang just as I turned onto the Lougheed Hwy. It was Walmart with my photo order they had screwed up. I was out of Walmart and back in the car at 3:00. I have never seen so many rude, abusive, abrasive and just plain stupid drivers in my life. I saw people being cut off, I saw people being told off and I don't know how many times I saw people getting flipped off! Having run the gauntlet in from Coquitlam, I pulled up to the curb in the 1600 block of 2nd Ave on only the third turn around the block on my quest for parking. Woo Hoo only 7 minutes late. It worked out because they were running 30 minutes late. Just long enough to send me back to Coquitlam in rush hour. 

     As bad as the drivers were coming into town, they were way worse on the way back. Besides the usual tailgating, speeding and unsafe lane changes the highlight of the day was a cute blond in a cute red subcompact, who without signalling, crossed 3 lanes of traffic causing several near misses before stopping in the left turn lane. She then got out of her car, went around to the back and took a bag out of the trunk. The light had changed. A couple of people honked at her to get her moving. She put the bag in the car and started yelling at the people stuck behind her. At this point I was far away.

     It's Poker Night. every once in a while we play a little Texas Holdem. Usually at our place and always fun. $10 buy in and 12 minute blinds. 

Fresh deck of cards...didn't help

Lisa made a bunch of different pastas for the poker gang. I had hot Italian sausage and salad.

Chef Boy R Lisa Pasta Extravaganza!

Sausage and Salad for me.

     To make a long story short I sucked long , hard and steady! I kept getting great cards. I flopped 4 card flushes, open ended straights and two pair numerous times. I never hit once.

Not in the picture Rick and Lisa

It's always fun and nobody gets hurt. Financially! I was hoping my wee man from Glasgow was going to be my lucky charm but it turns out that Lucky Charms are. Irish.

No help from Glasga Jock! Or Duffy!

     Out first in both games, I played guitar and made up songs to annoy everybody else. Songs like, If I was a carpenter, I'd hit you with my hammer and Gimme back my money, Ho. The second game broke up about midnight. That's late for us old folks! We always have a good time, and lately , I always suck.  Lot's of laughs with good people. Went to bed at 2:30 am. Woke up at 8 am and finished writing my blog.
     I want to thank everyone who is sending me feedback. I would be writing this regardless because it helps to keep me focused on what I'm doing health wise.  According to Doctor Eddy I'm doing great. I read all your comments and am pleased that so many of you are reading me on a regular basis.  I have had over 11,000 views, yes I'm surprised too. I'm also pissed about the groin thing. It's slowing me down and I have a long history of using things like this to stop doing what I'm doing. Not this time! Like Doctor Eddy says "Time heals all groins!"

That's all I got. 
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all    

     ©2014 Dave Squatch Ward