Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Return of the Fat Bastard - Something Resembling Beef!

June 28th 2016
The attendant at the Superstore Gas Station in Coquitlam actually washed my windshield!
      Today was a busy day even for me. Today is moving day for Michele. One of my oldest friends and her and the lovely Lisa have become tighter than a Nuns sense of humor! I can see my ability to win any argument on any subject fading right before my eyes. We have lived together before. In 2002, 2 weeks after we were married at our house. Our house caught on fire. Took out the end wall and the whole roof. Water took care of destroying everything else. We stayed at Michele's for 5 months. It helped her out and the Insurance company was happy to pay, less than half of what they were paying for the hotel. I can't tell you where we first met in order to protect the innocent, but mostly the guilty. It was 1985 I was running the Yuk Yuk's in Victoria. And one of Michele's best friends, Mother Teresa, was working for me and threw a spectacular party at the  home they owned at Prospect Lake. We knew right away we were Kindred Spirits. When one of the guests got a little bit obnoxious with her I hung him over the edge of a cliff until he promised to behave himself, which he promised to do almost immediately. I put him down told him once again to be respectful. Then he left. We've been buddies ever since. Michele not the Dick. Turns out he was some mid-level bureaucrat with the liquor licensing board and proceeded to make my life a living hell. We had to serve full meals at our comedy show in order to get a license just to serve beer and wine. Chicken ala King made with turkey, beef bourguignon made with something resembling beef, or for the vegetarians in the crowd a tossed salad with a slice of tomato and half a carrot. $15.95 including the show.
      None of this really has anything to do with the day that I had. I could have easily ducked this stuff. But nooo, Big hearted thick-headed Squatch . I start my day by driving over to the North Shore to pick up a dresser that Michelle has for Mama Lee. At 9:30 in the morning because there's never any traffic then! It was such a beautiful day. It was so nice that it inticed all of Vancouver's worst drivers to go out into the highways and byways of Vancouver and f**** up everybody's day. The first thing you do in Vancouver when you get in your car is turn it to 730 on your am dial. Just the fact that the city can support a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week radio station dedicated to telling you where the worst drivers are wreaking havoc is amazing. Unfortunately by the time you get the alert you're already on the highway and screwed.
      I get on the highway  and join the Lemmings headed towards the cliff they call " Their Job". Me? I'm always happy to go to work. I had the radio cranked 104.3, the new home of the sixties, seventies and eighties! I had the air on stun, the sunroof open and a Hot Jotogo in the drink holder. But you know what?  Every guy I saw cheating in the HOV lane was driving either a BMW or a Lexus. But I guess they have to get where they're going in a hurry so they can afford that penis extension they drive into work everyday. It took well over an hour to make the 30-minute drive but like I said, where do I gotta go. I have another coffee with Michelle and then load the dresser and a couple other things she wanted moved into the truck. I had the Ratdogs with me and even with the air conditioning and fresh water, the little shits drink bottled water. Neither one of them will drink out of a stream or the lake! Spoiled rotten!  They were not comfortable in the car so I took them home. Then I took the dresser to Mama Lee's.
      While I was setting up the dresser the occupational therapist came in and pointed out some things in the room that need to be changed. None of them good. None of them are going to make Mama Lee happy. Unfortunately Mama Lee's condition has deteriorated to the point where it takes two care aides to help her do anything. So the custom Cabinet that our friend Craig made for the side of her bed has to go. It's a beautiful piece of furniture. Up in the attic it goes! Anyway I'm going to have to remodel and remove a great deal of the stuff that she has in her room.
      I was dripping wet by the time we were finished. I'm pretty sure they still have the heat on. Old people get cold easy. You see I'm always hot so I must be eternally young! I got home had a nice luke warm shower and dressed for my appointment at 4 o'clock downtown. Again the drivingly challenged were out in full force. This time someone was looking out for me. All the crashes were in the eastbound Lanes and there were three or four of them! I didn't even hit any traffic till I got off at 1st Avenue. I was at my appointment 20 minutes early. But I got free parking only one and a half blocks away. I walk in and who do I see Winslow something or other he was Bryan Myers when I knew him years ago. Holmes, Winslow Holmes. That's it. I knew everyone in the room and everyone in the room knew me. That's what it's like these days. After my interview I went down to the car turned on 730 a.m. all traffic all the time, and discovered that the demolition derby on number 1 East was actually worse then it was when I came in. The lineup for the number one went all the way back the Cassiar connector. I don't know why I drove across the Lions Gate Bridge into North Van. Perhaps I fell and struck my head and was unaware of the severe brain injury I obviously suffered. Michelle's old place was right by Capilano Road. Right on the other side of the Lians gate bridge. It still took a long time to get to the bridge. About 45 minutes to make the 15-minute Drive. The bridge was a breeze. It was moving along quite nicely. I have never understood why traffic slows down on a bridge. It's not like you can turn! Though I saw several drivers who I would happily watch plunge to their deaths just for being supremely stupid!
     She had two guys and a truck coming to move the bulk of her furniture but there were a few things that the lovely Lisa wanted for the garden. I loaded them up. And a few things for Michele. The traffic off the North Shore was horrendous. All the entrance ramps to the number one we're backed up for blocks. Then when you got on to the number one it was a parking lot. So I turned up the radio had a little something something to take the edge off.  Cranked up the tunes and I got off at Hastings Street. At least it was moving. I stopped at the Red Apple on Hastings at 6:50. They close at 7 and they almost run me down in their haste to bring the outdoor carts full of fruit into the store for the night. Then they started pulling the nightshades down over the food while I was reaching in to get some plums. You can't actually hear the Chinese accent while I'm writing it, but he said to me "You go way, come back tomorrow!" as he herded me towards the till. From there the traffic wasn't bad I went over the Burnaby Mountain Speedway at warp factor 5. Quick stop at cheap thrills and I was home eating chicken and salad for dinner. As a bonus Tamara has an Aunt and Uncle who are Okanagon Fruit heads. She gave me 4 gorgeous tomato's she got from them.
Baseball sized tomato's
      The movers got here and they unloaded. She has this giant Mexican armoire that's made out of I think, Ironwood cuz it weighs about 300 pounds. Between the hired help myself and my tenant Chris we manage to get it into her space. Through the middle of Chris and Tamara's living room. I got great tenants.
      And that's it. While Michele tried to get organized enough that she could get into her bed. With the occasional break on the front deck to enjoy the aroma of the Jasmine. Then Michele went down to her room and went to bed. And I wrote this entire blog on my cell phone. The punctuation is bad and I'm not sure how much damage the auto correct has done.
All told I drove 84 kilometers today it took me 3 hours and 37 minutes. My GPS told me so! Also I was kind of lame on the picture thing. You'll just have to actually read it!


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all

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