Return of the Fat Bastard - Badabadabada That's All Folks

April 14th 2017

For every ending there is a new beginning

      My thoughts these days weigh heavy on my mind. I've come to a point where I have to make decisions I'm not entirely comfortable making. I have to choose between something I love and something I love doing. Only a few years ago I would have had no problem with this. I would have stood up on my back legs and railed against the forces of evil Hell bent on bending me to their will. I would have fought back with all my strength against the false charges leveled against me. But that was then, this is now. Lately I feel old and tired. I don't have much in the way of fight left in me. The last 3 years have been one Hell of an adventure. I've been up and I've been down. I've been ill and I've been well. I've spent many joyous hours making music with my friends and just as much time apologizing and defending myself and/or feeling sorry for myself. The thing about problems is you have only 2 choices. You can work out that problem with the person you have the problem with and if that fails you eliminate the cause of the problem. I'm at the point where I need to eliminate the cause of the problem. 

     On that note I am going to retire the Fat Bastard Blog and reduce my nights out playing music. 

It's creating issues for me at home and I can't live with that. I'm going to focus on getting Santa Wears A Raincoat ready for publication before the Christmas season. The art work is looking great and the pieces are all lining up. I will keep you informed through FB and will soon have my own web page up. Where I will undoubtedly expound on all things Squatch. I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my stuff. Some was good some ....not so much, but all of it was real. Sometimes too real. Some people got their feelings hurt. For that I'm sorry. If you don't want me to comment on your behavior don't be a dick when I'm around. It's not like I set the bar very high. So in closing

Badabadabada That's All Folks

Peace Out Y'all

SQ

Return of the Fat Bastard- I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn

April 12th 2017

      I'm happy to announce that being a whiny petulant self absorbed baby can actually knock off a few pounds. I weighed 313 on Monday when I lost my mind by stepping on the scale. Tuesday morning I clocked in at 308.4

Yes, I know I didn't lose 5 pounds of ugly fat overnight. My head is still attached to my corpulent bloated carcass. Probably the Poop Fairy took an extra large deposit. Or the diuretics I'm taking for my kidney stones that make me pee 20 times a day have finally drained all of my bodily fluids leaving me a dried out husk of a man! Okay a huge husk of a man but a husk non the less. If my theory is correct this short self abusing paragraph has probably knocked half a pound off my fat ass! I need to stay on my diet and get active again.
      To that end I woke yesterday morning to the first sunshine I've seen in what seems like months. I looked out into the yard when I put the Ratdogs out to water the lawn and I swear that I could see the grass growing. Three times I have put my almost empty jerry can into the Rav 4 and three times I haven't put any gas into it. Instead I drove around for a day or so till the fumes from the can made me nauseous. Instead of filling it, I took it out empty and put it back in the yard near the lawn mower so I wouldn't forget to fill it. 3 times I've done that and still have no gas. Besides the weather was way too nice to mow the lawn.
      I phoned Duffy and Mr Peacock to see if a round of golf was in their imminent future. Duffy yes, Mr Peacock, not available. I arranged to meet Duffy, who is on 2 weeks of R&R, at Central Park Pitch and Putt at 11:45. I pulled into the parking lot just as my phone rang. It was Duffy. The course wasn't open. I looked through the windshield and could see Duffy walking towards me talking on the phone. He was 50 feet away! I don't think the phone was necessary. We hemmed and hawed for a few minutes. Drive across town to Kensington Park to play golf or hit Rivers Reach for lunch?  Golf it is! I followed Duffy on a circuitous route across the entire width of Burnaby. His shiny gold Accura an easy beacon to follow for me and any Pimps along the route!

Kensington Park Pitch and Putt

      The best deal in golf. $9.75 for 18 holes of Pitch and Putt. Duffy is 4 months from his 65th birthday and tried to get the dedicated employee of the City of Burnaby to give him the Seniors price that is $3 cheaper. No way Jose! The sun was shining, the course was mostly dry and we walked onto the course with no one in front of or behind us. I won the first 2 holes then Duffy beat me like a drum for the next 5 holes.

Duffy not quite 65

      We were rolling along at a good clip. Duffy was dropping shots onto the green like he knew what he was doing. I was playing like I'd never seen a golf ball before! How do you take a 7 on a 55 yard hole?! We had caught up to the group in front of us. A single who was waiting on every tee box for the threesome in front of him. On the 8th hole they let him play through. We sat on the bench in the sunshine crucifying the Canuck management and calling for Tiger Williams to replace Don Cherry on Hockey Night in Canada.
      A tiny old man snuck up behind us so we invited him to join us. Joseph was a 76 year old Irishman who was a golf nut. We talked about the Masters Tournament on the weekend and then settled in to solving the worlds problems. Joseph was quite a good golfer. He wasn't part of our skins game. Good thing because he was killing us.

Joseph and Duffy on the Tee Box

      A beautiful 2 hours spent with good company on a beautiful day. We had planned to go for a bite to eat but I was feeling guilty about not mowing the lawn so I begged off and headed for home. I stopped at Rona for a new rake. The last several wind storms combined with the Crows and Raccoons tearing up the lawn to get to the Chafer Beetle larvae have left the lawn looking like a neighbourhood in Aleppo. I tried to clean it up last week.  That's when I broke my rake. Not much I can do with a 2 foot handle on my rake. Sure, that's why I didn't rake .
     The Rona guy had no idea what I was talking about. "I need a new handle for my rake" I said. He stared at me like I had asked to bone his Mother! Then he spoke and it all made sense. His accent was incomprehensible. I nodded smiled and walked away. I walked around the store looking for a pole that would fit my rake head. 5 minutes later I asked another clerk and she sent me out into the yard. No handles. They did have 10 different rakes all different prices none in the right places. I picked a heavy duty steel rake that I thought was $19.99. I was wrong. It was $34.99. Now I'm standing at the counter wondering if I should buy this Caddilac of rakes or take it back and get a Lada! I handed her my VISA and payed the bill. Now armed with my shiny new rake and with a yard full of pine needles, cones, twigs and branches I dropped my shiny new rake on the lawn and went in and watched the BlueJays game. So much for raking. I didn't want to miss the Blue Jays losing yet another game. Edwin, Oh Edwin, why have thou forsaken us? By then it was too late to rake.

Michelle with One L

      The lovely Lisa and Michelle with One L were back from their Cypress Mountain ski trip. They went on and on about how beautiful a day it had been.

Breathtaking views of the city and for the first time all year they could see the Lions.

The Lions from Cypress Mountain

They've been in cloud or white out conditions the dozen or so times the lovely Lisa has been up there. She got her moneys worth out of her pass this year for sure. Cypress is done on the weekend. Monday is the last day. While they alternated between "what a fantastic day" and "my whole body is sore" I went off to make dinner. I had pulled a couple of Rib Steaks from the freezer in the morning and sat them out to temper. Always let your meat come to room temperature before you put it on the grill. It will be way more tender. While the BBQ was heating up I threw together a salad, peeled and boiled a couple of potatoes and prepped the gravy mix and the asparagus for steaming. We sat and had a nice dinner and then I got ready to go to Judge  Begbies for open mic. It was very slow when I got there. Gregg Gorrie was up and playing, he runs the open Mic. There was one other singer songwriter as well as Maureen on the Cajon, a girl with a flute and Klaus on Blues Harp. I had them all play with me over the course of my 7 song set. The girl with the flute, who's name I can't remember, did an excellent job on Paris my song about the Paris Terrorist Attack. It got busier a little later and by the time I left the Tavern Jayne the drummer was up playing his 12 string and singing and there were a couple more players on deck. I did a little shop at Stuperstore and was home and in front of the TV before 11. Helping Christian put up the TV brackets at their new house in the morning.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Here we go again!

April 10th 2017

      I am so upset with myself. I went to put on my favourite shirt and I was stuffed in it like 10 pounds of sausage in a 6 pound skin! I haven't gone near the scales in months and now I  know why. I think that subliminally I new I wasn't flying straight. Way too many carbs and calories. My stress relief has always been ice cream. I think I'll call the 30 pound creature I've grown above my belt line Baskin Robbins!
      Before I left the house I stripped down to my God given talents and avoiding the mirror on the back of the door I stepped towards the scale with the enthusiasm  a condemned man has as he walks towards the Hangmans noose. I reached out with my big toe to start the scale. It shot up to 15.6 pounds before it reset to 0.00. I was thinking if my big toe ways 15.6 pounds I must weigh a ton! Filling my head and lungs with air and taking into account the 4 pounds of hair on my head  I stepped onto the scale. The blue LED numbers spun madly past like some kind of Demonic Wheel of Fortune or Satan's Roulette. It finally came to rest on 313.0. OMG!! I thought I heard the scale screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO!! Turns out it was just me!
      I don't know if I'm angry or ashamed. I did this to myself. I've gotten really good at making excuses. It's true I've had a tough year health wise. Between the heart surgery and the multiple infections I have let the comfort food thing get out of hand. I just haven't been looking after myself the way I need to. So doing the math I have put back 43 of the 55 pounds it took me a year to lose. On the bright side it actually took me 23 months to pack on that 43 pounds. So....here we go again.
      I'm in a different situation than I was 2 years ago. For one thing Michelle with one L now lives in the green room, my former workout space. Tamara and Chris also have a year old baby that needs her naps or the entire house gets to enjoy the late night song stylings of Baby K. All at a decibel level that could shatter glass. Take my word for it. A 313 pound man flopping around like a tuna on a dock above your head makes a lot of noise. That has been another of the excuses I've been using to justify my fat lazy land slug lifestyle. I have to start back on my exercise program and right away. I might try the gym again. Today, the dentist.
      Not for me, for Mama Lee. Since she moved into the care facility she has been seeing the mobile dentist 4 times a year. Every visit comes with a bill of several hundred dollars after the insurance pays their share. I guess that's why they show up in the giant Mercedes Benz dental van. So I took Mama Lee to my dentist. Mama Lee's old dental work is excellent the newer stuff, not so much. As long as I have known Mama Lee she has been fanatical about her teeth. I think it's another example of seniors being exploited by the people who are supposed to taking care of their needs. Mama Lee won't be seeing them any more.My dentist was very patient with Mama Lee and we came up with a plan to take care of a few small problems. Mama Lee likes her too.
      The lovely Lisa was supposed to go skiing with Michelle with one L but Michelle with one L was called into work so the lovely Lisa went by herself. She has a pass and the hill closes on the weekend so she wants to get in as many days this week as possible. The mountain was empty. She headed up to the Double Black Diamond Top Gun run. She's been skiing since she was 5 years old. Michelle with one L and her are going up again tomorrow for sure. I'm hoping to get in a round of Pitch and Putt with Captain Peacock and Duffy at Kensington Park.
      I got home about 2 pm, replaced the E string on my Electric guitar, I broke it yesterday at the Ivanhoe on a particularly robust version of Love Monkey Blues, then made a grill cheese sandwich. A word of advice, don't use Pumpernickel bread. To start with it's brown! you can't tell when it's burnt until you smell it. I scraped off the burn and ate it any way. I took the Ratdogs to the park and then to visit with Mama Lee. On my way home I got text from the lovely Lisa she was on her way home from Cypress and was going to stop and see Mama Lee. By the time the lovely Lisa was home it was time for me to head over to the Heritage Grill for Open Mic. I hung out for a little too long and by the time I got to the grill I was 9th in line. By the time I got on stage there was no one left but my friends. I had Dale on Bass, Gregg on lead guitar and the talented cross dressing Jane on the drums. This was the third time in a week that Jane has played drums for me. All the players on stage had played Love Monkey with me before and we did a real tight rendition tonight if I don't say so myself. Then we played Walls Around Your Heart a little more complicated but a testament to the talents of these guys. They followed beautifully and Gregg did a real tasty solo on guitar. We finished our set with the Colonoscopy song. I've finally finished writing it. I made the last changes yesterday. Not big ones but a single word can change the story dramatically. I have an issue when I need to have the words in front of me. I can sing and play guitar, no problem. I can play the guitar and read the words. Again, no problem. I can read the words and sing as well. What I don't seem to be able to do is read the words, play the guitar, and sing. I end up not being able to do any of those things! That's what happened tonight. I had the first two verses down cold but the third verse was eluding me. I looked at my song sheet couldn't find the third verse starting playing the wrong chords and singing the wrong words in the wrong key. I got it back pretty quick by repeating the second verse and part of the third. Evidentley I am only capable of Bilateral function. Any more and I'm screwed! Here's a copy of the song I made for my proctologist Dr Goodwin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1LQZ3NntUQ

      I hung around just long enough to hear Jane's acoustic set. He did a couple of original humorus songs on a sweet sounding 12 string resplendent in a semi-transparent chiffon thingy over tights and a pair of black fuck me pumps with a 4" heel. His feet must have been killing him!
      The lovely Lisa was in bed half asleep when I got home just before 11 pm. I finished writing this and am now going to bed. Lamo in the picture department today. That's okay folks. Move along! Nothing to see here!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Wedded Bliss

     April 8th 2017

Cypress Mountain

      I couldn't be happier for Sharon and Thomas who today were joined in Holy Matrimony. They have been together off and on for the better part of 20 years. They made it official today in a small ceremony in the lounge on the 11th floor of Dunwood Place in New Westminster where Sharon lives. The views, even with the cloudy weather, were spectacular. I should have taken a picture. Try to envision the gentle slopes of New West rolling down to the mighty Fraser River. The landscape dotted with familiar landmarks. McDonalds, Grocery Stores and Gas Stations on every other corner. Well lit Oasis waiting to quench what ever thirst afflicts you.
      I'm off on this description binge because I still don't know how I feel about it. Sharon was my first love. My high school Sweetheart. Like a lot of first loves it didn't work out for us. Largely due to my immaturity and drug use. My actions made Sharons life expotentialy more difficult. She got smart around 1980 and took Jennifer and left. I was so fucked up I barely noticed. She made some questionable decisions in her life with me being the first and possibly the worst of those decisions. It's probably out of selfishness that I'm so happy for them. It eases the guilt I feel over the grief I've caused her.
      So when she was led down the aisle by our Grandkids and Jennifer with a smile on her face that lit up the room I felt a sense of relief that she was truly happy. Christian was Thomas's best man and Jennifer was Sharon's Maid of Honor. Christopher was the ring bearer and Isabella was the Flower Girl. Again, I should have taken a picture.
      It was a Civil Ceremony officiated by a Justice of the Peace so I didn't have to worry about bursting into flames! That comes in August when Jen and Christian renew their vows in a Catholic Church. They have powerful mumbo jumbo ju ju. I'll have to remember to wear a necklace of garlic.
     The ceremony took about 15 minutes and a few more for the signing of the papers.

Sharon and Thomas

And then it was done. They were Mr and Mrs Saunders.

Sharon and Thomas Saunders

      She briefly considered hyphenating her name but McDonald-Ward-Carpenter-Saunders wouldn't fit on the back of her Canucks Jersey.

      I'm writing this on my phone while sitting at the bar at the Ivanhoe. I haven't been in a dive like this since the last time I was at the Quinny in Cambell River! That was 30 years ago. That's not a comment on the quality of people just on the quality of janitorial work and maintenance.

For some reason my phone has decided to center everything. Maybe I can correct it on the computer later. Where was I? Oh yeah, there were nibbles to hold us till dinner was served at 4:30 the music was lame so I got GMcT's guitar from his suite and played until dinner. Roast beef dinner with all the trimmings and the amazing cake that the lovely Lisa created.

Thomas , Sharon and The Cake

Michelle with two L's and the lovely Lisa

After dinner and the dances it was time to go. The lovely Lisa and Bro Steve had tickets to Brian Wilson at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. We said our goodbyes and congratulations again and running late Lisa Andretti had us home in record time. She got into her Rock Chick outfit, tight jeans leather boots and jacket and a vintage tshirt. She was looking hot. Should have taken a picture. Again!

      After she headed off to meet Bro Steve I went to the Brownsville Pub. I have to say it's diveyness pales in comparison to the Ivanhoe what it lacks in general diveyness it makes up for in cranky Bartenderness. Yes I'm aware that I'm making up words yet strangely you all knew what they meant. When I walked into the Pub they were just setting up. Not the best sound I've come across but not the worst either. They started off way loud which sent the already cranky Bartender into a spewing volcano of four letter expletives that I believe made me blush, not to mention the physical impossibility of the acts she suggested should be done with that fucking guitar! 

      I was up early and as I introduced myself to the rest of the guys I was playing with I realised that I knew the drummer and the bass player from 25 years ago when I was hanging with Mike Locken and these guys rented a warehouse for a jam space. Man we had some parties there. I had Kelly, a guy I know from other jams, play lead guitar. All I can say is it lived up to it's name, we were jamming! Sometimes we were all in the same key! I had fun. The audience was appreciative. Then I went home in time for the lovely Lisa to get home from the concert.
      Sunday morning brought the invasion from Maple Ridge. Jen, Christian and Grandkids rolled in late enough that I had pants on and the Raptors game on th tube. Bella made a beeline for the couch and a fur blanket named Nutmeg. Christopher was in the spare room watching Spiderman. Jen was saying something about work but it was the third quarter of a tight game and neither Christian nor I heard a word she was saying.

Gramma Lisa Go Pro Ski Bunny

Gramma Lisa was loading the ski gear into the car for Bella's last day of skiing for the season. Christopher didn't want to go. He wanted to spend time with Jen because her new show is keeping her hugely busy. Besides he was told no more bunny hill! Double Black Diamonds only! I think maybe Bella made it sound like certain death for a green rookie like Christopher. Anyway they were meeting Bro Steve and a couple of friends on the mountain.

Bella and Bro Steve

The snow and the scenery was amazing. The Lovely Lisa said it was the best day of season. Fresh powder and clear skies. Bella said she was going to be on the Olympic Ski Team.....the Mexican Olympic Ski Team!

Olympic Dreams

      I went over to Mama Lee's after lunch. Had a visit then played guitar and sang for an hour. I did a little sing along with them for the first time at the end of my set. Good fun and left feeling good. Take that Ski Bunnies!
      While they were up recreating I was sitting at the bar at the Ivanhoe.

They do a great jam there. Good players and good sound. Leaning towards the Country side of things with the occasional side of Heavy Metal. Dave keeps things moving and on my set joined in on the harmonica while his wife Anne sang back up for me. Kelly sat in on lead guitar and it went much smoother than at the Brownsville pub. I always do the same 3 songs the first time I do a new room. So Brownsville and the Hoe back to back Kelly was right on time and rockin. Jane was on drums. She is a 6'2" 280 lb cross dresser with long auburn hair and a flowered brown smock that was quite flattering. I played with him last week at the Heritage Grill and he can drum. Great tempo and solid. It doesn't matter what your personal choices are a player is a player. Music unites us all.
      I'm headed out the door to take Mama Lee to an appointment with my dentist. They have a service that comes to her Care facility but it seems they are trying to pay for the fancy Mercedes-Benz van by mining the bank accounts of the residents. Pulling teeth and selling bridges and caps to 90 year olds. I just want my dentist to check her out.  It took me 3 days and I wrote this whole thing on my phone.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all