September 9th 2016
Coming to you from the OPAT clinic at Royal Columbian Hospital. I've been coming here every day for IV therapy. Today is day five. It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I'll try to bring you up to date without getting into detail or being too graphic. I spent the first two days after my hospital visit in pain. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think! Is there a direct link between your brain and your butt?.... I don't know. I do know that there is a direct link between pain and the magnitude of a Butthead I become. Except for the OPAT visits I was flat on my back in my bed. The rest of the time I was a miserable Bastard! The lovely Lisa made an incredible chicken soup from turkey stock that filled the entire house the aroma of love, or maybe garlic. I haven`t had much of an appetite but did enjoy a bowl of soup.
On the second day at OPAT the Doctor took one look at my butt and ordered a CT Scan. It has the same effect on most people. One look at my butt and they run away screaming! We were at home and I was back in bed when they called with a 5:00 CT Scan. We were in and out in 20 minutes. I was pleased it went well. the last CT Scan I had I broke the machine. I 400 lbs and when I was in the tube it wouldn`t come back out. I was pretty much filling the machine. I couldn`t even roll over. Finally a tech figured out the release and three of them pulled me out manually. That one was of the top of my spine, This one is of my left buttock glut so I only had to go half way in. I had lots of room in there. I could have had a party! The hardest part was getting there in the car. With Lisa Andretti at the wheel we spent as little time on the road as possible. Didn`t matter. The pain was constant and seemed to be getting worse. They had me stay back while they tracked down the CT Scan. Then they had me stay while they found someone to read the CT Scan.
After reading the CT scan and discovering a large abscess that had been hidden from their probing fingers they decided I needed surgery. Open Ass Surgery! Okay, I could have just said they were going to lance the abscess. But it's not very often you get to say Open Ass Surgery! The Doctor on duty that day was an eighty pound Asian woman who looked about twenty years old. On the bright side when I was on my side in the tuck position her work was right at eye level.Someone should invent a freezing that freezes your ass before they stick the freezing needle in! She went to work like a chef at Benny Hanas! Relief was immediate, nasty and messy. I went through a lot of panty liners in the next 24 to 36 hours. Maybe that's why they call them Always. And maybe I'm out of line here but I have had experience with five different types of panty liners in the last five or six days and the ones with the wings are by far the best. The best coverage and they stick really well to your panties, I mean underwear.
Since then I've been going to Royal Columbian Hospital every day at 10:30 for my intervenous therapy and have the doctor check my wound. Everybody's happy with the progress but not so happy that I don't have to go back for more intravenous therapy. It's Friday and this is the first day I've actually been able to sit down. Mostly I've just been lying in bed and pissing the lovely Lisa off with my incessant whining. And I ate a bunch of her chocolate.
That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all
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