Who's a Fat Bastard - Massaged, coated and I may say, partially aroused.

January 24, 2015

      Now that my adventures in caulk are over until Monday. I plan to do our tub and kitchen counters while Chef Boy R Lisa is at work. That way she won't be trying to "Help Me." That never works out. It doesn't matter if it's a project around the house or a meal in the kitchen, too many cooks spoil the soup! We almost broke up when we installed the crown mouldings! At any rate, I do my best caulk work alone.
      Still going to bed early and waking up seven hours later. I was up before 7:00 a.m. and sitting at the keyboard banging out my daily drivel. I think that the weather may have something to do with the change in my sleeping patterns. Even with taking vitamin D I get tired as soon as it gets dark. It's been dark for about a week now! I still have lots of energy during the day but fade pretty quick when the grey turns to night.
      It was my Ex wife Sharon's birthday on the 22nd and we were having a few people over for dinner and cards. Sharon is feeling much better and it was good to see her out. You may be wondering why I'm making dinner for my ex wife's birthday. It's because for thirty six years we have shared a daughter. She's a good person and raised Jennifer by herself while I was out going mental. She did a great job raising her and deserves to eat the great food I cook.
      The lovely Lisa was off to see Mama Lee and do a little shopping. Other than holiday occasions, when I am Scullery Squatch, we don't share the kitchen well. Chef Boy R Lisa has all the training and is compulsive about cleaning as she goes. I work on the ten second rule, the three second rule wasn't enough time for me to bend down and pick those shrimps off the floor. Especially when you're fighting off two Rat dogs!

Rat dog number one

Any way not to revisit the Crown Moulding Affair. I said I would take care of the entire meal. Idiot!
      I was dressed for my workout when on my way to the green Room I noticed the time. It was already after 1:00 and I'm supposed to have dinner for twelve people ready for 6:00. I went out to the fridge on the back deck and grabbed the two packs of ribs. I turned the oven to 450 degrees and chopped the ribs into two rib portions. I made my rub. There are few things a rib guy likes better than a good rub on his meat. It's a little dry at first but as you massage the rub into your meat, the natural juices lubricate your meat to the point where the rub clings to your meat.

Rub your meat

The rub I use is very flavourful but not overly spicy. Paprika is the base and a tablespoon of chili powder, some garlic powder, salt and pepper, a little tumeric and some onion powder. After they were fully massaged, coated and I may say, partially aroused. I put them on a racks on baking sheets, added water and into the oven they go.

I turn the oven down to 300 degrees and set the timer for thirty minutes. As I do not subscribe to Chef Boy R Lisa's code of kitchen cleanliness, I had a giant freakin mess to clean up! The timer went off just as I finished sweeping the last of the spilled spices off the floor.

I covered the ribs with tin foil and let them bake at 300 degrees for ninety minutes. To the Green Room I go.
      I had plenty of time to do my work out before I needed to get the rest of the dinner going so I decided that I needed to increase the number of sets I do of the floor exercises. Today I did fifteen sets. That's a 50% increase and I felt it. The front lifts where I start at my hips and go straight over my head were especially hard and painfull. It felt like popcorn popping in my shoulder joints. When I started I was worried that I was doing more damage but I can now lift both my arms over my head for the first time in a dozen years. Move it or lose it! That's what they say. Whoever "They" are.
200 One Stair Steps and a hard fifteen minutes on the Iron Maiden and my work here is done!

Post workout

      It was now 4:00. People will be arriving around 5:00 so I needed to get going on the rest of dinner. I was planning on doing rice because we have a rice maker. Put in rice and water and forget about it. My kind of cooking. Chef Boy R Lisa came home with a bag of potatoes. I made a Squatch Salad and a cole slaw then went to have a shower.

After my shower it was time to prep the chicken. I had about twenty five drums that I was doing a simple rub on. Montreal chicken spice, garlic powder, salt and pepper. The ribs were ready so I took them out of the oven and put them in a big corning wear casserole dish covered with tin foil, put the oven up to 400 degrees and put the chicken in. I'll put the ribs back in with the bread when the chicken is mostly done. I prepped the brocolli and I was done. Chef Boy R Lisa made her potatoes and our guests started arriving.

Some of the girls

      Jen, Christian and the Grandkids were first, followed quickly by everyone else. The dinner was served on timeish and the reviews were spectacular!

The lovely Lisa, Katy, Jen, Pen, Sharon and half a Gord

Even if I did write them myself. I know it was good because they were like animals! I had to tell M B Ho not to eat the rib bones! He's half Chinese, they eat anything! They went through the food like locusts on a wheat field!

No bread , no potato for me

      There was supposed to be cake. It was one of those, I'll get it, no you get it, so  nobody got it. Both Sharon and I are diabetic so not having cake was not such a bad thing. I offered to put a candle on a can of tuna but she passed! No pass coming from Bella and Christo. I was told in no uncertain terms that this was a party and where was the cake! Christian told them they could have popcorn later and that seemed to fix everything. Jen makes them popcorn at home on the stove. That's when Bella discovered my Lava Lamp. I don't turn it on that often.

Bella took the picture

Bella was mesmerised and so was Christo when he came to see where Bella was.
      We started playing cards and our first time guest Katy, being from Ontario knew how to play games with trump and joined right in. She fit right in with the gang, smart and funny. After the first game of Screw Your Neighbour, which I won. $18 thank you very much.

Another lucky winner

Christo was at the card table wanting to know where his popcorn was. The movie was going to be over soon and they were still waiting.
" Do you have any popcorn Dad?" Jen asked me. "There's some beside the microwave." I told her.
After a moment " This stuff expired in 2011" She bellowed from the kitchen. "They just put that on there because the law makes them" I responded "How sick can they get? I read on line that they planted corn they found in an Aztec tomb and it grew corn. It was online so it has to be true!" No popcorn for the grandkids, but wait, Gramma Lisa has party mix. Yay the day is saved. It's a party in you're mouth!!
      We played another game that Jennifer, the fruit of my looms, won. With nine people and two decks it takes a while to get through a game. Jen and Christian packed up the Grandkids and Katy made her exit as well. We played one more game with six of us, I won again and called it a night. Gord, Penny, Sharon and M B Ho all live within rock throwing distance of each other so they car pool. The lovely Lisa and I cleaned up the last of the dishes and made our way to bed. Saturday night at midnight. How old are we?

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - I do my best caulking when I'm fully erect!

January 23, 2015

When there was snow. Squidly on Cypress last year

      I'd build an Ark but I don't know what a cubit is and I don't care for cats. Every time it rains like this I envision another flood in the basement. We had three in the first six years we lived here. My office window looks out onto the back yard and the alley way. The rain drops were so big and coming down so hard you could see them bouncing off the pavement. The lovely Lisa and Bro Steve were planning to go skiing at Cypress but it was eleven degrees and raining hard, even at the top. We saw later on the news that even the snow from the Olympic snow making equipment was being washed away. Bro Steve and the lovely Lisa have season passes. It's starting to look like the season is going to pass without them being used. It happened once before. The no snow thing. Remember the 2010 Olympics? Then late February and March weren't so bad. I hope it happens that way this year. That damn Pineapple Express is cutting into her bottom line. So far she has skied for four hours. $300 for the pass, that means so far it has cost her $75 per hour. It sounds better than $150 per day. And she packs her own lunch!
      What to do, what to do? I spent the morning writing yesterdays blog. I wasn't planning on going anywhere in the rain and the lovely Lisa was here to offer suggestions as to what I might like to do. Or at least what she would like me to do. This is how repugnant I found her suggestions, I decided to get on the caulk! Yes that's right. The Caulk Master is in the house! I texted Tamara to see if this was a good time for me to come down and caulk her tub. She wasn't home but arrived a few minutes later. Caulk in hand I took my tool for cleaning the old caulk out of the crack, my caulking gun and a clean rag in case I needed to wipe up any excess caulk.

      I started on the kitchen sink because it's the right height. I don't like to be on my knees because of my arthritis. Especially when I'm dealing with caulk! I do my best caulking when I'm fully erect! I used the caulk removal tool I had just bought for the first time. It worked really well. I had that crack cleaned out and ready for fresh caulk in twenty minutes. I had put a new kitchen in the suite five years ago and I was happy to see everything was still tight and square. Sometimes the crack on an older one can expand, widen and get a little sloppy. You don't want to start then find out you don't have enough caulk to fill the crack! Fortunately that was not the case. The crack was tighter than a Nun's sense of humour! I had bought a caulking kit, besides the crack scraper it has an applicator head shaped like an Ace of spades. It works sweet. I filled that crack from top to bottom in a couple of minutes.

I swear if I had known it was going to be this easy I might have done it right away.
Yeah right, and lose four days worth of double entendres and adolescent penis metaphors? I don't think so!
      Flush with success I attacked the tub with enthusiasm.

Before Fresh Caulk

The old caulk doesn't come off the enamel as easily as it did off the counter top. I had to use multiple techniques and and quite a bit of fingering to get that crack ready for caulk. I even had to go at it with a chisel! I had that crack ready for caulk in about thirty minutes.

Caulk Master Squatch

      Having been the Caulk Master for close to an hour I came upstairs for a coffee break. Idiot! The lovely Lisa asked how it was going and I told her. Going on and on about how easy it was with the new tools and how happy Tamara was with the new caulk. Idiot!! "Do you have enough caulk to do me too? the lovely Lisa asked. "Tomorrow honey, I need at least twelve hours before I can caulk again." I said with a sheepish look. Hey, I'm getting older! The days when I could caulk for hours at a time are long gone. I went back down to Tamara's and finished caulking her tub. It looked pretty good.

After the caulking

I cleaned up the tools and put them where I couldn't see them in the hopes the lovely Lisa would forget about her desire to be caulked.
      It was after 3:00. I was going to/should have/didn't do my workout today. Instead I had a shower and a bite to eat. Hard boiled eggs, a tomato and an avocado. The lovely Lisa was still copying recipes off the internet, by hand. I offered to show her how to push the print button but she likes to write them out. I guess she feels more attached to the recipe that way, kind of like me and my caulk. I can't believe I fit another caulk joke in.
      At 4:00 I was banished to tiny TV town for the Raptors game. While I was watching Toronto get off to a slow start against the worst team in the league, the lovely Lisa was planning our evening. We were meeting Willie and Annie at Rivers Reach Pub in New Westminster. Annie was working until 8:00 so after the Raptors held on to win, the lovely Lisa and I watched a few episodes of Family Feud. At 7:30 we packed the Rat dogs into the car and left the house for the fifteen minute drive. We usually take the Rat dogs when we are meeting up with Willie and Annie so they can have a play date with Lincoln and Mac. We were still in the driveway when we got a text from Annie. She got off early and they were already at the Pub. They were half way through their first pint when we walked through the doors.

Prime Rib Dinner $12.95

Friday is prime rib night and I was primed for it. All that afternoon caulking works up an appetite! A nice meal and a couple of hours of conversation went by in a heartbeat. That's how it is with old friends. The talk is easy and flows freely. Willie is involved with Robbie Burns Day at the legion on Sunday. I believe he's doing the toast to the Lassies. They do a nice job and I go every year. They pipe in the Haggis. There are toasts, highland dancing and of course drinking, all set to the incessant screeching of the Bagpipes. I think that's why we Scots drink so much.
"Hey, Jock, how diz this soond" Squeezing a discordant note out of his sheeps bladder.
" Ach, Hold on Sandy" he replies quaffing a pint of Guinness. " Aye, it's sounds brilliant the noo"
      After dinner we went over to their place for a pot of tea and let the Rat dogs socialise. We headed for home just about midnight and went pretty much straight to bed.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Asleep in my chair before 11:00

January 22, 2015

Is this still on?

     I don't know what's going on with my internal clock. It's like I turned 58, and now I'm old. Two weeks ago I was up until 2:00 a.m. Now I'm asleep in my chair at 11:00! Fighting to stay awake for the late news. Next thing you know I'll be lined up for the Early Bird Special at Denny's! My day started way too early. I was in front of my computer at 6:18 a.m. That's still an hour later than yesterday. I was in bed before midnight. I was asleep about 11:13. I woke up in my chair with a green screen staring eerily back at me and moved my nightmares to the comfort of our king size bed. The lovely Lisa was already asleep and the Rat dogs had commandeered my half of the bed. Nutmeg is a cranky little bitch. Growling and fussing at me when I dare to take my pillow back. Elvis is like a rag doll. He pretty much stays where you put him. I think that's because before I started wearing a CPAP breathing machine at night I used to have a bad case of Jimmy legs, that's restless leg syndrome and I would launch him off the bed in my sleep. I would also kick the lovely Lisa once in a while. Whoa, and I think Nutmeg is cranky! Hell hath no fury like a woman who just got my rhino toe up her hoop!
      I never touched my caulk. I know, I should have been all over it. Tamara was out all day so I would have had the privacy I like while I'm caulking. It's not even the caulking part I don't like, it's the cleaning the old caulk out of the crack. I bought a tool kit for removing caulk and I am definitely going to do it today. I've milked this caulk thing enough.  Time to stop jerking off and get down to the business of caulking! I am Caulk Master. "I've come to fill your crack!"
      Writing the blog in the early morning is becoming a habit. Early morning is becoming a habit! That's what old people do. I remember when I was 14, I was up at Brian Green's farm in the Wasaga Beach area. It was about 4:30 a.m. when I looked out the bathroom window and saw Jimmy's Granddad shaking the rooster! That was funny because that's what I was doing in the bathroom. No, please, hold your applause till the end.

Kevin and Audrey's

      As I was wrapping up the blog the lovely Lisa informed me that we were going to Kitsilano to see Kevin and Audry. Kevin settled Adrian's affairs after he passed last year and had a few pieces of mail to give us. On our way we stopped to see Mama Lee. I had to drop off a check for her massage guy, because I'm not sure how to spell masseuse. The lovely Lisa stayed in the car in the hopes that I would be in and out. She was sitting out in the main room beside the fireplace when I came in. I asked her about her nails. She had the extensions removed and now she can dial her phone. She asked me to put the check in her room and while I was there I got the receipt for yesterdays lunch. I nearly crapped my pants! $106 dollars for two old ladies to have lunch! WTF!!! I have owned cars I payed less money for! It was at the Banana Leaf Malaysian restaurant. I thought they ate rice and fish! I staggered back to the car where the lovely Lisa was working up a fond "What the hell were you doing" I handed her the receipt. "That's not so bad" she said " "Really? $23 for a lunch entree and $36 for a 1/2 litre of wine?" I asked this person who had taken over the lovely Lisa.  "We quit a Dim Sum restaurant when it cost us $30 for lunch. It's two old ladies. They're a combined 152 years old! How much can they eat? " In a last attempt to soothe my shattered Scottish heart she said " We spent $150 dollars for dinner on your birthday" "Yes we did, dinner! At L'Abitoir one of Canada's finest restaurants. This was Chinese food lunch for two old ladies!"
      Moving on. We were as usual, running late. We were supposed to be at Kevin's at 1:00. We made it there at 1:30. He's a nice man and he had tea and biscuits ready. We had just missed his wife Audrey, she does exercise class at this time three days a week. There were only a couple of pieces of mail and we spent an hour catching up. We had left the Rat dogs in the car, planning our first visit to the dog beach this year. We took the back way up through UBC stopping at a Blenz so I could get a coffee. It seems there 's a lot of properties for sale out there including some huge estates with amazing views.
      The dog beach was a swamp. Not the beach, the grass leading over to the beach.

Dog Beach Swamp

There is a cinder path that runs along the waters edge but no path across the lawn to get to it. I hadn't gone twenty feet when I got my first of many soakers!

Wet feet

 It was another day of wet air. The clouds were so low on the North Shore mountains you couldn't even see them.

Where did the mountains go?

The Rat dogs were cold after thirty minutes or so and were ready to go.

Elvis is part sponge. On his mothers side I think. This five pound dog weighed about ten when I started squeezing the water out of him.

A cool looking log

Once they were cleaned up we were on our way to Tentatsu for a very late lunch. I had eaten breakfast, hard boiled eggs and avocado, but the lovely Lisa had only eaten a yogurt and two biscuits at Kevin's. She's so bad like that, often eating only once a day. Maybe that's why she turned the wrong way. Not to worry, Lisa Andretti always knows a short cut. Our destination was north and east of our present location on 4th Ave. So when Lisa Andretti saw the Police lights three blocks ahead, she turned south and west to avoid them. Onto a dead end street, then with her catlike reflexes she swung us into the alley so we could sit behind a garbage truck for a while.

We made our way up to Broadway where we got to stop at every light and behind every body who was turning left. Lisa Andretti like the left lane. It's the passing lane! Only not on Broadway at 4:00 in the afternoon. The only thing passing was time!

We turned left on Cambie then meandered through China Town and over to the Down Town East Side where we weaved in and out of the pedestrians who wander out into the street at random moments.

      We finally arrived at Tentatsu. It was now after 4:00 and I had chicken left out for dinner at home. It will hold another day. We ordered off the lunch menu .

More food than we could eat for less than $20. Mama Lee and her friend could eat here for a whole week! Sorry still pissed!

      We got home full of Japanese food and not the least bit interested in dinner. The lovely Lisa went on line looking for desert recipes for 120 people and I went down to do my workout.
      I recorded one set so you can see exactly what I do. The stills don't really show it. It's not pretty!

http://youtu.be/kptKs4T2tVk

That's what I do combined with 200 One Stair Steps, riding the Iron Maiden and walking the lake it seems to be working. As long as I stay away from the carbohydrates. My friend Sandie pointed out that not only do I put on weight when I eat carbs, I also lose my sunny disposition. I realised she was right. I feel slower and definitely have a shorter temper when I don't eat properly. I put it down to being pissed about putting on a couple of pounds. Now I'm thinking it's a physical reaction to the carbs. More subtle than when I tossed my cookies after my pizza binge but still???
      I was sitting around naked under my bathrobe, drinking No Joe and thinking about caulk when the lovely Lisa announced she was going to bed. I got into the shower twenty minutes later and was asleep in my chair before 11:00

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward    

Who's a Fat Bastard - It's still dark out and the buses aren't even running yet.

January 21, 2015

Sailing on Como Lake

      Early to bed early to rise! Why? There's nothing to do. Unless you want to hear about Jesus or watch yesterdays hi-lights on a loop, there's nothing on TV. The lovely Lisa is still in bed after an eighteen hour shift so I try to not even breathe too loudly. I went to bed at 10:30 last night. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. A good nights sleep would do me a world of good. I was up at 5:12 am. It turns out my bladder doesn't care what time I go to bed. Six hours of sleep and my eyeballs are floating. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and bored out of my skull. It's still dark out and the buses aren't even running yet. 

Still dark out

I sat in the semi darkness of the living room, the only light coming from the 25 watt bulb over the stove. I had tried to go back to bed but Nutmeg had curled up on my pillow the second I got up. I was wide awake at any rate. That was this morning. I'm here to tell you about yesterday.

      I was up early yesterday as well, not as early, but early. I went to bed just after midnight and was up at 7:00. Chef Boy R Lisa was up and gone at 2:45 so I made a cup of insta Joe and wrote yesterdays version of my existence. I started the day by kicking myself in the ass for being such a whiner the last couple of days. Nothing is less becoming than self pity. Poor me, I put on five pounds Wha, Wha! Suck it up Alice. A visit from the Poop Fairy and I'll be down two, maybe three pounds! I did what I've done since May 2. I wiped my tears and pulled on my big boy pants and got on with getting on.
      I was well on my way to finishing yesterdays blog when Bro Steve called. He was taking Mama Lee downtown to have lunch with a friend. I had the legs to her wheelchair in my truck and he needed some cash for Mama Lee. I met up with him at 10:30 at Mama Lee's. He was taking her there and had arranged to have the Handi-Dart pick her up after lunch. I went home and finished my blog.

Tools of the caulk trade

      I stared at the tubes of caulk trying not to make eye contact. I had two very good reasons for avoiding this particular job. One, I hate doing caulking. Two, it gives me time to make some more caulk references/ jokes. I had told Tamara that I was going to caulk her tub on Saturday. On Monday I went out to the shed to get the caulk and it had gone hard. Now, I know you would think that hard caulk is a good thing. But it's not. I kneaded and massaged it hoping it's silicone goo would spurt forth. Nothing. They should make Viagra for it. Tuesday I went and got some fresh caulk. Ready for the shower in three hours. They have stuff that's ready in thirty minutes but I wasn't in the mood for a quickie! It was too late in the day to start caulking so I put it off for another day. Sooner or later I'm going to have to caulk that crack. I hope I have enough caulk. Our house is the same age as me and I can't imagine how much caulk it would take to fill my crack! 
      I put on my workout gear and hit the Green room hard. Like I said, I put on my big boy pants. Which was ironic because I was wearing shorts. I had trouble getting started today. 

Smile or Grimace

Every ten reps I was thinking, it's too hard today. So I did what I always do when I have an unpleasant task ahead of me. One at a time, left, right, left, right until it's done. Ten sets of ten reps of my five different floor exercises. Sometimes I think that they are really helping my shoulders and sometimes I think that I'm doing more harm than good. With every stretch my shoulders sound like someone's popping bubble wrap. And the shooting pains that accompany it are a little bit annoying. I do have much more mobility now. I can lift both my arms over my head. It's been several years since I could do that. 200 One stair steps. Does that sound like a lot? It's by far the most cardio that I do. I wanted to quit after every twenty-five reps. As usual I was doing laundry so after 100 reps I flipped it over to the dryer and reloaded the washer.

Laundry boy

I was going to skip the last hundred and just ride the Iron Maiden but I seem to be running on a fuel called guilt. I kept saying to myself, "It's just like golf, the only person you cheat is yourself!" On wobbly legs I finished and then rode the Maiden for an episode of Lilyhammer. I don't know how much good the Iron Maiden really does, but I can watch shows that the lovely Lisa doesn't like. Dripping with sweat I hit the shower. 

      I made myself a lunch of Italian sausage and eggs. I bought the sausage out of the used meat section at Cheap Thrills. I got twelve sausages for $4.10! Not only was my belly happy, my Scots wallet was too!

      In my quest for redemption from my birthday binge I packed up the Rat dogs and headed to Como Lake. It was a beautiful day today. Temperature in the low teens and the sun shining brightly. There were a ton of dogs there today. Okay not a ton. There were mostly Rat dogs there today. It would take hundreds of them to make up a ton. It took about twenty-five minutes to go around the first time. Bums to sniff, grass to water 

A pee machine

and for Nutmeg, Goose Poop to roll in. 

What can I say....disgusting

Yes, the geese are back. 

And so are the model boaters.

Halfway around the second time I ran into my back door neighbours Bob and Claudette, They're a nice retired couple who live across the lane from us. They have a cottage at Stave Lake and spend a lot of time there, particularly in the summer. I walked with them, talking about the changes to the neighbourhood over the years and about their walking program. Bob has been walking for a while but this was Claudette's first day. She did great. I ended up going three times around. The last one dragging Nutmeg. They started up the wood chipper across the lake and she lost her tiny mind. I wonder what people think when they see this giant man dragging this tiny little dog, tail between her legs around the lake. I was so busy dragging Nutmeg I didn't notice that the head had fallen off my bag bone. 
      I went to the Loony Store. For those of you readers that don't live in Canada that's a dollar store. But with the drop in the value of the Canadian dollar, they don't sell anything for a dollar anymore. I bought a new bag bone and some extra bags and a raincoat for Elvis. The Rat dogs are still hosting the Flea circus so I stopped at the vets for some Advantage. $95 for a six month supply. That's for a six kilo dog. I have two three kilo dogs. You do the math. The vet says it doesn't expire and that three months usually does the trick. 

Bag Bone 

      It was just after 5:00 when Chef Boy R Lisa texted me my Ho warning. I turned the oven on to 400 degrees in case the lovely Lisa wasn't bringing any food home. I had chicken at the ready. I didn't need it. The lovely Lisa brought home a pile of ginger pork and some salad and some white chocolate macadamia nut cookies that she made and warned me under penalty of death not to eat.      
" I made those for work and I don't have any freezer space on the truck" she said. "How is this my problem" I asked myself. " I wouldn't do that " I said to the lovely Lisa. " Bullshit, I put thirty nine blondies, (That's a brownie made with caramel, OMG they're good) in the freezer and when I took them to work there were only nineteen left!" She said accusingly. "Evaporation?" I suggested. 
"I'll evaporate your ass if those cookies go missing!" I don't even know what that means.

     After a nice meal of Ginger Pork and Squatch salad we watched a little tube with the lovely Lisa nodding off on the couch. It worked out well for me because I got to watch the end of the Raptors game. They lost. Fortunately we play Philly next and they really suck!
      The lovely Lisa trundled off to bed about 9:00 and I was down for the count about 10:30 which is why I was up at 5:12 this morning.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

     

     

Who's a Fat bastard - I don't have that much brain to spare!

January 20, 2015

Sunset in Hawaii

      After my two day mental implosion I'm feeling much better. Thanks for the concern. I put myself into a place that I didn't need to be. I lost sight of the purpose of my writing this blog. It's supposed to be a platform for me to express myself and my feelings as I try to get healthy. I managed to turn it into an obligation that eats away at my brain. After forty years of various and assorted chemical indulgences, I don't have that much brain to spare! 

Lovin Cockatoo's in OZ

      I woke up this morning with a Rat dog on my chest. That would make a good blues tune! The sun was shining brightly and all was good with the world. Christo was back to normal after his concussion symptoms dissipated. He gave every one a scare. Sharon is feeling better and waiting to see a respirologist. Chef Boy R Lisa's work schedule is even more brutal than usual. She got home at 7:30 last night and her wake up call was for 1:15. I'm thinking that all the stuff going on around me was making it very difficult for me to keep my focus. 

Lovin the lovely Lisa at the Golden Gate Bridge

      When I got out of bed my focus was on getting a cup of Joe into me. I had a whole shopping list of mindless, though necessary errands that needed to be done. I left the house with a cup of Joe to go and loaded the empty cans into the back of the truck. I also had a dead printer, two VCRs and several broken light fixtures that the recyclers won't pick up out of the blue box. My first stop was the bottle depot. We have a couple in the neighbourhood but only one that sorts and counts the empties for you. There were at least ten people in front of me, some with a dozen bags of empties. I had one bag. I wasn't interested in waiting thirty minutes to collect the $4 for my lone bag of empties. I gave them to a woman with six bags of her own. You would of thought I bought her a bike for Christmas! She was still thanking me as I drove away. I had a plan. It wasn't working out. I was going to use the refund money to buy a stamp to mail a birthday card to Singapore. I had nothing in my wallet but plastic. I went to the bank, it was on the list anyway, made a deposit and took out some cash. The bank is right beside Rona and I needed to buy some caulking for the bathtubs. I was also looking for these light bulbs they sold out of at Christmas. They throw multi coloured lights like a mirror ball. Still sold out. So, caulk in hand, sorry I couldn't resist. Maybe there's a business here. I can see it now "Caulk Master, Let me fill your crack" Now that's a catchy slogan. Did you know it costs $2.65 to mail a Birthday card to Singapore. Now you do.

Twenty year old promo shot

       All of this took place at the top of Blue Mountain. The electronics recycling is at the bottom of Blue Mountain and so is Woody's. I had a plan perculating in my lizard brain. It was 11:15, I hadn't eaten, I had a truck full of dead machines and I was picking up Mama Lee for our nail appointment at 12:30. I dropped the machines of at the Return It Depot and drove around the corner to Woody's for a quick bite.
      Vicky runs the place and was the first person I saw when I walked through the door. I've known Vicky for thirty years. Going back to the days of Avanti's on Commercial Drive. She and her staff were putting together the seating plan and reservations for the Super Bowl Party. "I was just thinking about you" she said when she saw me. "Yes please, table for six with a view of the big screen." done and doner. Ten wings and a pint of Coors light later and I was off to my pedicure. 
      In a rare, may I say nearly unprecedented turn of events, Mama Lee was ready when I got there. That put us in the salon twenty minutes early. Mama Lee has been getting these nail extensions for years. With the progression of her disease the nails are interfering with her ability to use her phone or even pick something up. She was having them removed and her natural nails manicured. We're hoping that is going to help. 
      I had a different girl doing my pedicure today. She was chattier than most. Maybe because her english is better than most of them who work there. Her name was either Kai li or Gai lin. She has been in Canada eleven years, she's from a large city in Viet Nam, she's thirty-one years old and her boyfriend is a longshoreman who's bad with money. And the lovely Lisa says I never listen to anybody! Forty-five minutes later I feel like I have brand new feet. I used to go to the pediatrist. It cost twice as much and I had a creepy bald guy looking like he was having way too much fun with my feet. Cute Vietnamese girls are better.
      I had a little bit of time while they finished off Mama Lee so I went to Walmart to get her a few things, hand lotion and Q tips. As she often does Mama Lee wanted a McFlurry on the way home. I did the drive through. I was salivating as the snack size Rolo McFlurry was passed to me by the pimply face adolescent manning the window. I am still in recovery mode after my Birthday week binge. I dropped Mama Lee off, went home and had a pear an Avocado and an apple for lunch. 
      I needed to do a couple more things for Mama Lee and I needed to do them before the Canucks game at 4:30. Mama Lee wants a day timer. I went down to Staples and got her one. It's pink and has flowers on the pages. Then I went to the loony store and bought two different styles of eye glass strings. I took them to her at her place. She liked the Day timer. Wasn't sure about the strings.
      Two laps of Como Lake with the Rat dogs and I was in front of the TV before 5:00. That's just enough of a cushion that I can rewind to the start of the game and duck most of the commercials. It was a dull game that the Canucks lost. 

I've used this before but I love this pic

      The lovely Lisa arrived home from work just as the game ended. An eighteen hour day and a wake up call for 2:45. She showered and went to bed immediately. It's 8:00, the game is over and my level of motivation is nil, nada, zilch. I had a really nice Spinach Salad for dinner. Watched a little tube and was in bed by 11:30. I was still in a funk most of the day. I never took a single picture. So once again I just stuck some random pictures into the text. Don't try to make them fit the story....they don't!

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

      

Who's a Fat Bastard - May 1, 2015

January 18 / 19, 2015

      There was excitement in the air. Today was NFL Championship Sunday. When I rolled out of bed I slipped into my Seahawks Jersey.

The Seahawks were going to be in tough today against the Green Bay Packers. With the smell of drippy Joe filling the air, I turned on the NFL Today to hear what the talking heads had to say.

They all said it was going to be Seattle and New England who were going to win today. I didn't believe them. I went across the street to the 7-11 and put $10 on Seattle and Indianapolis. The first game started at noon.

      And that was it! I wrote the above paragraph Sunday night and haven't written anything since. After the Seahawks game I got a call from Karen in Campbell River. Stu was on his way back from two weeks vacation in Palm Springs and doesn't know how to read an itinerary. It's 7:00 twice a day. Stu picked the wrong one. New England proceeded to beat up the Colts. I stared forlornly at my half right ticket. It wasn't even half time and there was no miracle recovery coming. 

      The phone rang in the middle of the Seahawks game. It was Christian telling me that they were at the hospital with Christo. The Grandkids were playing in their room when Christo fell awkwardly and was knocked unconscious for ten seconds. He was awake and throwing up. They spent close to eight hours in emergency while he was under observation. Thank God he has a Ward head! There's probably a dent in the floor. Jen called when they were home and the little big guy had bounced right back. Bella was so upset " I almost killed my brother" she said teary eyed. She was more upset than Christo.

      It was 6:30 when the lovely Lisa went to bed. Her wake up call was set for 1:15 a.m. I had to leave for the airport to pick up Stu at 9:00. There was no traffic and I made it to the airport twenty minutes early. $4.50 per half hour to park. That's almost as bad as hospital parking! Stu came through customs all smiles and no tan. How do you spend two weeks in Palm Springs and come home whiter than when you left? That's Stu. Two pack habit and a Condo tan. He told me he went to the pool every day. He must have went in a Burka!

      I haven't seen Stu since August so we had a lot of catching up to do. He looked really good, except for being the colour of a coho salmons belly. We sat up until the wee hours talking. Stu went to bed just before Chef Boy R Lisa got up for work. That's when I wrote the first paragraph. You know. Get a head start on the blog.

January 19, 2015  

      It's now Tuesday morning. I feel like I just came off a three day bender. I think I'm getting that thing that's going around again. What do you call that? Oh yeah. Food bingeing. When you add that to the disappointment of weigh day, I was in a funk that lasted all day. My day started at 10:00 when I got up and made a pot of drippy Joe. That's when I weighed myself. Stu got up shortly after that. I had booked him a flight back to Campbell River on Pacific Coastal airlines. It was leaving from the South Terminal at 12:30. After I dropped Stu off I turned around and went home to that lying, stinking scale! 

     It would appear that Birthday week has extracted a high price for the few moments of pleasure it provided. "You have to have a slice of cake. It's your birthday" I heard repeatedly from the people who love me and evidently feel I was getting too thin?  It's not about the four or five pieces of cake I had. It's about priming the pump. Once I started putting it in, it just kept going! I would walk past a plate of sugar coated chocolate bombs and they would mysteriously end up in my mouth. They're so small. How much harm can they do? I'll tell you. Five pounds worth of harm. That's like a pound a day! Pissed at myself! 

      Well, it's a new day. I need to get back on track. I don't know why I thought I could eat like that and not put on weight. Especially when my wish, when I blew out the candles, five or six times, was to enjoy this wonderful diet cake! Idiot!

      After Stu left I was in a real funk. I packed up the dogs and headed to Mama Lee's. It wasn't the best thing to do. Mama Lee's mobility is becoming more limited all the time. She wants a new wheelchair but the problem is not the chair. She's just not physically able to move herself any more. I had a discussion with Virginia, the head nurse about the chair. She had checked it out the chair and it worked fine. I made a nail appointment for Mama Lee and a pedicure for myself Tuesday at 1:00. She started listing off the concerts she wanted to see and gifts she needed to buy and stuff I don't even understand. I left more frustrated than when I arrived. 

      I took the Rat dogs to Como Lake. The sun was shining and it was twelve degrees. 

I walked around the lake a couple of times lost in thought. I was having doubts about the whole blog writing thing. I was thinking about the commitment of time and looking for a way out. It usually comes pretty easily. Lately it's been more of a struggle. My life has settled into winter hibernation mode. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Doing the same things over and over again. I started thinking about how to end this project and I have decided my last Who's a Fat Bastard blog will be May 1, 2015. That will be one year of blogs. Just putting it into writing takes a weight off my shoulders. I need to lose another ten pounds before I slip into my leopard skin thong. I hope I make it before I wrap the blog up. 275 pounds. That's my goal.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward