January 26th 2017
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| On my way to my Anal probing. Yay |
I survived the first of my probings. Actually, I did better than survive. I didn't find the prep or the procedure bad at all. I had one twelve years ago but had blocked it out. The only thing that bothered me was that after taking the first laxative Monday night, I was afraid to leave the house. I had planned to go to the Heritage grill to play my new Colonoscopy song. Twenty minutes after I took the laxative I changed my mind! I also had to turn down an audition for Tuesday for the same reason. This was just two Ducolax tablets. I hadn't even gotten to the powdered Nuclear powered stuff! I was on the clear liquids only diet starting Monday night. I foraged in the deep freeze and came up with a zip lock baggie full of Chef Boy R Lisa's turkey stock. This one was from last Christmas. It was really good. So much flavour. Apple juice, yellow Gatorade, ice tea and water rounded out my diet for thirty six hours.
At 3:00 pm I took the powdered laxative. You mix the pouch with one liter of water. Some people have told me you can mix it with Ginger ale or Apple juice. I called the screening people at the Cancer Society and they told me "mix with water only." As the memory of my first probing, twelve years ago, came flooding back I recalled how hard it was to get that potion down. It tasted soooo bad! She lady on the other end of the phone told me it tastes much better than it used to. I used the water out of the fridge because they say cold water makes it taste better. I mixed it up and mmmm not bad. I needed to drink the whole thing within an hour at ten minute intervals. It has a mild lemony taste that I didn't mind at all. It might be okay with Tequila! I had it all down in forty minutes.
It wasn't working! The Poop Fairy was supposed to be hovering above me making my life a Liquid Fecal Hell! Nothing! I am supposed to take the second dose at 3:00 am. I set my alarm and couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in bed. I finally went into the living room and turned on the TV. I watched recorded episodes of NCIS until it was time for my dose. It was a little harder to get down the second time around. Not because of the taste but because of the huge quantities of liquid that I had been putting into my body. It took me close to an hour to get that second dose down. Still nothing.
I set my alarm for 7:30 am and tried to get to sleep. Dreams of Aliens probing my orifices with their unnecessarily long fingers. About 5:00 am I realized one of the Aliens was actually the Poop Fairy. I almost made it! Let's leave it at the Doctor will have a nice clean colon to poke around in. And I had a nice early morning shower. I drifted in and out of sleep until the alarm went off at
7:30 am. I did what bears do in the woods...if they have Dysentery or some other Gastro intestinal disorder. I was starting to stress about making it to Langley Memorial Hospital. Another ride on the porcelain Porche then yet another shower! By the time we left for the Hospital with Lisa Andretti at the wheel my stomach was growling and my colon was empty. We crossed the bridge over the Fraser, the toll collected automatically. Bastards!
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| Toll this Ya Bastards! |
I asked him Why?
He said I'm mad at my Nurse! Bada Bing
The IV went in and I was good to go. They had me assume the position. They administered the sedative and within minutes I was at peace with the world. The Doctor came in introduced himself, explained the procedure, whipped out six feet of Garden Hose and got down to it. " Yo Doc, don't spare the lube! " I am totally awake and not the least bit concerned about what's happening at my backdoor because I'm staring at a big screen, Hi Def TV five feet away. On this screen is the inside of my body. " Hey Doc, do you get HBO on that thing" I quipped. He chuckled and started talking to the Nurse about her mothers recent surgery, his last vacation and her upcoming Wedding all the while playing a giant video game in my ass! I watched the whole thing. Apparently I have a nice pink colon. Full of polyps. Some of them quite large. He removed three of the larger ones and put in six staples. I watched the whole thing in HD. It was like a guided tour of my insides. The Doctor moved the camera through me like he was playing Pac Man. Into this nook over to that cranny. Whatever a cranny is? I could have easily stayed for a double feature. The removed tissue is being sent to the lab. He said there is no sign of Cancer but I will need to have one or two more procedures to remove the remaining polyps. I knew my Ex was wrong I'm not a perfect asshole!
After the procedure I was made to wait thirty minutes before the lovely Lisa was allowed to take me home. I felt pretty good. Physically, thanks to the extra lube, I felt good. Mentally, I felt great! It took four months after they first notified me that there was a problem for me to get the colonoscopy. Four months of worry and stress. If I do say so myself my imagination was running wild. Bad dreams and bad sleep. I saw that beautiful pink colon and listened to the Doctor discussing his vacation in Belize and realized everything is going to be Okay! I had Lisa Andretti stop at the Stuporstore for some comfort supplies. I have the post procedure paperwork in my hand and it clearly states on foods to eat the first day, ICE CREAM! The lovely Lisa doesn't approve of me eating Ice cream so I rarely get to have it. The lovely Lisa is always looking out for me and her insistence on me taking care of myself is probably the reason I'm still here. Rice cakes, Ice cream and a few things Chef Boy R Lisa needs for the soup she is making me.
Once I was home I had a shower put on my pajamas and had a nap. I awoke to the smell of soup. Chef Boy R Lisa made my two favorite soups. Scotch Broth full of lamb, potato and carrots and Split Pea with so much ham in it you could reassemble a pig!
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| Split Pea Soup |
No relevant pictures. O notified the Papparazzi but they didn't show!
Some people said they had a hard time hearing the lyrics to the Colonoscopy song. Here's the Lyrics and a better version of the song. It won't let me just post the song by itself so I had to make it a movie. Peaceful scenes from around Vancouver.
The Colonoscopy Song
My Doctor said now listen up this is what you’ve got to do
Next time you sit on the throne scrape up a little pooh
Put it in this fancy vial and take it to the lab
Two weeks later I got a letter and this is what it said
The letter told me not to worry this is just routine
It said they’d phone and tell me just what the test had seen
They tried to sound so nonchalant but I’m no body’s fool
They never called and I want to know what’s living in my stool
They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.
The fateful day’s arriving no time to whine or pout
That nuclear powered laxative sure did clean me out.
They’re doing me in Langley so I have to pay the toll
It just seems wrong to pay six bucks while they poke around my hole
They put me in a cubicle and handed me a robe
Strip down to your birthday suit we’re going to do the probe
The robe was open in the back as I sauntered down the hall
I let them see the full moon because I have no shame at all
They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.
They put an IV in my arm My heart pounding like a train
They added in the sedative so I would feel no pain
I went out and they went in, now I have no memory
Of the day I had my Colonoscopy
They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.
Did I mention that I’m getting it for free?
Hey Doc! (pause) I’ll take three
That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all
©2017 Dave Squatch Ward
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