Return of the Fat Bastard - 1 inch of Rat tail

September 27th and 28th 2016

Santa Squatch

      I seem to have fallen into a mid morning wake up pattern it was 10:30 when I rolled out of bed the last two days and only then because I had a pair of urine filled Ratdogs dancing on my chest! In my defense, I did stay up until 3 am when Chef Boy R Lisa got up for work. As is my perusual I let the Ratdogs out the back and made myself a cup of Instant Jo. Made my way to the living room and turned on the TV to CTV news. Once again there was no good news in the news today. All the Excited States stations, CNN, FOX,  MNBC all claiming their guy/gal won the debate. I don't know who won, but I know who lost. Anyone who watched that piece of juvenile crap ! Including me! I taped it and I lasted thirty five minutes before I switched to an episode of Elementary. Ultimately it looks like Death by CHI CHI for our American cousins.
      Second cup of Jo in hand I watered the plants on the deck and did my Rat patrol. One of the traps was missing and the other one was sprung! No Rat! The missing trap was pulled up tight to the deck box and was empty. Or was it. On closer inspection there was about one inch of Rat tail on the trap.

1 inch of Rat tail

 Okay, that's kind of gross. As I write this I am aware that there is a dead Rat in the trap that I put back in place. I wonder if it's the same Rat? I'll have to check it's tail.I think it will tell me a lot about how smart a Rat is. If some one lopped off the end of my tail on my way to dinner, I might find a different restaurant! I'm going to go get the Rat now.

Adios Ratmigo!

This guy has it's full tail. Perhaps "Stumpy" learned his lesson.
      I did nothing on Tuesday. Well not nothing I went and had a visit with Mama Lee and did a little shopping. I watched the Blue Jays game and then the Canada / Europe Hockey game while I waited for the lovely Lisa to get home. I had dinner half done when she texted me she was on the way home with Prime Rib, I like Prime Rib! I had already put the potatoes on and the corn on the knob was ready to go. I put the steaks I was going to BBQ back in the fridge, we'll have them tomorrow. When the lovely Lisa was home I whipped up a packaged gravy, just add water, while the lovely Lisa settled in after a fourteen hour day. We ate our dinner in front of the TV watching the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory. Then the lovely Lisa was in bed. It was after 8:00 and I had planned to go to Judge Begbies Open Mic in New Westminister. It's a very laid back venue that attracts a lot of singer / songwriters. I wouldn't get there until after nine and then might not get on. So I watched all three NCIS's. Chef Boy R Lisa's call time was pushed by an hour so I went to bed about 1 am.
      I am going to stop writing now. It's noon Wednesday and I have some errands to run for Chef Boy R Lisa. To quote Arnie "I'll be back!"
      "I am Back" I did a 3 hour loop through New West and Burnaby. It started at the Caribbean Market on 12th St. I was on a mission for Hot Sauce, more exactly Matouk's Calypso Sauce. Through the front doors into a tidy little store, bright and airy with several well stocked shelves including the largest selection of Matouk's I've ever seen.

An amazing selection of hot sauces at Caribbean Market 

I texted, then phoned Chef Boy R Lisa to see how much she wanted. "Load up" she said. I took one large and two table size Calypso and one each of two other Matouk's hot sauces. At the register the salesgirl said with a Jamaican accent that made me think of my teenage years. "You missed one a dem" "Pardon me?" " Der be five Matouk's, you got just four. Dat one you don't got is the hottest. It will take the fur off a cat!" "Alright, I'm not using it!" If you like the Jamaican flavours this is the place to go.
      It was a straight line down 12th until it turns into Kingsway and the Great Canadian Wholesale club is at Royal Oak. Six jugs of degreaser and two cutting boards, in and out in ten minutes. Back towards New West and Edmonds Avenue to Sherret Plumbing supply for new bolts for the old new toilet seat. When Mama Lee first lived with us we remodeled the bathroom. The new toilet seat was auto soft close. Really, state of the art. It broke two days in so I took it back. They gave me another seat and didn't want the old one back. So in the spirit of Scotsmen and hoarders I fixed the old seat and put the new one in the attic. Now the lovely Lisa has decided we need to put the new one on even though the old one works perfectly. So the new one is actually ten years old. I tried to change it out on Saturday but it has a different kind of bolts. The kind that we have somehow lost. The kind they don't make anymore. Instead they sold me an adapter kit.
      I hadn't eaten yet today and it is Whopper Wednesday. That wasn't the plan but when I drove by the one in New West the car went all Christine on me and next thing I knew, I was getting Whoppered!

Whopper Wednesday

Hey, it's not like I'm living on the things. They have good fries too.
      I was home in time to fold the laundry and water the plants before the Blue Jays game started at 4:00
      I checked the mail and I had an envelope from UBCP with a fan letter from a guy named Vizenz Brandle who lives in Rotkruez, Switzerland. In his letter he said that's near Zug???? That helps. He sent me two pictures of myself he wants me to sign and a self addressed postage paid envelope.  I mention it because that's only the second time I've ever gotten a fan letter. Death threats and cease and desist orders yeah, but fan mail? But he took the time to photo copy a couple of pictures of me so I'll sign and send it to him and thank him for his interest in my career

As Dunain in Legend of Earthsea

As Santa in Jingle all the way 2

      The Blue Jays are up 2 - 0 in the 5th inning and all is good with the world. Michelle with one L just sent me a message she will be home 8 am Friday morning. Either me or the lovely Lisa will be there to pick her up. Twenty five days on Maui. I hope it snows! That's just jealousy talking. A sure sign we need a vacation! Now Bro Steve is in Europe for three weeks and all I have to be excited about is Sunday Shopping at Stuporstore.
      I got a Message from my friend Dirk that the Rocky Point Pub's last Open Mic will be this Sunday. It was the first Open Mic I had ever done as a musician. I've had the opportunity to play my original music as well as the chance to play with some amazing musicians. It's also five minutes from my house. I want to thank Dirk, Devin, Chris, Bill and Richard, that's the Band, for letting me play with them. It was always a pleasure to be on stage with them and they made me a better musician. So if you want to check out some live music played by people who love to do it come out Sunday at 4:00. Last chance to dance at the Rocky Point Pub open Mic in Port Moody.
      Our friend Jaqueline is having a Birthday Do at a Restaurant in New West, The Java Jazz Cafe. But the lovely Lisa didn't get home until 8:30 and was totally bagged. I was going to go by myself and actually drove half way there before I turned around and went home. I made a nice dinner for the lovely Lisa and I then we watched some TV while one of us slept on the couch. At 10:00 the lovely Lisa woke up and went to bed. I watched the cops shake down some teenagers making out in the parking lot across the street.

Step out of the car with your pants on!

Then I watched Designated Survivor. I'm a big Keifer Sutherland fan. This is the second episode and I'm already hooked.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Occasionally forced into Scullery Squatchdom

September 24th 2016 - September 26th 2016

Through the Looking Glass

      The lovely Lisa seems to have made  a complete recovery from her dental surgery. She was up and the coffee was already made by the time I rolled out of bed on the backside of 9:00. Cup of Jo in hand I sat down and watched the news. The good folks in the Excited States are still at each others throats. Our Prime Minister is frantically running from one photo op to another all the while giving away money we don't have. I don't want to turn my blog into a political forum because there's nothing funny about politics, except maybe listening to Asian guys saying "Election!"Read that with an Asian accent. Now does that make me racist? Or am I just harmlessly exploiting a stereotype for a cheap laugh. Every joke has to be about something! Jerry Seinfeld said he wouldn't do the college circuit because the PC police have made it impossible to be funny.
      It's now 8:30 on Monday night and I'm sitting at the Great Bear Pub on Kingsway waiting for the open mic to start. Friday night I found out that I had an audition Monday night at 7:15. That hey landed   was earlier today. Saturday I worked on my lines. At 9:00 am I got a text message picture from Christian. He was fishing with Craig  Lyberger off of Ambelside. Two 6 pounders before 9:00

Pescado

Craig "Fishkill"Lyberger

Then spent four hours floating. Mid afternoon Jen, Christian, the fish and the Grandkids did a drive by fish bombing! They were only at the house long enough to drop off the Fish. Who now rests wrapped in parchment and tin foil awaiting Thanksgiving dinner. The way the guest list is growing I may have to Jesus Christ that fish to feed the Masses! Thirty four is the most we have ever done. I'm not complaining. Everyone chips in and there is always way too much food. We do it because we are truly thankful for all the people in our lives. Also because Chef Boy R Lisa does most of the work. I set up the tables and watch football occasionally forced into Scullery Squatchdom to dry the pots and pans and get the stuff off the high shelves.
     I'm at the Heritage Grill now. I was first up at the Great Bear Pub. I played five songs. Two originals and three covers with bass, drums and two lead guitar players. Including Bill Taylor who joined in half way through my set. I had signed up at the Heritage Grill after my audition but I was thirteenth on the list. It's now 11:00 and I'm still not playing. Oh well. I'm what you might call invested or to use a poker term, pot committed!
      Back to Saturday. We had made plans to meet up with GMcT and his lady Sherry. It's nice to see him smiling again. He was running late and sounded upset but was on his way. The lovely Lisa and I got to River's Reach and Omar got us a table lickety split. His name isn't actually Omar. It's Sharif. I think you can figure it out. He'll always be Omar to me.
      Sunday is football day. I put on my Seahawks jersey and went to visit Mama Lee while the PVR recorded the game for me. The lovely Lisa watered the plants while I talked to Mama Lee about Bro Steve and Brother Peter who is holding up well after his dental surgery. Then we were back at Stuporstore for Chef Boy R Lisas work shop. When we got home I watched the recorded Seahawks game. I love my fast forward. Seahawks won easily. The lovely Lisa was in bed by 6:00 and I headed over to the Fireside for some music therapy at 8:30.

Bill Taylor at the Fireside

Bill Taylor was there and I was up first so he joined me on lead guitar and with drums and bass we did a five song set. I'm getting a lot of stage time with a lot of different players lately and I'm having a blast.
      I was up early and focusing on my audition. Running the lines over and over until I don't have to think about them. The first thing I did after swallowing a couple of cups of Jo was to lose the Santa beard.

Santa Beard Squatch

It wouldn't work for the character I was reading for.

UnSanta'd

I took the Ratdogs to Mundy Park for a walk and a visit with Mama Lee. The lovely Lisa was home at 4:30 and I left for my audition just after 5. I won't see her again until the same time tomorrow. I was at the audition an hour early. I am always early. I hate running in at the last minute then trying to get it together on the fly. I sat in the car running my lines and listening to the Blue Jays blow it in the ninth inning. Piss me off! Which is good because this character is a real dick. I might be able to use some of that BJ disgust. Twenty minutes before my call time I went and signed in. The character description describes him as bald. It was like a cue ball convention in there. The characters name is Ursick. I was the only hairy Ursick there! When it was my turn, twenty minutes late, I was in the box with the casting director and the cameraman and the Actor I was doing the scene with. I had a good read, I was given some direction and did it again. I was happy with what I did. The casting director was happy with what I did and that's that. Said goodbye to a couple of the Baldies I knew and headed for the Heritage Grill. Which is where I am now still thirteenth on the list.
      It was 11:00 when I finally hit the stage. My buddy Gerry was there with his sax, Gregg sat in on lead guitar, Dale was on bass , I was singing and playing acoustic guitar and the drummer was a Dick. No really I asked him his name when we got on stage and he said "Call me Dick!" Honestly, the jokes write themselves. Dick could drum. I have songs I play at jams because they have three chords and lots of room for solos. I was so out of my league on stage tonight. All those guys are really talented musicians. I've played with most of them at other times but never all together and it was the first time I played with Dick!.....See how easy it is!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - " It's the noise my little brother made when the bunkbeds broke!"

September 23rd 2016

      My day started at 7:30 in case I had to drive Brother Peter and the lovely Lisa to Maple Ridge for Peters dental surgery at the hospital. When I got out of bed the lovely Lisa was already up. She went to bed mid afternoon with a couple of painkillers and a bowl of soup. This morning, she was like brand new. It's gotta be the soup! The lovely Lisa called Brother Peter to make sure he was up and ready for 8:30. When the lovely Lisa was out the door I started working on my monologue. I don't need to memorize it verbatim. They don't want to see if I can memorise the words. They want to see if I can bring the words I'm using to life. I had the gist of it by the time I got into the car for the trip into town.

      Radio off, running lines in my head, then out loud. Over and over, wash, rinse, repeat. By the time I pull up I'm on auto pilot. I find parking half a block away. That's like winning the lottery in this neighbourhood! I took at as a good sign. It started to rain as I walked into the building for my audition thirty minutes early. I filled in the paperwork, Put a Head Shot and resume on the empty desk and took a seat with all the other old guy's. I was early but some people were late so I jumped the queue and was in before noon. I thought it was to camera but the producer and director and a couple of others were there. It's a monologue. And it's being done to a camera, in the story and in the room. They introduced themselves but I wasn't really listening. "Squatch?" the director asked " It's the noise my little brother made when the bunkbeds broke!" I said . They laughed out loud and that put me into performance mode. A couple more one liners and I was on my mark and ready to be! I was very happy with what I did. Now I have no control of what happens.

A long time ago with my sister Wendy

      I stopped by Mama Lee's on the way home just to see how she was doing. She's been in a good mood lately. She keeps telling me  "something good is going to happen" "Every day Mama Lee, good things happen every day" I helped her into a sweater then pushed her out to the main hall for music therapy. I came home and had some lunch and started writing this blog. Oh yeah, I'm also binge watching Blue Bloods. Always liked Tom Selleck.

      I played guitar and drank iced tea until my friend Duffy came over to watch some of the Jays game after he finished work. He works selling cars at the KIA dealership on United Boulevard near the Hard Rock Casino. So if your looking for a KIA or a quality used vehicle, Duffy will take care of you or he'll eat a bug! Every one needs a friend like Duffy. He can find the bright side of a bag of dog poo burning on your doorstep. Which is how I described the way the Whitecaps have been playing. "Yeah, but they've had lots of chances" He said. "Duffy, they haven't moved the net in two hundred years and we shoot three yards wide from the front of the net!" We dissected the Lions, Duffy likes the team and thinks Wally is a good coach. I call him Wally Bonehead and think that they win in spite of him! As for the Blue Jays we are in complete agreement. Playoffs here we come.
      The lovely Lisa got home and kicked back for an hour. She had spent seven hours at the hospital with Brother Peter while he was getting his dental surgery done. She left the hospital and did some shopping for Peter. While Duffy and I watched the game the lovely Lisa was on the phone with Bro Steve making arrangements for dinner. We were meeting at Tentatsu at 6:00. At 5:30 I tossed Duffy to the curb with the Jays up 3-0. Ten minutes later we were on our way. We flew into town until we got to Willingdon then the Highway became a parking lot. We got off at the next exit and Lisa Andretti maneuvered us through the side streets like a Karachi cab driver! We got there just after 6:00 and Bro Steve had already ordered our salad for us. Tuna Sashimi and avocado carpachio... The best salad I have ever had in an Asian restaurant. Bro Steve is headed off to Europe for a month and he leaves Monday. We wanted to get together before he goes, to reminisce about the month we spent together in Central Europe. By the time we were finished dinner I was jealous to the max. I need a vacation! My stupid heart crap kept us home this year for the first time in fifteen years.
      I have another audition on Monday, three days with the words...Luxury, wow.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all







      

Return of the Fat Bastard - The Gold Standard of mass stupidity!

September 22nd 2016

      It's a toss up! Fat lazy bastard or writers block? I haven't wrote anything for a few days because I've been bingeing. I haven't left Casa Lisa for two days. I took the recycling out yesterday and that's about it. Other than that, CNN with the sound off and 104.3 on the stereo. Every once in a while I would turn up the sound on the TV when something caught my eye. Charlotte North Carolina is following the example of Baltimore and Ferguson by burning, looting and destroying their own communities. None of those businesses come back. None of the people who supported their families with jobs at these businesses are now drawing a paycheck. In stead they draw food stamps. Then they have to travel to another part of town to use them because the grocery stores in their neighbourhood never reopened. Way to show the "Man"!
      Not that we have any reason to be smug. The Stanley Cup Riots being the Gold Standard of mass stupidity! Not the only ones though. There was a time in this province when every town had a festival in the summer. The Regatta in Kelowna, the Peach Festival in Penticton and Sandcastles in White Rock just to name a few, gone! At some point the cool thing to do became, wreck everything you could get your drunken hands on. Unlike our American cousins who are filled with anger at perceived injustices, Us Canucks are usually filled with beer before we get outraged at the price of Starbucks coffee. Why is it they always seem to show a Starbucks at a Canadian riot?
      I probably should have turned it to something else but I was drawn to the scene on the screen like a monkey to a cupcake. Black lives matter, if that life was taken by a policeman. That story was followed by the news that the city of Chicago reached the 500 person mark in murders for the year. Way to go Chicago! You win! Mostly young black men killing young black men. Where were the marchers? Where is the outrage on CNN? How does a community generate such hate for it's own members that murder is the answer? South Side, West Side that's were the trouble is. Not in our neighbourhood. That was the response of people being interviewed. "We don't go there".
      It reminds me of an incident that happened years ago. I was on vacation in Florida with the Murray Clan the year Colorado played Notre Dame for the National Championship in Miami. Stu, his sister Bobbi, her husband Bob and I were trying to get tickets to the game. Miami was barred from a bowl game because of bad behaviour so there were a lot of tickets available. We found some in the paper, this was pre internet. He gave us the address and Stu and I drove down to Miami from Fort Lauderdale to pick up the tickets. We followed the directions and when we got off the freeway we found ourselves in a rather seedy neighbourhood. A building with a door that had bars like a prison cell. It was a linen supply company. There was an armed guard at the door of the laundrymat. There were groups of people Blacks and Latino's standing around on nearly every corner. We turned left towards the water and the landscape changed dramatically. Three or four big houses that backed onto the water. Luxury cars parked inside Iron cages in the drive ways. At the end of the road a Monolith! Ten floors high and not a window in sight. Surrounded by a double dog run, complete with dogs and a guard house. We gave the security guard our info he called up and the gates swung open. We were met at the doors by the Doorman who escorted us to the eighth floor. We walked into an apartment that overlooked the whole of Miami. It was a solid wall of glass. He was a Miami alumni and a Booster. He sold us the tickets for cheap. Once we had the tickets I asked him how he can take seeing the poverty all around him day after day? "No windows, I don't look out that way" he said as he stared out of his wall to wall view of South Beach. I guess that's the problem. No body's looking that way.
      Of course there was also a steady diet of Trump and Hillary. He's a liar, she's a liar, She's a crook, he's a crook! Talk about the rock and the hard place! 70% of Americans feel the country is going in the wrong direction. The Status Quo isn't working. Professional politicians who care more about staying elected than serving the public. Can you say term limits? Mind you our Prime Minister is off on another good hair tour. Okay rant over.
      I'm now sitting in the office of a Dental Surgeon while the lovely Lisa undergoes a procedure that requires anaesthetic. I was just handed some paperwork, two pages of instructions for the responsible adult taking the lovely Lisa home. I guess that's me. After all I've put the lovely Lisa through the last year I'll be glad to look after her for a while. I cancelled Mama Lee and my appointment at the nail spa Friday so I can help brother Peter get to the hospital in Maple Ridge for Dental Surgery tomorrow. And of course I just found out I have an audition for Friday noon! I tucked the lovely Lisa into her bed. Fed her some chicken soup and some pain pills. Then worked on the three page monologue they sent me to audition with. That's what I'm doing right now!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - It was one of those Left Coast days that I love.

September 19th 2016

      It was one of those Left Coast days that I love. The day started off with a Ratdog frantically trying to burrow under my rather substantial frame, as the rain pounded down so hard it was over flowing the gutters! Nutmeg was losing her mind she followed me everywhere and if I stopped moving she sat on my feet. There was a pool of water in the backyard. Not much grass out back and it's been packed down pretty hard by the feet of the Grandkids. I looked out the bedroom window to check on the back gutters just in time to see Christian getting into his truck."Que Pasa" I yelled out the window. l met him on the back deck as he came trudging up the ramp in his hip waders. "You can't paint In the rain and the Fraser opened today". He loves his fishing!
     Then about 11:00 the sun came out everything was absorbed and three inches of water was added to the previously empty pool!
      I made a spur of the moment decision harnessed the Ratdogs grabbed a guitar and went to visit Mama Lee. I stopped at Mundy Park but when I pulled into the parking lot I saw the Dog police van and I didn't have their leashes. They have a nice courtyard at Mama Lee's and I got pooper bags.
      Mama Lee was just finishing her lunch when I got there. She wanted to go out into the courtyard for a few minutes. Perfect! The Poop Fairy did a double fly by within minutes. Is it weird that I I feel good when I get them both with one bag. It smells like victory! We sat out on the patio, well, she sat out on the patio. I stood out on the patio because everything was wet. Mama Lee only ever wants to be outside for a few minutes at a time.
      I had left my guitar sitting in the window. When I brought Mama Lee back in the Care Aides were already moving people into position. There is no prep, no amp, just me and my beat up old classical guitar. I sit down and start playing. The few who are mobile come around. Drawn to the music like moths to a flame. Hank Williams and Elvis, Jimmy Buffet and Elvis, Johnny Cash, Johnny Horton and Elvis! They really like Elvis! A few songs in one of the residents tried to pick up Nutmeg. I was concerned because she seemed unsteady when she bent over. I sat her down on the bench beside me and picked up Nutmeg so she could pet her. Nutmeg didn't stay but Ann sat there the whole time. Forty-five minutes went by in a flash. It's been a couple of months since I went and played for them. I missed it! On the plus side, they don't miss me. Ten minutes after I'm done most of them have moved on, or backwards, or sideways for that matter. I sat in Mama Lee's room with her while she was telling me her plan for preserving her little Jesus Books she gets every month/week. Two kinds and a newspaper. That's a lot of reading.
      Back at home I tidied up a little with CNN on in the background. What a fucked up situation we have going on in the world today! It looks like everyone is getting death by Chi Chi! And now another sure sign of the Apocalypse, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have filed for divorce! When will the madness stop!
       I watched football until Chef Boy R Lisa walked through the door nineteen hours after she left. A shower, a bite to eat and straight to bed. I could sit home with the Ratdogs or I could go to the Heritage Grill for open mic. Sorry Ratdogs! I set up the room so they wouldn't bother the lovely Lisa. Turned on the radio and cracked the door to the front deck and put the Ratdog gate in position.
     I was five minutes late and ended up eighth on the list. It was a real singer/songwriter kind of night. Almost all original music and some very interesting stuff. I didn't get on until 10:30. I played solo. Paris, again. I'll keep playing it until they stop doing that shit! Walls around your heart, a song about baggage and getting rid of it and The Question a song about still being in love fifteen years later. You've heard them before. I'll post them anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MenyPBUutMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL_rCG4wk3k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1arzlSlHXg

      I was home by 11:30 the lovely Lisa would be getting up for work in about ninety minutes so I started writing this post. When she was up and out the door at 12:30 I headed to bed. Ratdogs in tow.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Who you callin Turkey?

September 17th 2016

      I was up early for a Saturday. It was pouring down rain. I went back to bed and snuggled with the lovely Lisa and two Ratdogs for another hour. There's something about a hot cup of coffee a warm robe and the sound of rain scaring the crap out of a Ratdog. I wouldn't let her on my lap so she sat on my feet shaking like one of those Revitalise that Guy La Fleur sells on TV. It wasn't raining hard and I keep thinking that she'll get used to it. Probably never going to happen. As soon as the lovely Lisa was on the couch, Nutmeg was on her like scales on an armadillo!
      The lovely Lisa was up and dressed by 9:00 because the first 500 customers at the new Save On store got a free cake. The lovely Lisa likes cake. Me too. Not only did she get a free cake but it's our friend Duffy's birthday on Monday and we are having a poker game tonight. Happy Birthday Duffy!
      After the lovely Lisa got home with the free cake and three bags of fresh baked buns and got to work on poker snacks. I left. I have been out of ink for my printer for about a week now. I was off to Wallyworld for printer ink. I stopped in to see Mama Lee. She wants me to make an appointment for her to get her nails done. I'm due for a pedicure so I'll book us appointments at the same time. Mama Lee will only let Ami do her nails. One time I took Mama Lee for her appointment and Ami had to go home early because she was ill, Mama Lee wouldn't let anyone else do her nails so we left.
      We called Steve and the lovely Lisa on Mama Lee's phone. She has a hard time using it so whenever I'm there I make a few calls for her. Steve was coming to our house later and was going to visit Mama Lee on his way to the poker game. I swung by Cheap Thrills for a few things that the lovely Lisa had texted me she needed.
      If you ever get invited to one of the lovely Lisa's poker games you have to do it. The food alone is worth the price. It started off she was going to cook a turkey.

Then she was concerned that the turkey might not be enough so she cooked up a dozen big hot Italian sausage. Surely that would be enough of a snack for ten people! But Wait! Like those late night commercials for Patty Stackers and cell phone holders....There's more! Lets just boil up a corned beef too.

Corned beef

That's all for the break after the first game. To hold us until then we have a giant cheese plate featuring hard and soft cheeses from around the world. Okay, around Costco. Bowls of peanuts, party mix and tortilla chips for the homemade salsa Chef Boy R Lisa whipped up. No wonder I weigh 300 lbs! Okay 285 but still!

Pre snack snacks

 While Chef Boy R Lisa was cooking for the hordes I was setting up the poker table. I had it all set up by 5:00. Chips counted, chairs in place and and the TV on sports.

Shut up and deal

      We try to do a poker game every six weeks or so. It's a friendly game. We play Texas Hold Em Tournaments. $10 buy in and pay the top three. We had nine players tonight. G McT was not feeling well and begged off late. I hope he's feeling better soon. He was missed. Okay his $10 was missed. 6:30 and the circus rolled into town. Bro Steve followed by Duffy, Jen, Christian and the Grandkids They stormed through the front door like a Hurricane onto a Florida beach! Man, I'm really reaching for metaphors today. The decibel level in the house was dramatically increased. We had the Canada/Czech hockey game, good. And the Blue Jays/Angels baseball game, bad, alternating on the TV muted while we played music. Ralph, Ryland and Ricky showed up on time and we started the first tourney with nine players.

Poker Players

I sucked. I was way up then the poker Gods decided I was not worthy of their graces. Three hands later I was on the couch! Half an hour later the game was over. It takes about two hours to play. Then the buffet was open. Half an hour of foraging and back at the table for tourney two. First though we had a free cake and Duffy's Birthday on the horizon so we did the birthday thing the dogs howled, I played the harmonica and everyone sang in a different key....it was Perfect! Then they took Duffy's money to go along with mine. We were two people short. Jen worked until 6:00 am last night and was bagged. They packed up the Grandkids and we played with seven. I still stunk. I was out in ten minutes. I had good hands just not good enough. We were done by 11:30. Duffy helped me stow the table back out on the deck and the lovely Lisa and I cleaned up the kitchen. The lovely Lisa made up our thirty cup coffee urn and I drank way too much coffee. I went to bed at 4:00 am still buzzing. I should have been writing this blog but I was so wired I couldn't focus. I watched four episodes of Elementary instead. Idiot!!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - It sounded louder than the chorus of Stomp!

September 16th 2016

      I'm sitting at Rivers Reach Pub drooling like Pavlov's dog. Tonight is prime rib special night. And I am Primed! Also well rested. I never got out of my pajamas until I got in the shower at 5:00. I don`t know where the day went. I worked on the blog for a while, played a little guitar then next thing you know it's 5:00 and I've done nothing! I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I did manage to put off doing things until the rain started.

It was empty and ready to be put away. Now, 3 inches of rain water.

It`s supposed to rain for a couple of days at least. A wave of rain came through just before 5:00 sending Nutmeg into a tizzy and onto my lap. I was thinking, it's not even raining when she tucked her tail and made a beeline for my lap. Twenty seconds later the rain hit the Solar Glass covering the front deck. It sounded louder than the chorus of Stomp! It pounded for less than a minute then was gone. Nutmeg however followed me around with her tail between her legs right up until we left. When I opened up the bathroom door after my shower she was sitting right there shaking like crazy. The lovely Lisa got Nutmeg calmed down and we got ready to go. It's funny that Elvis doesn't care,
I turned up the radio for the Ratdogs and we were out the door and headed for prime rib!
      Rivers Reach is only about fifteen minutes from our house. It's one of the busiest Pubs in New Westminster because they have really good food. Friday and Saturday nights they do Prime Rib. $16 dollars for the regular cut $21 for the large cut. We ordered one of each.

The lovely Lisa and prime rib.

      I watched the Blue Jays game while pretending to converse with the lovely Lisa. Pretending is the wrong word. I was listening and talking to her.......between pitches. I call it watch/talking. That's the beauty of baseball! If it was hockey or even football, my ribs would be black and blue from the lovely Lisa's bony elbows! Soccer is good for watch/talking too.

      The Prime Rib arrived and it was perfectly done, except for the veggies. Zucchini, carrots and beans stirfried with onions until slimy! Yuck!

Squatch size Slab "O" Meat

      The last time we were at Rivers Reach the lovely Lisa won $250 on Pacific Hold Em. That was two weeks ago and that ticket has been burning a hole in her Capri`s ever since. After she bought a round for the table she had $206 on her ticket. By the time we left the Reach two hours later it was down to $196. She won`t cash it in. She wants to see how long it will last. I`m happy too. It doesn`t interfere with my watch talking.
      It was 8:45 when we left for Commercial Drive and Broadway were my friend Richard Lett, also known as "Dicklet" had a one man show at The Rio Theatre. Part of the Fringe Festival. I haven`t seen Dicklet in a few years. He has been on an incredible journey of recovery and discovery. I saw him out front of the theatre as the lovely Lisa parked across the street. He was out front glad handing and shilling his show. Hey, that's what Fringers do! It was good to see him again. He moved to Toronto several years ago and last time he was in town I was still recovering from my heart surgery. We have a long history. Going back to 1986 when we were doing comedy on the same circuit. We have been friends ever since and were even once roomates. As we walked up behind him he was taking a selfie with two women. My plan was to photo bomb them. "Squatch!" Dicklet yelled. "Squatch?"the women asked. It was an old friend who had moved to Toronto twenty years ago Mandy McKeen a nurse who just moved back to Vancouver and her friend Eve.
      We were comped for the show and paid our $5 fringe pass fee and waited in line as Dicklet went in to set up for the show. When the doors opened up we went into the lobby of the Rio.

The lobby at The Rio Theatre

I haven`t been here since a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show thirty years ago! They have a liquor license now. We bought a combo pack. Junior Mints, popcorn and a soda $11. We sat six rows back and center stage. Great comfortable seats. They do live performances as well as screening cult and indie films.
      The lights went down. Dicklet took the stage and the show was on.

The minimalist set consisted of a Mic on a stand, a stool and a keyboard. Through bits of standup, poetry and music Dicklet walks us through his self induced implosion at the hands of drugs and alcohol with honesty and insight. I was there when it happened for real. He took it on with clarity and little in the way of excuses. He did what he did. It doesn't matter why he did it. From being an addict living in his car to be a headlining comedian, playwright, and actor. A powerful journey worth sharing. Tonight is his last show at the Rio.
      We drove home thinking about the twists and turns that the road we all walk on take. Thinking about Dicklet's journey and my own. Thinking about when and how our paths had crossed and what effects we had on each other. It was nice to see him come through the other side in one piece.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - It looked like pee so I considered leaving it and blaming Elvis!

September 15th 2016

It wasn't me!

Me either.

      Its been a few days since I posted anything to my blog. That's because I have been in an antibiotic induced coma! I have been on antibiotics for 63 days since my heart surgery last December. They really seem to take it out of me. No energy, I feel mentally slow and dull. Trust me, it's a big deal when you start out slow and dull to begin with! Ive been doing some stuff around the house but at a reduced energy level. My heart just isn't in it. Today was my last day on the antibiotics and I'm hoping to pick it up around here before it starts raining. I say the same thing every year and every year I end up trudging around in the rain trying to get all the summer crap put away. I have made room for all the chairs in the middle shed but have yet to move a chair in that direction. I have most of the lumber I need to put together another shed for the bikes I'm using the 4x4 post I need as an excuse to stare at it wistfully. The bikes are three years old, I had to cut the weeds out of the spokes to get them to roll I guess I'll be missing the Tour De France again this year!. Besides I look like the bear in the circus when I'm on it! I cleaned out the tool shed there must have been two pounds of Rat crap in there! Time to relocate the traps from the front deck.

Nutmeg, lazier than me!

      It turns out I'm not a tool guy. I once thought I was a tool guy. Subsequently I have tools. I have tools that I don't know what they're for or how to use them. They pretty much live in a pile on the workbench that never sees any work because it's covered in tools! I will try to get it organized in the next day or two.
      I had an appointment with  Gus the wonder nurse at the Doctors. I've been in a diabetes drug study for five years and have appointments every three months. The drug is on the market now Invokana is the name. It lets your body pee out excess sugars. Its worked really well for me and now its over. The study is ending in November and I will no longer get my drugs for free. Bastards! My Doctor was very happy with where I'm at health wise. He's been my Doctor for twenty five years and he's a Newfie, no bullshit from him. I didn't always listen to him, but that never stopped him from telling me in no uncertain terms that I was going to die young if I didn't quit what I was doing. It took ten years and meeting the lovely Lisa before it sank in and I started taking care of myself. Its been two and a half years since I started the Fat Bastard, trying to change my life style and get healthy. If there is one thing I have learned in those two and a half years of healthy living, it can't make up for forty five years of excess! On the other hand, heart surgery can! Ive got all new plumbing now. A Mulligan if you will. So far so good. Now if I can only get this freakin infection thing under control!
      The lovely Lisa had a dentist appointment in Port Moody so I cranked up the amp and spent a couple of hours playing through my song list. Still lovin my new guitar. The lovely Lisa prefers I play unplugged in the house...... when she's home!
       Ryland is in town from Prince George with his girlfriends Mom, Angela and her special needs daughter Avery. They come down once a year for Specialist appointments and Ryland has the week off work so he volunteered to come along and help. I made arrangements for them to come to Casa Lisa about 6:00 and we would all go to The New Tentatsu in Burnaby. I drifted in and out until my phone went off at 5:45 Ryland and Angela were on their way from Guildford so I came out and woke the lovely Lisa up from her nap on the couch.
      It was my first time in an Escalade. You could play catch in the thing. The most comfortable seat I have ever sat in. I could have used it last week when I had my Open Ass Surgery. We went over Burnaby Mountain to Hastings Street. When I first moved out to Coquitlam the view going over Burnaby Mountain was spectacular. Then they planted all these Poplars and Alders that grow to fifty feet in about two weeks! No view, no more!
      The new Tentatsu is on Hastings Street near Gilmore right beside the famous Antons Pasta. in North Burnaby. The new Tentatsu is every bit as good as the original. Including our waitress who used to work at the Nanaimo and Hastings Tentatsu. The food was great and the company was excellent. Angela is one of those people who sound like they're giggling when they talk. She makes "Pass the Soy sauce " sound like so much fun! Strange how time passes when your enjoying yourself.

Ryland waiting to lose at screw your neighbour

      We invited them in for tea when they dropped us at home. The lovely Lisa made the tea and I set up the card table for a game of Screw Your Neighbour. We taught Ryland this game when he was ten years old. He taught Angela and their family how to play. It's a fast game four handed. We played one game and they had been at it all day. The lovely Lisa won. About 10:30 they left for the hotel. They have more appointments today and Ryland is taking his next level of lifeguard training. I tell you the kid is a worker! Besides lifeguarding, he delivers Pizzas and has another job as well. I don't remember what it is . I probably just had a moment of Squatchtimers! That's when someone is talking to me and I'm actually watching the football game over their shoulder! Ryland and his girlfriend are saving up for a trip to Austrailia in the new year so he's trying to make as much dough as he can. We tidied up a bit and I did some writing while the lovely Lisa went to bed. I woke up at about 3:30, drool running down my face and a cup of tea spilled onto the floor. It looked like pee so I considered leaving it and blaming Elvis!


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - You can't teach an old Squatch new tricks!

September 12th 2016

      I stayed up till 3 a.m. to let Lisa get a good sleep before she went to work at 1 a.m. Like I said In yesterday's blog I went to a couple of different open mics last night and because I'm on antibiotics I was drinking coffee instead of the beer I usually nurse. I couldn't get to sleep. I was bouncing off the walls. So now I'm sitting at the Heritage Grill where I go on Monday nights and guess what I'm drinking? Yes that's right, coffee. I guess you can't teach an old Squatch new tricks! I was house Squatch  today. I was doing laundry and the floors and watering the plants. I was sitting around strumming Guitars trying to decide how I want to record the song I was putting up later today. I settled on just me and my acoustic. No Mic, no amp.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MenyPBUutMc

I set up  the camera sat down and layed it down in one take. I think that it's the most meaningful song I've ever written. I think the message in it should be heard by every parent.
      Nextdoor Alice told the lovely Lisa that she knew a friend who heard that someone was fined $500 for leaving their rotting fruit on the ground. So I Googled it. 60 residents of Coquitlam were fined $500 apiece for not looking after their fruit trees. So the lovely Lisa was out there yesterday and took all of the apples off of the ground and off of the tree so guess what? It's applesauce time!

https://youtu.be/0QMrIFF_KMo

      I flip back and forth between the Blue Jays and the NFL game while I was folding laundry. The lovely Lisa got home at about 4:30. Her call time for tomorrow is 12:30 a.m. she needs to get out of bed at 11:30 tonight. I don't know how she does it. I took off for the Heritage Grill and hope the Ratdogs don't make her crazy. It seems that every once in awhile when I leave the Ratdogs on their own they bark their freakin heads off until the lovely Lisa comes out and brings them to bed. I always feel bad when they do that but the lovely Lisa won't let me beat them.
      Right now Linda and her ukulele have joined Minimi, apparently a common name in Japan, and her guitar. Minimi has heavily accented English and Linda has a high sweet voice. They did an original Minimi song about The Maple Leaf. It's a really nice song and they did a great job of it.

Linda and Minimi

      Man, it's 10:00 and I'm still 2 acts from stage time. I hope I'm home before the lovely Lisa gets up for work at 11:30. I just ordered Poutine. Let's take those new arteries for a test drive.

      I didn't hit the stage until 10:30. I played Paris by my self then I was joined on stage by Greg on lead guitar,Vic on bass and his cousin with the weird European spelling of his name but pronounced Guy on drums. House of the Rising Sun and Can't you see. I love playing with players who are so much more talented than me. Guy is a very solid drummer who kept the tempo right on and he and Vic were laying down some pretty cool bottom end stuff. Greg runs the Open Mic, plays every instrument and does amazing guitar work. I just stand there strum and yell into the mic.
      I wanted to be home before Chef boy R Lisa was up for work. I saw Gord, who runs the Ukelele Blast, and his lady Angel standing at the bus stop. "Where are you going?" I said as I rolled down the window. "Sapperton." "Get in, I drive right through Sapperton" Gord plays guitar and sat in earlier with Vic playing lead on some country tunes. It's a straight line from New West to Sapperton and I dropped them less than five minutes later. Another five and I was in the house and trying to calm down the Ratdogs. Fifteen minutes later Chef boy R Lisa was up and out the door at 11:45.
I watched the sports highlights, packed up the Ratdogs and crashed.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the fat bastard - You couldn't get a beer in Canada on Sunday.

September 11th 2016

In Times Square June 2015

      15 years ago today I like most of North America sat in stunned disbelief as 19 cowardly, sub human, Islamic terrorists flew airplanes into the World Trade Center killing thousands. The events of that day irrevocably changed our very way of life. Now we have to take off our shoes to get on a plane and pack our shampoo in our checked baggage. A small inconvenience compared to being blown out of the sky. I'm happy to stand in line a while longer if it means I get where I'm going intact and alive. The days of walking across the border at Niagara Falls or Point Roberts with a fake ID and twenty bucks because you couldn't get a beer in Canada on Sunday are most definitely over.

The new tower at the world trade center

      When the lovely Lisa isn't working she likes to sleep in. I watched some of the service from New York thinking about that day 15 years ago. It was one of those moments that you always remember where you were when you heard the news, John F Kennedy, John Lennon and the Twin Towers. Moments in history etched into our collective memory. I flicked back and forth between the ceremony and the NFL Today. I saw Hillary have to leave the ceremony for health reasons and I saw football players protest the way of life that has made them millionaires.

The pool

      When the lovely Lisa was up, dressed and well caffeinated we went to visit Mama Lee. This is the first year in several years that we didn't do the Parkinson's walk at Stanley Park. Mama Lee isn't physically capable anymore. We made a donation in her name and the lovely Lisa and I did the same. We took the Ratdogs with us and stopped at Mundy Park on the way to Mama Lee's and did our own Parkinson's walk. Only we didn't get a Tshirt for this walk. The park was busy. They have a Frisbee Golf course and it is always being used. It was such a nice day the course was packed.

A slice of New York

      I sat and talked with Mama Lee as the lovely Lisa arranged the flowers she had brought for her and the Ratdogs tried to stay out of the reach of an overly affectionate resident. She really wanted Elvis but he was way to quick. I picked up Nutmeg so she could pet her but the old Gal was too rough. We spend a great deal of time going over the same subjects we go over most every time we see her. I'm not sure if she forgets we had the same conversation last time or if she is just incredibly persistent!

       We took the Ratdogs home and were off to Stuporstore for the work shop. We have a system down pretty good now. It takes barely half an hour to do the shop. When we were home and unloaded the lovely Lisa put a chicken into the oven and I watched the highlights from the days sporting events.
I had planned to go down to The Rocky Point Pub for the Open Mic but with a chicken in the oven..... I went to Cheap Thrills for some sour cream and some corn on the knob. While the bird was roasting I made a nice Squatch salad with some yellow tomatoes that my pal Rick had dropped off out of his tomato patch. After dinner the lovely Lisa headed for bed and I headed down to Port Moody for the open mic. I didn't know if I would get on or not. Big Bill Frew and Linda were there and had already performed there was a possibility that they would get on again but then I showed up and took that spot. I Played some covers with Chris on bass, Luc on drums and Bill on lead guitar. All the songs I play at these things are three chords with lots of room for guitar solos. Not that I do any solos but Bill did a great job on all the tunes.

Hi how are ya!

      Home to take my meds then off to the Fireside in Sapperton for another open mic. There were quite a few musicians there tonight including the Ukelele Ladies from the Heritage Grill. I got there a little late so I was down the list a bit. So many talented people up in front of me. I went up after Danielle. She's the French girl I mentioned before who sings traditional French songs then nails a Nirvana tune. I was playing with Phillip on base and Brad on drums we did my original tune Paris. It seemed appropriate for the day. The first time I've played it with drums and bass. These guys nailed it. I walked them through the progression once and they had it. I should have recorded it. We played three more songs but this is the one that mattered to me. It has gone through a bit of a rewrite but the story is the same. No child has ever been born full of hate. It's learned behavior. They learned it from us. Their parents. I'll try to put down a recording of it tomorrow. The pics are from last years trip to New York

PARIS

What did you think was going to happen
When you teach your kids to hate
You taught them death and destruction
Would help them get their way

So they walk into a concert hall their hearts are filled with hate
They fire death into the crowd they want the Caliphate
Then they detonate the bombs they wear while chanting God is great

What did you think was going to happen
When you teach your kids to hate
Do you feel some sense of satisfaction
When you're standing by that grave

You taught them they should hate the Jew
Hate the Gays and the Christians too
Hate everyone who's not like you
You taught them how to hate

What do you think is going to happen
When you teach your kids to love
When you teach them hope and compassion
When you teach them tolerance and love

Teach your kids that love will conquer hatred every time
Teach them prejudice and violence is such a waste of time
Teach them kindness and respect will bring peace to all mankind

What do you think is going to happen
When we teach our kids to love
They'll spread joy and contentment
They'll preach the Prophesies of love

What do you think is going to happen
What do you think is going to happen
What do you think is going to happen
Teach them to love!

Words by Dave Squatch Ward

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all
   

Return of the Fat Bastard - All seniors, all grumpy, all the time.

September 10th 2016

At Fortstock

      Waiting on line to get my paper work so I can get my IV therapy. A whole lot of whining going on in this line. All seniors, all grumpy, all the time.

     Once again I'm getting ahead of myself. I had my first good night's sleep in a week. I was up only once overnight and was able to get right back to sleep.
      It's pandemonium here in the line as seniors wander aimlessly about the ER. Evidently they change the protocol on the weekends and it has some of the elderly patients confused. I'm confused too. I'm having a hard time understanding how this could possibly be the most efficient method of processing patients. It reminds me of Timmy Ho's. Wait on the huge line for one on one service. Only there is no donut waiting at the end.
      Back at home I had time for a soak, a shower and two cups of Jo. Looking outside into the bright sunshine I put on shorts and a Hawaiian shirt for the first time in a week. Just in time for the weekend. We left the house at 10:00 with a hitchhiker hanging on for dear life. A spider had spun a web between the aerial and the wipers.

He made it all the way to RCH! The lovely Lisa dropped me at the door and joined all the old guys in the line. Now I'm laying back on a stretcher while they pump antibiotics into me. In something that may or may not be ironic. I take probiotics every day to combat the effects of the antibiotics on my gut. Half an hour later the the same Doctor that was there on day one was back. He remembered me and said "Mr Ward, how's your ass doing?" "Through an intricate array of pulleys and mirrors it appears to be doing nicely!" I replied. He laughed, looked at my chart, didn't look at my ass wrote a script for four more days of antibiotics and said "keep soaking, keep an eye on it, and get the hell out of here." Didn't have to tell me twice.  
      Christian met me at the house with Jen and the Grandkids to help me pack up the yard for the winter. We took down all the umbrellas and the pop up then built shelves in the back lane shed to help organize the camping gear. When we were done they trooped out of here on mass leaving the lovely Lisa to get ready for the evenings events. Bro Steve was playing a gig out in Fort Langley with Thyme Machine. They haven't played together in a year due to a injury to Terry's arm.
      They were playing at a Cops for Cancer event called FortStock.

A couple of hundred people were there. The music was excellent. The lovely Lisa and I saw three of the five bands playing. Including Bro Steve  playing with Thyme Machine.

Terry

Bro Steve

Rob

Devin

Then I wanted to go home. I'm still on it lots of antibiotics and I guess my stamina is not what it should be, or it could be, or would be, or doobie.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all