Return of the Fat Bastard - It's important to like the person who's going to be handling your penis!

 January 27th 2017

Above the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco

      To take my mind off of my looming weenieoscopy I went to Magnetiq open mic Thursday night. I was there early and Bro Steve was sitting in with the band so I got my name up first on the list. Because I have had kidney stones for a number of years this is not my first time riding the weeniescope. It's another thing that I have managed to block out even though there is no sedative involved with the weenieoscopy. Magnetiq wasn't open for business yet so I walked down the hill to the Heritage Grill where a few of the Ukelelians were doing their usual Thursday night get together. They have an amazing song book. Hundreds of songs and it seems I know them all. I listened to the music and even sang along on a few of them while I watched the Canucks go 32 minutes without a shot on net against the worst team in the league. How is it even possible? Wouldn't you think someone might accidentally shoot the puck at the net?  Start by splitting up the twins. Daniel won the scoring title when Henrik was out hurt. Then Henrik wins the scoring title when Daniel was out hurt. Can you imagine them using their playmaking skills on some of these young guys who actually will go to the net. Oh well. Cousin Bo is an All-Star and  I grew up a Leafs fan so at least I have something to cheer about.
      I said goodbye to the Ukelelians and went up to Magnetiq for the open mic.  The house band with bro Steve played three songs and then I was up. All the players who worked with me on my Christmas song, when Santa's in Vancouver, available on iTunes were there.

Bro Steve, Pam , Leon,  Chris and Devin from the house band joined me on stage. Three cover tunes and I was out of there!
      Dr Dan and Julia were flying in from Prince George and the lovely Lisa was picking them up at the airport. The lovely Lisa had texted me a shopping list to do on my way home after the open mic. It was quarter to 9 when I went through front doors of Stuporstore. We have very little in the way of child friendly food. I picked up cereal, milk, bread and jam, stuff we don't usually have in the house. When I got back to Casa Lisa they were already there from the airport. Dr Dan and Julia were eating snacky foods and the lovely Lisa was heating up the split pea soup she had made the day before. We caught up and I called it a night. I set my alarm for 6 am and slept fitfully. I was up and showered by 5 am. I sat in the dark drinking coffee for a couple of hours until the lovely Lisa was ready to drive me down to Eagleridge Hospital.
      The hospital is only ten minutes away from Casa Lisa and we were standing in front of the reception five minutes before my scheduled time. The waiting area was full. When the person at the desk was finished I walked up to the desk.  "Take a number and have a seat Sir....Number 62" she said. I turned to see where she was pointing and there were four people in line pulling their tickets.
# 75. Another clerk came out and I was processed and papered after about a half hour wait. I was then sent back to the waiting room which was rapidly emptying. It was only a few minutes when they took me in the back handed me a robe and a housecoat and told me to strip down to my socks and put them on then sent me back to the waiting room. I'll just say when you are 6'4" a hospital gown is essentially a mini skirt! Several times the lovely Lisa told me to pull it down I was exposing myself! I said " It pays to advertise" She pinched me really hard in a very vulnerable place! I crossed my legs, no small feat for a man of my substantial stature, and watched the lovely Lisa play WordBrain on my phone.
      The nurse came and got me and led me back to the operating room where Doctor Hershfield was waiting for me. He's been my Urologist since my first kidney stone attack in 1999. He's a tiny little man of indeterminable age. I thought he was old the first time I met him! He reminds me of a Garden Gnome  and his hands are so small, it's a pleasure to have him check my prostate. He's a happy guy always smiling and when he talks it always sounds like he's on the verge of a belly laugh. I like him and I think that it's important to like the person who's going to be handling your penis! We exchanged pleasantries before the nurse who led me in pointed to the table with stirrups and instructed me how to position myself in the stirrups. When I was in position and the laughing stopped, Dr Hershfield explained what was going to happen. The two nurses just stared! The Dr firmly clamped my penis in place and applied the local anaesthetic. The nurse from the waiting room left, probably with my junk burned into her retinas and the procedure nurse, a cute little Asian woman coughed. "Your not sick are you?" He asked her. 'No" she said "just a tickle in my throat" "Okay" he said "I don't want to get sick" "No problem, I promise not to kiss you." As I lay on the table with my legs in the stirrups and my balls to the wind I said "NO KISSING! I thought that was part of the deal!" A word of advice. When someone is sticking a tube into your weenie making him laugh may not be the best thing to do. It was the only pain I felt. He explained what he was looking at and gave me a clean bill of health. No cancer, no tears, just a slightly swollen prostate. We chatted for a few minutes and I was on my way home with the lovely Lisa at the wheel.
      The weight of worry was lifted off my shoulders. I still have the pressure in my back but we are slowly eliminating possible causes one by one. Once home I took my swollen prostate to my bed and faded in and out as I watched the Democrats pull their hair out in angst over the Donalds Decrees on CNN. Strangely very little coverage of the Pro Life March. Not really worthy of coverage I guess. No Celebutards cursing, no profane hate filled signs no Anarchists smashing windows and setting cars on fire, Really, You call that a protest march? Thankfully I fell asleep. I had the first decent sleep I have had in a while. I woke up with my previously viewed bladder full. OOOOOOOWWWWWW it stings when I pee! I forgot about that part. While I was trying to uncross my eyes, my winky was trying to turtle back into my body. I watched the Raptors game and called it a day at about 8:30. No pictures from today. Here's a squirrel raiding the bird feeder.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Twenty minutes after I took the laxative I changed my mind!

January 26th 2017

On my way to my Anal probing. Yay

      I survived the first of my probings. Actually, I did better than survive. I didn't find the prep or the procedure bad at all. I had one twelve years ago but had blocked it out. The only thing that bothered me was that after taking the first laxative Monday night, I was afraid to leave the house. I had planned to go to the Heritage grill to play my new Colonoscopy song. Twenty minutes after I took the laxative I changed my mind!  I also had to turn down an audition for Tuesday for the same reason. This was just two Ducolax tablets. I hadn't even gotten to the powdered Nuclear powered stuff! I was on the clear liquids only diet starting Monday night. I foraged in the deep freeze and came up with a zip lock baggie full of Chef Boy R Lisa's turkey stock. This one was from last Christmas. It was really good. So much flavour. Apple juice, yellow Gatorade, ice tea and water rounded out my diet for thirty six hours.
      At 3:00 pm I took the powdered laxative. You mix the pouch with one liter of water. Some people have told me you can mix it with Ginger ale or Apple juice. I called the screening people at the Cancer Society and they told me "mix with water only." As the memory of my first probing, twelve years ago, came flooding back I recalled how hard it was to get that potion down. It tasted soooo bad! She lady on the other end of the phone told me it tastes much better than it used to. I used the water out of the fridge because they say cold water makes it taste better. I mixed it up and mmmm not bad. I needed to drink the whole thing within an hour at ten minute intervals. It has a mild lemony taste that I didn't mind at all. It might be okay with Tequila! I had it all down in forty minutes.
      It wasn't working! The Poop Fairy was supposed to be hovering above me making my life a Liquid Fecal Hell! Nothing! I am supposed to take the second dose at 3:00 am. I set my alarm and couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in bed. I finally went into the living room and turned on the TV. I watched recorded episodes of NCIS until it was time for my dose. It was a little harder to get down the second time around. Not because of the taste but because of the huge quantities of liquid that I had been putting into my body. It took me close to an hour to get that second dose down. Still nothing.
     I set my alarm for 7:30 am and tried to get to sleep. Dreams of Aliens probing my orifices with their unnecessarily long fingers. About 5:00 am I realized one of the Aliens was actually the Poop Fairy. I almost made it! Let's leave it at the Doctor will have a nice clean colon to poke around in. And I had a nice early morning shower. I drifted in and out of sleep until the alarm went off at
7:30 am. I did what bears do in the woods...if they have Dysentery or some other Gastro intestinal disorder.  I was starting to stress about making it to Langley Memorial Hospital. Another ride on the porcelain Porche then yet another shower! By the time we left for the Hospital with Lisa Andretti at the wheel my stomach was growling and my colon was empty. We crossed the bridge over the Fraser, the toll collected automatically. Bastards!

Toll this Ya Bastards!

      It went quick once we were in the Hospital. At reception I was handed forms to fill out and sign in five different places agreeing that no matter how badly they screw things up, I'm okay with it. Then they put you in a cubicle with a blue robe that doesn't fit. I could have used the robe they gave me as a hand puppet. The nurse came back with a bigger robe and said " This ones big as a tent! " " Cool, maybe I'll keep it and go camping " I said. The Nurses were laughing and joking as I stripped down. "You can leave your socks on" they said Then I put on the robe and they stopped laughing! All I could think about was that Rodney Dangerfield joke. My Doctor told me to take off my clothes and stand in the hall.
I asked him Why?
He said I'm mad at my Nurse! Bada Bing
      The IV went in and I was good to go. They had me assume the position. They administered the sedative and within minutes I was at peace with the world. The Doctor came in introduced himself, explained the procedure, whipped out six feet of Garden Hose and got down to it. " Yo Doc, don't spare the lube! " I am totally awake and not the least bit concerned about what's happening at my backdoor because I'm staring at a big screen, Hi Def TV five feet away. On this screen is the inside of my body. " Hey Doc, do you get HBO on that thing" I quipped. He chuckled and started talking to the Nurse about her mothers recent surgery, his last vacation and her upcoming Wedding all the while playing a giant video game in my ass! I watched the whole thing. Apparently I have a nice pink colon. Full of polyps. Some of them quite large. He removed three of the larger ones and put in six staples. I watched the whole thing in HD. It was like a guided tour of my insides. The Doctor moved the camera through me like he was playing Pac Man. Into this nook over to that cranny. Whatever a cranny is? I could have easily stayed for a double feature. The removed tissue is being sent to the lab. He said there is no sign of Cancer but I will need to have one or two more procedures to remove the remaining polyps. I knew my Ex was wrong I'm not a perfect asshole!
      After the procedure I was made to wait thirty minutes before the lovely Lisa was allowed to take me home. I felt pretty good. Physically, thanks to the extra lube, I felt good. Mentally, I felt great! It took four months after they first notified me that there was a problem for me to get the colonoscopy. Four months of worry and stress. If I do say so myself my imagination was running wild. Bad dreams and bad sleep. I saw that beautiful pink colon and listened to the Doctor discussing his vacation in Belize and realized everything is going to be Okay! I had Lisa Andretti stop at the Stuporstore for some comfort supplies. I have the post procedure paperwork in my hand and it clearly states on foods to eat the first day, ICE CREAM! The lovely Lisa doesn't approve of me eating Ice cream so I rarely get to have it. The lovely Lisa is always looking out for me and her insistence on me taking care of myself is probably the reason I'm still here. Rice cakes, Ice cream and a few things Chef Boy R Lisa needs for the soup she is making me.
      Once I was home I had a shower put on my pajamas and had a nap. I awoke to the smell of soup. Chef Boy R Lisa made my two favorite soups. Scotch Broth full of lamb, potato and carrots and Split Pea with so much ham in it you could reassemble a pig!

Split Pea Soup

 I had two bowls of each by bedtime. I nodded in and out while the Canucks game was on. I actually slept through the entire second period. That's were rewind comes in handy. I was in bed early, for me. Midnight saw me sawing logs and I was up at 6:15 this morning. I plan on going to Magnetiq tonight for open mic but I have my Weenieoscopy at 7:45 am tomorrow. This time at Eagleridge Hospital. At least I won't have to pay the toll to get probed! Also I hope they use a smaller hose!
No relevant pictures. O notified the Papparazzi but they didn't show!
      Some people said they had a hard time hearing the lyrics to the Colonoscopy song. Here's the Lyrics and a better version of the song. It won't let me just post the song by itself so I had to make it a movie. Peaceful scenes from around Vancouver.

The Colonoscopy Song

My Doctor said now listen up this is what you’ve got to do
Next time you sit on the throne scrape up a little pooh
Put it in this fancy vial and take it to the lab
Two weeks later I got a letter and this is what it said
The letter told me not to worry this is just routine
It said they’d phone and tell me just what the test had seen
They tried to sound so nonchalant but I’m no body’s fool
They never called and I want to know what’s living in my stool

They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.

The fateful day’s arriving no time to whine or pout
That nuclear powered laxative sure did clean me out.
They’re doing me in Langley so I have to pay the toll
It just seems wrong to pay six bucks while they poke around my hole
They put me in a cubicle and handed me a robe
Strip down to your birthday suit we’re going to do the probe
The robe was open in the back as I sauntered down the hall
I let them see the full moon because I have no shame at all
 
They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.

They put an IV in my arm My heart pounding like a train
They added in the sedative so I would feel no pain
I went out and they went in, now I have no memory
Of the day I had my Colonoscopy

They’re giving me a Colonoscopy
They’re going in through my back door to see what they can see
Thanks to Socialism they’re probing me for free
Yeah they’re giving me a Colonoscopy.
Did I mention that I’m getting it for free?
Hey Doc! (pause) I’ll take three

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

©2017 Dave Squatch Ward

Return of the fat Bastard - The Poop Fairy hovers over your head and hits you with her Shit stick!

January 23rd 2017

Prepping for my Colonoscopy

      I sit down in front of the keyboard this morning knowing full well I might not be able to sit comfortably after my Anal Probing in two days. I start the bowl cleansing process tonight at bedtime. This is not my first Colonoscopy. I have however managed to block it out. I didn't even remember I had it done until the Doctor reminded me. Here's the thing. I clearly remembered the cleansing process, not fun. It's like the Poop Fairy hovers over your head and hits you with her Shit stick every time you try to get up! On the upside I knocked off ten pounds in two days last time. The actual procedure is still a mystery to me. Apparently I went out like a light. I woke up in recovery with a red rose and ten bucks on the night stand! Okay I made that part up. I added the rose to make it seem more romantic. I kept the ten bucks! I seem to have gotten used to the pain in my back or it may just be the power of denial. It's still there but the closer we get to my Anal Probing the better I feel. Maybe it fixed itself and this is an unnecessary procedure. I've been keeping my mind occupied by watching football drinking copious amounts of Jo.
      Yesterday I went to Sharon's Birthday Gathering down at Woody's Pub. Beer and appies. I'm on the no alcohol for five days before the probing program. Not a big deal really I'm not much of a drinker anyway. At Squatchapalooza 60 I had half a dozen beers which I took one drink out of each, put it down and flitted off like the social butterfly that I am! Chicken Wings, Poutine, Calamari and Artichoke Dip. I ate a lot of Chicken Wings drank about five more cups of coffee. I sat at the end of a long table so I could see both the Canucks game and the New England Trouncing of the Steelers. Canucks lose another game with less than two minutes left. Coaching? That's it. We missed a good party at Jaqueline's Friday night. Gramma Lisa and Bella have been going Skiing up at Cypress every Friday after school. Bella is getting pretty good. Off the bunny hill and skiing mid mountain already.

Gramma Lisa and the sunset on Cypress

Bella stops for a snow cone Au Natural

They were joined by Bro Steve last time. I met Gramma Lisa and Bella at Tentatsu Too while Bro Steve went to the party. It was after 10:00 when we dropped off Bella. Too late for the party and the lovely Lisa was bagged. Turned out the party went till the wee hours and sorry we missed it.
       Okay, I'm going to go out and do some pruning of the fruit trees.
   
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiKDTpDZXuc

That done I had my last meal about 7:00. At 10:00 I took the first two laxative pills and got ready for bed. Tomorrow I start with the nuclear powered colon cleanser so I will be incommunicado for several hours as I test drive the porcelain Porsche.I may catch up on my reading or perhaps entertain you all from my throne. Right now the first of the laxatives seems to be working. Excuse me. WOW. That was exciting! I better stop and say goodnight. I`m on the clear liquids only portion of my adventure for the next thirty six hours. Do I need to wear a diaper to bed, Depends! I kill me


That`s all I`ve got
Till next time
Peace Out Y`all

Return of the Fat Bastard - The Saskatchaweenian winter

January 10th - 15th 2016

      Okay, enough is enough! The mild amusement I have shown about the Saskatchaweenian winter we are experiencing out here on the Left Coast has long ago worn off! I haven't seen the plus side of zero for what seems like a month. Do you now why it seems like a month? Because it's been thirty five days since December 5th when the first snow fell! O M G I shouldn't have done the math! Thirty five days ago I did a whimsical little video about shovelling snow. The progression from whimsical to reality kicked in about the tenth time I was out shovelling snow. The first couple of times. I was out there while the snow was still falling. By the third or fourth dump I was out there when I could hear the lovely Lisa out shovelling the drive way so she could get her car out. Guilt, the great motivator.
      I wrote that five days ago. It's now become my first Return of the Fat Bastard blog post of my sixty first year in existence. I truly didn't think I would make it this far, and I certainly have done my best to not make it this far. I have abused and mangled my body and my brain for more than forty years. I often think about those days when there was no such thing as too much of anything. Drink, Drugs and Girls. Once I discovered them, around ninth grade, it was the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning. Depending on perspective. Up until then I was a Jock! I've always said that no generation has ever asked their body to do so much. Particularly the filtration system. No surprise a lot of my friends are dealing with these kinds of issues.Thank God there was no Crack or Meth or Fentanyl when I was running out of control. 1972 in Toronto was a wild time. It was a ten minute walk to Yonge Street from our house and I practically lived down there. They had just dropped the legal age to 18 from 21. I was fifteen when it happened. I was also 6'3" and 240 pounds. I was never asked for ID and started working as a Bouncer at the Yonge Street Tavern before I was 16. Needless to say that did not slow down my destructive behaviour. I wonder why I felt it was necessary to say "needless to say" then go ahead and say it anyway. I won't go into details because they are irrelevant. Let's just say I had a number of issues. I destroyed my first marriage, lost contact with my Daughter Jennifer and reality, hurt a lot of people and had a cocaine induced stroke at 30.
      I was getting out of a cab at a 7-11 to buy a pack of smokes and woke up in the hospital having had a cocaine related stroke. Those few days in the hospital were a warning shot over my bow. I took it to heart. I got clean and gave up the Dummy Dust. Stayed with Stu and Karen in Campbell River until I got my head on straight. Then I moved to Victoria when Stu Scott asked me to run the Yuk Yuk's that he was opening. Six months later I was on the road working as a standup. In 1987 I met my Agent Nancy after a show at the Mr Sport Hotel. "Have you ever thought about acting? she asked me "All the time" I lied. Or was I "acting?"! I got the very first thing I auditioned for, a dancing couch for a BC Lottery commercial, and when the cheque came in I thought. I can do this! Nancy and her coworker Anna Banana are still my Agents and friends. They were there for Squatchapalooza 60 and seeing them was one of the things that made the night so special. The rest is history. If you want to see that history you'll have to google me. I've had a 30 years and counting career. I met the lovely Lisa while working, I have watched my Daughter Jennifer become a successful  Production Manager in the film business and give us two beautiful Grandkids. I am surrounded by beautiful, creative, inspiring people who make my life so much better. So many of them were at Squatchapalooza 60. I'm all off track now, walking down memory lane. Somehow my thoughts end up on the page. Do you know why? ...... I have no discipline! Too much coffee and multi tasking. Between sentences I'm sweeping the floors. It helps me ruminate! I mean mentally. Now I can't remember what I was talking about so I'll talk about something else.
      Perhaps we'll go back to the weather. It's the coldest winter I have ever seen in my 30 years in Vancouver! However my house is quite warm and when I throw in the occasional episode of "man"opause! I'm a little too warm. So the cold is not really a problem for me. For Chef Boy R Lisa, a problem. She does the baking for the show. She does all the deserts. On the set of Once Upon a Time the Teamsters call her the Queen of Tarts. They also call her Honey, Toots and Babe! Hey! They're Teamsters. Hard to proof dough or use chocolate when it's this cold. It hasn't snowed for a few weeks now no shoveling but no melt either. Just enough in the middle of the day so it turns to ice as soon as the sun sets. There has been no salt available for weeks. Tamara picked up a bag some where. As soon as it's on the shelf it's gone.
      There are good things about the weather. The kids love it. Most years they get a couple of days maybe a week of sliding. The Grandkids and Christian go sliding most days after school. We live on a mountain. No shortage of hills or green spaces. They are skating on Como Lake. For weeks now. Playing hockey, figure skating or just skating around. I haven't seen that since I was kid. They used to flood the track at Riverdale Park in Toronto and hundreds of people would use it. It also had the best toboggan hill in the city. From Broadview Ave down to the huge field where the running track/Ice rink was down by the Don River.
      The lovely Lisa and I went for a walk on the lake. Not something that happens in Coquitlam very often. The lovely Lisa was resplendent and infinitely smarter in her snow boots and Stay Puffed Down Filled Jacket.

I on the other hand was in worn out Sneakers and a Windbreaker.

We didn't know we were going to go out on the lake. We were visiting Mama Lee and we drive right by the lake. Someone was leaving so Lisa Andretti whipped into the parking lot and into the recently vacated parking spot as the cars pulled in behind us with no where to go. We spent about twenty minutes on the lake. The Sun was shining, everyone was smiling.

Little kids to adults with hockey sticks in their hands. Dads showing off for their kids and kids looking up to their fathers with joy on their faces.

Teenagers playing shinny on a rink twice the size of any one else and girls in white skates turning pirouettes. It's been a long time since I've seen that. It really made me feel like Canada. Do you know what I mean? Canada as a verb. Every race was represented, every age group, every gender all drawn together, all bonded by the Ice on a lake. It just felt like Canada.
      I went out to play Music a couple of times. The Heritage Grill on Monday and Magnetiq on Thursday. The last year has seen me spending more time working on my music and having venues where you can perform original music is amazing. My song When Santa's in Vancouver was recorded and played on the Radio here in Vancouver and I have met some amazing talented musicians who have taught me so much just by letting me play with them. To each and every one that I have gotten on a stage with....Thank You.
      Squatchapalooza 60! WOW!! An absolutely fabulous Birthday. It started, not too early, with my annual FREE Denny's Papa Squatch Family breakfast. As usual the Grandkids gave me their hand made Birthday cards. We are not quiet people. We laugh a lot. We talk a lot, some of us with a Spanish accent that is sometimes hard to understand. This is what happens you say "Pardon Me" to someone, anyone, they think you didn't hear them so they say it louder. Then I'm bellowing my Restarante Espanol down to the other end of the table. Three different conversations going at the same time. God I love my family!

      Afterwards we made our way home in time to watch the Seahawks go down to Atlanta in the playoffs. Hung up the Jersey until next year and got over it. The Dems in the US should do the same! Then go Washington and represent their constituents and their point of view. The peaceful transition of power is a hallmark of US Democracy! These politicians should go back to school and take a Civics class. It just seems like sour grapes and is certainly not making any new friends. Uphold the traditions. Attend the Inauguration, then work your ass off to convince the American people in the middle of the country to vote for you in four years and toss the big Orange Haired Dufus out on his ass. Till then SHUT UP PLEASE! Rant over.
      I was supposed to meet my friend Bill Taylor at the Heritage Grill he was kind enough to not only let us use his PA but he set it up and played sound man as well. His guitar was set up wireless so he could move around while still playing with the band. I got there five minutes late and he had already loaded in. We took our time setting up and doing sound checks. Then just before 7 people started to arrive. People I haven't seen for years and people that I see all the time started to come in. My jaw just about hit the floor when I looked up and Daryl and Meaghan  walked through the door. They came down from Campbell River and it really made my night. Theresa came over from Nanaimo and  Not only did Dr Dan make it down from Prince George he dragged the lovely Lisa up on stage for a spirited rendition of Sympathy for the Devil with Bro Steve, me and everyone else who could fit on stage or near a microphone. The Scots Mob from the Ridgeway Legion led by Willy and Annie were there in numbers and of course the fruit of my looms. Jen, Christian, doing his best Fernando Lamas, and the Grandkids,

 The Grill is a little too bar like for the kids even though it's a restaurant. They left right after the cake which is still a couple of hours after their bedtime.

      The music started early and was endless. Bro Steve and Bill Taylor, Mark and Lea always put on a good set. The Ukelelians, Linda, Danielle and Sue. Pam, David and Basil all took turns blowing away the crowd with their sets. I don't want to turn this into a guest list I just want all the performers, all the people who came out to watch and celebrate with me that from the bottom of my recently reconstructed heart, you all mean so very much to me.The amazing thing about my heart surgery was how they made it bigger! I find myself with love to spare and room for all of you in it.
      The lovely Lisa was a shimmering Goddess in a dress that turned heads all night long. I wore a shirt that looked like prison issue! Big Bill Frew wore black! We rocked the joint until nearly 1 am. That's late for us old guys! I stay up later than that most nights but I'm at home in my underwear! It took about 45 minutes to pack up all the gear. Big Bill Frew was feeling bad because he had to go catch the last train and couldn't stay to help pack up. Which is a drag because he's a strapping big lad. That's transit in Vancouver. Let's shut down the unmanned automated Skytrain an hour before the bars close. That will get people out of their cars! He was feeling bad about it but losing the muscle was still better than driving him home.
      Sunday shop at Stuporstore with the lovely Lisa a visit with Mama Lee and football on TV. Chef Boy R Lisa is up at 1:15 so I tried to stay up but crawled quietly into bed about 12:30 after snoozing in my chair until I spilt my tea into my lap. I finished this post when I got up this morning. I had a lot to say and probably always will. I have a whack of pictures. Possibly in no specific order. I was so busy Birthdaying and playing and socialising I didn't take hardly any Pictures. Willliam Taylor, William Frew, Lea Sheldon and Caroline Glen all did and posted lots of them. They are up on their Facebook page if you want to see pictures from the Squatchapalooza 60.


That's all I've got
Till next Time
Peace Out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Can a girl be a Dick?

January 6th 2016

      Monday night at the Heritage Grill open mic. It may be as good an open mic as I have ever been a part of. Some of that is the fact that I've been going there for a couple of years now. I know all the players and everyone is always willing to get up and play with me. Though Greg Gorrie, who runs the open mic, always asks me if I want to play with a band or would I prefer to play with myself? I tell him "I'm married and the reason I got married was so I could stop playing with myself!" Then I went up and played with myself. Well almost myself. Gerry Sax is back from Phoenix for the holidays and I had sent him a mp3 of Paris and he had been working on the Sax line. Big fun and I wrote about this in my last posting. I could erase this with the touch of a button but like they say "The pen writes and moves on!" Also I think I have a little Sometimers going on. It seems like some times I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I find myself turning in circles half a dozen times each day. I don't so much multi task as I start something, go to the bathroom and then come back and start something else. Is it the beginning of dementia or a continuation of my long history of procrastination!
      Tuesday morning found Dick the hummer sitting on the Christmas lights strung near the feeders and pissed right off. Both feeders were a block of ice. I brought them in and put them in the microwave. When I hung them back up Dick was on it like a ugly on a Monkey. Dick is large for a Hummer which probably means he's a girl. Can a girl be a Dick?

Dick Or No Dick?

These little birds totally have my attention. I could watch them all day. Which is pretty much what I've been doing lately. I mean I've been busy doing fun stuff while putting all the real stuff out of my mind. Chef boy R Lisa was up and out the door at 1:00 and Michelle with One L is in Hawaii for two weeks so I was there by myself. I worked on a new song that I wrote for my 60th birthday next week. I took a call from the colonoscopy people about my upcoming anal probing. They were calling to see if I could take a phone call next Monday about my upcoming anal probing. "I can hardly wait!" did not amuse the woman on the other end of the line. I watched a little Junior Hockey. All the games I've seen this tournament have been excellent.
      The whole health thing is a contentious issue around the house. The lovely Lisa would prefer that I keep it out of my narrative and deal with it discretely. I don't know that I can do that. I'm not writing about this because I'm looking for sympathy. It cathartic for me. If I kept it all inside I would explode. Besides 97% of people who have negative results in the poop test have no serious issues. The kidney and gall bladder thing are ongoing and they're going to go in and take a look when I have my weenieoscopy on the 20th. It is what it is. I'm doing everything they tell me to. Whatever is going on I know in my heart I earned it! It's not by accident that it's my body's filtration system that's breaking down! I've asked it to do an awful lot. They can keep putting me back together peace by piece until my Robot body is ready! I want one that plays guitar better than I do.
      As usual I'm all over the place with this post. Tuesday night after the lovely Lisa went to bed I went over to Judge Begbies in New West for open mic. It's a smaller venue and lots of original music being played. Gerry Sax was there and played with me. It wasn't busy so we went through twice six original songs four of which Gerry didn't know. A testament to his talent.
      The Anal Probers called back on Wednesday to ask if they could call me on Thursday. Evidently they had a few cancellations. Probably some guy saying "You want to stick what up my ass? I think I'll have a V8!" It only moved up the phone call. I still get probed on the 25th in Langley. And I have to pay a toll to do it!
      I have to give the Colostomy people credit. They said they where going to call at 11:00 and they were right on time. The call lasted almost half an hour. Nosy bastards! The woman on the phone tells me that they have come a long way since I had one done a dozen years ago. I explained that my ass has been "exit only" since my last Alien Anal Probe. I asked what flavour the lube was. These Cancer people have no sense of humour.
      The lovely Lisa, Bro Steve and I went to Taqueria Tropical for dinner before the Open Mic at Magnetiq in New West. Taqueria Tropical is our favourite Mexican Joint it's on 6th St. and is as close to authentic Mexican as I have forund in Vancouver. The enchiladas are fantastic! Covered in Salsa Verde and served with beans and rice for $11. All their dishes are made with slow roasted shredded meat not hamburger. Senora Bonita Lisa had beef, I had chicken they come four to the order so we swapped out a couple. Bro Steve had Tacos. We finished up just as the Canada / US game went into overtime so we went into Rivers Reach and watched the overtime. It was a great game. Not a shoot out fan but that's the rule. Great effort by both teams.
      Because we stayed until the end of the game I didn't get down to Magnetiq until there were ten people ahead of me. It was all good.

Linda Ukelelian and the Lovely Lisa WooWoo girls

With Gerry Sax and Richard 

The lovely Lisa was there, Bro Steve, Pam, The Ukelelians and
a couple of dozen talented musicians who came out for the first session of the New Year. The lovely Lisa was on stage singings the Woo Woo's to Sympathy for the Devil with Bro Steve. First time for the lovely Lisa. The music was really good last night with the stage full and the atmosphere great. If you're sitting around on a Thursday night it's well worth your time.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard- Standing in the snow at 1:00 am in my underwear and a T shirt holding a giant box of Bananas

January 2nd 2017

Sunset on Cypress Mountain

      The first posting of the new year. I have been totally preoccupied with the eternal essence of being. Just being me. It's not like I have any trouble doing that. The lovely Lisa and I have been having a fantabulous holiday season. Dr Dan, Julia and Ryland Lostboy where down from Prince George for a few days. They went skiing/ snowboarding for a couple of days while I worked on the giant pile of laundry accumulated over the Christmas Season. The lovely Lisa insists on changing the table cloths for the smallest of stains. I prefer to wait until they're sticky then flip them over for a couple more meals.Different management styles I guess.    

Ski

Apres Ski

Julia had a 1:00 snowboard lesson and the lovely Lisa, Dr Dan and Ryland  Lostboy Skied for three hours when the lesson was done they did  few runs on the bunny hill.

They were almost back at Casa Lisa when they texted me to meet them at the Austin Diner around 7:00 to avoid dishes, cooking or any other type of effort. Bro Steve and I walked over to the Austin Diner for Chinese food. Is there a kid on the planet who doesn't like noodles? Julia had a grilled cheese and fries as an appy before she took a healthy run at a plate of chow mein. She actually lost interest in the fries once the noodle showed up so Auntie Lisa helped her out with the fries.

Dr Dan, Ryland Lostboy and Bro Steve

Julia, Julia, Julia

The Chinese food is what we used to call Chinese Western style. Every little town across the Prairies has a Chinese Western. Besides the not too exotic Chinese food, Chicken fried rice/chow mein and sweet and sour anything they also do liver and onions, home made burgers and an assortment of sandwiches. We ordered family style.We ordered too much, and subsequently ate too much. Bro Steve and I had walked the 100 yards from Casa Lisa to the Diner. The Snowbuddies parked at the restaurant Ryland the lost boy and the lovely Lisa were making for the car when Bro Steve and I berated them into walking back to Casa Lisa a whole 100 yards away. Early to bed and early to rise.       Dr Dan, Julia, Ryland lostboy and the lovely Lisa went to spend some time with Mama Lee before they headed off to Kelowna for New Years. At this point I've done something that made my pictures disappear. Never mind found them.
      That night at 1:00 am I picked up Jen, Christian and the Grandkids at the airport on their return from Christmas with Christians family in Puerta Vallarta. They had a great trip. Everyone is fine
Blah, Blah, Blah! They were exhausted I was tired all the Grandkids wanted to know was where the snow went? There wasn't any snow until we started coming up the hill in Coquitlam. The Grandkids were very disapointed. Next day it snowed for six hours. That was New Years Eve Day.We were planning on going to Bill Taylors New Years eve party. The last one before he moves out to a condo in Cloverdale, or South Surrey as they call it so they don't sound like such hicks!
      It started snowing about 2:00 pm and never stopped at least not up on Blue Mountain. We had a couple of beautiful rib steaks that we planned on throwing on the BBQ before we went out to party. Didn't happen! The BBQ was under two feet of snow and it was still coming down like crazy. This is the part where being married to Chef Boy R Lisa works out really well. She is not only a tremendous Chef but she has the best kitchen stuff. All Clad pots and Henkell fry pans. Including a 16" grill pan that not only cooks evenly but puts those nice grill marks on your meat. I do most of the cooking in our regular lives. The lovely Lisa handles all the major events, Holiday dinners with family, Squatchapalisa and things like that. I made a Squatch Salad and grilled the steaks to perfect! 11/2 inch thick steak, four minutes each side turn it only once, let it rest five minutes and you have the perfectly cooked, medium rare piece of meat! I nuked the left over Chinese noodles for the lovely Lisa and I had steak and salad. I put on 15 pounds over the festive season and I'm scaring the crap out of 300 pounds! How festive is that! Stupid Shortbread! I think next year I'll bake a salad!
      After dinner, with the snow still falling with enthusiasm, we sat there staring at each other with that WTF look on our disappointed faces! But wait! Grow some balls now and we'll include a second chance to go to Bill's party at no extra cost! I went on to the Highway 1 traffic cam and saw that it was raining once you got off the mountain. We loaded my gear,  a giant cheese tray that the lovely Lisa had put together and the Ratdogs in their Christmas coats and pulled out onto the snow covered and largely empty streets of Blue Mountain. Weather is strange when you  live on a mountain. We are around 1000 feet here and we often get snow when the rest of Vancouver gets rain. As we drove down the slick snow covered streets we were glad that the lovely Lisa bought and uses snow tires. By the time we were off the mountain the snow had turned to rain. The roads were clear and wet all the way to the street connected to Bill's street. There, it was snowmageddon! I believe Burnaby, where Bill lives, has a snow removal budget of about $13. They used that to pay a teenager to clear the Mayor's walkway! Lisa dropped me and my gear in front of Bill's house the sound of Rock n Roll filling the neighbourhood with energy. I couldn't wait to get playing. I took my gear inside and then went and checked on how the lovely Lisa was doing trying to park the car. There was a guy out front with a dog about the size of a pony. We started to chat and he said that was his SUV and as soon as Baby Huey of the canine set dropped a loaf he was leaving. I flagged the lovely Lisa down on her fifth or sixth drive by. Baby Huey finally dropped a turd bigger than the Ratdogs the guy cleaned it up wished us a Happy  New Year and the lovely Lisa slipped into the vacated spot like a foot into a slipper! Which we had brought with us. Slippers that is. Not our first rodeo.
      Bill Taylor has over the last few years become a good friend to the lovely Lisa and I and he knows how to throw a music party. Electric pandemonium upstairs and Acoustic pandemonium down stairs. So many talented energetic, fun people. The music, live of course never stopped. With a full drum kit and a bass amp, the joint was rocking. These guys are older than me. Some of them have been playing their instrument for fifty years! I was humbled by the talent in that room. I was also honoured that they let a three chord hack like me join in. I was too busy playing music to take pictures and the lovely Lisa forgot the camera, or probably I forgot the camera. It doesn't matter we didn't have the camera. My phone has a camera but it was in my pocket and the lovely Lisa forgot her phone and our combustibles on the kitchen counter. We did however bring a half open bottle of wine that Bill had brought to Christmas dinner. Hey. He made a point of telling us how good this wine was. It was. I had a glass at Christmas. So I brought it along with a few beers and some sodas and another bottle of red someone left at our house. The lovely Lisa says bringing a an opened bottle of wine is cheesy. I say it's better than letting it sit on top of the fridge until it goes bad or ends up in a gravy recipe! Speaking of cheese! It appears that cheese is the new Spinach Dip. It used to be you would go to a party and there would be half a dozen Spinach Dip Sourdough Bread Bowls on the table. Then it was meatballs of unlimited varieties all with one thing in common COSTCO! It was easy. That's the secret. Ease of preparation, ease of transportation. What's easier than throwing a hunk of cheese on a plate with a few crackers. You don't even have to bring your own plate!
      We were all crowded into the living room for the countdown to midnight. Lot's of noise, guitars screaming, drums pounding and you would think that in the crowd of musically talented people we could have all sung Old Lang Syne in a key found on the diatonic scale! Lot's of hugs and kisses brought in the New Year. We stayed and played until the back of 2:00 said our goodbyes and with Lisa Andretti at the wheel we were home in twenty minutes. We drifted off to sleep about 4:00 the music still playing in my head.
     Sunday was a day of recovery. Starting at 12:30 when I got out of bed. Just in time for the Seahawks game. The lovely Lisa's family have a tradition. On New Years day Mama Lee would make Roast Pork with Black Beans and Rice. They call it a Cuban Dinner. While the lovely Lisa prepared the pork I ran down to the Stupor store for the beans. They were sold out of Black Beans in the can. I bought the dried Black Turtle Beans even though it says soak overnight. I figured Chef Boy R Lisa can make it work. She boiled a pot of water dumped in the beans kept them on a high boil for ten minutes, drained them put them in a large skillet with diced onion and garlic and they may have been the best black beans I have ever eaten.
      When the roast was done and rested we packed it all up and headed over to Mama Lee's care facility for dinner with her. It's gotten too difficult to bring her home these days so we try to do things there. Mama Lee was so happy to see us and to sit down and enjoy a meal together. There's not much conversation with mama Lee any more. Speaking is becoming more challenging for Mama Lee. We took her back to her room after dinner and said our goodbyes. I was home watching football by 8:00.
      Monday broke colder than an ex wife's heart! Poor Dick was trying to get his beak into a feeder that was a solid block of ice. I kept thinking about that scene in A Christmas Story when the kid got his tongue stuck to the post. I put the feeders in the microwave for a minute and Dick was hovering ten feet away before I had them hanging up again. Chef Boy R Lisa is back to work tomorrow with a 1:00 am wakeup call so we went and did her work shop at the Stuporstore. I have never seen it so busy. They were lined up ten deep at every cash register and every cash register was open! I did my share of the shop. I do all the heavy lifting. Cases of soda, gallons of chocolate milk, kilo bricks of cream cheese and all the Yogurts. I was on my way to get the last of my items three gallons of Ice Cream and three packs of tart shells. When all of a sudden I saw an opening in one of the lines. Only five people in front of me and one of them had only a TV! Eureka! I was in that line faster than a teenager on his girlfriend at the Drive In! As people came behind me I told them this was only half my order my wife has the other half and she's caught in traffic by the bananas! Seems I was the only one who thought that was funny. I was just starting to unload my cart when the lovely Lisa made her entrance with a cart piled high with among other things more Christmas Crap. "It was on Sale. It's a great deal half off!" she stated with authority. "Was it Honey, If you don't need it, is it a deal?" I said inside my head deciding that I had already lost this one, why poke the Bear I reasoned. We got through the line and were twenty five dollars short of the free gift. This week five pounds of Bacon. We got to the car when I realised that in my excitement of getting a Mercedes spot in the checkout I had forgotten the Ice Cream and the Tart shells. So! Now not only does Chef Boy R Lisa not have two things she needs for tomorrow it would have put us over the $250 we needed for free bacon! I could have used that Bacon cause my ass was gonna get fried! I'm not a bacon guy anyway. Too much sodium for me. "I'll pick up the ice cream and the tart shells when I go out to the open mic tonight at the Heritage Grill" I said. It's not free Bacon but it's the best I can do. We had left over Black Beans and Rice this time I added Jamaican Pepper Sauce to the beans. Ya Mon! Then the lovely Lisa was off to bed and it wasn't even 6:00. I watched the Juniors play and left the house about 7:00 for New West with the Canucks on the radio. I was at the Heritage Grill about 7:30. There was a good sized turnout for Ukelele club all the friendly Ukelelians where there. I wasn't paying attention and Lucas the Bartender weaselled the sign up board out while I was deeply engrossed in nothing! I ended up fifth in line which is okay. I need to be up and playing and gone to get the ice cream and tart shells before 11:00 or I will have failed at the same task twice in one day...the shame of it!
      My buddy Gerry Sax showed up fashionably late as usual. He's in a unique position as he is almost always the only Sax player and, he's a really good Sax player. His dance card is full as soon as he walks through the door. We worked a little bit on my song Paris last week so I was looking forward to hearing what he had done with the Sax line. He had already played with Sue the Ukelelian on a terrific version of Moondance. After his set with Sue we ran over Paris one more time and we were up next. A young guy named mike was doing an acoustic set and doing a real nice job. Great voice and range. Then it was me. My range is in the kitchen!
      Any way we started the set just Gerry and I three big power chords and Gerry coming in to fill with the sound that only a Sax can make. It was sounding just like I imagined it would. There's not a lot of space in parts of the song but Gerry found his spots and the accents he dropped in were perfect. Half way through the song the volume and the tension in the lyrics builds to a crescendo and that's where we added a Sax solo, an angry sax solo, spewing the notes like a condemnation of the stupidity and hatred that leads people to these horrible acts in the name of a God who preaches hatred! Sorry, got carried away. Right after that Sax solo he was blowing sweet and low as I sang about teaching our kids to love. I was really happy. For our first time, I was impressed. I should have filmed it. Here's an earlier version. The words are the same but the Sax kills it.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MenyPBUutMc

We did brought Mark up onto the drum kit, Maureen on the Cayon Rob on lead guitar and Greg on the bass  We did Turn the Page and Then we packed the dance floor with an extended dance mix of Flip Flop and Fly, maybe 15 minutes worth. Hey they were dancing! You know how often you see that at an open mic?! Jerry was wailing and Rob was riffing the blues like he knew what he was doing. That's that forty years of playing thing again. Big fun for everyone. I trolled the audience for compliments for ten minutes and was in the parking lot at Stuporstore at 10:15. I was home with the ice cream and tart shells safely in the freezer before 11:00.
      I started writing this blog at the Heritage Grill as I often do when I'm waiting to go on stage and  poaching free WiFi. I wrote until Chef Boy R Lisa got up at 1:00 am and helped her load her car. I found myself standing in the snow at 1:00 am in my underwear and a T shirt holding a giant box of Bananas while Chef Boy R Lisa rearranges the load. How's that for a Visual?! I woke up this morning back of 9:00 and finished this with a minimal amount of interruptions. Christian stopped by and the Clinic called to tell me my Colonoscopy will be done at the end of the month. In Freakin Langley! Now I have to pay a $3 toll to have my nether regions violated! I live right in the middle between Eagle Ridge and Royal Columbian Hospitals. I wouldn't even have to go they could just run the hose over to my house from there! At least with out the toll it wouldn't feel so much like prostitution! "Here's three bucks and go heavy on the lube!"
      Now as I near the end of this epic saga. I commend you on your sticktoitiveness. Without pictures it's a long read and thank you for taking the time to read my words, surely taking away valuable time from your important work Crushing Candies. And no I won't power you up or pop your bubbles or anything else so stop sending me that crap! Thank You

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

©2017 Dave Squatch Ward