Return of the Fat Bastard - Last day of school pool party

June 29, 2016

I'm Free!!!!

      The whole concept behind the Fat Bastard blog was for it to be a tool to help me focus on the changes I was trying to make in my lifestyle. I went from 325 lbs down to a low of 270 lbs over the course of a year and was able to maintain that weight right up until the moment the lovely Lisa drove me to Royal Columbian Hospital with chest pain. On December 10th I spent 7 hours with my chest open and they gave me 5 new arteries. I had numerous bad reactions to the drugs they gave me, including an attempt to escape in the middle of the night on the second day after surgery. But that's not really the point. By day four they had me up and moving going to classes and dealing with stairs. You can't be released until you can do 2 flights of stairs. They also show up every morning with a scale. 287 lbs! WTF!!!! 

      I was shocked and stunned. I was also swollen. My legs looked like they were made out of marshmallow! 16 litres of fluid was used in my operation. Evidently it was  having a pool party in my legs. So now, besides feeling like crap physically, I was mentally devastated by the weight gain. I did what I have always done when I'm upset...I ate. Not the lean meats, the fruits and vegetables that I had been eating for close to 2 years. No way! Macaroni and cheese, Ice cream and french fries!
I wanted comfort food. After 20 days in the hospital they discharged me with my body still fighting the second of 3 infections. In all I was on 4 different antibiotics over 45 days. I did not do well on these drugs. Again I treated my issues with more food.
      About the middle of March, legs still swollen and sick all the time from the antibiotics, I stepped on the scale 316 lbs! I should have started the blog right then but I was so embarressed and ashamed that I had done this to my self....Again! So I focused on what I needed to do and on June 8th I weighed in at 296.2 pounds. That's when I started up with Return of the Fat Bastard Blog. The discipline that it takes to do this every day makes it easier for me to stay focused. Plus I have to keep doing things so I have something to write about. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down 10 pounds since I started writing again. That's 20 days

Headed in the right direction

       I had some banking to do in Coquitlam Center then it was off to Mama Lee's to reorganize her room. I took out 4 pieces of furniture and moved virtually everything but the bed. I don't think she's going to be happy about it but now it conforms to the rules.
      Gotta go! Last day of school pool party at Papa Squatch Dayscare and I still haven't mowed the freakin lawn. The front and side lawns are in spots 12 inches deep. We could lose a Ratdog in there!

Elviiiis, come here boy.

         Then my buddy Rick showed up and we caught up as I got the front and side done. I recruited him to take some pictures.

Lawn Boy

Keeping the beast running.

Rick left just as it was time to go pick up Bella and Christo.
      I remember the last day of school. We were all twitching in our desks. Yes I'm that old. Every kid had a desk and a hard wooden chair. We didn't sit in circles like hippies around a campfire. We sat in straight rows with our eyes front. Where the Giant Clock above the wall length blackboard ticked once a month disguised as a minute!  At 3:15 when that bell rang we were up and every one of us stopped at the teachers desk to say goodbye. No hugs, no handshakes just a goodbye Mrs. Hallet.             Christo is going into grade one next year. he still likes school. He told me he's sad that he can't go to school next week. Then I told him we were going to have a pool party and he got over it. Bella is going into grade three and sadly is too smart for her own good. She's getting bored and is no longer enamored with school. Jen was the same, so was I. She does really well but the shine is off. Nutmeg went ballistic when she saw Bella. It's been a while so they had a 3 or 4 minute licking session. It's okay. Nutmeg was licking too! Then a little hoops, a little 3 player 4 corner, Then into the pool.

Not the warmest it's been that's for sure. Kids don't care. Neither do I, obviously!
      They're staying for dinner because Jen and Christian are picking up the new car. They are having a blast. Pool, Trampoline, Hoops always something to do. They ate a whole watermelon in about 5 minutes! They're tiny little kids. Hamburgers and salad for dinner. I was distracted and burnt the burgers but only one side. that's the side I put the cheese on! Then I burnt the freakin buns! They ate the burgers but only Matty ate the bun. Then they had ice cream and were back in the pool for the 5th time today. About 8:00 they got out of the pool for good. Just as I wrote that Christo asked to go back in the pool.

That's alright I can keep an eye on the pool as I water the plants on the front deck and beyond. Beyond being the fact I can reach them with the hose full of cold water.

What can I say? I smile every time I look at this picture 

I had a great time with the Grandkids. The lovely Lisa got home about 9:00 after an 18 hour day and now has a Super Canada Day Weekend. Off till next Monday!! Woo Hoo. Tomorrow, A little Canada Day Eve Poker Tournament!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

    

Return of the Fat Bastard - Something Resembling Beef!

June 28th 2016

The attendant at the Superstore Gas Station in Coquitlam actually washed my windshield!

      Today was a busy day even for me. Today is moving day for Michele. One of my oldest friends and her and the lovely Lisa have become tighter than a Nuns sense of humor! I can see my ability to win any argument on any subject fading right before my eyes. We have lived together before. In 2002, 2 weeks after we were married at our house. Our house caught on fire. Took out the end wall and the whole roof. Water took care of destroying everything else. We stayed at Michele's for 5 months. It helped her out and the Insurance company was happy to pay, less than half of what they were paying for the hotel. I can't tell you where we first met in order to protect the innocent, but mostly the guilty. It was 1985 I was running the Yuk Yuk's in Victoria. And one of Michele's best friends, Mother Teresa, was working for me and threw a spectacular party at the  home they owned at Prospect Lake. We knew right away we were Kindred Spirits. When one of the guests got a little bit obnoxious with her I hung him over the edge of a cliff until he promised to behave himself, which he promised to do almost immediately. I put him down told him once again to be respectful. Then he left. We've been buddies ever since. Michele not the Dick. Turns out he was some mid-level bureaucrat with the liquor licensing board and proceeded to make my life a living hell. We had to serve full meals at our comedy show in order to get a license just to serve beer and wine. Chicken ala King made with turkey, beef bourguignon made with something resembling beef, or for the vegetarians in the crowd a tossed salad with a slice of tomato and half a carrot. $15.95 including the show.

      None of this really has anything to do with the day that I had. I could have easily ducked this stuff. But nooo, Big hearted thick-headed Squatch . I start my day by driving over to the North Shore to pick up a dresser that Michelle has for Mama Lee. At 9:30 in the morning because there's never any traffic then! It was such a beautiful day. It was so nice that it inticed all of Vancouver's worst drivers to go out into the highways and byways of Vancouver and f**** up everybody's day. The first thing you do in Vancouver when you get in your car is turn it to 730 on your am dial. Just the fact that the city can support a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week radio station dedicated to telling you where the worst drivers are wreaking havoc is amazing. Unfortunately by the time you get the alert you're already on the highway and screwed.
      I get on the highway  and join the Lemmings headed towards the cliff they call " Their Job". Me? I'm always happy to go to work. I had the radio cranked 104.3, the new home of the sixties, seventies and eighties! I had the air on stun, the sunroof open and a Hot Jotogo in the drink holder. But you know what?  Every guy I saw cheating in the HOV lane was driving either a BMW or a Lexus. But I guess they have to get where they're going in a hurry so they can afford that penis extension they drive into work everyday. It took well over an hour to make the 30-minute drive but like I said, where do I gotta go. I have another coffee with Michelle and then load the dresser and a couple other things she wanted moved into the truck. I had the Ratdogs with me and even with the air conditioning and fresh water, the little shits drink bottled water. Neither one of them will drink out of a stream or the lake! Spoiled rotten!  They were not comfortable in the car so I took them home. Then I took the dresser to Mama Lee's.
      While I was setting up the dresser the occupational therapist came in and pointed out some things in the room that need to be changed. None of them good. None of them are going to make Mama Lee happy. Unfortunately Mama Lee's condition has deteriorated to the point where it takes two care aides to help her do anything. So the custom Cabinet that our friend Craig made for the side of her bed has to go. It's a beautiful piece of furniture. Up in the attic it goes! Anyway I'm going to have to remodel and remove a great deal of the stuff that she has in her room.
      I was dripping wet by the time we were finished. I'm pretty sure they still have the heat on. Old people get cold easy. You see I'm always hot so I must be eternally young! I got home had a nice luke warm shower and dressed for my appointment at 4 o'clock downtown. Again the drivingly challenged were out in full force. This time someone was looking out for me. All the crashes were in the eastbound Lanes and there were three or four of them! I didn't even hit any traffic till I got off at 1st Avenue. I was at my appointment 20 minutes early. But I got free parking only one and a half blocks away. I walk in and who do I see Winslow something or other he was Bryan Myers when I knew him years ago. Holmes, Winslow Holmes. That's it. I knew everyone in the room and everyone in the room knew me. That's what it's like these days. After my interview I went down to the car turned on 730 a.m. all traffic all the time, and discovered that the demolition derby on number 1 East was actually worse then it was when I came in. The lineup for the number one went all the way back the Cassiar connector. I don't know why I drove across the Lions Gate Bridge into North Van. Perhaps I fell and struck my head and was unaware of the severe brain injury I obviously suffered. Michelle's old place was right by Capilano Road. Right on the other side of the Lians gate bridge. It still took a long time to get to the bridge. About 45 minutes to make the 15-minute Drive. The bridge was a breeze. It was moving along quite nicely. I have never understood why traffic slows down on a bridge. It's not like you can turn! Though I saw several drivers who I would happily watch plunge to their deaths just for being supremely stupid!
     She had two guys and a truck coming to move the bulk of her furniture but there were a few things that the lovely Lisa wanted for the garden. I loaded them up. And a few things for Michele. The traffic off the North Shore was horrendous. All the entrance ramps to the number one we're backed up for blocks. Then when you got on to the number one it was a parking lot. So I turned up the radio had a little something something to take the edge off.  Cranked up the tunes and I got off at Hastings Street. At least it was moving. I stopped at the Red Apple on Hastings at 6:50. They close at 7 and they almost run me down in their haste to bring the outdoor carts full of fruit into the store for the night. Then they started pulling the nightshades down over the food while I was reaching in to get some plums. You can't actually hear the Chinese accent while I'm writing it, but he said to me "You go way, come back tomorrow!" as he herded me towards the till. From there the traffic wasn't bad I went over the Burnaby Mountain Speedway at warp factor 5. Quick stop at cheap thrills and I was home eating chicken and salad for dinner. As a bonus Tamara has an Aunt and Uncle who are Okanagon Fruit heads. She gave me 4 gorgeous tomato's she got from them.

Baseball sized tomato's

      The movers got here and they unloaded. She has this giant Mexican armoire that's made out of I think, Ironwood cuz it weighs about 300 pounds. Between the hired help myself and my tenant Chris we manage to get it into her space. Through the middle of Chris and Tamara's living room. I got great tenants.
      And that's it. While Michele tried to get organized enough that she could get into her bed. With the occasional break on the front deck to enjoy the aroma of the Jasmine. Then Michele went down to her room and went to bed. And I wrote this entire blog on my cell phone. The punctuation is bad and I'm not sure how much damage the auto correct has done.
All told I drove 84 kilometers today it took me 3 hours and 37 minutes. My GPS told me so! Also I was kind of lame on the picture thing. You'll just have to actually read it!


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - She's washing her hair

June 27th 2016

I only have eyes for you.

      Nothing like a good nights sleep to bring everything into focus. Yesterday I took the day off  blogging. That let me go to bed at 11:00. I slept right through until my alarm went off at 7:00. I like this time of day. The morning traffic hasn't quite started yet. We live on a busy street and have a Bus Stop right across the street from our front deck. This is the time I usually water the plants on the front deck. Or did until I started staying up till the wee hours writing. The thing is, I am always pretty busy. That's pretty much why I have something to write about. I'm not nearly clever enough to make shit up! I do have a slightly skewed perception of the world around me and tend to try to find the humor in everything that happens to me. Even when I was waiting for my heart surgery I was cracking jokes with the Nurses, Doctors and anyone else who would listen. You know, Boob jobs and penis implants! Then I threw up on the Nurse! I don't know if it was the jokes or the projectile vomit but that's the last thing I remember until I woke up with 3 new zippers and the lovely Lisa holding my hand. The point I'm trying to make is I need to figure out how to write the blog and live the things I write about and still get some sleep. 

      I left the house at 8:00 for a 9:15 appointment downtown. I was there in plenty of time. The appointment went well. I left and drove home. See, sometimes nothing happens! If every day was like this I would have to change the title to Return of the Fat Bore! I'm off to pickup Mama Lee for an appointment with an opthamologist always an adventure.
     Well that didn't work out. Mama Lee wasn't up to going out today. She doesn't really need to see an opthamologist. She worked for an opthamologist in New York City in 1970 and on occasion, in her mind, I think  she goes back there. Without a doubt the mental deterioration is much harder to deal with than the physical issues. Sometimes its hard to watch.
      We are being invaded by the apple tree. It is a five way and supposed to be a Dwarf!

Hundreds of apples

Taking over the arbor and the sandbox

Yum Yum 

The freakin things a Dwarf like I am! It makes lots of apples but it has gotten out of control. They are all really good eating apples. They should be ready around the time Squatchapalisa 14 - Pirates for Peace takes place August 13. If caught liberating apples, you will be forced to consume them! ARRGGHH! That was a long way for that shameless plug. Matey!
      I had to get some more promo shots. I don't tell you about my auditions unless I get something. Of course then I tell you that I got a part and they write my part out! Just smile and cash the cheque. That's my agent Nancy talking. It's a series. If it gets picked up ?? They already cast you once. It's good to have an optimistic Agent. Hard to believe we've been together since 1988.
      This is the head shot I'm using right now. It was also my High School year book picture. I just printed four at Walmart. I used to buy them 100 at a time. At the rate I'm using them these days 100 would last me 20 years!

Business Squatch

Michele is going to take new head shots after she moves in. I'm trying to write this as I go so I can get on some kind of a schedule. I was supposed to be lawn boy today but never got around to it. Chef Boy R Lisa got home around 4:30 and we had a quick bite to eat before she went to bed. Now I'm sitting in front of the Heritage Grill in New Westminster.

Open Mic at the Heritage Grill

It's open mic night! I'm hoping to get some pictures tonight. The problem is it's hard to take a selfie when you're playing a guitar and singing. The lovely Lisa seldom is able to attend these open mics because of her work schedule. Or she's washing her hair. She seems to wash her hair a lot! I'm sitting out front in my car for two reasons. First it's too loud in the grill because there is 40 ukulele players in there all playing at once. And 2 there's 40 ukulele players in there! I'm only kidding. They play music and they sing it doesn't get any better than that. Not only that some of those ukulele ladies are pretty mean!
     I was third up and I hit the stage about 9:15 I played Paris solo. Then brought Ernie up to play lead guitar and Greg to play bass while Maureen laid down a solid beat on the drums. Paris, Clarissa, Love Monkey Blues and a cover of Marshall Tuckers Can't you see. Ernie wailed on the solos. Big fun. No pictures but one very long video that I can't figure out how to shrink to put in the blog. So here's one of the songs I did. Previously recorded.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va6OnX0plsY

 I was home and kicked back by 10:30.

That's all I've got
Till next Time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Good enough for god, Good enough for me!

June 26th 2016

      The bible says "On the seventh day he rested" Good enough for God, good enough for me.The blog I mean. I have been busy all day. I dropped the lovely Lisa Off at Stupor store while I went to IKEA to replace the faucet down stairs. It was one of the best IKEA trips ever. I walked up to one of the Yellow Breasted Nonothings. I showed him the faucet. He handed me a slip, I paid, I walked to the pickup counter and 5 minutes later I was headed back to Stupor Store. Faucet in hand.

      This was the biggest shop I can remember Chef Boy R Lisa ever doing. I'm just the muscle! I needed my muscles this time. Flats of sodas, giant bags of rice and 139 lbs of bananas! She's working on a remake of Planet Of The Apes........Just kidding. She's making banana cream pie tomorrow.

When we got home I helped unload the car and was just about to head down to the plumbing job from Hell when Duffy showed up. Saved! We sat and watched golf. That's what Sundays are about. 

       After Duffy left I was out of excuses. I did it! I used my legendary flexability to contort myself into the tiny cabinet and switched out the faucet without hurting myself!

That's all I've got 

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - New Car Smell

June 25th 2016

Just another Parrot Head

      Well I`ll be dipped in buttermilk and called a fritter! Jen and Christian just bought a car. A brand new Toyota Corolla. They needed a car. Christian`s 20 year old Toyota Corolla is approaching it`s end. The motor is still strong but the car is disintegrating around him. He`s taking the Van which will make his job as a painter much easier. And Jen will drive the new car. I`m glad everyone will have a reliable vehicle. I just want to get me some of that new car smell.

And in 10 years the car will be mine!!

      In order to buy the above mentioned car they dropped the Grandkids off for Papa Squatch Dayscare. It`s not a great day weather wise but good enough to chase their little butts outside. It`s too cold to swim so they would rather watch TV or Play on the computer. Not on my watch! Within minutes they were playing and having fun. Bouncing on the trampoline and hitting each other. I'm hoping that they have a growth spurt soon so I can get them pushing the lawn mower.
      Jen and Christian stopped by to tell us about the car. They were on their way to a Notary to sign a visa application for Christians brother Mario to come for a visit. The Grandkids were playing in the yard and asking me every 3 minutes if it was time yet. They are going to a Birthday Party down at Maklin Park at 1:00. Bella can tell time but there's no clock in the yard. Christo can read the numbers but I don't know if he gets what they mean yet.
      At 1:00 we drove down to the park. I dropped the kids off with Reed's mom and swung by the recycling depot to drop off an old Microwave oven and a bag of broken electrical doodads. They won't let you put them in the blue box or the garbage.  I understand the garbage but the Blue Box? Isn't that actually called the recycling box?
      When I got home we started putting some more stuff into the attic. As full as our house is the attic is fuller. The floor up there is the dance floor from our wedding. The attic only has 3 feet of head room so unless your a midget or a limbo dancer there will be no dancing on the dance floor.

May I have this dance?

With Michele moving in we need to create a space for her to store some stuff. I'm going to lay down another piece of plywood to create more space. I just have to cut it in half to get it through the attic door. Right now the lovely Lisa, Rafter Rat is scurrying around above me doing ??????. I'm drinking ice tea and awaiting further instructions.
      On the weather front it's clearing up quite nicely. We are going to a musical party at our friend Annamette's place in Richmond tonight. A great group of talented and interesting people as well as some excellent musicians. I keep saying we should start a band called The F.O.G. That stands for
The Fuckin Old Guys! Sometimes there's 150 years of musicianship playing at one time. Lots of the guys have been playing for more than 40 years. I'm always honored when they let a hack like me sit in with them.
      When we finish with the attic I am going to repair the Tomato box that was smashed when the top of the pine tree came down in the windstorm last spring.

Broken

I was on a roll. Not only did I repair the damaged tomato box.

Repaired

I worked the soil and planted some Cukes and squash that Michele had brought over in pots.

Planted

 I still have a bunch of tomato plants that I grew from seed and I will put them in tomorrow. They're still pretty small. When I got out of the hospital at the end of December I noticed that one of my hanging tomato baskets still had tomatoes on it. They are called Tumbling Toms and they make hundreds of marble size fruit. They were all soft and wrinkley so I threw them in a pot with some soil and they grew. I pulled the three biggest plants from the clump of tomato plants that came up and put them in their own hanging baskets. They're doing great. I still have 100 or so various sized plant to do I don't know what with.
      I was just about to go get them off the front deck when Chris, my tenant, said the kitchen faucet was leaking and no amount of duct tape was going to fix it. I have known about this for about a month. I have the best tenants ever. They always let me know right away if there is an issue and I usually take care of it right away. Not this time! Why? You may ask. I hate plumbing! I especially hate plumbing in places where 280 lb men don't fit.

One of the many places I don't fit!

Like under the kitchen sink.

I did manage to get my head in.

It's the weirdest thing. The leak is in the spout. That's right the long neck thingy that squirts the water into the sink. Leaking right in the middle of the spout. I've been adding more duct tape but if water carved the Grand Canyon what chance does my little IKEA faucet stand! I got it out and planned to go right down to IKEA and get a replacement. Why IKEA? you may ask. Because 8 years ago I put in a new IKEA kitchen and had them install it. IKEA is all metric. So are the holes they drilled in the counter top. All the big brands are not. Faucet in hand I headed upstairs to get my wallet.
      "We're meeting the gang at Rivers Reach at 5:00 Honey" the lovely Lisa informed me as I walked in the house. Dripping with sweat from my undersink adventures and, as an added bonus, I was covered in dirt from the tomato box and left a trail of muddy workboot footprints all around the kitchen. "EEEEWWW, You have to have a shower." the lovely Lisa said as I reached out to smooch her. I found myself clutching air where her face once was. "And hurry up. We're going to be late again" Once I was showered and shiny, I put IKEA and the magic faucet on hold till tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow because Tamara has a new baby and water in the kitchen might come in handy! Okay I can't let it go. Nobody has an old baby. Why do we always say  "Is that the new Baby?"  " What this old thing? No, it's one I got at the used baby store! It's actually 13 but small for it's age! Well that's for tomorrow and if I don't stop going sideways I'll never get this finished!
      Rivers Reach for half price pizza night. Willy and Annie, G McT, Duffy and Sharon were waiting when we got there 20 minutes late.

Duffy, G McT, Willie, Sharon, Annie and the lovely Lisa

 I was alright with it. The place was as usual, packed. but because we were late they had already secured us a landing spot. Three large Pizzas and some hot wings. I think Rivers Reach makes the best Pizza in the area. Crispy thin crust and generous toppings with plenty of cheese. And at 1/2 price! The place is crawling with Scotsmen. All yelling for warm beer and  deep fried Pizza!
      The back of 7:00 we headed out to Annamette's place near the airport in Richmond. It only took about 25 minutes to get there. There was already a good crowd when we got there. After all the hello's were said I settled in with my guitar to play some tunes and the lovely Lisa was off setting up the cheese tray she brought and making herself tea. I don't know where the time went. We took turns picking songs and some of them turned out pretty good. Of course on some songs we have 6 guitar players. That's a lot of solo's! It also makes for a very long song. There are some talented people sitting around the fire tonight. The Double Bills, Taylor and Frew on guitar,  the Ukalele lady Linda, Jerry on the sax and Gary, Basil and myself also on guitar. With Leon keeping the beat on his Cajon box drum. The effervescent Julia lead the female vocals and numerous and unnamed, because I can't remember them all' joined in with the singing.

Bill Taylor

Bill Frew

Linda Ukelele Lady

Julia and Gary

Jerry and I

Double Bill and Leon on the drum

Early tunes

      It was a great time with fabulous people who love making music and all the good vibes that go with it. Around midnight we said our goodbyes. We thanked our hostess Annamette profusely and smiled all the way home. Our hearts full of song and our belly's full of cheese.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Going around in circles!

June 24th 2016

I just like this picture

      "Will he go round in circles?" as Billy Preston once inquired. Yes I will! First of all, I've discovered a way to keep your day full and busy. Don't get out of bed until 11:00 am.  In the last blog I said it was 2:30 and I was going to bed. Didn't happen. I opened up this game I play called Luxor. It plays full screen so there is no clock visible while I'm playing. I was going to bed so my wrist watch is on the night stand and for some reason there is no other clock in my office. I was snapped out of my Vidiot like trance when the lovely Lisa got up to go to the bathroom. "It's 5 am .......Idiot" she said under her breath as she went by my office door. The Idiot part under her breath, not the 5 am part. Then I slept till 11:00. 

      I didn't have two mouthfuls of Jo in me when I was recruited for a shopping trip to Walmart! In Surrey ! It's the last Walmart in the lower mainland that has the item she needs. It's a 3 gallon Beverage dispenser with a fancy silver spout $25 and she needs it for work. The last one was damaged when one of the other chefs didn't secure things properly in the truck then drove back down the Sea to Sky Hwy like Evel Knievel! 

      In keeping with my Scottish temperament, rather than pay the $3 on the Port Mann Bloodsucking Toll Bridge we thought we would just scoot over to the Pattullo Bridge which is Free. My favorite price. But is it really free? When you sit in a virtual parking lot of vehicles, undoubtedly filled with fellow Scotsmen trying to avoid the toll, for 20 minutes, is it Free? Does my time have no value? Do I not lead a full and busy life full of important things to do and important people to meet?! 

      No I do not! My life is full of mundane tasks and small projects that may or may not result in generating some level of usefulness. Time is irrelevant at this point in my existence! I don't want to sound cliche, but in the back of my mind, after what I've been through the last few months, I feel that I'm living on borrowed time. A second chance if you will. The opportunity to live every day to it's fullest! A wake up call to stop and smell the Roses.
      For a guy who didn't want to sound too cliche I sure can drop them! The point being, generally speaking, I have no where to go and all day to get there! Okay last one, I promise. For now.
      This is where the going in circle part starts. The lovely Lisa, Go cup of tea in hand went down to start Otto for the trek to Surrey. I closed the door. I got half way down the stairs when I realised I didn`t have my wallet. I also didn`t have my keys. So I got the keys from the lovely Lisa went in and got my wallet. Beating back the Ratdogs who tried to make a break for it I was half way down the stairs when I realised I had no glasses Sun or Reading. The Ratdogs tried the escape on 2 fronts approach and it almost worked. Nutmeg coming from the left slipped past me.....briefly! I spun like a Ninja and scooped her up by her halter. I was just getting into the car when the lovely Lisa asked me where my coffee was. Damn! This time I would outsmart the Ratdogs. I came in the back door. It wasn't hard because I had left the doors wide open. I grabbed my Jotogo and we were finally on the road.

The Hydrangea I passed several times on my way to the car.

      Once we finally got to and across the Pattullo Bridge it was clear sailing all the way back to 152nd Street. Which is right by the Port Mann Bloodsucking Toll Bridge, which is right beside our house! On the bright side, we saved $3. Yay. 

     Surrey must have the biggest Walmart in the city. It's huge. What is truly amazing is that they can run this place with 13 people! That's the same number of people they need to run a 7-11! The lovely Lisa had checked on line and this was the only place in the lower mainland that had them. We looked high and low, first for the beverage dispenser then for anyone who worked there! While the lovely Lisa was hunting down the elusive Blue Vested Stock Boy, I bought a pretty cool T shirt for Canada Day. I've been wearing the same one for ten years now.

ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS!!!!

      I loitered in the Produce section for a while......touching all the fruit. Making pornographic sculptures with the bananas, coconuts and kumquats! You know just, waiting around bored guy stuff. I caught a glimpse of a bright yellow windbreaker being chased by 42 inches of hair. The lovely Lisa had spotted the rare Blue Vested Stock Boy and was in hot pursuit. 

      As the muscle of this operation I have to keep up or she will just ditch me. Then when I find her she has an armload of stuff and a stern look on her normally Angelic face. So I tear off after her. She was easy to follow, in that bright yellow jacket, she looked like a Hairy Canary. Hey, that rhymes! I'm a poet and I didn't know it. Because my feet are Longfellows and smell like the Dickens! Wait a minute!!! That was funny when I was a kid! 

      Okay, back to Walmart. The Lovely Lisa caught up to the Blue Vested Stock Boy. It turned out to be a female of the species. She knew exactly where to take us to find the 3 gallon beverage dispenser with the fancy silver spout $25. The aisle at the end of the shoe department. Where else? Probably 20 aisles from the kitchen wares. There were 4 left. In the whole of the lower mainland.

The Holy Grail.....of Beverage Dispensers

      Chef Boy R Lisa bought them all. Then she giggled and laughed all the way home so happy with her new purchase. When you feed a couple of hundred people a day you need them and they're seasonal. Oh yeah, all the way home took 7 minutes over the Port Mann Bloodsucking Toll Bridge.

The Bloodsucking Port Mann Toll Bridge 30 seconds...$3

4 minutes from home

       So we drove in a big 2 hour circle to get to a place 7 minutes from our house to save 3 dollars. That's sticking it to the man! They'll have to pry that toll out of cold dead hand! The lovely Lisa is out in the garden and I'm sitting in my office writing this Blog. 

      I'm hungry. I don't know why I'm telling you this. By the time you read this I will have had something to eat and my being hungry will be a moot point. I really only wrote this last line so everyone could say moot. Go ahead. Say it. Say moot! It's a funny word. Ah, never mind I guess it's pointless!........... get it? I think I'm delerious with hunger. Or perhaps "I AM MOOT!" 

I stole that from Guardians of the Galaxy.
      Alright I'm back. I've been a busy little Squatch while I was gone. First I had to eat something. Chef Boy R Lisa brought home these Pakora like dumplings that were amazing. I had a couple of those and a yogurt.

Pakora and french`s mustard...yum yum

Now I'm back to my regular delerium. Right after lunch we were on Cherry picking duty.

Cherry picking Mama

The lovely Lisa climbed up to the top of the tree and then to the top of the ladder while I used my 14 foot pole saw/grappling hook to pull the cherry laden branches closer all the while providing ballast on the step Ladder.

With a little help from my pole.

Ask the lovely Lisa if you don't believe me. I make excellent Ballast!! She says it's one of the things I'm really good at! I don't recall if I told you, and I'm way too lazy to look back 5 posts, but we have a 5 way cherry tree. The Bing's are early and what is left of them are splitting with all the rain the last week or so. There are a ton of sour cherries but unless your making pie or jam?? The ones that are ready now are called Montrose and they are amazing.

OMG

and tasty too!

I ate all the ones I could reach from the ground while the lovely Lisa was up the ladder with a bag around her neck foraging for her family.

My Cherry Pickin Bag Lady

Like the Pioneers of old the women folk do all the work. I stood guard with the fearless Ratdogs ready to defend against marauding crows and raccoons!

A little more than 5 lbs

Happy Happy Happy

      We were getting ready to head downtown to pickup Dr Dan just before 7:00 then off to Tentatsu to meet up with Bro Steve and G McT for a sushi spectacular before we whisk him off to the airport for his 10:30 flight to Prince George. Dr Dan that is. Not G McT.
      The lovely Lisa said "Get ready! We gotta get going, I want to see Mom on the way out! I just have to put on the kettle" So I probably only have another 10 minutes of waiting time. That's my job I wait.
      I managed to make my way to the car on the first attempt and we started off on another adventure. We were going to swing by Mama Lee`s for a visit and to give her some cherries. She's having a bit of a tough go right now so it was good to see her smiling when we came in. She was smiling even bigger once she got into the cherries. We spent half an hour talking and making plans to bring her here to the house to watch the movie Brooklyn. We can no longer transport her in the truck she needs to be able to stay in her chair. Taxi Time.
      We headed down to Robson Street where Dr Dan was picking up his new glasses. We went past where he was going the wrong way an d then made a left turn into West End Hell!!!! Dead ends barricades, one way streets. Dr Dan was left standing on the street corner like a common street walker while Lisa Andretti blocked 3 lanes of traffic while trying to make a left hand turn across Burrard Street at 6:45 on a Friday night. Finally an Asian woman in a giant SUV took pity on us and let us in. Lisa Andretti found a pit stop right on the corner of Burrard and Robson. The wrong corner. I could see Dr Dan across the street. I got out of the car and started calling his name and waving my arms. He never saw me! Judging by the looks on the faces of all the people between me and Dr Dan they saw me fine!
      We crossed the Street and got into the car for the quick trip to Tentatsu. Bro Steve and G McT were meeting us there. We were running late when Bro Steve called to say there was a lineup and he had put our name in. By the time we got to the restaurant we were on deck. G McT was a first timer here and was not impressed with the time or the traffic it took to get here. It was a really fun table. We laughed and joked and ate so much really good Japanese food. Wild Salmon Sashimi so bright and firm, man it was nice. Vancouver Roll made with Unagi and so much more food.

Part of the meal

After a lengthy meal and several cups of tea I needed to use the facilities. When I got back it was a Scotsman's dream. The tab was already paid. We said our goodbyes to Bro Steve and G McT and headed off to the Airport to send Dr Dan back to Prince George. Conversation on the way was all about the end of July. Stephen "Squidly" Decker is coming for a visit. He was here last in the winter where he spent 3 fabulous days falling down Cypress Mountain on a snowboard. Have you ever seen a 6'6" 140 pound guy tumble down a mountain?  He looked like a Squid doing cartwheels! Okay, I'm off topic again. He's here from the 20th to the 26th so he will be going to the Hillbilly Hoedown at the Devlin's this year. Squidly is maybe the smartest person I have ever met. He worked for NASA one year, then worked for the European Space Agency in Italy the next year. The third year they were fighting over him so he did 6 weeks with each of them. All while getting his degree at one of the top engineering schools in the U.S. I can't wait till he gets here. My laptop is Fucked!!

      With Dr Dan Safely launched back to the far North, the lovely Lisa and I meandered home by the back roads so we could enjoy the view. Huge piles of sawdust, dump trucks and assorted factories with their lights off and gates closed. You don't get to see that every day. All in all, a pretty good Day.

That's all I've got

Till next time 

Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Severe energy deficiency

June 23rd 2016

Looking up in Las Vegas

      It's been a long time since I did nothing. I think I had a case of the rainy day blues. I had to cancel our T time at Guildford and it put me in a funky mood. For only the second time in 14 years have we did not play golf on our anniversary. The first time was our tenth and we snorkeled on the great barrier reef then played golf the next day. Our Anniversary Boxing day. Alas the foul weather kept us home. 

Froggy went a courtin!

       Let me explain about the golf thing. 16 years ago I was doing a show called So Weird. Chef Boy R Lisa was one of the caterers. She actually met my daughter Jen before she met me. When we did first meet she thought I was a Teamster. I guess it was because I was always hanging around the trailers doing dick! That's Teamsterese for working hard at looking like you're working hard. She didn't know I was one of the actors until that fateful day when she was eavesdropping on a conversation I was having with one of the child actors Father. We were arranging a golf game for the weekend. He told me his oldest son was coming back from University and wanted to play a round. Then he said We'll need a fourth. Before I could say anything Chef Boy R Lisa popped out of the trailer and said "I play golf." That was that. We shared a golf cart, a case of beer and a picinic lunch that she had brought. 

A Chicken eating a coconut on Kuaia

       It was magic right from the start. Not the relationship, the golf. The lovely Lisa doesn't give a shit about the score, neither do I. If we aren't playing with someone who wants to keep score we don't even take a scorecard. Who cares. We're out on the grass getting a little exercise and enjoying each others company. 18 months later we got married. 14 years later we're still playing golf and still loving each others company. With a little luck we'll get in a round of Pitch and Putt tomorrow. 

The lovely Lisa addressing the ball

      As for today. Denada! Squat! Diddly and Zilch! That's how much energy we mustered today. At least the lovely Lisa had a little motivation. She is in the process of reorganizing the kitchen. She needed my help for some heavy lifting but other than that I was left to my own devices. I played some guitar, watched some FOX news to see what the Excited States was up to. I didn't like what they had to say so I turned it over to MSNBC, I didn't care for their version of the news either. I think I'll just write my own news stories.  

Adrian!! In Philladelphia of course!

 BREAKING NEWS......... Today on the campaign trail nobody called anyone Crooked, Fraud or Liar. Hillary told the truth about Bengahzi and the emails and The Donald admitted his Billions are all tied up in wages for Mexican wall builders. 

The lovely Lisa. Mardi Gras in NOLA

      Lethargy is contagious. Before I knew what was what it was 6:00 and I was getting hungry. I had a bowl of the most amazing lentil soup and a salad for lunch about 12:00. Our original plan was dinner at Tentatsu. That would involve getting out of my chair and putting on my pants. "Why don't I whip up a Curry In A Hurry" the lovely Lisa suggested. " If it doesn't involve me putting on pants, I'm in!" Rice into the rice cooker, some nice beef, cubed and sauteed. Then a jar of Patakis Curry sauce. We keep a jar or 2 on hand for Curry In A Hurry. Usually Chef Boy R Lisa makes her curries from scratch. Roasts the spices then grinds them and builds the curry from the roue out. With the kitchen reorganizing and the three 16 hour days she just worked her energy level was down a bit as well. Rainy days!

Marin Headlands and the golden Gate Bridge

       The Curry in a hurry was delicious. After dinner while the lovely Lisa was nodding off on the couch I was playing Free Cell and halfway watching Big Bang Theory. Around 9:00 the lovely Lisa woke up long enough to kiss me goodnight and trundle off to bed.  I found myself lost in recorded episodes of Blue Bloods and this stupid fish video game that never ends and you can never win! And of course, I was doing that instead of writing this blog. 

Gratuitous cute dog shot. awwww Nutmeg.

      Now it's 2:30 am and I'm just about done for the day. It only took me about 40 minutes to write this. It's easier when you're not trying to write the story around pictures you took that day. That's good because I never took a single picture today. I'm going to throw some in just for fun. And it makes the blog seem longer! 

Mental as anything!

P.S. My spell checker isn't working. Im usuly a purdy gud speller so know Prablum!

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all