Who's a Fat Bastard - I had enough skin to build a small child.

March 27, 2015

      Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It's been four days since my last blog. When last I wrote we were celebrating Christo's birthday. That was Monday and I was still having some major foot  issues. 

My bruised heels were doing nicely but the blister on my left foot was still a problem. So I spent all of Tuesday playing footsie with myself. I had out the self heating, vibrating foot bath and sat with my feet soaking until they were shrivelled and pruned! The lovely Lisa has a Pumis stone that's so rough it removes the skin from your heels in layers. After 5 minutes of scraping, I had enough skin to build a small child. 

Chinese Lantern Plant gone to seed, cool huh?

      I went to visit Mama Lee and see how things were going with getting her a new wheelchair. The progression of her Parkinsons requires that her new chair has neck supports and that the seat is adjustable. It's all going to happen on Thursday. It was a beautiful day and Mama Lee wanted to go for a walk at the lake but I was wearing my crocs and they are not conducive to pushing a wheelchair. I did however do two laps with the Rat dogs and my feet held up well. 

Lot's of people fishing

By the time I got my Ho warning from the lovely Lisa at 18:30 my feet were actually feeling pretty good. I was working security on Wednesday and Thursday this week and I didn't want to do that on sore feet. The blister on the inside of my heel has healed quite nicely but the blister on the outside of my heel is taking longer.

View from the Magnolia tree.

      By the time the lovely Lisa was home she has less than 8 hours before she had to go back to work. The lovely Lisa and I had a dinner of leftover movie food that Chef Boy R Lisa brought home. A peck on the cheek and she was in bed. The lovely Lisa is being the kiss Nazi! No kisses until my mouth heals. It worked out pretty well, the lovely Lisa was in bed before the Canucks  game started.

The Canucks won the game. I had a shave and a shower and was in bed before 11:00 with the alarm set for 07:00. I always shave for work the night before. If I shave in the morning, I look like I came from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I've been shaving for 45 years and still can't do it right!

Genesis the company I work for was dropping off a shirt for me to wear on the job. It hadn't arrived by the time I went to bed but I had left instructions where they should leave the shirt. When I got up in the morning the shirt wasn't there. Having worked for these people for a little while now

I realised that the alcove by the front door sounds an awful lot like the carport! And voila, there it was. The shirt fit really well, right up to the part where it had no buttons in the middle. I put a staple in it, called Genesis to bring me another shirt and went to work in Mission.

      I was doing security for the Mission Ministry of Social Services or whatever they call themselves these days. In the vernacular of the common man, it was Welfare Wednesday. It was the first time I had worked at the Ministry and I had no idea what to expect. The office manager Lisa showed me around the lunch room and bathroom. That doesn't sound right. She showed me where they were.

They gave me the keycard so I could come between the front of the house and the back of the house.

The workers sit behind a desk that raises and lowers. They can be raised all the way to the ceiling turning the office into a bunker. I guess there can be issues. I didn't have any issues.

      They were lined up about 100 deep when the doors open at 9:00. My instructions were to let in only 10 people at a time. Mission is a small town. The people who are on assistance there seemed to all know each other. It was like a party in that line up. Everyone that came through those doors was as respectful to me as I was to them.

      At 10:30 another SP named Sammy arrived to do a four hour shift with me. Sammy was a small, brown, 60 something man from Fiji. He told me he had been there the day before and had taken quite a bit of verbal abuse. I worked with him for the two days I was there. He was a very nice man who has led a very interesting life. I managed to put over 11,000 steps on my pedometer each day. That's pretty good since the room is only fifty feet long. At the end of the day there were still people trying to get in for their checks. The second day it was not nearly as busy. The office was never empty but there was seldom a line up. All in all I enjoyed it. I think I do well in any situation where there are people to interact with. People are people. Last week the people at TED had money and means this week the people had nothing. Still just people. 

      I'm finished work at 16:15  so I was just ahead of the traffic. I was home in 25 minutes. The lovely Lisa is working an extra day these last two weeks of  season four . Next Thursday is her last day as Chef Boy R Lisa  for three months. The lovely Lisa got home about 19:30 and told me that her  brother Dr Dan was in town for meetings and  she was meeting him down town at 20:30. I stayed home and watched the Canucks suck long, hard and steady. The lovely Lisa was home at 22:30 as I was getting ready for bed,  Papa Squatch Dayscare starts at 07:30 Friday.  

      I was up with a cup of drippy Joe in hand  when Christian dropped off the Grandkids . Jen is crazy busy with her new job and Christian starts work at 08:00. I had a crazy morning planned myself. At 08:40 we walked Bella to school with enough time for them to work out some energy in the playground before school. When the bell rings the kids all get in line and all the adults wander off as their kids enter the school. I had just enough time for another cup of drippy Joe before I took Christo to Preschool. 

      I always take him to school the same way. They are building an eight unit housing development right around the corner from us. There were once three houses on that property. Christo and I stop there for a minute or two every time we go by. We have watched it from the logging of the land, to the pouring of the foundations and now the first of the houses has the siding on and they're working on the inside. 

     I dropped Christo and headed to the Dr's office for a 09:40 appointment. I am doing so well with the new lifestyle I wanted to start the conversation about reducing the meds I'm on. We reduced one of the diabetes drugs. The results from my blood work on Monday were excellent. From my glucose levels to my cholesterol, everything was perfect. Next stop. The dentist.

      If there is any consolation to going to the Dentist I guess it's that this one was a freebie. Sort of. The composite filling that was put into my mouth in February, fell out. Replaced no charge. I got free needles, a free dental dam crammed into my mouth and free drilling. Woo hoo, I gotta buy a lottery ticket. I paid for the coffee that was freely running from between my frozen lips on the drive home! I had just enough time to drive over to Preschool to pick up Christo.

      At home I made Christo grilled cheese for lunch and then packed him up for a trip with the Rat dogs to visit Mama Lee and go to Como Lake. They screwed up Mama Lee's wheel chair. The front wheels were set up so poorly you couldn't turn the chair right or left without them hitting the frame. I spent forty minutes on the phone with the people from Regency who did the work the day before trying to explain the issue. I finally just said "send someone now, the chair isn't working!" 

Then I packed the Rat dogs and Christo and we were off to the park for an hour. It was another beautiful day. A little overcast but not raining with little patches of blue sky peaking around the pale grey clouds. 

It's been raining for a couple of days and the Left Coasters are feeling put upon. Perfect walking, stone throwing, rock climbing weather if you ask me and Christo. 

      We parked the truck, put the Ratdogs inside and hurried over to meet Bella when she got out of school. Today was the 100th day of the school year. This is how they spend our tax dollars.

Bella 100 days smarter.

 "100 Days Smarter" 

Me too!

Christian showed up just as we got back to the house. We talked for a few minutes but he was totally bagged and left pretty quick.

      Dr Dan was on the 19:20 flight back to Prince George so we decided we would meet him for dinner then drive him back to the airport. We left for town just after 16:00 when Dr Dan texted us that the meeting was running late. That's okay the lovely Lisa had a gift certificate for Aveda in Gastown she wanted to use. I sat in the alleyway with the Ratdogs while the lovely Lisa went in to get what she wanted. As parking lot waits go this one was pretty quick. 15 minutes and she was back with $80 worth of moisturising creams.

      We picked Dr Dan up on west Broadway and headed in the general area of the airport. We had about an hour before he needed to check in. We stopped at a Japanese Noodle House, Daimo around 70th and Granville for some soup before we dropped Dr Dan off at the airport. It was noodle in soup and was okay. 

It was in a tomato broth that was tasty and the pork and Won tons were very nice. I left most of the noodle. We shared a salt and pepper squid that was nice too.

Dr Dan and the lovely Lisa

         As we were crossing New Westminster I gave Willy a call and he and Annie had just gotten a table at Rivers Reach. "Be right there" I said. A bowl of tomato soup wasn't enough for my dinner. I had the Halibut burger, bun and all, with a side salad and a coffee. The place was as always, jumping. I don't think there's a busier pub in Vancouver. We stopped by Willy and Annie's on the way home so the Ratdogs could ignore Lincoln and Mac. A pot of tea and an hour of National Geographic channel and we were on our way home. The lovely Lisa made her way to bed and I watched the Gonzaga basketball game I had recorded.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Happy 5th Birthday Christo!!!

March 23, 2015

Christo the birthday Boy

      Today was a special Papa Squatch Dayscare. It's not only the first time I will have seen the Grandkids in two weeks it is also Christo's 5th Birthday. When Jen dropped them off at 08:15 I had already been up for an hour. I had to get Bella to school at 08:50 and Christo to pre school at 09:30 before I had an appointment about the diabetes drug study I have been on for five years.

I went to the lake and forgot to write about it.

From my blood pressure to my Cholesterol everything was excellent. The biggest changes have occurred since May 2, 2014 when I made the commitment to lose weight and get healthy not by dieting but by changing my Lifestyle. Everything from what and when I eat, to increasing my physical activity and keeping a positive attitude. I have achieved my goals that I set along the way and now I can't imagine going back to the way I was living.

It was a strange kind of light today

Even if I hadn't met my weight goals, I came to realise that it's not that important. The important part is that I feel so good. My energy level, my stamina and even my complexion are so far ahead of where I was was. I have drawn strength from all of you who read this stuff.

They have nothing to do with the story.

The sense of responsibility I feel towards you is sometimes overwhelming. Is that hubris? Vanity? Ego? Do I think that what I write here means anything to anybody but me? BM Ho says the Poop Fairy won't come without me! I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. Without your support and encouragement I could not have done what I have done so far.

Nutmeg drops a lugnut! Also at the lake.

      As I have stated before, my last Who's a Fat Bastard blog will be posted May 1, 2015. I have decided that at that point I will publish the promised pictures. It is unlikely that I will reach Thong weight by then but I am well under Speedo weight at this point. I'm searching for the right venue for the pictures.

That was my lunch.

      As well as the inspiration I draw from you, I also want to be around for my Grandkids. When Christo was born five years ago today I was 53 years old with a chest full of stents, double digit glucose levels and a not very promising outlook on life. Looking back it's hard to believe I was that person with those attitudes. This is the part where I go on one of those aimless strolls through my mind. Looking for the right metaphor to prove a point that means nothing to anyone but me.
      Some of you knew Sammy Buttmunch Jr.

He was the greatest dog ever. He rode on the back of my motorcycle, first in a milk crate then in a carrier I had made for him. We crisscrossed Canada and even made a trip down to Mexico. That was when he was a young dog. I never made him get on the bike. He always just hopped up into his box. One day when he was about ten, he said no. I got on the bike and rode away without him. He never got on the bike again. Two years later he was moaning and groaning, he had no energy and was starting to go blind. I was facing the very real possibility of having my closest companion for twelve years put down.

      Then came Elvis. Five months and three pounds of unbridled puppy love! He was Dr Dan's dog but through circumstances beyond his control we ended up with Elvis for six weeks. He tormented Sammy back to health! After six weeks Sammy was playing in the yard, swimming at the lake, he hadn't done that in years, and even the Vet couldn't believe the recovery. Sammy lived another eight years. That's what my Grandkids have done for me. Clarissa and Jenna in Toronto keep my heart full of love and Bella and Christo are here for me to hold whenever I want to. I am so glad I decided to make the effort.

A quick stop at Como Lake

      When I picked up Christo the Birthday Boy at noon he decided that he wanted Chinese for his Birthday lunch. We went and picked up Mama Lee and drove to the Sun Star Restaurant/ Austin Diner for Chinese. Christo ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. Mama Lee had Ginger Beef and I had Chop Suey and S&S Pork. After I dropped Mama Lee back at home I went down to London Drugs to return the $50 insoles that hurt like hell. I was walking much better today. Almost no pain at all. I'm still wearing Crocs to protect the blisters. They're almost healed now. After London drugs I took him to Wal mart so he could pick out his own birthday present. Is that lazy or practical? He gets what he wants and I get what I want. He wanted a remote control truck. I wanted to get out of Wal Mart! On the way out we stopped by the TShirts. "Pick one, it's from Mama Lee" I said. Without hesitation he said "I'm Batman." It's a nice shirt with the big Bat symbol on it. What he really digs is Buzz Lightyear but that's twenty years old and they aren't pushing the toys anymore. The thing is the kids are still watching Toy Stories 1, 2, 3. They still hold up. I told Christo, Buzz was killed by Mr Potato Head when he found Buzz's ray gun in Mrs Potato Heads bra!
      We stopped at Safeway for an ice cream cake. Half the price of Dairy Queen and, half the price of Dairy Queen. Oh yeah, it's really good too. We ended up having to race home to pick up Bella from school and the bell rang as we were waiting for the light to change. Christo raced off ahead while I made my way at my usual pace and was there long before Bella was out. They release the kids one at a time and only after making eye contact with the teacher. I stood in a group of parents all bitching about how kids in grade one shouldn't have ten pages of homework over the weekend. Probably right.
      The birthday party was held yesterday at Crash Crawley's Playground and Vomitorium. I begged off and instead said I would keep them for dinner and cake today, his actual birthday. I sent the kids down to the Green room to play and Matty joined them. That went well for an hour or so. Twice they were up looking for chocolate milk. Then Bella hit Matty in the head with a toy gun and everyone was mad at each other. Bella and Christo came upstairs and were in the spare room watching a show and Matty was doing the same thing downstairs. I called down to Tamara and she sent Matty up where I gave them the "You guys have been friends your whole life! Don't let a little pistol whipping get you down", speech.

Happy Birthday Tooooo Yoooooo, that's Christo in the corner.

      Weiner wraps and french fries followed by Happy Birthday with Elvis and Nutmeg leading the chorus and Ice cream cake all around.

Done, finit, gone by 18:45. Chef Boy R Lisa walked through the door an hour later. Seventeen hours after she left. Within minutes she was replaced by Grandma Lisa. She barely had her coat off when she was on the phone to Christo. "It's okay Grandma Lisa, Papa told me" He said when Grandma Lisa apologised for missing the cake. He's such a great kid. The lovely Lisa had a quick bite then was back in bed with a 02:30 wakeup call. I cleaned up the kitchen and was in bed by 10:30.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

 

Who's a Fat Bastard - "Chips" Hernandez was the big winner.

March 22, 2015

      I started to say something about the journey I went through in my first ten days as a Security Professional, then never came back to it. Through the pain of my blisters, my bruised heels and my aching teeth I realised, I was happy. I went to bed wishing my feet to recover by morning so I could go to work. It's not about the work. I realised it's about having a purpose. It's about having an identity. I have been successful at most everything I have ever done, including doing nothing for the last few years.

Sunrise 

      When I started doing the TED thing last week, I would see my reflection in the windows and think, "I used to be somebody." Then after a couple of days it occurred to me. "Now I'm somebody else." To my surprise, I found that I was okay with that. Am I settling? Have I set the bar too low? I'm in the position of not needing the work to pay the rent. Don't get me wrong. You can't have too much money but to not have to do something you hate to survive?  What a bonus that is!
      I spent most of yesterday writing about my experience at the TED Conference. that was up until I made my way to the Dentist at 14:15. It wasn't the same dentist as I've had the last few visits but she seemed nice and had a British accent. All the best Doctors and Villains  have a British accent. She talked to me briefly about trying to save the tooth. I had ground it down to a stump and to her credit she didn't push it. She froze me then left me to watch March Madness on the TV while I froze up. She came back to extract the tooth with 1:30 left in the first half. In college basketball that can take ten minutes. She popped the tooth out in less than a minute. Stuffed my mouth full of pads and left me to watch the game. When she came back five minutes later I wasn't quite clotted so I stayed until the half was over. I was home stretched out on the bed in Tiny TV Town in time for the second half.
      Long before I had broken my feet and teeth, the lovely Lisa had arranged for us to host a poker game. I helped her as best I could with the setup but my feet were still not happy with me. We pulled in our big table from it's home on the back deck. It's perfect for Hold'em because we can fit twelve people around it. Tonight we had eleven players.  The lovely Lisa had as usual gone crazy with the food. Fruit platters, Cheese trays and a roasted pork shoulder.

Christian made his always popular and delicious guacamole. With the bowls full of chips and nuts and anything else the lovely Lisa could put out we started playing cards at 19:30.
      I was first out in the first tourney and played the guitar while I watched the March Madness Basketball with the sound off and commented on how unfair the game of poker is! I'm the only one here who cares about college basketball and I was pretty much ignored from that point on. In our tournament the blinds go up every twelve minutes or once back to the dealer. Makes for a pretty quick game. Christian "Chips" Hernandez was the big winner cashing in both games. I won nothing but had a fabulous roast pork sandwich! I think "Chips" did so well because he's half our age! We all have some kind of memory issues happening. Some of our issues herbally induced! At least twice someone will ask, "What's trump?"
      After everyone left the lovely Lisa and I puttered around cleaning up the kitchen and putting things back in order. It's no fun waking up to a big mess. We made our way to bed all of us totally done.

Totally done!

      Sunday with sore feet. I lay in bed with the lovely Lisa taking care of me. My mouth was feeling fine after the dentist but the pain in my heels was still prohibitive. I applied some more Voltaran to them and by noon I was feeling well enough to pack up a guitar and head over to Mama Lee's to entertain the troops. It's been a few weeks since I played for them and there has been a bit of a turnover due to the flu that went through the place. Mama Lee sat right up front in a chair. I've been encouraging her to get out of her wheel chair whenever she can. She's starting to get friction sores. I play a lot of Hank Williams, Merle Haggard and of course my own songs. I play for an hour then I'm chased off by the BINGO crowd. Fleeing the ink stained hands of the mob I sought sanctuary at home!
      The lovely Lisa informed me that her wake up call time was 01:45. While the lovely Lisa was scouring the internet for desert recipes for 150 people I was banished to Tiny TV Town where I was immersed in Hockey, women's curling and basketball of both the College and Pro variety. My feet were feeling a lot better and all was good with the world.

The lovely Lisa and I shared a nice dinner of poker game pork and with a peck on the cheek , to avoid my decimated mouth, she was down for the count. I watched the last of the Basketball games let the Rat dogs out one more time and called it a day. Big Day tomorrow.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - TED

March 21. 2014

      It's been a while since I have posted a blog. I have been dealing with some self inflicted physical trauma's while beginning my journey of 241,668 steps over my nine day stint at the Technology Entertainment Design show, aka TED, at the Vancouver Convention Centre. My first gig as a Security Professional. That's what the government calls us now. I expected to walk through every inch of the the VCC by the time I was done. What I didn't expect was the journey I took within myself. For ten consecutive days I worked TED from 0600 until 1400 more or less. That's how us SP's tell time.The first five days were the set up by the patrons and sponsors and I was there from the start.

      At 0600 the VCC was empty for about the first hour. During the set up stage the lights on the second and third levels are off or dimmed right down. The first couple of days I patrolled all three levels. The view of the sunrise from level three is spectacular and the weather was cooperating nicely. I would walk along singing out loud. That's when I met the guys installing all the furniture, a company called Steel Case. I came around the corner and there was Norm and Tim sitting on a plastic wrapped couch drinking coffee. "I didn't know anyone was here yet" I said "Don't let us stop you"  so it didn't. Once there were a few people around I moved the hit parade into my head. At a certain point everyone is busy, except me. I was rover on the site. My job is to walk. And walk I did. 32,564 paces the first day. By the end of the day my feet were sore but that was because my shoes had stretched out and my feet were sliding inside them. I switched shoes the next day. That was the day the heel and sole came unattached and created a couple of blisters on my left heel. By the end of the day between the Duct Tape and the overcompensation for the now angry blisters I managed to bruise my right heel.

The first aid attendant gave me a bandage and a wet nap and said "That's going to hurt like hell!" Ya think!
      On the way home I stopped and bought some better quality insoles. I could only use them in my right shoe because it lifted the blisters into the exact wrong position when I tried them in the left shoe. By the end of day three I had two blisters, two bruised heels and the beginning of a tooth issue. After walking for more than 25,000 steps the last 1000 to where I parked the car were the hardest. The best parking deal is on Seymour at Pender.  $11 early bird. It takes me four minutes to walk to VCC in the morning. It takes me twenty minutes or more to walk back after work.

The weather was amazing and I had a couple of spots along the way to rest my feet. Downtown Vancouver has a lot of benches and small green spaces all over the place. When I get to the parkade I wait for the elevator. I'm parked on the first level but the stairway appears to be the toilet for the entire Downtown East Side. I'll wait for the elevator, besides my feet hurt.
      Once again I have to say I won the lottery when I married the lovely Lisa. She has been so attentive and caring when I'm at home with feet so sore I can barely stand up.  Friday night she says " What's wrong with your face?" I thought, how rude!  When I looked in the mirror it was a little bit puffy. By 20:30 I was on the phone to my dentist and to my employer. What a start to my career in security. Broken feet, broken tooth and booking off on short notice after three days! I didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time even after I took one of the painkillers they gave me for my Kidney Stones, the tooth still woke me up.

      At 8:30 Saturday morning I was sitting in the waiting room at my Dentists. I have ground the tooth and the one beside it down to the quick. She was going to have to yank the tooth. I love this dentist. She has never hurt me. I have had a few different dentists at this practise and they all were very good. This one is a ninety pound woman of Asian ancestry. They were fitting me in between patients with appointments so I ended up being in the chair for about ninety minutes. By this point the swelling was obvious. Thank God for suction. It took her a long time to get the tooth out. I have been on antibiotics for a week but am in the chair again this afternoon with the second ground down tooth acting up. Oh yeah, and the Tooth Fairy didn't come. Bitch! The Poop Fairy on the other hand has been coming by on a regular basis lately.

      I spent the rest of the day in bed. Only 650 steps on the pedometer. Watching college basketball and resting my still aching feet. I set my alarm for 04:20 and drifted off to sleep. My feet felt not too bad. I had bought the ones where you step on the machine at London Drugs and it measures 2200 stress points on your feet. $50 but worth it if it helps. Not really. I could still only wear one and again by the end of the day I was practically crippled. I had brought a pair of Crocs with me for after work thinking that would make the walk back to the car easier. Not really. Both my heels are badly bruised and I left my Ballet shoes in my other pants!

      Sunday was frantic for everybody but me. I was now responsible for Level One and had the freedom to move around as I chose. TED starts tomorrow at 07:00 I was able to see it come together from Day 1 right up until the final preparations. The energy was amazing. I was taking it all in as I perfected my Security Stride. I found the stride with the lowest impact and soon had it down pat. It's kind of a slide with very little knee bend then roll the heel to the toe. Think JJ Walker crossed with a Camel. It's the best of everything at TED. The Gift Cave was full. The gift bags waiting.

      The first day was a Zoo! 1600 people paid to be at TED. That's not counting the TEDActive at Whistler and other spots all around the world, all connected in real time of course. The line up for the Gift Cave was 200 people long all day long. One of the gifts was shoes. People try shoes on. Slow moving freebies. A lot of these people know each other and their work so it was a real social event with waiters walking around with trays of assorted beverages. After leaving the Gift Cave loaded down like Sherpa's they made their way back to their various hotels with their newly acquired loot. A large number staying across the street at the Fairmont. I can say without a doubt no one in attendance was staying at Motel Six. There was a shuttle running between VCC and The Meeks theatre in North Vancouver where the TED Fellows gave their talks. These are first time TED Talkers and are not quite ready for the Main Stage. They were excellent. As I made my way around the VCC I was seldom out of sight of, and never out of hearing range of a giant TV.

Two hours and twenty speakers later covering everything from art projects in Chile to astrophysics the talks were done for the day and so was my shift. I limped home and the lovely Lisa fed me even though her wake up was an hour before mine. I went to bed praying my feet would work at 04:20 when I would do it again.

No Traffic

      It took less than twenty minutes to get to my parking on Tuesday morning. I was way early so I sat in the Crews Nest were we take our breaks against our will. There was free Timmy Ho to go coffee in the office and several day old newspapers. I did the crossword in the 24 hours mini rag in twelve minutes. I must be a slow reader. Tuesday was much better organised. I knew quite a few of the Sponsors by now and they would stop me and talk. After I talked to the three middle aged school teachers who were manning the SKYPE display and recommended things they could do near the VCC it spread like wild fire through the Geek Community and I had a steady stream of people asking me about attractions and restaurants. I sent quite a few to Abattoir in Gastown. Chef Boy R Lisa's boss is one of the owners and the food is very good. Also The Steam Clock and the Seabus to North Vancouver were popular.

      It is as eclectic a crowd as you could possibly imagine. There was a women in evening wear at 0800 sitting with a guy in Army Fatigues with snake like Dreds hiding half his face deep in conversation. There was lots of plaid. Lots of frilly skirts with combat boots. More grey ponytails and bad comb overs than you could shake a stick at! I would say overall the theme was " I have no mirrors and dress in the dark but I'm rich and smart. And your not." Everyone I talked to was very nice.

      In all more than ninety people gave talks on the main stage. Some I liked, some not so much, all were thought provoking. TED is not just about the technology. It's about the social responsibility that comes with creating the technology. We have places in this world were people don't have clean water or indoor plumbing and yet they have a cell phone. Monica Lewinsky was the star of the show. Her talk was open and heartfelt. How difficult it must be for her to stand up in front of the world and tell her story.  For a dozen years she made no comments, she was ridiculed and ostracised. She was the first victim of Social Media. She wasn't the first 22 year old to fall for her boss and won't be the last. She didn't blame anyone, she merely related her experience at that time. I was impressed with her as was everyone else there. It really brought home the double standard. Bill Clinton is treated like royalty and Monica Lewinsky as a whore.

      Brushes with greatness at TED. Bill Gates walked by me staring at the floor on the way to the theatre. That is the most common posture at TED. Everyone looks at the floor. It's actually difficult to make eye contact with a lot of these people. Maybe they all have shoe fetishes? Or maybe Bill Gates is actually their Alien Overlord and they must "Walk Like Bill".

      I talked briefly to Jaden Smith. It went like this. I said "Good morning" Jaden said "Wasup" I said "Are you enjoying Vancouver?" He said "S'cool" Then he was gone.
      I twice saw Al gore. The first time he was walking away from a woman he had been talking to and he nodded and said Good afternoon as he swept past on his way to save the planet! The second time he was in the Gift Cave so I walked up to him and said hello. He reached out and shook my hand. I asked him if he was enjoying Vancouver and he said it was one of his favourite cities. I guess it's because you can't get any further left without falling off the continent.
      I talked to so many clever, passionate informed people over the five days most of whom I couldn't name. One I can name, and who was out of this world was Chris Hadfield the astronaut.

I talked to him for three or four minutes about playing music in space and he told me he wrote a symphony while he was there and the Vancouver Philharmonic is going to play it. He seemed like a very nice man. I thought he'd be bigger.

      In the end I came away with broken feet two less teeth. That's right they yanked the other one today, and four sets of insoles! Oh yeah and a smile. I liked the work. I like the interaction with the people and the time alone with my thoughts. We're not encouraged to start up conversations with the clients, that is a rule I choose to ignore. The same with using the bathrooms . When you gotta go, you gotta go! What is the mind set? 1950's Mississippi? "Let my people go!!" My people are of course  Old men with weak kidneys! Once I get my feet things worked out I'm excited to see what comes next. Also I was a little loosey goosey with the no pictures rule. I took none of the guests.
      I want to take a moment to acknowledge the accomplishments of my daughter Jennifer. The fruit of my looms has just gotten her first Gig as a Production Manager on a feature film. I am so incredibly proud of her. After my Grandkids, this is the greatest thing ever!! I love you Baby Girl. Of course now she'll be too busy to read this.

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward

   

Who's a Fat Bastard - I can't eat , I can't drink and I'm feeling mean and miserable.

March 13, 2015

      It has nothing to do with Friday the 13th. I actually had a very good day at the Convention Centre. Was it bad luck, karma, joss? Halfway through work my mouth began to hurt. I told you I was at the dentist on Wednesday I now have a major infection that has me booking off work today and sitting up all night with the pain. I can't eat , I can"t drink and I'm feeling mean and miserable.

The dentist will see me in the morning.

      I was just getting into the rhythm averaging 20,000 steps over the last two day.  Feeling good except fro my mouth and the unhealed blister on the back of my foot. Enjoying the job but my mouth hurts so bad right now, I can barely think!  

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward                              

Who's a Fat Bastard - I wasn't on the job five minutes when the heel fell off my left shoe!

March 10, 11, 12, 2015

Como Lake With Mama Lee and the GK's

      Yesterday was a full day Papa Squatch Dayscare. It's spring break or as the teachers call it "Two weeks of spa days." I'm blowing past the day in a hurry. I took the Grandkids and the Rat dogs and went to collect Mama Lee for a walk around Como Lake. I'm getting tired of talking about how amazing the weather has been this winter. Yesterday was nice.

Mama Lee doesn't walk and she got a little cold. It was fine when we were in the sun but cold in the shade.

The kids threw rocks, the Rat dogs peed on everything and Mama Lee had a case of popsicle fingers! Nothing lunch at McDoggies can't cure.

      It took well over an hour to go around once so the lunch rush at Rotten Ronnie's should have been over by the time we got there. But no! Spring Spa Break is in full swing! Every table had a grown up sucking up bad coffee and eating cold french fries left behind by the several hundred kids crammed into the play ground. I thought we were going to have to grease Christo up to fit him into the play room.

He eats way faster than Bella or Mama Lee.

After Ice cream for Mama Lee and Bella It was once around the block and home James. Christian was waiting for us when we got there grabbed the kids and was gone like Speedy Gonzalez...Andale, Andale, Arriba,  Arriba. The Canucks won and I went to bed after the game with the alarm set for 4:00 am.
      There is no traffic on the highway at 4:15 a.m. None. It wasn't until I got off the highway at Hastings that I even saw any tail lights. I parked in the early bird lot at 4:45. One hour and fifteen minutes before my shift started. They sent me away. I went across the street and had a coffee at Timmy Ho's. I was the only person in there. That was a good thing I took a drink of hot Ho juice and the pain in my teeth made me cry like a four year old girl. I sat there glaring at the steaming hot Dark Roast Ho juice. Then I dumped it in the trash so I could roll up the rim and find out I was a loser. I'm a Security Guard! The loser ship has already sailed! Fifteen minutes before my shift I was back in front of Will, my supervisor, his hair looks like George Clooney's in Oh father where art thou. I didn't hear a thing he said I was looking at my reflection in his well oiled hair. This is the biggest show of the year TED $8500 per ticket and Bill Gates is the keynote speaker. Even the security goes through security. There are a couple of dozen things we aren't supposed to do. I'm only doing three of them. Taking pictures is Verboten. Fortunately I don't spraken zee Deutch. The first day just after sunrise I watched an eagle swoop out of the sky into the harbour right in front of me, and come out of the water with a fish! That's when I decided to be secret squirrel in my approach to pictures.

Sunrise at the Sails

Most of them I took when I was off duty. I didn't take any pictures of whats going on or the people doing it. I ended up staying an extra hour when someone showed up late. Sucking up already! Do I have no Shame? No I'm an actor! And my latest role as a Security Professional is demanding. So this is the amazing thing. I downloaded a pedometer onto my phone, also on the verboten list. Not the App, the personal phone.

Security Squatch

      The last two hours were hell. I was wearing my thirty year old Doc Martins, they looked great. Then I remembered why I stopped wearing them. I bought them at the height of my girth, 400 plus pounds and when I lost the weight the first time my feet slid around inside them and they hurt. That's what happened. I walked non stop until my break. I looked at the pedomiter and it said a number I couldn't believe. After my break I counted how many steps I took to make my rounds . 750 steps. The math worked. By the end of the day I had taken 32,255 steps over 9 hours. They say 10,000 is the number to get to daily. So after my shift I walk my now throbbing feet to the parkade where I found out that Early Bird meant between 7:00 and 9:00 It cost me $20 to get my car back out of the $11 Early Bird Parkade. In Vancouver the Early Bird doesn't get the worm he gets screwed!
      My whole body ached, my tooth was killing me I called the Dentist at 4:50 and she told me to come right over. My dentist is two minutes from the house. I grind my teeth and have almost exposed the nerve on one of them. She built it up and sent me home. It's still sore today and she called me to see how I was doing tonight. If it doesn't feel any better tomorrow she will deal with it tomorrow night. No fun, frozen face, I went to bed and got up at 4:30 a.m to do it again.

The Globe and reflection at the Convention Centre

      I wore my new Italian shoes. I wasn't on the job five minutes when the heel fell off my left shoe, almost. It hung on just enough to slap every time I walked. Very annoying. An hour after this happened A guy I had talked to yesterday arrived with a tool box. "Got any Duct Tape" I asked "Silver or Black" he asked. It was a little wonky but was working, or so I thought until my altered stride gave me a blister on the other foot. It slowed me tremendously. At lunch the first aid guy gave me a handi wipe and a bandaid! It did help, I made it through the day.
      I know it's not Weigh Day but after another 19,179 steps I was curious. Everyone says that walking is the best exercise. I have to agree. Believe me, I'm not walking fast somewhere between a meander and a stroll. I was 286 pounds last Sunday. Thursday, I can smell that Speedo!

That's what 50,000 steps in two days can do for you. They are paying me to exercise! I'm like a professional Athlete!!!

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

P.S. I didn't spell check or read it over if it's sloppy, get over it!

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward