Who's a Fat Bastard - How to skin a squatch

November 29 2014

Jammin with Mark

      I had the day off today. Day off from thinking that is. I didn't need to because the lovely Lisa had already thunk it all for me! 

      I finally had a decent night's sleep. I'm pretty sure I passed the kidney stone, but sometimes they just stop moving. I choose to believe that I'm done with it! For now. 

      At 9:00 a.m. I was awoken by the lovely Lisa, who informed me that we had to leave in an hour. "Leave for where?" I asked quizzically."We are having dim sum with Jody." she said with that tone that says, you never listen to me.

"I thought you said that was at 11:30?" I said looking for a way out.

"It is" she said as she walked away. This is my fault. The lovely Lisa is correct. I never listen to her!

      This is what happens. After a few years, your spouse's voice becomes like the radio. It's on in the background but you don't really hear it until there's a plane crash or something. By then it's too late.

      By the time I finished my morning rituals it was 9:30. I poured myself a cup of drippy Joe still trying to figure out why we were giving ourselves two hours to make the twenty minute drive to Dim Sum. I could just ask, but that won't change anything. I wasn't halfway through my first cup of drippy Joe when Lisa was standing coat on at the door.

"Take the dogs out to the backyard and let's go." she said. When the dogs were back in the house, the doors were locked and I was sitting in the car beside the lovely Lisa I said " What's the panic?"

"We have to make a stop first. The garage sale at Dunwood Place  starts today at 10 a.m. I told Gord and Penny that we would both be there."  It was all coming back to me. Damn radio!

      We have gotten quite a bit of snow last night up here at the top of Blue Mountain.

The main roads were all plowed and clear. The side roads were packed and icy. So of course that's the way the lovely Lisa decided to go.

      Traffic was light as we made our way to New Westminster.

When we got to Dunwood  Place someone was just leaving and we ended up with Mercedes parking. Right in front of the doors. Its a seniors building so we ended up having to buzz three times before the senior could figure out how to let us in.  It was quite the setup. There were about a dozen tables plus a food concession selling hotdogs and chicken soup, how's that for a combination? And of  course a two table Old lady bake sale. I took a look around at the stuff that was for sale and then went and sat with Gord by the cash box. We talked about last night's Canucks game and tomorrows Grey Cup. Stupid lions! Forty-five minutes later, with two bags of other people's junk, the lovely Lisa and I made our escape. We had forty five minutes to make our way from New Westminster to Kingsway at Commercial. There is a Dim Sum restaurant there called Dai Tung that we used to frequent when Jody lived here. We were the first to arrive and we got a table right away, which is quite unusual. Ten minutes later Jody arrived with her fourteen year old daughter Alannah. 

Alannah is another one of those kids that I have known their entire lives. Makes you feel old! We were still waiting for our friend Christine and Jody's mother to join us. Jody assumed that we would be waiting in line and had told them to arrive around 12:15. We didn't wait to order.

      They no longer come around with the steam carts.You fill out a paper menu like a bingo card. Then you wait, and wait. I prefer the steam carts. Instant gratification! Christine arrived and then Jody's Mother a lot of catching up to do. It was 1:45 when we finally finished lunch. Jody and Alannah made a beeline for the ferry to Victoria. We said our goodbyes and headed home. 

      I was looking forward to getting home and finishing with the outside  lights. The lovely Lisa got a text from John the chef that she works with. Could you please pick up some hard shell tacos and some corn tortillas?  We were now going from central Vancouver to Port Coquitlam. There are not many places in Vancouver that sell corn tortillas. Seeing as we were halfway home, there is a Latino deli in PoCo that does. It was pushing 5:00 by the time we got home. We were going to a Glasgow Rangers Supporters Club fundraiser at 6:30 and we were going to stop and see Mama Lee on the way. 

Most of the things that the lovely Lisa had bought it the garage sale where for Mama Lee. Some old religious Christmas cards a Christmas banner and some little festive knick knacks.

      Since we had a few minutes before we had to leave for the fundraiser the lovely Lisa decided that the clown hair had to go.

So here you are. Step by step.

How to skin a Squatch

We got to the Rangers dinner just after seven o'clock. They had started food service at 6:30 and as usual, we were late. The last time we went to one of these things we were so late, we missed the dinner entirely. When we got there they were cleaning up.

      As it was we were there just in time to not have a table to sit at.

That's okay big Wally and his wonderful lady Kathy walked in the door with us. They made us a table in the corner and the four of us sat and ate while everyone else stared at us. It's a really good crowd of people, all Scottish. There are people there that the lovely Lisa avoids. Not because she doesn't like them but because after a couple of pints their Glasgow accent renders them incomprehensible to any other English speaking person.

They do a 50/50 draw and a fundraiser called the Toonie toss

they place a bottle of Black Grouse Scotch on the dance floor

and from 30 feet away you throw Toonies trying to hit the bottle.

Hit the bottle you win the bottle. Not as easy as it sounds. First of all trying to get a Toonie out of a Scotsman is like trying to pull the teeth out of a crocodile. Some of these guys have pant pockets that reach down to their socks! 

Colin 

That is till the Guinness kicks in! It was a fun night for a good cause.

      We left just after 10 o'clock to go to our friend Daryl's house for a jam. I spent most of the evening at Daryl's upstairs, where they do an acoustic jam. But that's because I was too lazy to carry my amp into the house. Upstairs we had mandolin, violin, guitar, harmonica and a couple of very talented lady singers. 

With Mark and George

The lovely Lisa was exhausted from her crazy itinerary and ditched me about 11:45. She was all in and I still had the music in me! The lovely Lisa arranged for me to catch a ride with Mark and Lea. They drive right past our house on the way home.

We plugged in down stairs and jammed until just after 1 a.m.

We packed all the gear in to Mark and Lea's vehicle and got off the side streets as quickly as we could.They were an ice rink. The main roads were fine and I was home in five minutes.

      The lovely Lisa was already asleep when I got home surrounded by two little rat dogs.

I tucked the lovely Lisa in, kissed her on the forehead and dragged the Rat dogs out into the cold. I sat down and started to write this blog. I managed about a paragraph and a half and then went to bed!

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Picture this

November 28 2014

From our Wedding

     Between 1:00 and 5:00 a.m. I must have went to the bathroom six times. How much pee can there be inside of one human being? Granted I have a little more mass and therefore slightly more volume. But really....six times!

Peace, always in style

      I managed to put together four straight hours of sleep when I got up just after nine. The sharp pain that I had been living with for two days was not there. If I hadn't passed the stone, at the very least it stopped moving. 

Spent a Christmas in New York 2005

That's good because it doesn't hurt and that's bad because it will at some time move again. I still had the thumb stuck into my kidney pressure thing happening, but at least I didn't have the mind numbing jagged pain. 

      Since the lovely Lisa and I have been together we have bought a new ornament every year. Either with a date on it or from one of our travels. I will be inserting them randomly throughout the blog. Back to the story.

From the Opera House in Sydney Austrailia  2010

      I took it pretty slow. I was moving at a pace that would allow me to check out each and every movement for the pain threshold.

I had a nice long shower and put pants on for the first time in two days. 

I sat in the living room and played my guitar while the lovely Lisa continued  decorating. 

I started pulling together the outdoor lights. I keep them in a couple of Rubbermaid bins out in the shed.

Playoff run 2011

I was just getting organised. I wasn't going to actually start putting the lights up until the lovely Lisa left at 12 o'clock to take  Mama Lee shopping. The last time the lovely Lisa tried to help me do the outside decorations, it nearly ended in  the cancellation of Christmas. 

Prague, Czech Republic

     I made myself some breakfast eggs and chicken curry again. Two days in a row and still loving it. 

Mmmmmm

      After the lovely Lisa left to pick up Mama Lee for their shopping trip, I got right to work. I have about a thousand lights to put up and though not in pain, I'm not moving as fast as I usually do . I started on the front deck stapler in hand. I did the easy parts first. The stuff I could do while standing with both feet firmly on the deck inside of the railing. And a little bit where I had to go up two steps on the step ladder. I don't want to be up the big ladder and have a kidney stone attack.

      I put a set of all blue lights on the tree by the door.

 and some ugly stick things with really bright LEDs on them that look pretty good at night.

      It was now after 3:00. I was meeting Gord, Penny and Duffy at River's Reach Pub at 4:00, for appetizers, prime rib and the Canucks game.  We try to get together with Gord and Penny about once a week. Since Gord retired and they moved into a seniors residence they have become the King and Queen of Dunwoody place. 

The lovely Lisa, Penny and Gord

They've got something going on every night and more of the residents are coming out to do things all the time. It's good for them and it's really good for Gord. Active mind, active body keeps you young. 

We shared chicken wings in the first period. Calamari in the second period. Then we ordered our entrée for the third period. Gord and I ordered the prime rib dinner.

Half a baked potato, woo hoo big night out!

The lovely Lisa ordered sliders and mushroom caps and Penny had lettuce wraps and poutine.

Sliders and Mushroom Caps

      We left the rivers reach about 8 o'clock. The lovely Lisa and I were in separate vehicles. I took a lot of side streets home. Not because I was drunk but to check out the Christmas lights. I don't really care that much about the lights but the lovely Lisa loves them. When I Drive through a neighbourhood, that has a lot of houses decorated. I make a note of it and then I take the lovely Lisa there to see them.

      The lovely Lisa went to bed about 10:30. Ten minutes later, she was back all excited. It had started snowing. We only had measurable snow last year on two days. Both days it happened overnight and was melted by lunch time.

      It's almost 1 a.m. now and the snow has stopped. It dropped a couple of inches of snow on top of the fence. 

Snow on the pumpkins.

In all probability I won't even have to shovel the walk. Statistically more men die of heart attacks while shovelling snow than they do while having sex!

I don't know what that means but I do know that in a tribute to Family Feud, we asked 100 men how would you prefer to die. 97 men said while having sex. The number one answer! The other three got it wrong. The other three wanted to be eaten by their cats!

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Shortest blog ever.

November 27 2014

Cute dog picture

      If you have to be laid up I guess American Thanksgiving is as good a day as any. Probably better than most, if you're a sports fan. Wall to wall football. I really thought that I would be able to write something clever about spending a day watching football, hoping to pass my kidney stone. I was drinking gallons of water. I took my flomax. I can feel  that frickin stone moving all over the place. The lovely Lisa was smart enough to ditch me early. She said she was going to see Mama Lee and do some shopping. I suspect that my shitty attitude had something to do with it. 

      At lunch time I had fried eggs on top of leftover chicken curry it was delicious. 

     I couldn't get interested in the games. I tried but every movement hurt. The Seahawks even beat up on the 49ers tonight. That should make me happy. Didn't work. 

      The lovely Lisa marinated beef strip loin steak and then BBQ'd them for dinner.

She is way too good to me. I was being a miserable bastard so Lisa went to bed. 

      Not much to read today. Like my Mum used to say. "Keep yer greetin tae yerself".

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Wah, Wah, Wah!

November 26 2014

      Kidney stones suck!  I haven't been able to do a damn thing all day. Every time I move the pain shoots through my entire body. Ok, not my entire body, just my lower back and my internal organs. There is a definite connection between kidney stones and the strength of your legs. A few times today the pain has taken my legs out from under me. I have drank buckets of water, which has been leaving my body at all too frequent intervals. It's a good thing that I'm going. Mostly because that's how you get rid of the kidney stones. It's a bad thing because it means I have to keep getting up and down. When you move, it moves your internal organs including your kidney. And that hurts worse than getting your foreskin caught in your zipper! 
      Thank God I married well. The lovely Lisa knows that I'm a bit of a dickhead when I'm not feeling well. Ok, maybe a little more than a bit. In my defense, I don't go out looking for it. Attention I mean.  I'm not going "Honey can you, Honey will you, wah, wah, wah!" No way! I save that for my blog! 
      Other than the occasional spasm of blinding pain, I had a rather pleasant day. I was sure there were several things I could do that didn't involve movement. Turns out there's not! 
I sat in my office chair with the expensive cushion playing computer games. That hurt. Then I lay in bed a while watching TV. That hurt too. I went out into the living room, where the lovely Lisa was turning our home into a winter wonderland. That hurt the most. Every time I looked over the lovely Lisa was looking at me with this worried look on her face. Yes, i know it's because she loves me. Tell me how does that make anybody feel better? It didn't matter where I went or where I sat or what position I was in, I just could not get comfortable. It wasn't made any easier by having to pee every fifteen minutes.

       I didn't have much of an appetite today either. I had an apple a banana and an avocado. I was stretched out in bed when the smell of frying chicken wafted  down the hallway. I got out of bed to see what was cooking. The lovely Lisa was making coconut chicken curry. Definitely one of my favorites. She makes it from scratch. With the smell of roasting spices and ginger filling my nostrils I went back to the bedroom and turned on the Raptors game. I faded in and out until the lovely Lisa came and got me for dinner.
This is such a nice curry that the lovely Lisa makes. It's not overly hot, but has huge flavour. Now if I just had some chipati or roti. 
After dinner I sat in the living room and watched the lovely Lisa putter around with all of her Christmas treasures.
Only 5 more Rubbermaid bins to go.
I didn't take many pictures today. Just the lovely Lisa's curry making technique.

Chopped ginger, Garlic and browned chicken

Sauteed onions

Roasted spices hand ground to a powder

Into the pressure cooker

Add coconut milk

Eat and enjoy

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - You might want to buy the Black Forest Cake

November 25 2014

Sashimi, they didn't make me cook it myself.

      It was almost 10 a.m. When I got out of bed this morning. I was definitely feeling that all too familiar pressure that precedes the movement of a kidney stone. I had an appointment with Dr Eddy at 10:30 a quick run through the shower, I pulled on pants, a shirt and I was out the door. One of the things I really like about Dr Eddy is if he says  your appointment is at 10:30 your appointment is within ten minutes of 10:30. I peed in a bottle, I got a flu shot, I had a growth on my finger liquid hydrogened for the third, and hopefully last time.  And I have a mole on my leg that needs to be removed by a plastic surgeon, which makes no sense to me because I'm not made out of plastic!

      My urine sample came back and there was  blood in my urine but I already knew that. I still have flomax left over from my last bout with kidney stones. 

A couple of days of flomax and drinking gallons of water and I usually manage to pass them fairly quickly. I've never made big ones, just sharp ones.

      I asked the lovely Lisa to text message me the shopping list. I guess she wasn't aware I was kidding. The lovely Lisa texted me a small list of things for Mama Lee. I was able to get it all at Cheap Thrills. 

I came home, took my Flomax and drank enough water to fill a child's wading pool. I don't know if you've ever had a kidney stone. It only hurts when the stone is moving. When it's not moving it feels like someone has their thumb pressed into your kidney, HARD! The secret is to move it out as quickly as possible.

The first time it happened to me was in 2001, we were filming 

So Weird up on Cypress Mountain and I had to be taken down in an ambulance. 

So Weird

It is happened periodically ever since.

     I spent the rest of the day practicing my lap steel and playing Christmas Carols on the guitar. I boiled some eggs and diced some ham and turned my Squatch salad into a Squatch chef salad for lunch. 

      We were going out this evening for part two of Paul's birthday celebration. 

Paul

We were meeting Steve, Paul, Lyndsey and Paul's niece Song, in the 700 block of Burrard Street at 6:00. We told Mama Lee we would stop by and see her on our way downtown at 5:00.

      We were going to have dinner at a combination Korean barbecue / sushi joint. As usual we were running late. When we left the driveway, the lovely Lisa turned in the exact opposite direction from Mama Lee's.

"I just need to get a cake for Paul, I'll only be a minute." she said

when we pulled into the parking lot at Thrifty's, they make really good cakes. The lovely Lisa said "Just wait in the car I'll only be a minute." Nothing the lovely Lisa has ever done has only taken a minute! During the heatwave we had in the summer, she left me and the dogs sitting in the car for twenty-two minutes while she went in to buy a watermelon. Now, I always go in!

      As we went into thrifty's she told me that Steve asked her to get Paul a Black Forest Cake, because that's his favourite. There they were, three beautiful black forest cakes all lined up. $21, you can't do any better than that. Or can you? The lovely Lisa looked at every cake in the case, from one end to the other

after five minutes she said, "Which cake do you think I should buy?

I like this one." she said pointing to a Boston Cream Cake.

I said "Well, since Paul's favourite cake is Black Forest Cake

and Steve specifically asked you to pick up a Black Forest Cake

I would suggest that perhaps you might want to buy the Black Forest Cake."

Black Forest Cake

"Fine" she said, as she raced ahead of me. Once again proving that when a woman says fine, its not. The lovely Lisa also had her cranky pants on because I bet her that we wouldn't be able to get downtown on time. She accused me of coming into the store to deliberately slow her down so she would lose the bet. She gives me way too much credit.My method of thinking is not nearly that devious or convoluted. If it was that important for me to win the bet, I would  just let the air out of her tires. If I hadn't come in she'd still be there staring at the cakes.

      We hopped in the car and headed to Mama Lee's about fifteen blocks away. The lovely Lisa Cranky Pants made me stay in the car. I told her if she wasn't back in three minutes I was coming in to get her. At two minutes fifty-eight seconds she opened up her car door and got in.  We had thirty-two minutes to get from Blue Mountain in Coquitlam to the  Shabusen Yakiniku House in the 700 block of Burrard Street. There was no way that she could make it before 6:00. I should have known better. When the lovely Lisa Cranky Pants Andretti  puts on her driving shoes anything is possible. She had the car parked across the street from the restaurant at 5:59.

Korean hillbilly restaraunt, Yin, Yan and my other brother Yan!

      It was an interesting restaurant. I've never had Korean BBQ before. There were six of us and we ordered way too much food.

That always happens when you go to one of those all you can eat places. It's not really a thing for me. I don't really need to eat all I can eat! I did however eat about two pounds of lamb. That I had to cook myself. 

Next they'll have me make the sushi.

Not to be a complainer but at thirty bucks a pop your food should come cooked!

We sang happy birthday for about the fifth time. When the cake came out Paul was so happy. "Black Forest is my favorite cake!" he said. The lovely Lisa shot me the hairy eyeball.

Yay, Black Forest Cake!

We had cake. I only had a sliver.

      Paul headed home to Deep Cove, Steve and Lindsay were going to a concert, Song was already gone. 

The lovely Lisa drove us home and it took a lot longer than thirty-one minutes.
      The lovely Lisa was in bed by 10:30. I watched an episode of The Mentalist and an episode of CSI LA. I drank another gallon of water, wrote my blog and I'm taking my kidney stone to bed and calling it a night.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

P.S. OUCH!!!

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Christmas has attacked my home.

November 24 2014

Christmas has attacked my home

      I was up at 8:00 without  using the alarm.  The first morning in a while that I was out of bed before the lovely Lisa. I put together a pot of drippy Joe, wash my face, brush my teeth and do all those other things that people do in the bathroom in the morning. Now that I'm back exercising every other day I'm starting to feel good again. My energy is back up and I'm looking forward to every day.

      It's hard to believe that I posted on this blog two hundred times.

When I went to put together yesterday's blog this morning, that's when I saw that I was  posting number 200.  I had already written the entire blog I just had to put it in order and add pictures, so there was no way was I going to start over so this is 201.

      Two hundred and one times since May 22 I have posted to this blog. The lovely Lisa and I have had some fun and done some travelling while I've tried to change my lifestyle and increase my life expectancy. So far so good!

      Mama Lee had an appointment with the speech therapist at Burnaby General Hospital at 11:00. I got yesterdays blog posted at 10:00. We had asked momma Lee to be ready and waiting at 10:30.

Never happened. It was 10:40 by the time we got Mama Lee loaded into the truck. Its only six and a half kilometres from Gagliardi to Willingdon  and then just a couple of more minutes to the hospital.

I pulled up to the doors right outside the clinic at 10:58. I wasn't going in with Mama Lee and Lisa today. I went last week and I had it all explained to me. Mama Lee has been pretty slack about the exercises she has to do to help with her speech and swallowing.

Based on what the speech therapist said last week I've been doing my own speech therapy with Mama Lee. I refuse to answer her unless she yells at me. She's not really yelling though it feels like it to her. That's one of the symptoms of advanced Parkinson's. Also when she yells at me her enunciation is much better. After I dropped them off, I knew the appointment was for one hour. I drove down Sunset to the Chinese market and bought a banana and an apple. I picked up a copy of 24 a daily freepaper.  Headlines with no substance. That's five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

I sat in the truck and listened to them talk about the passing of Pat Quinn. In the early nineties I did standup at the Jake Milford open,

which is the Vancouver Canucks golf tournament. I had the opportunity to have several conversations with him. He always struck me as a very real person. The last time I saw him was maybe a dozen years ago.  I was down at Spanish banks with Sammy, my old dog. Sammy went up to a big guy who had his foot up on a bench tying his shoe. He turned around and it was Pat Quinn. The thing that struck me most about him was that even 14 years later, he remembered me. And he reached down and scratched Sammy behind his ears. That dog always was a good judge of people.

      At 11 o'clock I pulled up to the doors closest to the clinic. I was only there a minute or two when the lovely Lisa and Mama Lee came wheeling through the doors. Mama Lee was quite happy with how the appointment went. 

We hadn't asked for Mama Lee's home to hold her lunch so we decided to take her for lunch at Woody's. 

Mama Lee had a beautiful seafood salad. The lovely Lisa had a pizza and I had chicken wings. It's a little pricey there for lunch but the food is good and Mama Lee  was buying. It was after 2:00 by the time we got Mama Lee home . 

In the last two years Mama Lee has managed to go through two cell phones. They're just not made to be dropped a thousand times a day. I took her phone and I went out looking for a replacement at the Mall. Christmas is in full swing.

Did you know that there are only two seniors phones on the market? Fortunately the better of the two is available on Mama Lee's plan. I had to put all the numbers into her phone by hand. Her old phone wouldn't store the numbers to the SIM card. I sat in the truck down at the mall listening to the radio and putting Mama Lee's phone numbers into her new phone. Once I had the phone loaded I headed over to Mama Lee's for a frustration lesson. Mama Lee gets the lesson, I get the frustration! Do you remember that TV show from the 70s That's Incredible? On one episode they had a chimpanzee that could make cocktails. Mama Lee is no chimpanzee. After twenty minutes she was able to answer the phone and put it on speaker. Thirty minutes later she was still trying to say hello in a text message. She has unlimited everything so, fill your boots Mama Lee. She was still try to do a text when I left.

      We had an absolutely lazy night tonight. The lovely Lisa Christmas elf puttered around. She loves the christmas decorations.

So do Elvis and Nutmeg.

She has emptied five of the twelve Rubbermaid bins that contain her Christmas Extravaganza. 

We ate dinner Aussie Rules. Get what you can, when you can. I had an apple, an avocado, Squatch salad and a ham and cheese omelet. 

The lovely Lisa had leftover pizza. We watched another four or five episodes of Family Feud and went to bed about 10:00. I was back out of bed by 11:00 watching CSI L.A. and writing this when I felt a familiar twinge. I see Doc Eddy in the morning. Freakin Kidney stones!They kept me up until 3:00 am.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward