Who's a Fat bastard - Carbuncle on my ass

August 30, 2014

     I shouldn't drink coffee at night. I was up till 4:30 am last night. I didn't even post my blog till 3:48 am. I had a coupon coffee at the PNE at about 10:30, if it wasn't half price with the coupon, I wouldn't have had it. I was wired tighter than a chihuahua with a chew toy. Needless to say I didn't get up when the alarm went off at 8 am I merely turned it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep. My bladder woke me up at 10:30. 

     Lisa had already made a pot of coffee and was laying in wait to bushwhack me about my carbuncle. I'm not ashamed of it. 

Carbuncle or Pork roast?

I have a carbuncle on my ass! Not on my big fleshy butt cheek, but on the seam where my giant butt cheek joins my overly muscular leg. It's some kind of cyst. Lisa is sure I got it from the Iron Maiden. It's the second one I've had in two weeks. I didn't notice the first one till it wasn't there anymore. I have been cleaning the Maiden after every use. I don't think exercise is the reason I have a carbuncle,  on my ass.
       "Every day is too much" the lovely Lisa whines into my ear, repeatedly. "But I need it, Baby" I whisper back " I need to feel it every day" "Take it slow Baby, rest up and you'll do even better" she said. " I can't honey, once I get started I gotta go till I'm done!" was my passionate reply. " Well don't come to me when you hurt yourself you big goof!" as she stormed off muttering to herself. Better her than me.
     1000 Four Stair Stretches, 200 One Stair Steps and 180 Belly Crunches.

Reach for the toes 

Close up Step ups

Two thumbs Up

Like a muscle, only softer.

     I had a couple of hard boiled eggs after I had a shower and did a carbuncle inspection. Let's just say it involved a mirror,  a stick and some trick photography! 
     We were having some friends over for poker tonight so Lisa wanted to go to Woodies for chicken wings and a little NTN Poker tuneup. We had forty wings between us and a couple of diet Cokes. I don't drink much pop and I didn't want a coffee and I feel bad eating 25 cent wings and drinking water. Besides I haven't had any aspartame in weeks! Lisa beat me up at pretend poker. I couldn't buy a hand. There was U.S. college football on the TV. Nebraska beat the bejesus out of some small school playing because they need the TV money. It was 45- 7 in the third quarter when I gave up on it. When top ranked teams play each other it can be excellent football, but there are way too many record padding, cannon fodder games. 
      After we paid our bill, less than $20, we drove around the corner to Stupor Store. Lisa wanted some snacks to serve at the poker game. We had a couple of cancellations so we had only six players. Lisa is a caterer. A caterers number one fear is running out of food. It has never happened at our house. The players arrived having already eaten dinner. 

Liquor up front, Poker in the rear!

They were met with a fruit platter for thirty and a cheese and sausage plate for twenty or so.

Left to right Gord, Chips Hernandez, Lisa, Penny, me and Jen

      I was Mr Second Best tonight. I was rivered over and over. First game I hung in for third place, my straight to the jack losing to a straight to the queen. Damn Gordy! Sadly pays top two. $40/ $20. Nothing for me. The apples don't fall far from the tree, Jennifer got hammered too!
Gordy and Lisa cashed first game. Penny and Christian in the second game. I was out first in the second game so I played wii and ate cheese! 

Meat, Cheese and fruit for the losers.

When Gord was knocked out we played a couple of games of Wii Bowling. I won them both. I did not however win any money! We were done about 11:30 and everyone headed home.           
     Lisa and I did the dishes, she washes I dry and put away. Lisa called it a night and I tucked her in. She is on a mission tomorrow morning with our friend Michele. They're headed up towards Whistler for a day trip. Michele is trying to lose those Lovesick Blues. I may or may not hook up with them for dinner. I was keen for them to go until I realised there is no NFL this Sunday! Bastards! We also watched the Whitecaps stink out the joint tonight losing 3-0 to Portland. It's almost 3 am and I'm still writing this blog. Okay, I stopped for about an hour to play a game of Marbles on the computer. Maybe all the years of working in the bar has changed my internal clock. 

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Prism rocks the P.N.E

August 29, 2014

     Two months ago my hall/pantry light just stopped working. I am reasonably handy. I've done a little electrical stuff. Plugs and switches and I rewired the whole basement after the third flood. I couldn`t figure it out. I went and got Next Door Gord. He is the proverbial Jack of all trades. Over the years he has helped me with carpentry, plumbing, mechanical and electrical. We checked the breaker. We took the fixture off. We took the switch apart all for nothing. He was stumped too. I couldn`t believe it. I called Angie, she`s a step sister of Lisa`s and her husband Larry is an electrician. Larry was out of town at that time, we were travelling and it got forgotten, for two months. I was standing by the switch with the phone in hand when Lisa, at the other end of the hall asked me "What is this switch for?" and threw the switch. The light came on. Someone had turned the switch off. The switch, that turns on the switch, that turns on the light. Is that code? Or just nuts!
     Lisa had a full day planned. She had an appointment with her Doctor at 10:30. She was looking to have a useless growth removed 
but the Doctor told her to keep me. It was also her Birthday Spa Day with our Daughter Jennifer, Grandaughter Bella and Abolita Marina.
     They started at Original Joes for lunch. I wasn`t there and also don`t care what they had to eat. I took Momma Lee there a year ago and have never been back. Basic food, way overpriced. Not my Spa day so I`ll shut up. I don`t know why I`m even talking about it. I wasn`t there. They all had pedicures and Bella got a manicure too.  

She`ll have the nicest nails in the sandbox.
     While the girls were lapping at the bowl of luxury I was washing the floors, doing laundry and working out.
1000 Four Stair Stretches

200 One Stair Steps

180 Belly Crunches

And another episode of Suits on Netflix while riding the Iron Maiden.

I think it is getting easier. Except for the One Stair Steps. They`re still a bitch!
     I got a call from Lisa "Let`s go to the P.N.E. later." "Okay, Sweetie" I said, like I had a vote or something. 
     I went and had a nice long shower and made myself some lunch. Chicken and eggs. Kind of a Mother/Daughter tag team thing.

Lisa got home from Spa Day at about 4 pm and we started to get ready for the fair. It was overcast and a little bit chilly so we were hopeful it wouldn't be too busy. Parking was harder to find than a ham sandwich in Israel. Lisa said  "Hail Mary full of grace help me find a parking space" and lo and behold, half an hour and half a tank of gas later, we found a free parking spot! It was close, less than two blocks from the gates. Right beside the sold out at $20 per car full lot. My Scottish heart sang all the way to the gates.

Lisa had already purchased our gate passes at the 7-11. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it might be. 

We didn't buy ride passes this year. We usually do but my shoulder is still hooped. I tried to get Lisa to get one for herself but she wouldn't. She said she didn't want to leave me sitting by myself. Remember that for later. We hit Curry in a Hurry on our way to see the Superdogs for a couple of samosas.

Lisa bought this Pinwheel coupon book for $2 lots of discounts. Not on the Samosas though. We missed the Superdogs  but the Mystic India show was in half an hour. We bought a couple of coffees, used a coupon and saved $1.50. That was a great tasting coffee. We sat in the sculpture garden enjoying the fading light and the steady stream of people walking by. On our way into the Colosseum to see the India show. I walked by a guy with a big plate of wings. " Hey, where did you get those?" I asked, drool visible on my lips. " Wings, half way down the road"  he said " We have to get some of those after the show." I said to Lisa.
     Mystic India was pretty good. 

The music all started to run together and sound the same after a while. 

It may have been a little long as well and the incessant strobe light made my brain hurt, but other than that it was okay. 

     We got out and went straight to Wings. Wonder of wonders, we had a coupon! Woo Hoo, two for one. That almost made them reasonable at $6 a pound. They were very good.

     We ate and headed into the Animation Exhibit. Lots of cels and story boards. Virtually the entire history of animation. 
Kung Fu Panda.

Giant Princesses

And Lisa's doppelganger.

One Halloween I pa.inted her blue and she went as Smurfette Warrior Princess. 
     Prism was playing at the bandstand and I got us a bench with a clear view of the stage. We were at the back but still good seats. "Can I go up closer and take a picture?" she asked as she was already leaving. Never to be seen again. Well at least not till the show was over. I sat there at the back enjoying the show and fighting off the weirdos who wanted to share my bench. While my wife was up front doing the Hootchie coo with who knows who?

They finished their set with a fifteen minute extended dance mix version of Armegeddon. They always put on a good show. We meandered around the Midway with a bag of little donuts that we couponed. $2 off.

     Lisa had one more coupon she wanted to use. Apple pie and icecream. The icecream was free with the coupon.

It was after 11 pm when we headed back towards the Midway. Lisa played a few games of six arrows. Then we headed for the exit and the car.

It was after 12:30 am by the time we were home. Lisa went to bed and, after I tucked her in I sat down and pounded this out.

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all



©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - It smells like victory!

August 28, 2014

Lisa and friends 

     I woke up this morning beside the lovely Lisa for the first time this week. Her job is insane. She and her co workers feed 120 people two meals a day out of a truck. Often with a midday move and a two hour push. It's nothing for her to put in a fourteen or fifteen hour day. A lot of nights I'm going to bed about the time she's getting up to go to work. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Three crazy days and then every weekend is a long one. I watched her sleep for a few minutes. Then she started to stir. I pretended I was asleep so she would make the coffee. I lay in bed watching the ceiling fan turn and thinking about the last few days. It's funny how as you get older your perspective changes. How the things that were once important to you turn out to be just things. The realisation that all of the truly valuable things in the world can't be bought. Love, friendship, compassion these are priceless, but in order for them to have any value they have to be given and received freely. I don't know why I'm all introspective today. Maybe because Clarissa left, maybe because I'm getting a cold, or maybe because I'm just a big girl! Suck it up Squatchy and hit the Green Room!

     I am actually feeling much better today. You know, I write this thing train of thought. Sometimes the train gets sidetracked. Sometimes it can't get out of the station. And sometimes it's a railroad car full of bullshit derailed into the fast flowing river of my mind. Personally I think that's when it gets fun. When I am excited about what I'm doing, the thoughts leap onto the screen on their own. At times, I am actually typing with more than two fingers! And I use my thumb on the space bar! 

      One thousand, that's a nice round number. One thousand, it has a nice ring to it. I even like the smell of it. It smells like victory! Or that could just be my deodorant wearing off! 

1000 Four stair stretches

I'm taking the scientific approach

     When I think that when I started doing these exercises, I wasn't able to reach my feet and I was bagged after 100 reps, I have to be pretty pleased with my progress. 

     I didn't start doing the One Stair Step until about a month ago. Because it's hard! I do 200 of them.

Help me Jesus!

     I started out doing fifty steps, twenty-Five each leg. It's the hardest one I do. Especially the left leg. I must be right footed or legged or can you be ambidextrofooted.

180 Belly crunches

Look Ma, No ass

      I changed the angle of the camera on the Belly Crunches. I did it because I'm wearing camouflage so you can't really see how big my ass is. 

     Sometimes when I see a guy walking around the mall in camo gear, I walk into them " Oh sorry man, I didn't see you there. You totally disappeared when you went past the Walmart sign!"

     If you see a guy in Camo in a U.S. mall you might want to hit the floor and play dead. 

     Okay, it took a while but it's now official. I like the series Suits on Netflix. It took half a dozen episodes to get me but, it got me. It's kind of a younger, hipper Boston Law. I watched an episode as I rode the Iron Maiden. 

Pre ride perspiration.

I was already a puddle before I even started the ride. It's gotta be good for you right? Sweating I mean. I put in an hour of hard (on my ass) time. 

Moist from the waist up, Invisible from the waist down

     When I get upstairs Lisa says to me " Wanna go play golf at Rupert?" "Would I, Would I!" I replied, giggling as I thought of the punchline of a politically incorrect joke about a guy with a hairlip and a girl with a wooden eye. There's that train again!

     I was in and out of the shower in no time flat. I was making sausage, schnitzel and eggs while Lisa nuked some cabbage rolls.

With sliced tomato and avocado

Cabbage rolls....yuuuck

     We stopped by to see Momma Lee on our way to Rupert Park. She sees the doctor every Thursday at her home and the staff monitor her quite closely the rest of the time. Not just because Lisa plies them with baked goods either! I had a long chat with the Doctor and he updated me on what was going on with Momma Lee. He has been working with seniors for a long time and seems to have a good handle on their particular health issues. He also has dealt with several seniors who have Parkinsons and has really been very patient in explaining the progression of the disease. They had a Family Gospel Group performing old time sing along Jesus songs. A piano, an Autoharp and a melodica, a keyboard you play like a clarinet. Except for a pitchy version of Jesus Loves Me, they sucked. 
     Now I get to do my second favourite thing to do with the lovely Lisa, play golf. 

It was a beautiful day to be on the course. Slightly overcast and around 22 degrees. A light breeze was blowing across the course and onto the highway, carrying the sounds of screeching tires, blaring horns and cursing morons off towards the North Shore. 

Preparation for Tee Off

It's a great little course that Lisa and I have played for years. It usually takes us about two hours to play a round.

Lisa Lawndart!

The longest hole is 120 yards and the shortest 55. It sure tightens up your short game when you play it regularly. Speaking of short games.

The Tee Shot at 11

The Putt

Birdie boy, Birdie boy, Squatchy is a Birdie boy. We sing that song when someone makes a birdie. If it's not me, I finish the song with a raspberry! I sang five times today. No raspberries!
     After the 11th hole we come to Grateful Bridge. That's what Gordy McT called it. I never cross it without thinking how fortunate we are to be who and where we are. Lisa always says, to I don't know who, " Thank you for another day" then she curtsies?

Grateful people on grateful Bridge.

     We don't keep score. We play skins. That way every hole is a new game. There are three points available on every hole. Score, closest to the pin and Birdie bonus. Last time we played Lisa beat me in a close match. Not today my little friend. 19 - 7 for the Squatchinator. To the victor goes the spoils!

Winning!

It's actually a no lose situation for me, the prize is the same when she wins too.
     Marina's vacation is almost over. 

Leaving on a jet plane

She flies back to Puerto Vallarta at noon Saturday. Two weeks gone in the blink of an eye. We had a family dinner for her tonight at Jen and Christians. 

Peaches and Cream corn

I had chicken and salad, oh yeah and radishes.

Cornless

I don't eat corn or potatoes or giant macaroon cookies or icecream. Not that I want people who eat these things in front of me, to be stricken with an affliction that causes their private parts to shrivel and die. Not saying I would mind if that happened.
     We had a nice visit. Marina is a sweetheart and we look forward to seeing her again soon. Either in PV or back here again next August. She came the first time at the end of September and would hardly leave the house she was so cold. I think that's where Christo "Mexican Lizard Boy" gets it from.

Mexican Lizard Boy con Padre

     

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

     

Who's a Fat Bastard - Cards with no addresses

August 27, 2014

      Wednesday is garbage day, well green waste recycling day. They only pick up the garbage every other Wednesday. The point is, instead of a couple of robust young men hopping on and off the truck dumping the waste into the hopper in virtual silence, now it's one guy and a big truck that wakes up the entire neighbourhood at 7:30 am! I lay in bed watching the news until my bladder got me moving. I was going to go back to bed but when I went to put my CPAP mask back on it was missing the part that holds the nose plugs together. By the time I found it, I was wide awake. I put on the kettle for coffee. Lisa bought Maxwell House because it was on sale, I think I like the No Name Instant better.
     I got right on my workout. I had to go to the Lab for blood work. I didn't want to go early because all the people who had to fast overnight are there. I was supposed to have this done two weeks ago. I've been busy.
I got in my 1000 Four Stair Stretches.

I did 200 One Stair Steps. I was projectile sweating. I wasn't feeling that great. I took my blood sugar and it was 5.9, right were it should be.

I did 144 Belly Crunches and called it a workout.

No Iron Maiden today

I showered and had a Bite to eat. A little bit of boneless pork and a cheese burger lettuce wrap.

Cheese Burger

I headed out to the Lab at just after 11. I figured it would not be too busy. I figured wrong. They have a number dispenser and I was number 98. They were serving number 79. I was packing urine. Still warm. My Doctor gave me a vial and told me to take it with me to the lab. The lab said I need to give them a fresh sample. I was dry. She gave me a test thingy and a new vial. "We'll take the blood first" she said, then proceeded to suck eight tubes of juice out of me. She pointed me at the bathroom and, sample container in hand, I was off to try to squeeze a bit of liquid out of
my well drained bladder. Standing there with the taps going full I was finally able to produce a shot glass full of pee.
     I went by Momma Lee`s for a visit. For some unknown reason they let her put a lock on her door. She keeps locking herself in and out!

Momma Lee

We sat together on the patio for a while. She asked me if I would write some cards she wanted to mail. Turned out that she doesn't have the addresses of any of the people she wanted to send cards too. We get a lot of undeliverable mail brought back.
     I wasn't feeling very good. I lay down around 3:30 and slept till almost 7. I felt better than I did earlier but still not right. I lay around watching TV till Lisa got home about 10:30. She is done for the week now. With the long weekend she has five days off. Its 1 am and I am done for the day.

That's all I got.
Till next time.
Peace Out Y'all


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward