Who's a Fat Bastard - Things that go boom in the night

July 30, 2014

     I was up this morning before the alarm. That's not unusual on days when I have an audition. I don't like to be hurried and I don't want to talk. Lisa never got home till 4 am so she was still asleep. Besides, after fourteen years she has my shtick down pretty good. I make a cup of coffee. 

Coffee

Still in my PJ's, I run the lines over and over. Reading them out loud to myself. Different tones, different emphasis and inflection. By the second cup, I'm looking in the mirror, what do I look like when I'm saying these words? Is it believable to me? Then I shave and hop in the shower, all the time running my lines out loud. By the time I'm in the audition, I want whoever is there to believe the words are mine! One line or one hundred lines, I need to own it. This particular audition is only two lines. I could learn them in my sleep. I just prefer to go through my preparation the same way every time.  My call time is 11:50. The note from the casting director, be on time, we take lunch at 12:00 sharp! Mmmmmm, low blood sugar and already cranky! Piece of cake! As I get dressed I'm working on my body language. What message am I sending with my posture? Next I pick out a head shot.

Promo Squatch

I always want to be early so I leave the house at 10:15 for the thirty minute drive to the studio. I arrive a full hour ahead of my call time. I find a parking space, that alone is like winning the lottery! I turn on 650 senile and run my lines over Frank Sinatra and BTO. Fifteen minutes before my call time, I check my look once more and head into the studio.

Pretending I'm Driving

I fill out the paperwork and take a seat with all the other hopefuls. I know most of these guys. There's only so many fifty something character actors in Vancouver. Anyone of us could play the part. It will all come down to look. When it was my turn I walked into the casting room. The casting director, the camera man and the girl I was reading with were there waiting. I said hello to everyone. Slated, did my thing, and thirty seconds later I was on my way out the door. Now I put it out of my mind. Hopefully, I will get a call back to meet the director and read for him personally. The main thing is to be prepared and trust your instincts. I left the room feeling good about what I did. It's out of my hands now. So I put it out of my mind.

     As a reward for my good work I treated myself to Tentatsu Sushi for lunch.

Best Sushi in Vancouver

I meant to take pictures, but I was too hungry and by the time I remembered the food was gone. I did the $6.95 lunch special. Miso, sumonomo, Tuna roll, Yam roll and teriyaki chicken.

     After lunch home for my workout. Four stair stretch, thirty reps five times each leg.

One hundred one stair steps, alternating legs each twenty five steps. This is the hardest exercise I do! 

Still looking for that perfect angle to take a workout selfie of the crunches

And finally another episode of Homeland. Twisted bastards.

I appear to have cut my head off. Still a solid workout that take about ninety minutes to complete.
     I got a call from Al. "Do you want to go to the fireworks tonight. " Sure, why not, Lisa is working anyway."
"I'll pick you up at 6:30" as he hung up the phone.
     I hurriedly showered and dressed. It was 4:30 and I still wanted to visit with Momma Lee. I spent an hour with Momma Lee and the dogs in the courtyard at her place. There was a nice breeze this evening after a stifling hot day.

I took the dogs for one quick lap around Como Lake and we were home just after six. I ate all my leftover Squatch Salad and then watered the gardens. My friend Al is ex Canadian forces, and then a Realtor for twenty odd years. If he says 6:30, he means 6:30. At 6:30 precisely, he was standing at my backdoor. A few odds and ends stuffed into my pockets and we were on our way.
     Thanks to Al's horrendous physical condition, and his handicap pass we got great parking. 

Nice car ...park

I was hungry and getting hungrier by the second as we scurried by the armada of foodtrucks. I had my first hot dog bun in three months, it was awesome!

Hot Dog

 Hat Dog

Add caption

Al and I made our way to the Sylvia hotel where we each had a Coors light and shared an order of natchos. 

Neither one of us should be eating natchos! Fifteen minutes before the fireworks started we made our way to our previously selected spot. The show was amazing!

Al drove us home and I wrote this down

That's all I got.
Till next time
Peace Out Y'all


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - That's showbiz

July 29, 2014

     I am finally getting back on track. Sleep wise that is. I set my alarm for 8:00 am two days ago. Yesterday I turned it off rolled over and slept till 10:00. Today I got out of bed. I need to be up and doing things at a reasonable time, and Lisa is working nights this week. She started at 9:30 am yesterday and got home after 11:00 pm. Today her call time was 4:00 pm. She will probably work all night. I need to be quiet so she can sleep. 

Unnecessary cute dog picture, just because!

     I had a couple of mugs of No Name Instant Java, and watched the local news. Put on my boogie shoes and headed down to the Green Room. I am having no problems at all with motivating myself to do my work out. I have found that my workout is getting harder but that's because I have increased the reps in the Four stair stretch and the stomach crunches.

Loose as a goose

I am doing thirty reps each set and five sets each leg. It stretches my legs, my back and my shoulders all in one exercise. 

     I need to be loose for the one stair step. I've seen them do this on TV and it's not as easy as it looks! Granted, I don't have any bouncy music or a skin tight leotard, but these people on TV are smiling and clapping their hands while one stair stepping at warp factor 5! I have done fifty Fat Bastard speed, one stair steps and am happy to change lead legs. I do fifty with the left leg lead and fifty with the right leg lead. By the time I'm done, my heart rate is up and the sweat taps are on!

  

Stepping out by stepping up

 I have been searching for the perfect angle that will capture the pure grace and power, the elegant form displayed in my stomach crunches.

Hmmmmmmmm

This once again is not it! I'm up to ten sets of twelve and I have to tell you, those two extra crunches make a big difference. I think it will get easier as I go forward. I don't know why my laptop wouldn't run Netflix yesterday, so I have the Tablet today. I watch an episode of Homeland and a couple of Bill Maher Utube clips while the Iron Maiden earns her name on my fat ass.

Easy rider?

Lisa says I should use a cushion. That doesn't seem very sporting does it? The pain helps me focus. It reminds me of the price of neglect. As strange as it seems, I look forward to completing my workout, but not as much as I look forward to doing my workout. I missed a couple of days on the Island and was racked with guilt. 

Besides, I look hot all sweated up!

Ridden hard and put away wet!

After a quick date with the shower, I made myself a nice breakfast. Eggs, tomato, pickle, porkchops and another cup of coffee. 

This is diet food?

I cleaned up the kitchen and watered the plants, quiet stuff because Lisa was still in bed. Her brother Steve showed up after visiting Momma Lee and we worked out birthday weekend plans; Steve and Lisa are twins.       I woke Lisa at 2:30. She visited with Steve got dressed and off she went. Catering to the stars!

I was just getting ready to go see Momma Lee when I got a call from my agent. I have an audition tomorrow morning. I spent the rest of the day preparing for it.  

     I had oysters with homemade cocktail sauce, porkchops and Squatch salad.

More diet food

Tonight is garbage night. Well kind of. We went to a two week schedule, but they take the recycling and kitchen waste weekly. I should have done it today, in the daylight. Idiot!

That's all I got.

Till next time

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - 274 and I slip on the thong

July 28, 2014

     I sat around for seven hours or so after we got home yesterday, That's time I should have used to write yesterday's blog. I didn't. Subsequently I was up till the wee hours of the morning and slept till 10:30 this morning. I have been time warped since Hawaii. I was so tired by the time we got home I was nodding off in my chair. But did I blog? Of course not. I waited till midnight to even start! I'm turning over a new leaf. I am going to try to publish the blog on the day it's about! Who am I kidding. Half the time I'm not home till after midnight. Okay, once last year I wasn't home by midnight. That was Saturday at the Devlin Family Hillbilly Hoedown. Oh yeah, and Spencer's fiftieth birthday, make that twice. 

     The whole clan comes down for the PNE and turn our place into Hillbilly South. I can't wait! It's also Caydence birthday while they're here, always a blast She's four this year.

Caydence

     It was Weigh Day yesterday and I conveniently forgot to weigh myself. I did however weigh myself this morning. Well this afternoon. Using my newly found anti procrastination drug, I changed and started my workout. The four stair stretch is getting easier all the time so I have increased the reps to thirty from twenty. 

Anda one anda two

I also added another exercise to my routine. Steps, okay one step, the bottom one. I didn't know how many I was going to do. At fifty I was feeling the burn starting in my calves and I was glad I had a handrail. I figured, I walked up the stairs at the Lincoln Memorial no problem. I looked, up at the stairs from the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. ( They moved the statue to the bottom)( I was ready to do it!) I wanted to do one hundred. 

Stepping up to one hundred!

I'm not going to pretend it was easy, because it wasn't, the last fifteen, I had serious doubts. I don't think I could have done this when I started in May. I may have a Cruise Ship hangover, but my resolve to be thong worthy, is still strong. 

     I don't check the pics once I start an exercise so sometimes the pics aren't that good. Like my crunches on the Princess Barbie Workout Couch. Still haven't found that flattering perspective.

Like a turtle on it's back!

I really get the legs up now. I guess it's easier without that extra thirty pounds of marshmallow goo under my skin! Ten sets of ten with thirty second rest between reps. 

view from the PBWC

I set up the Iron Maiden with my Laptop instead of my tablet. Bigger screen to watch Homeland. Netflix was down! I played a stupid marble game and listened to 1040 sports radio for an hour.

Stupid Laptop

If nothing else I work up a sweat. I haven't stepped on the scale at this point and every little bit helps.

TaDa 

It was time. I was going to eat, so I needed to weigh myself before I did. I hopped in the shower. I must have washed off a pound or two of dead skin alone! I clipped my finger nails and made a mental note to get a pedicure. Standing there naked in the bathroom, contemplating taking out my dentures for the weight. I realise, I fit in the mirror, I can see all of me. And not from the other side of the room. I hope I am off of Cruise Ship mode for good now. I'm three days carb free. Friday night I ate two chocolate chip chewy bars at Stu's. The scale is right in front of me. Patiently waiting for my date with destiny. I touch the scale with my right foot. The blue lights come on, as I step onto her, my full weight bearing down on her, she wiggles back and forth and then freezes!

Headed in the right direction

 I'm down a couple of pounds. Or 1057 grams. Wow, that sounds way better. As a reward, I had hotdogs for lunch. Cheese dogs actually.The cheese melts a little and it helps hold the hotdog on the lettuce.

Who wants a cheese dog?

After Lunch I went to visit Momma Lee. She wants to know what we're doing for Lisa and Steve's fiftieth birthday this weekend. I don't know. I just found out it was a long weekend! For sure fireworks on Saturday, Lisa loves the fireworks. We will do some kind of family party at the house. We sat out in the courtyard and enjoyed the beautiful day.

Patio at Momma Lee's

I left Momma Lee when they brought her dinner. Next stop, the lake. 

Como Lake

I never get tired of this place. 

Neither do the geese.

Rain or shine people are out walking or fishing and 

They stock the lake.

Elvis and Nutmeg love it.

     Twice around was enough for the dogs. I put the leash on when we are on the road side of the park. I let them off leash when we cross the bridge and usually they keep going around. Unless it's raining, then Nutmeg makes a beeline for the car. That's what she did after our second lap.

     I went home and made a Squatch Salad and fried up some homemade burgers from a BBQ I had in May.

Home made burgers.

They were delicious!

Dinner pour Moi!

    I should be able to keep the weight coming down now.I am feeling good about myself and what I've accomplished and I am not satisfied. So many times I have used success to allow me the leeway to stop doing what got me there. Not this time. 274 and I slip on the thong!

That's all I got.

Till next time

Peace Out Y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Backhoe full of wood

July 26 & 27, 2014

" I'm afraid I was making quite merry last night. It's only once a year" to quote Bob Cratchet upon showing up late for work. I was making rather merry myself! The weather was great, the food was perfect and the company eclectic.Let's start at the start.
     I walk out on to the back deck in Campbell River, coffee cup in hand, three small dogs peeing all over the place and Mount Washington looking close enough to touch. It was warm and sunny and even here, five blocks away, you can still smell the ocean. And the pines, and the dog bomb Elvis just dropped. He was like a freakin pigeon up at the Devlin's. Every time I looked at him he was chewing something. 
     I sat out on the deck with the dog bombs until I heard Stu get up. Lisa got up about the same time and we all sat out in the sunshine enjoying the quiet. This is at 11:00am. What's wrong with these people! Shouldn't something be happening by now? I don't mean quiet like Vancouver quiet, I mean small town quiet. No background hum or buzz, no airbrakes hissing or tires squealing. Just the sound of the wind through the Aspens, the birds in the pines and the sound of Nutmeg licking my toes. Why do some dogs do that? I think maybe she's tasting me for later.
     Daryl gave me some Bluebeary sausage yesterday. That's right, bear meat with wild blueberries. I cooked them up with eggs for breakfast. The blueberry made them a little sweet for my taste but other than that, it tasted like sausage! 
     After breakfast, Stu had some things to do before going to the Hoedown. Lisa and I got ready. Packed the cooler and a change of clothes and we were off at the crack of two! 
     We stopped at Stupor Store so Lisa could get more cherries. $1.94 lb and best cherries this year. She is a cherry eating freak. I bet she has already eaten fifteen pounds of cherries this season. Her fingers are stained red, her lips are stained red, her tongue is stained red and by the way, cherry flavoured too. Tastes way better than chapstick!
     Now that we were cherried up, we began our trek to the Hoedown. They live about ten kilometres outside of town on the backside of Elk Falls. The road runs parallel to the Campbell River and it was jammed with parked cars. 

We found a parking spot just before the road turned away from the river. There was a trail head right there and we could see the river one hundred yards away. We made our way down to the river bank and saw dozens of people fishing. Not just standing around with a line in the water but actually catching fish! Most of the people we could see were fly fishing. 

If you have never seen a BC river when the salmon are running, it is amazing. These were pinks and lots of them. We stood behind a guy sitting on a rock, who caught three fish in about ten minutes. 

Everywhere you looked on the river, people were catching fish.
     "Hey! Would you like a fish" I heard. I didn't know who said it or who it was being said to. I stared dumbly out towards were I ythink the sound came from." Yeah, you" he said pointing right at me. " They're great on the BBQ."  
" Sure, thank you, and we are on our way to a BBQ right now" I told him. So he says to his wife, who is fishing right beside him. "Go set them up a couple of fish"  she came up with a net full of fish to add to the two they already had. She picked out the two biggest ones and said "Can I clean them for you?" 

Before we could answer she had her knife out and fish guts were floating down the stream. Lisa went and got a pan out of the car for the fish and I watched Rockfisher catch and release four or five more fish. He would holler every time he got one on. You could see the Salmon in the river there were so many. 

We said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed for the Hoedown. 

     The Devlin place is out in the woods. They have an acreage that is mostly cleared that backs on to crown land. There is a sign that says Devlin Rd but it's handmade in magic marker by a three year old. The GPS says  "Off Road". 

     We arrived just after 4:00 Salmon and cherries in hand. Lisa prepped the Salmon and I mingled. Dinner was at 6:00. I have to say Campbell River is a different world. To start with, they are breeders! 

Every one at the party had three or four kids. Most of them with a brand new one! And these kids, they just run around like a bunch of ...kids. No adult supervision, no rules, just fun. Making up their own games, catching frogs by the pond, trailer rides behind the ATV and eating as much watermelon as they wanted. 

The older kids looking out for the younger kids. That`s how I remember growing up, and sadly, I haven`t seen it for a long while. I`ve never seen such happy kids.
      Dinner was excellent. Hot dogs for the kids. Ham, Pulled Pork, Salmon and ten kinds of salad for everyone else. So much food and all so tasty. I stuck to meat, coleslaw and green salad. A couple of times! 

     After dinner you would think the fire would get going and the guitars would come out. Not at Devlin`s Hillbilly Hoedown. Nope. That`s when you break out the dirt bikes! Five or six of them! Being driven by six year olds! Through the campsite! Now that`s fun. 

Lovely Lisa Scooter Trash took a spin on one of the 50cc bikes. I didn`t. I would look like the bear in the circus! Motocross ended at dark and in true Hillbilly tradition Daryl went to get firewood, with his three year old daughter driving the backhoe!

 He dumps half a bucket of giant wood pieces on to the fire pit a half gallon of gas and voila, FIRE! 

     We had three guitars playing at one point Trent and Andy and myself. We played till about 2:am and Lisa, Stu and I came back to town. Stu drove with Lisa and I drove Stu`s Lincoln town car. I haven`t drank recreationally in several years. I got tired of apologising and paying for all the crap I broke. I`m too big to be out of control. I was up until 4:00 am shooting the breeze with Stu, then up at 8:00 and headed for the ferry. We stopped to see our friend Alida who is in the hospital in Nanaimo. They wouldn`t let us bring the dogs in so I stayed in the car. Lisa always freaks out about leaving the dogs in the car, but she leaves me in the car all the time! "I`ll be right back, I just need one thing" Forty minutes later me and the dogs are panting! We made the 12:50 ferry. Then she left us in the car for forty minutes at Stupor Store!

That's all I got.
Till next time 
Peace Out Y'all


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward