Who's a Fat Bastard - No Bozo

May 31, 2014

     A funny thing happens when you stay up late, around a campfire singing and talking with friends. I mean, besides the obvious filling your heart with joy and happiness. You find yourself alone, with the embers slowly dying, still strumming your guitar and you realise, Holy Crap, it's after midnight, everyone has left, and I haven't written a word! That's why I posted last night at 3am. 

     That's also why I was awakened at 10am by the arrival of the birthday girl Jennifer, Christian and the Grandkids. I didn't even have a cup of Java in me. I look out the window, and Christian already has the pieces of the pool spread out. 

Started out with a couple of "helpers"

Soon it looks like a city job! 

Find the AD, must be a union gig! Hint, it's her birthday!

Fortunately, the fear of actual work drove them off!

     It took about half an hour to put it up and turn on the water.  

All we need is Kids!!

     Jennifer, being true to her Scottish heritage, invited us to Denny's for her free Birthday meal. I always go on my birthday too. I like free. 

Jennifer and her Mom, Sharon.

Jennifer and her daughter Isabella and Lisa's giant sandwich!

THIRTEEN DOLLARS!!!!

     I can't help it. It's a piece of chicken on a bad example of a Cesar salad. The avocado was good.  I ate it all.

So many chocolate chip pancakes. (sigh)

Thirteen dollars(sigh)

A new cup and a big smile.

      Came home and hit the Green Room for a workout. First the stairs. 
 Four stair stretch.

..

Touch them every time. I have long arms.

 Then I do ten Girly stair push ups

Moving so fast I'm a Blur!

     On to the Princess Barbie Workout Mat for my daily sit up humiliation.

     Back on track with the crunches. Ten sets of ten and it didn't hurt till I was past eighty. Even the last ten I did without slowing down too much.

Flying feet of crunches. Belly hump in the background. Not exactly flattering.

   Lisa was busy so I had to take these with the timer. That's why I cut my head off while riding the Maiden.

Hi Ho Maiden Awaaaaay!

Which I did for an hour. Homeland is not going the way I expected. Twisty! Diggin it.

     I only mowed the back forty yesterday for the BBQ. I still had the rest of it to do. So I did. "I am Lawn Boy hear me Mow!"

     Well tomorrow is weigh day. Finished off my day with another one of Lisa's fantastic Hamburgers, a sausage, Cole slaw and Squatch salad. That may, or may not still be with me tomorrow. 

Send a bun...please...

     Things are getting better but not back to normal yet. Stupid Poop Fairy.

     My friend Swede has been doing the program for a couple of weeks now. I wish him well tomorrow on his weigh day. So far he's doing great. 

     Lisa and I head out to the airport, for our three week trip back to New Jersey. At 1pm. I am going to step on the scale after I shower, but before I get dressed to go to the Airport. I plan on water picking a couple of extra grams off! 
     We have a six hour layover in Montreal, after midnight. I wonder if you can still hear the Habs fans weeping?
     Lisa has just informed me, my clown hair is not going on this trip. 

Clown hair

Clown Hair, Top View.

     Pretty much, since we have been married, Lisa has cut my hair. It's always the same. I grow it till she can't take it anymore. Then she cuts it all off and I start all over again. 

Who's got clown hair now.

     

     When she first cut my hair it took her an hour. Now she could win a sheep shearing contest! Sometimes she hog ties me ! Just for fun!

Would you cavity search this man?

But in the end ...no cavity search!
That's all I got.
Till next time 
Peace Out Ya'll

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

          

Who's a Fat Bastard - Birthday Eve BBQ

May 30, 2014

     I knew it was going to be a crazy day. I did my workout first thing this morning. Stair stretch, toe touches, I didn't even try a sit up today! Five sets into my crunches, the phone rang. I considered not answering it, but it just kept ringing. I was wearing my blue tooth and I saw it was my daughter. I should have kept crunching. She wanted me to pick up Christo at noon from his preschool. No problem, except it was eleven now. I did thirty minutes on the Maiden. Then, soaked in sweat and possibly smelling like a real Sasquatch! Still in my workout gear, I was off to pick up my four year old grandson. 

     Christo was playing outside and as soon as he saw me he started waving and yelling," Papa, Papa."

Worlds loudest four year old!

      Which is good, because if there was ever a guy you wouldn't want to give a child to, ... I looked like that guy! Wearing a still moist 49ers T shirt, Gym shorts that look like they have a potato in the back and my clown hair in full glory. I'm lucky they didn't call the cops!

I should have changed my shirt!

     On the way home I stopped to pick up a few things. Christo is at that age where he really wants to help. I got him a wheelie basket and started loading him up. He also answers everything in as loud a voice as possible. Don't know where he got that from? As we were headed to the cash I heard in his little boy loud voice " This is really heavy Papa." People where looking at me like it was child labour or something. Okay, maybe I could have carried the bag of potatoes. What can I say , he likes to help!

     When we got home Jen was waiting. She fed Christo a peanut butter sandwich... Lucky kid. I changed my still damp clothes. Then made a ham salad with onion, pickle, tomato, mayo and the ham Lisa used to make her ham stock with. Chewy, tasteless pieces of eraser wrapped in lettuce....I only ate three. Jen, headed home for a nap before the festivities. 

      And I, mowed the lawn.....again....or is it still! 

Slightly Leaner Lawn Boy

Had a quickie with Rosie. That's what I named the water pic. In case you forgot. Then went and picked up Momma Lee. By the time I got back with Momma Lee, the music was playing, the kids were bouncing on the trampoline and the three dogs were peeing on anything that wasn't moving.

Trampoweenies.

         It has always seemed strange to me that people celebrate Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, but not their own Birthday Eve. We do. In our family we celebrate, Birthday Eve, Birthday Day and Birthday Boxing Day. That's when you take back all the crap you got that you don't need/want.  The only exception to this is if your Birthday falls midweek. Then you start on Birthday Eve and continue through to Birthday Weekend. Unless your a twin. Like Lisa is. Then it's Birthday Month! .... So she tells me.

Jennifer

     Today was my daughter Jennifer's Birthday Eve BBQ. Lisa made the most fabulous Hamburgers full of herbs from the garden and I don't know what spices. These are real hamburgers. Made with lean ground beef and ground pork. Two parts beef, one part pork. Always juicy and delicious. 
     Like many days recently, this was a tough one. So many of the foods I love, Macaroni salad, potato salad, hamburger buns, birthday cake and ice cream. None of which I ate.  I had a burger, no bun, a bratwurst sausage, no bun, coleslaw and a Squatch Salad. 

I love a BBQ

     After eating too much, we sat around talking for a couple of hours while the kids played. I had set up the fire pit and the kids let me know it was time to light it. I could tell by the sticks and marshmallows. Honestly, I can't see how any of these kids will be able to sleep with that much whipped sugar in their system.
    Out came the guitars and we had a good old fashioned campfire singalong. We took turns picking songs, Steve, Gordy and myself. Everything from Van Morrison to Willy Nelson. Big fun. Love playing with those guys.

Roasting Marshmallows

     By 9:30, two hours past bedtime, the kids headed home with their offspring. 
Tomorrow, my son in law Christian, is coming by to help me put up the pool for the Grand kids. When we are travelling they stay at our home. They look after the Dogs and the plants and have parties in our house with people we don't know. (I saw it on Face book). 
     It's after midnight, so my little girl is now officially thirty-six years old. I could not be happier or more proud of the woman she has grown up to be. 

My Little Girl!

Well, that's all I got.
Till next time
Peace Out Ya'll


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

     

                  

Who's a Fat Bastard - Revoir Mes Amis

May 29, 2014

     Revoir Mes Amis. Once again, no Canadian team in the Stanley Cup final. I had the dubious pleasure of watching the game with a world class conspiracy nut! Every call, or non call brought a tirade on the obvious American conspiracy to keep the Canadian teams out of the final. Five times since the Canadiens won the cup in 93, has a Canadian team played for the cup, he proclaimed. He claims the Referee, under orders from the NHL, cost the Canadian teams the cup. Five times! No team in the history of hockey, has ever won a Stanley Cup by scoring  NO GOALS! Here in Vancouver, there is still the feeling the Refs robbed us against the Bruins. Wah Wah Wah . We didn't score any goals! We all blamed Luongo.  The truth is. We didn't score any goals! It doesn't matter if he let in seven or one. If you don't score any! Ask Tokarski. Good run by Montreal. Great hockey this year.

     I have been involved in a Diabetes study for four years and I go three times a year for an interview. They suck a little blood out of me, take my blood pressure and weigh me. I had the best results I've ever had. My blood glucose was perfect. My blood pressure was 119/81, I'm down nineteen kilos since I started the study and he didn't check my colon. He did however ask me to bring him urine and stool samples. I just left him my shorts.
     Armed with the knowledge that I am headed in the right direction. I head directly to Woody's for chicken wings. It's our local here in Coquitlam. We're not drinkers so we go to there for the food. They do 25 cent wings and always have good specials. 

Should have taken the pic before we ate 34 of the wings!

     They have NTN poker as well. Lisa took all my fake money. She already has all the real money! Last time we were in Las Vegas, she finished sixth in a tournament at the Strat. Steve and I were already on the rail. After 14 years together, I'm used to Lisa beating me. If it doesn't involve physical strength or common sense. I got at best, a 50/50 chance. 
     Went shopping at Stupor Store. Does a store really need to be that big? How do they run this place with no employees? I was looking for Crisco for like, fifteen minutes. The only thing harder to find than Crisco is some one who works there. I finally found someone who wasn't on a cash register. He was stacking lime green bananas beside the existing brown ones. " Do you have any banana coloured bananas?" I queried.  He stared at me like I had asked him how to build a nuclear reactor. " How about Crisco, any idea?" "Aisle fifty-six, I think." He thinks. I look up, and I'm at aisle 11. The guy who doesn't know what a banana is supposed to look like, "thinks" it's aisle Fifty-six. Screw it. It was for Lisa anyway.
     Momma Lee was coming to dinner and it was already four o'clock. Down to the Green Room for an ego bashing attempt at a sit up. I am definitely regressing in this department, or maybe I'm just full of wings.
     I did fifty quick crunches and rode the Maiden for forty-eight minutes. 

We be crunchin!

Pedalling without hitting my belly with my knees!

    I had to go get Momma Lee and get back while the game was on. It was half way through the first when I got to Lake Shore. Lee was waiting and we got back with 4 minutes left in the period. 
     Lisa did a prime rib roast tonight that was amazing. Perfectly cooked.  They had new potatoes tossed in olive oil and fresh basil. I had asparagus. They had oven fresh bread. I had salad. 

Prime Rib Dinner.

     When I break three hundred, I'm going to eat a cracker. I think when I do I'll probably be in New Jersey. Lisa was born in Kearny NJ. That's where the Soprano's was filmed. That pizza joint in the credits is in Kearny and has great pizza. That will be my reward.               I've been going at it since eight this morning. Slowly getting everything in order before we leave. I have been so preoccupied I keep forgetting to take pictures. I'll try to do better. 

     Bottom line , my Doctors happy with what I'm doing. I'm happy and feeling good about my health, and about my life. Writing this blog has my creative juices flowing. So far no down side. 

That's all I got
Till next time

Peace Out Ya'll


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard

     This is my first attempt at a blog. Do I have anything important, interesting or even slightly amusing to contribute to the blogosphere. I have no idea. I am about to start on a journey and every one is welcome to come along.
     I had an epiphany while at the dog beach 3 days ago. May 1 2014. I am a fat bastard. I know that most of you are already aware of this. I was, until recently, blissfully unaware. The biggest lies we tell, are the ones we tell ourselves! I have somehow become a compulsive liar. I could look in the mirror and say "Oh yeah Squatchy, you lookin good". Of course my mirror is 14 inches wide and I am 44 inches wide. I like to refer to it as my optical delusion. I am seriously starting to get the Santa thing down pat. And what does Santa do? He works one day a year and eats too many cookies!
     I walk around Como Lake 4 times a week, 1 kilometre each time around and I usually go around twice. My legs are tighter than a nun's sense of humour. My butt cheeks could crack walnuts! The problem is I am carrying the equivalent of 2 sacks of cement on my chest and belly. No that's not right. More like 75 lbs of marshmallow. Soft and squishy.
With a razor and an ice cube,  my " mantitties "  could be a centerfold!
     So what am I going to do about it? I have already started a version of the Atkins diet. I did it in the 90's and lost 100 lbs. Then I started making kidney stones, ooooooowwwwww, that sucked long, hard and steady. Back then I went heavy on the meat aspect of the program. I wasn't happy unless something was slaughtered for my dining enjoyment. This time, I'm more into the veggies. If only they would scream when I cut them (sigh). So here I go, May 2 2014 let the diet begin.
     I weighed  myself after my morning constitutional, because that is when you are lightest, having just mailed a 2 pounder to the pooping grounds, and came in at 74.2 lbs over my fighting weight at a  rotund 324.2 lbs. Now, some people might be intimidated by the high numbers. Not me. Here in Canada we're metric! That makes me a slim trim 147.363636363636, I may not need to diet after all. Unfortunately,
 I don't have metric pants! 
     After my first day of meatloaf, no filler, made by the lovely Lisa, 1 lb of asperagus , 3 eggs and a whole bag of Squatch enhanced salad, I slept like a baby, I usually would have a bowl of cereal before bed and would toss and turn all night. Sometimes I would be so restless, I would get out of bed and eat another bowl of cereal. If I eat enough empty carbs I can slip into  diabetic shock for 6 hours. Ahhh, nothing like a good nights coma. 
                             May 3 2014
     I know not to expect much to happen after only one day, yet still I was eager. I had a cup of coffee, no sugar, 1 cream. I don't mean to be indelicate but, you could set your watch by my BM's. I always used to pinch a loaf by 7:30 but as I got older I found myself sleeping till 8, Lisa was not amused. So now I have trained my colon to spring into action at 9. Everyone is much happier. 
     After 1 day on my diet I stripped down to the suit I was born in, and stepped on the scale. To my surprise it read 322.1 lbs. or 146.4090909 metric, that's  less than the day before. 
     Okay already, I know it's just water weight, but water made the grand canyon! Had a couple of eggs for breakfast. We have these fantastic eggs we got from  Vancouver Island, bright orange yolks and sooo tasty. They'll have to measure my cholesterol in a bucket. A can of tuna, onion, mayo, dill pickle, salt, pepper , a few shots of Frank's Hot Sauce and some leaf lettuce and lunch is a munch.
I am really diggin the whole lettuce thing. The funny thing is, I never liked lettuce on a sandwich. 
     Lisa and I went down to Woody's Pub for dinner. They do excellent wings and wings are protein and I choose to ignore the cabillion grams of fat these deep fried beauties contribute to my already congested colon, but I digress. I usually have a Red Eye when we go to Woody's, that's beer and tomato juice, it just seems wrong to live on beer and chicken wings alone. Love my veggies. Alas, beer is not on my diet so I ordered a diet coke. I think my toxic levels of aspartame were down a quart. I rarely drink soda these days and I feel bad sitting there eating cheap chicken wings and drinking water. Played NTN Poker for a couple of hours, paid our tab , $20 with tip. Made my Scottish heart jump for joy. Late night snack of celery sticks with cream cheese and a boiled egg . I was in bed and asleep by 12:30 so far so good.
                                May 4 2014   
   I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and energetic. Could it be that my change in diet is having an effect already. Or did my sometimers cause me to double up on my meds? Brewed up a pot of Joe and eagerly awaited the arrival of the poop fairy. Right on time. 
     There is something surreal about standing naked in your bathroom when you are as big as I am. You kind of have to twist and rotate in order to see some of the formerly prominent appendages. My Dad told me " If you have good equipment put a shed over it " I may have gone a little too far. 
     In my brain I hear the screams of the scale as I approach it with trepidation , not wanting to alarm it, I speak nicely to it assuring it I would be gentle. I feel the coolness of its glass face being crushed beneath my Squatch like feet. Its digital display spinning like a slot machine. Finally it blinks at me 3 times 319.6 or 145.2727272727
in my ultra skinny metric size.
     Feeling good about myself I make an omelet with onion, Squatch smashed meatloaf, fresh tomato and a dash of Slap Your Mamma Cajun spice. Watched the Raptors become extinct in the NBA playoffs then went to visit my Mother in law at the care facility where she lives now.
     I go there with my guitar once a week and play the residents all those old country songs. Hank and Merle and Willy. I love to perform as you know, and they are mostly non mobile, I love a captive audience. Even if I suck they can't get away. 
     I came home and wrote this blog, I guess like everything I do, I'm doing this for me. I don't know if I will reach my goals or if anyone cares if I do. Will I keep it up? We will see.
     Almost dinner time. Broccoli, Squatch enhanced salad and a return appearance of the Meatloaf.

This is the pic that started it all

Bon Apatite   
.  
©2014 Dave Squatch Ward
     

Who's a Fat Bastard - Anything for a Kiss

May 28, 2014

     This morning at 8:45, I plunked myself down in the dentist chair for a teeth cleaning. You wouldn't think it would take that long. I only have four teeth up top. They are there to hold my plate in. My bottom teeth , though healthy, are ugly as a wombats butthole. I can floss with garden hose! 
     My teeth are a victim of bad diet, Scottish dentistry and a pool cue in a parking lot. Now, for the first time in my life, my mouth doesn't hurt. The issue I'm having is my gums appear to be shrinking.  Of all the places I need to lose weight, my gums are way down the list.  I'm afraid my plate is going to pop out into Como Lake or a Walmart urinal or something. I hope Poly Grip is low carb.
     We leave on Sunday for three weeks back east. I plan to continue with my program as best I can. I just don't want to do it as a toothless Hillbilly.  The dentist said unless I plan on staying this size, I should wait till I reach my goal before I have my plate lined. Great a Leopard Skin Thong and wobbly teeth!
     After the Dentist, two hard boiled eggs, half of a tomato and a pickle.
        An event twelve years in the making! For those of you who don't know or much care. Twelve years ago, two weeks after we were married in the backyard of our home, our house caught on fire and we were out of our home for four months. Last week Lisa dug up our wedding pictures. Unseen for twelve years. 
     All of a sudden, I'm chained to the scanner! We never did do all the wedding picture stuff that we had planned to do.  Our personal wedding album has six coffee stained pics in it and, we don't know where it is. What can I say, life got in the way. "Can you scan a couple of pictures for me?" Turned into this!

Lisa's definition of "a couple"

     It's a career! Hundreds of pictures, out of thousands of pictures, taken by three different photographers. I've been quiet about it up till now. But really, how many different angles of one hundred and fifty drunken fools do you need. I was thinking a couple of the Ceremony, a couple of the rings, maybe the cake, a kiss or two. If she puts them in an album it will be the size of a set of encyclopedias! That's what I've been doing with my "spare" time. 

Sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

     On the other hand, that may be a motivator in my continued desire to exercise. The kissing I mean.
     Back to business. The Iron maiden awaits. As my fitness level increases and my physical mass decreases, I am adding other exercises to my routine. 
     I start with my four stair stretch to loosen up my ham strings. I put my heel on the fourth step and reach for my toes. I like this one because I can reach my toes every time. It also makes my eyes bug out! I do five reaches then switch legs. 

Stretching out the hammies.

      I do that five times on each leg. The left leg is harder to do. I tore my hamstring very badly when I was living in Campbell River. Playing Flag Football. They took me off the field in the back of a pickup, took me home and left me there by myself for three days. Unable to do anything but crawl, I may have eaten the neighbours cat.
     I started doing push ups on the stairs today. I don't know if my shoulders are up to it but I'm gonna try. I leaned forward on to the fifth stair and did ten reps. I have bursitis in both shoulders. Ten was lots. I was hurting when I was done. I need to do something to firm up my Moobs/Mantitties. Maybe I'll try some free weights. Just when I'm riding the Maiden. I'm already in pain. It might take my mind off my aching butt.
     I then touch my toes twenty times. Actually touching both toes, at the same time, several times.
     I still can't do a sit up. I think I'm getting closer. I probably need to get rid of the rest of the jelly roll around my waist first.
     In an attempt to remove above mentioned jelly roll, I do ten sets of ten crunches. I think the first sixty or so are getting easier, but the last twenty are getting harder. I'm moving like an old man by the end of it. Oh wait, I am an old man.

Ride , Squatchy, Ride

     I finish off with an hour on the Iron Maiden. Still watching Homeland the series. Netflix rocks. No commercials, unedited. 

Thank God for Netflix

A little too smart for prime time, Dennis Miller, Utube video, and I'm moving on. Now, Time for lunch.
     That was the plan any way.Today was Jam day at Gord's at 2:00 and I totally blanked on it. I was listening to tunes and scanning twelve year old memories. Next thing I know it's 4:30. I thought to myself, self, you should call Gord. Then I forgot. Then he called me. Then I found myself making one of those stuttering, I should have called you earlier explanations that always sound like bullshit. I know I should have called. It was the first thing that popped into my mind when I realised what time it was. Maybe I have a little bit of sometimers. It would seem sometimes I lose track of me!
     Watched another excellent hockey game. Is it me, or are a lot of games going to overtime this year? I picked Chicago to repeat so I was happy with today's result. I have to think that the NHL would prefer New York  v  Los Angeles. Two largest TV markets and the stands full of celebrities to fill the dull bits.
     Fired up the BBQ and did cheeseburgers for Lisa and I. A nice Squatch salad an avacado and some steamed broccoli. 

It's not the same when you can't pick it up to eat it.

    I skipped lunch today. I know that's not a good thing to do, I just got so caught up in what I was doing. I have a ton of things I want to do before we leave. The first leg of our trip begins on Sunday. I don't know if I will be able to post every day while we are travelling. I will be doing my best to stick to my diet. I know it's going to be hard. The best Pizza in the world! The good news is we always walk miles when we travel. We are with family in New Jersey first, then the weekend in Washington D C. Looking forward to the Smithsonian and the Lincoln Memorial. Then up to Pennsylvania to hang out with Lisa's Dad for his birthday.
     Sorry, I'm rambling on about nothing. Just thinking out loud with my fingers. Half way to weigh day and feeling good. I am hoping to  break the 300 lb mark by Sunday. I hope the weather improves. It's my loving daughter Jennifer's Birthday on Saturday. We are having a BBQ for her on the Friday night. Be better if it's nice out. I won't be trapped in the house with half a dozen 5 year olds.
Well, that's all I got.
Till next time
Peace Out Ya'll

     ©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Why, Why, Why?

May 27, 2014

     Someone way smarter than me once said "You can pick a horse, You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family!" My brother in law Peter has some issues, and has for many years. We take him and Momma Lee for lunch every six weeks or so. His favorite restaurant is The China Kitchen now called the Asian Kitchen. It's a freakin buffet! Dim Sum, Sushi, chow mein the list goes on and on! Why, Why, Why? Because Peter's family and it makes him happy. 
     I'm writing this at ten o'clock in the morning. At nine o'clock I ate a preemptive breakfast in the hopes that I will not go berserk in the Asian Kitchen. Two eggs, avocado and tomato I also added melon and apple because I need the fiber. Thanks Karen. 

A nice healthy breakfast.

     It's that time of year when we eat out on the deck quite often. Things are growing and it's so relaxing.

Our front deck.

      Until 10:52, when the bus arrives at the bus stop across the street. Freakin air brakes!
      Here's a funny thing. They say an apple a day keeps the Doctor away. I don't like raw apples. So being a problem solver, everything tastes better sauteed in butter. If only I could have found the Cinnamon.

A little butter and voila!

     Peter will be here by noon, so I have a couple of hours of weed whacking to do. As usual Peter shows up early. He's not really a talker, so he sits and drinks coffee and goes out on the deck to smoke. 
     When Lisa gets back from her appointment we head out to pick up Momma Lee. She seems to be in a really good mood. She speaks so softly these days it's a struggle to hear her. That may not be such a bad thing. Asia Kitchen in Coquitlam.  Peters favourite restaurant.

    They have five kinds of noodle. Five kinds! Shanghai is my favourite. It's curry flavoured. Not on my diet. 

Diet Hell!

     They have two huge steam tables lined both sides with delectable tidbits of Asian origin, and french fries. Right there between the shrimp chips (100% shrimp free) and the Yum Yum chicken. Which is aptly named. As Buffets go, this is a good one. The food is fresh and hot. The service is very good and the place is clean. I loaded up on protein.

Egg Foo Yung and Yum Yum Chicken.

     I know this looks bad, a lot of meat and not much in the way of veggies. That's because my plate was full before I got to them. I went back for seconds, Bok Choy and broccoli in black bean sauce and a Lemon Grass chicken that was very tasty. Peter had four bowls of Ice Cream. We get him to come to our house on the bus then always give him a ride home to Poco. 
     I ate so much, I ate so much my belly was rolling inside my skin like pantyhose stuffed with cottage cheese! Another benefit of Asia Kitchen Buffet is, it seems to be a powerful laxative. Believe me, I`m not complaining! 
     All of a sudden it was four o`clock. I had done nothing but an hour of weed whacking and eat! It was time to drag my fat ass down to the Maiden. I did my four stair stretch, thirty sit ups and an hour on the Maiden. I didn`t do any crunches today because, I am a hockey fan. I  wanted to watch the Canadiens game. As it was the score was 2 - 1 Montreal by the time I got upstairs. At 4 - 1 I went to have a shower. Now, there is a lot of me to wash but, with Rosie the water pic in hand, I move along pretty good. Squeaky clean and hockey happy. 4 -4? Really? I have to say, I thought they where done. I thought it was over. 
     They found the will to win. They were able to muster up the strength they needed to succeed. It's not supposed to be easy. If it was everyone would win a cup. It's in these games, when everything is on the line, that you see the character of a team. If this is a true representation of this teams character. I look forward to game seven in Montreal. 

Developing a little character of my own.

     We had a few people come over after the first period. We had a cheese tray, snacks and played cards. I had a strange dinner tonight. At about eleven I was finally hungry. Baked chicken and Egg Salad Lettuce Wraps.

Mother, Daughter.

    Not only have I been doing well on my program. I won twice at cards tonight. Must be the clean living. Dentist at 8:45  tomorrow morning. Just a cleaning. So I'm going to call it a night. Thanks again for your support and feel free to share.
That's all I got.
Till next time
Peace Out Ya'll


©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - I Pooped a Melon

May 26, 2014

     It's strictly science. What goes in, must come out. After 4 days of shall we say, discomfort. The Poop Fairy arrived with what I believe was a giant corkscrew. As I am in possession of a quizzical mind. It seemed to me the perfect opportunity to do a little experiment.

     I know it's not a Weigh Day, but in the interest of science, I weighed my self Pre and Post Poop Fairy. I'm not going to go into detail. Lets just say I had time to do the Province crossword. 

Pre- Poop Fairy

Now I ask you, what does science tell us about this?  That's right, I just pooped a Melon! 

Post Poop Fairy 

      Maybe a Cantaloupe or a Honey Dew. No, probably not a Honey dew, maybe a Krenshaw melon. Something with a little more length than girth. 3.2 lbs. That must be some kind of record! I'll have to google that.

     Since I was headed down to the Green Room anyway, I took the laundry and the vacuum with me. I'm a multi tasking fool. Of course there is always the chance the wet clothes will sit in the washer for two days. It's not like that hasn't happened before.
     I am expanding the range of exercises I do to include more stretching. I call this one the four stair stretch. My goal is five stairs. I also did ten push ups on the stairs. That's all my shoulders will let me do, for now.  I need to do something to firm up my Moobs/Mantitties!

Four Stair Stretch

          Then I hit the Princess Barbie Mat. I had a minor breakthrough today. I actually got my back off the mat while trying to do a sit up! Still perfect 0 for 25!

Lisa is standing on my feet.

     Ten sets of ten. That's my goal for crunches. I've done it the last two workouts, I can do it again. As usual the first fifty are a breeze. The thirty seconds of rest between sets is adequate for my recovery. The next forty, I'm hanging in but I am definitely slowing down. The last ten are a killer. It seems to take an eternity to get through that last set. I'm moving in slow motion. But I'm still moving!

AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

      Watched episode 3 of Homeland, what a twisted show. Liking it lots. Tuned into Dennis Miller on Utube to finish off my torture session with the Iron Maiden. Switched over the laundry, vacuumed the green room and went to have lunch. Not a bad start to the day.
     Now this is the Martha Stewart part of the blog.
How to make a Roast Pork lettuce wrap. A Pictorial.

 Roast a Pork

Keep Lettuce in water stays crisp for days.

Tillamook Marble Cheddar

Leftover Roast Pork

Mix Mustard and my Homemade Horse Radish

Apply Horsey mustard generously

Sliced Tomato and a Pickle

       And that is how you make a Roast Pork Lettuce Wrap. It's also how I fill up my blog without having to think too hard.
     After my Lunch I went to visit Momma Lee. She's doing alright these days. She's all excited about the Alaska Cruise we are going on in July. She wants me to get her bag packed and ready. Six weeks is too long to be packed . What will she wear till we leave? Keep in mind she's seventy-three, naked is not an option! Lisa and I leave for the U. S. east coast  on Sunday, for eighteen days. See Papa Dawg and all the inbreeds. I mean in-laws. 
       Then I headed over to Como Lake for a couple of laps with the dogs and Lisa. Or should that be Lisa and the dogs. Lisa doesn't read my blog anyway. She doesn't need to. She's living this adventure right along side of me.  

Como Lake

 

Has Fishermen

Has Geese

Has Ducks

And now Has Salmon Berries

      This could be a good score. Lisa makes an excellent Salmon berry jam. I can't eat it, but that doesn't matter. I'm sure she's mapped out all the bushes in order of ripening! Salmon Berries are tart anyway. I don't like that, or sour either. In case you wanted to buy me fruit. 
    We got home and lazed around till supper. Feeling guilty because I should have mowed the lawn, again! Half a day rain, half a day sunshine, all day growing! Should of bought a condo. lol. Not on your life!
     We had a combo dinner, leftovers and Chicken Plano . Some things are better the next day. Spaghetti squash is not one of those things. I gagged it down cause it's good for me. This is what I was talking about when I said, take the time to make a nice meal. I should have pan fried that squash with a little olive oil salt and pepper. Instead, I nuked it for Forty-five seconds. What do you think? Lazy or stupid?

Chicken Dinner with a side of leftovers!

     Some leftover pork and gravy, broccoli and of course Squatch Salad. I use the no name, no fat Italian dressing. Ten calories per tbs and no carbs. Read the calories and carbs on the label of the big brands and you will be surprised at the difference.
     I wasn't going to do this but Lisa says I should show you this. No, not the gigantic stretch mark road map on my formerly taut belly. She wanted you to see this.

Size 46, it's been years

Size 50, this is what I was wearing when I started.

I was so happy I went nuts!

     I didn't put these up to pat myself on the back. I have just begun to fight! I did this so those of you who want to try to improve the quality of your life, and lose a little weight, may take some information or inspiration from what I'm doing.  A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I finally chose to take that step and I haven't regretted a minute of it. Well, maybe that last picture.
That's all I got.
Till next time
Peace out ya'll
     
©2014 Dave Squatch Ward