Who's a Fat Bastard - Nice warm jacket and baggy ass pants!

December 30 2014

Nice warm jacket and baggy ass pants!

      I knew today was going to be a special kind of day. When I got out of bed this morning the Sun was shining brightly. I checked the thermometer on the front desk and it was - 4 degrees. 

Golf weather?

The front deck is south facing and it gets the Sun from first thing in the morning.

Just to see the difference I checked the thermometer on the side deck which faces west and doesn't see the Sun until 3:00 in the afternoon. It was - 11 degrees!

Man up girly boy, the links becon

      As I was writing yesterday's blog the lovely Lisa asked me what I wanted to do today. I said we should go and play golf, the last round of 2014.

     Since it was a special kind of day I had a special kind of breakfast. Prime rib bones and eggs. That's a first for me!

Dem bones

      I posted yesterday's blog about 10:30 and told her I was ready to go. At 12:30 I was still ready to go. At 1:00 we swung by Mama Lee's where they were doing a Catholic Church Service. The lovely Lisa had a quick word with Mama Lee while I waited outside so as not to burst into flames. 

     The drive into Rupert Park was one of those days we have where the air is so clean and fresh the North Shore mountains look like a postcard. 

Mountain majesty from the highway

We were not the only people looking to get in a few holes. There were three groups ahead of us so we started on the ninth hole which was empty. 

      Winter golf on the wet coast can be challenging but it's still golf. Not many places in Canada that you can golf on December 30.

And the gallery goes wild!!

Even less places where you can take your Rat dogs with you. The ground is frozen in a lot of places but no ice or snow on the ground. The lovely Lisa hit first and hit the pin with her tee shot. It ricocheted off the pin and rolled twenty five meters away. I landed my shot fifteen meters short of the green it took a big bounce straight up in the air and rolled to the edge of the green. 

Head down arm straight

I won the first hole. The score went back and forth. We were alone on the back nine. 

Can you see the ball?

Enjoying the warmth of the sun on our faces and trying to keep our fingers warm. The temperature was hovering right around 0 degrees. When we went back to number one there was still a line up so we called it a game after nine holes. I won 6 - 5  on the last hole with a KP and a par. It was after 3:30 when we got home. 

We were meeting friends at the Rivers Reach Pub at 5:00 for dinner.

Our regular group won't be together on New Years for the first time in several years. Annie and Willy are part of the crew that do New Years at the Legion and Gord and Penny organised the party at Dunwood where Gord is the president of the tenants association. We are going to a Jam/Black and White party in New Westminster. So along with Bro Steve, who will be with us on New Years Eve, we got together for dinner. 

       Our waitress took our drink orders and told us her name was Montana, I asked if that was her real name or her stripper name? She said it was her real name. I guess her Mom was a stripper! Place names are popular with strippers, Dakota, Cheyenne and Paris are names I have seen in strip clubs. You know a place name you never hear a stripper use? Idaho!

Bro Steve and Willy

The lovely Lisa

      We once again ordered way to many of the half price appies to share. I ordered lettuce wraps and didn't share. 

Moi, Annie and Gordy

I did share the stuff everyone else ordered. A lot of it was straight carbs and I didn't need them. 

Lettuce wraps

I usually have a beer because I feel guilty about eating the cheap food and not buying a drink but today I just had coffee. We sat and told each other lies for nearly three hours. Willy and Annie work in the morning and Gord is old! Just kidding! But he is old!

      As we drove away from Rivers Reach I noticed we were not taking our usual route home. "I just want to look at something" the lovely Lisa said. She wanted to look at christmas lights. "Can we check out the lights in New Westminster?" she asked, like I had a choice. In a rare gesture of compassion the lovely Lisa let me listen to the Canucks game on the radio while visions of sugar plums danced in her head! 

New Westminster

Coquitlam

      It was half way through the third period when we stopped to see Mama Lee again on our way home. She was sitting in front of the TV watching the Canuck game in her Canucks Logo Santa Hat with a couple of other residents. She has a bee in her bonnet right now about the ticket prices to a Canucks game. She wants the phone number of management so she can phone and tell them their ticket prices are too high. I think I'll give it to her. Maybe she'll call them thirty times a day! Mama Lee has never been to a game. She only started watching sports after her husband Adrian passed away last year. Now it's the Canucks and the Lions. 

      Home to tiny TV town for the last few minutes of the game and the Raptors game that I recorded. I was tossed out of tiny TV town at 10:30 by the lovely Lisa. I never made it to 11:00! I was asleep in the living room when Nutmeg started pawing at me to go out. It was freakin cold. I tossed the Rat dogs on the bed crawled into the lovely Lisa warmed sheets and was asleep instantly.

That's all I've got

Till next time 

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Elvis might have set a land pee record.

December 29, 2014

Como Lake, almost never freezes over

      On a scale of one to ten today was about a three! Not that anything unfortunate for evil had happened, it was just the energy level was down across the board. I was out of bed by 9:00 but totally lacked any kind of motivation whatsoever. The lovely Lisa and the Rat dogs were still in bed. I guess we were all still recovering from our Christmas food fest. Three days of too much turkey, turkey dinner, hot turkey sandwiches, turkey salad lettuce wraps and turkey Squatch Chef salads. It takes a while to go through forty-six pounds of turkey, even with twenty-one people helping.

      I had barely been out of bed for an hour sipping on drippy Joe and watching the news on five different stations. CTV, SunNews. CNN, BBC and Al Jazeera. No good news on any of them. Another passenger plane fell out of the sky in Asia. Putin is keeping Crimea and everybody hates Harper. 

      While here at home. The skies were clear and the Sun was shining. Don't let it fool you! It was zero degrees! Freezing. I prefer the rain. One time I was doing stand up in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. It was - 47 degrees before the wind chill. I didn't care, I was warm and happy in my hotel. My block heaterless car on the other hand, had to sleep outside. In the morning as I load my stuff into the car after heating my key with my lighter to get the lock open, I find that the key in the ignition does nothing when I turn it. The front desk was happy to call a tow truck to give me a boost free of charge and how come I don't have a block heater? When the tow truck came he had a super booster battery thingy that he said could start anything. When he hooked it up, the side of the battery melted and burnt out most of the west coast rain forest sodden wiring. The good news was I already had a tow truck there. The bad news was I was playing in Saskatoon that night. I dropped the car at the Canadian Tire I could see from the hotel and the tow truck driver dropped me at the bus depot with my luggage in time to get on the 8:30 bus to Saskatoon. It would get me in at 6:45 for my 8:00 show. 

      See what happens? I went all sideways again. When the lovely Lisa and the Rat dogs got up, Nutmeg had to be chased off the deck. Elvis might have set a land pee record. He had his leg up before he hit the bottom of the ramp!

      The lovely Lisa was taking Mama Lee shopping today. Always an adventure. I was going to replace my printer that had just died. I wanted the same printer. I paid $25 for it ten years ago. I got my money's worth. And I have a $150 worth of ink cartridges that fit the printer. I bought six, three black and three colour in the package for $10 when we went yard sailing in the spring. Needless to say they no longer make that printer. I was about to buy a different make that used different cartridges when I noticed on the top shelf and undisplayed, an HP printer for $35. 

It used the right ink cartridge and it's wireless, it works off the WiFi. Warms my frugal Scottish heart. 

      To celebrate my success I took the Rat dogs to Como Lake. 

Cold! Brrrr

They weren't happy about it. Not only was it colder than it looked. The parking lot we use was closed and they were chopping things down and grinding stumps and generally making anti-Rat dog noises. Elvis got over it pretty quick because it was constant. There was some kind of machinery running pretty much non stop. Hard to believe it was a city crew! Nutmeg lost her tiny little mind! Even at the furthest point from the work she had her tail between her legs. I dragged her around the lake once and we left. It's the first time ever I had her on the leash the whole time. Poor little Chicken Rat dog.

Ducks don't seem to mind the cold.

      I stopped by Cheap Thrills on my way home for some salad stuff then again at Mundy Park for the Rat dogs to pee in peace and quiet. Nutmeg tail up and tearing around with Elvis. By the way Elvis turned thirteen on boxing day. He never even got a card! While I'm on the subject of Elvis. In the movie Love Me Tender, I don't believe Elvis sodomised Gabby Hayes. I know the Elvis fans reacted badly to that joke. I'm sure it was the other way around! Camp cook has a lot of power! There I go all sideways again. 

      The lovely Lisa and I arrived at home from different directions at the same time. I went to the office to install my new printer and the lovely Lisa kicked back on the couch recovering from an afternoon of shopping with Mama Lee. The printer hooked up like I knew what I was doing. I got it working with my Mac and with my laptop. "Look Ma , No wires!"

      "What do you want to do for dinner, Honey?" I asked "Let's go out for dinner then do a Christmas Light Cruise." The lovely Lisa replied. "Sure, there must be a light somewhere we haven't seen" I replied in my head. "Okay" is what came out of my mouth. I like Christmas lights. Just not as much as the lovely Lisa. We went on line and googled the best lights in Vancouver. Trinity Street was number one. It also happens to be two minutes from Tentatsu. It was now 6:30 and I was hungry. The lovely Lisa, who seems to be able to go days without eating, drove us around aimlessly until we got to Trinity Street. 

Trinity Street

Invasion of the Gingerbreads

There in those five blocks was Christmas Nervana, or Christmas obsession. Depending on your point of view.

Marilyn Claus

The lovely Lisa drove us once up the street then with the vow of "I shall return!" we made it to Tentatsu at 8:00. There was a line up at the restaurant. Between 5:00 and 9:00 they turn the house four or five times. A steady stream of people were leaving. We waited only a few minutes before we got a seat. 

$18 worth of Japanese .

The whole restaurant was in motion. By the time we ordered our food the place was full again. 

We had a nice meal as we always do at Tentatsu. Then back to Christmas light water boarding. 

Okay, I like this one.

I am so done with Christmas. Can you tell? 

Grinchy Squatch?

It was nearly 11:00 and -12 when we got home. The lovely Lisa went in the front door and I took the Rat dogs into the back yard. They went and scratched at the back door immediately. I chased them off the deck until they peed then let them in. A couple of days of rest then New Years Eve. Looking forward to the Jam/Black and White Party we are going to. Our hosts are collecting warm clothes and blankets for those in need as well. How cool is that. 

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

 ©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - If I don't move she won't see me!

December 28, 2014

Freshly hunted prime rib

      Sundays are not the most active of days around Casa Lisa over the winter but somehow they seem to just fly by.
It might have something to do with lying in bed till 10:00
or maybe it has something to do with the fact that NFL football starts at 9:00 in the morning. 
The collection of talking heads, collected on three different channels dispensing the collected knowledge of ex coaches, ex Jocks and hopefully ex broadcasters.
      I got out of bed for real at 10:30, the drippy Joe was waiting. It will just have to wait. With a large basket of laundry, I went down to the green room to do my workout. I get the laundry started and listen to the football game on the radio as I do my usual ten sets of floor exercises  and 200 One Stair Steps.

Post workout selfie

      I switched to my tablet and watched another episode of Lilyhammer. Johnny knocked up his girlfriend. I'm really enjoying the show.
      A long hot shower and a Squatch Chef salad for lunch and I was perched in front of the Seahawks game in tiny TV Town for a couple of hours. 

Squatch Chef Salad

Then in a moment of compassion, and because she thinks it's the last football game for the year, because I told her it was. I was allowed to watch the second half in High Def glory in the living room. Then the talking heads started talking about playoffs. I stared straight ahead as I felt her eyes burning into the side of my head. It was like Jurrasic Park! If I don't move she won't see me! Eventually she moved off to hunt tonight's dinner.
      The lovely Lisa had purchased an eight pound prime rib roast and was roasting it tonight in order to lure our friends into a night of playing cards. Barry "Mole Boy" Ho was the first to arrive and helped me set up the table and chairs. 

Mole Boy and Squatch

We watched a year end blooper show and everyone was here by 5:00 when the Canucks game started. 
      The grandkids were banished to the Green room where they inflicted various and assorted mental and physical wounds upon each other. All dutifully reported to the mother ship (Jen) with astounding regularity. Six and Four years old. We were the same at that age. Any excuse to be around the grown ups. I've seen Bella play in the pool for three hours without ever getting out of the water. If she thinks there's a party going on, she has to pee every two minutes! Does make me think I might increase the chlorine level next year now that I think about it. 

Prime rib Dinner

      Dinner was served at 6:00 and the prime rib was perfectly cooked. Except for Christians. Beef in Mexico is always cooked well done. Lisa cut a chunk off for him before it went in the oven and created a little scaffold between them to roast them together.

Construction Cookery

It was still a bit rare so Chef Boy R Lisa tossed some in a frying pan for thirty seconds each side and everyone was happy.  
      The Canucks game was on the TV and we flipped back and forth between that and the Raptors game. Christian is a big Raptors fan. Raptors won, Canucks lost in overtime and the Seahawks have home field for the playoffs.
      We played three games of Screw Your Neighbour, I won one of them, once again proving that the cream rises to the top! Of course so does the fat!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat Bastard - Or maybe it's just living with me!

December 27, 2014

Dictating my blog

      Before I start writing today's blog I want to clear something up. I didn't mean to imply that our guests were anything other than helpful and considerate in the Pot lucking, the service and the cleanup of Christmas dinner. Every person that was here was an important part of our Christmas dinner and we couldn't have pulled it off without everyone's contributions.  If you are offended by being called Bastards, you should hear what I call you behind your back, Ya Bastards!

      I tried to sleep in. I woke up at 7:00 and after answering the call of nature I slid back into my nice warm bed and lay there thinking, Why didn't I write something last night? Perhaps after sleeping on it I am able to put it into words more concisely? Or perhaps, and more likely, I forget half of what happened and just fill in the blanks around the major events. I have never been one to let reality get in the way of a good story. I hesitate to say truth because there is always some element of truth in what I write. Would I swear in court that it's exactly how it happened? Maybe not. But if I put up a laundry list of my activities, would you bother to read it? Maybe not. Except Barry "Mole Boy" Ho who was with us at Christmas and sucks at cards and told me he reads me on the toilet everyday and could I be more punctual with my posts. Now isn't that more interesting than saying Barry was here?

      I'm not just a Fat Bastard. I'm a Fat Sarcastic Bastard! It comes naturally to most Scotsmen and all Scots Women. Slaggin your mates is a national pastime. 

      I lay in bed for an hour then got up and cooked up a pot of drippy Joe. I stood in the kitchen and looked out the window at the return of the rain. Grey and cold. I hear the scratching of eight tiny feet on laminate flooring behind me. "Go have a Pee." I said as I opened the door. Elvis tools down the ramp and whizzes right away. If you don't watch Nutmeg when it's raining, she will pee right on the welcome mat. How welcoming is that? The lovely Lisa was right behind them. Not outside to pee, just out of bed. The lovely Lisa gives the Rat dogs a treat just for waking up. I think I'm more deserving of a treat just for waking up! Heads up, Beggin strips don't taste like bacon! Just sayin.
      No fooling around, I wrote yesterdays blog and by 11:00 I was in the Green room doing my workout. Ten sets of Belly Crunches, Side Lifts, Front Lifts and no Stair Stretches. The Front and Side Lifts are making a real difference in the mobility in my shoulders. They still sound like someones popping bubble wrap in my shoulders but less pain every time. 200 One Stair Steps later I slid onto the Iron Maiden for another episode of Lilyhammer. I think thats fifty-two minutes. I'll check next time I ride the Maiden. To be honest after all these months, her seat fits my seat pretty good now.

Happy to be working out again

Speaking of Now. The Japanese girls who spent Christmas with us were named Mai, Esther and Nao. I wrote them phonetically and incorrectly.
I'm off the holiday food Binge! I ate what I wanted for three days. Here's where I started.

The start

The finish

Almost four pounds in three days! At that rate it would take me only thirty days to put back the forty pounds it took me 250 days to lose.
      I made myself Turkey Salad and Ham and Cheese lettuce wraps. As a last act of defiance I put Chef Boy R Lisa's cranberry sauce on my wrap.

      The Rat dogs haven't been off the property for a couple of days and it stopped raining so I packed them up and took them to see Mama Lee. We didn't spend much time with her because she was watching an Elvis movie. Love Me Tender. When Elvis pulled his guitar out at the campfire, and started singing love me tender to Gabby Hayes. I left before the sodomy scene started.

      Como Lake sat there under a slate grey sky, broken only by the wakes of the dozen ducks that swam to us in the hopes of a handout. They are fed so often they will come right up to you. You could hunt them with a nine iron!

Looks like I'll need my Driver

We went around the lake twice in twenty-eight minutes. We move a lot quicker without the grandkids.
      We were invited out but after all the excitement and effort of the last few days we decided on a stay home quiet Saturday night. We also still had half of the backup turkey and most of ham number two. In fifteen years we have never run out of food. We came close one year when Peter made a mashed potato volcano like in Close Encounters and three extra people showed up.
      The lovely Lisa had the full turkey dinner deal. I chopped up ham and turkey and made myself a Squatch Chef Salad. The lovely Lisa watched the Big Bang Marathon. I like the show a lot but I can't watch it more than once. It's not that it's not funny. I just know how it ends. I seldom read a book more than once either. So I went into the office and instead of writing the blog I played computer games and Listened to the Canada Juniors game. Canada beat Germany 4-0.
      After a prolonged vidiot session, I went out to see how the lovely Lisa was doing. Whatever she was doing she was doing it with her eyes closed.
      I woke her up. "Honey you fell asleep, go to bed" "I wasn't sleeping" she snapped. " Of course not, you were just practise snoring for later." She went to bed. I gave her a few minutes to forget what I said and went and tucked her in. She puts so much into these family dinners it just sucks the energy out of her. Or maybe it's just living with me!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

      

Who's a Fat Bastard - Cheap paper hats.

December 26, 2014

Our back deck. It looks like New York, New York circa 1985!

      If you were to look up the word Blah in the dictionary, I think you could possibly find my picture. At the conclusion of Christmas dinner my enthusiasm for the Christmas season faded away. Final count for Christmas dinner was twenty-one individuals who came together to share a meal and companionship with like minded people. I am sure they had as good a time as the lovely Lisa and I did. Now, we're just glad it's over.

   I was up before 8:00. I came out of the bathroom expecting to

make a pot of drippy Joe and kick back. When I stepped into the kitchen it was obvious that we didn't quite tidy up as well as I thought the night before.  I slipped back into Scullery Squatch mode and got to work on the kitchen while the drippy Joe was cooking. I'm being a drama queen. Chef Boy R Lisa and myself spent two hours washing dishes Christmas night. The dish rack was full and I had forgotten to turn on the dishwasher. Other than that it was just pans and pots and cutlery and stuff to go in the attic.

      When the drippy Joe was cooked and I was armed with a cup, I went out into the living room where the folding tables and twenty-one chairs were still set up. The living room was still on the front deck.

      The lovely Lisa was still in bed decompressing from her Christmas Day cornucopia. The living room was littered with the remnants of yesterday's festivities. Cheap paper hats and cheap plastic toys from the Christmas Crackers were scattered all over the living room. Broom in hand I sat down in front of the TV and ignored the rubble I was sitting in.

      My son-in-law Christian always comes over after these big family meals and helps me clean up. Between the two of us it only takes about twenty minutes. I didn't wait. It started off slow. I needed another cup of drippy Joe so I took a couple of the kitchen chairs back into the kitchen with me. 

With a fresh mug of drippy Joe, I used a TV tray as a temporary landing spot. I moved all the bits and bobs off the tables. I stripped down the Christmas themed table cloths for the laundry and took two more chairs out to the kitchen. The dozen or so folding chairs

live on the front deck. By now it was near 10:00 and the weather looked beautiful. I sat on the couch in the sun till my nipples were so hard they hurt! It looked beautiful but it was freakin cold!

      Our folding tables may be the heaviest folding tables ever constructed. Made from three-quarter inch plywood they weigh about seventy-five pounds each and are eight feet long. They live on the back deck. When I built the deck I created a couple of spots where the tables will fit right in between the studs. 

      With the room now cleared of all the furniture I sweep  and mop the floors. 

      Now I had to get the living room in off the front deck. With two people it's not a big deal, by myself a little more challenging.

I half lifted, half dragged the couch halfway through the sliding doors. Then like an Olympic vaulter I leaped over the couch back onto the deck and walked the couch into the living room. I did the same with the love seat and the coffee table but I couldn't get my recliner in. It's too big and awkward and heavy and falling apart at the seams. Kind of like me!

The lovely Lisa was now up and we sat in the newly reconstituted living room talking about yesterday. Christian got here just after noon and helped me bring the big recliner into the living room. He hung out for half an hour or so and then went back to his house where two over stimulated children were bouncing off the walls

in Christmas glee. 

      The lovely Lisa went shopping! I was stunned! The lovely Lisa is not a shopper. She must have a plan. On the other hand it gave me some time to write yesterday's blog. 

      But for now today is my last day of Christmas gluttony. As you may, or may not recall, I weighed myself before Mexmas on the 24th. I'm going to weigh myself on the 27th after Boxing Day's Hot Turkey sandwich binge. Right now though I'm making myself a ham and cheese sandwich on a cheese bun. 

      It was after 3:00 when I finished up and posted my blog, just as the lovely Lisa was walking through the door.With more Christmas lights! No really! 400 more lights! Next year you'll be able to see our living room from space!!

      We had invited our friends Gord and Penny over for turkey sandwiches and cards this evening. The lovely Lisa and I kicked back watching the Year in Review Hi-light  shows, while I was secretly wishing that Gord and Penny would get here so I could turn on the Canada/Slovakia  juniors hockey game. They arrived with twelve minutes gone in the first period and Canada already up three to nula, that's Slovak for zero.  

Once everyone had a cup of drippy Joe, we played a game of Screw Your Neighbor before dinner. Canada's juniors scored eight goals and well you already know how to say zero in Slovak.

I ate too much. 

Like a condemned man getting his last meal before the end of it all! I ate with Gusto! After today, no more ginger/shortbread cookies, no more egg nog, no more Santa face bread. 

Back to the lettuce wraps and Squatch salads. but that's tomorrow, this is now. Pass the pumpkin tarts!

      We played two more games of Screw Your Neighbor and Penny won them both. What kind of freaking guest is that?

The lovely Lisa and I tidied up and called it a night. In bed before midnight.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward

Who's a Fat bastard - Stuffed like a thirty pound turkey.

December 25, 2014

Hello Kitty

      By 11:00 a.m. the part of Christmas I don't enjoy was over.

Jen, Christian, Adam and the grandkids arrived after a leftover Mexmas buffet at about 10:00. That was the start of another Mental Ward Christmas.

      That however is not when my day started. I was out of bed at 7:00. Making a pot of drippy Joe and  finishing yesterday's blog. The lovely Lisa was up at 8:30 full of Christmas cheer and raring to go. Chef Boy R Lisa got a lot of the stuff prepped yesterday but there's still a lot to do. To start with, it took to extra large steel bowls just to mix the stuffing together. There's a pretty big hole in a thirty pound turkey! Chef Boy R Lisa says its going to take between four and a half and five hours for the behemoth to cook. 

      The lovely Lisa and I exchanged gifts. I got a new pair of slippers and a wallet. Ever since the great slipper incident of 2004, I get a pair of slippers from the lovely Lisa every Christmas, and I needed a new wallet. Mine fell apart after only twenty-seven years. 

      The lovely Lisa got a new pair of long johns that I bought in September and $40 worth of scratchers I bought at the 7-11, at 7-11 this morning . It's not like they were a pair of woolly Stanfields with a flap in the back. They are some kind of base layer thing that's supposed to be good to -20 degrees. When you start work at 2 a.m. In the GVRD in January, it's good to have good gear! Still it seems pretty lame. This is our fifteenth Christmas together. Our first Christmas together we spent way too much money on things that we didn't need or want. That's when the lovely Lisa and I decided that our gifts to each other would be our next trip. It's worked out very well for us. One of the other gifts we give each other is time.

It's often hard to find the time to sit and listen to each other. We try to spend time each day talking to one another.
      Lastly and most importantly we give each other love. We don't need any more stuff. The lovely Lisa, myself and our house are fully stuffed already. It's a funny thing about the human heart, no matter how much love you throw at it, your heart always has room for more. Definitely a renewable resource. I need a house that will do that.
      I went over to pick up Mama Lee for the gift opening. 

Present time.

When the grandkids showed up we got right down to the presents. I should have paid more attention. Bella was happy with everything she got. I think? 

Her best little girl smile

I'll have to look at the pictures. 

At least it's not another shirt!

Christopher definitely was not impressed with the amount of clothes that he got. I don't know about the hat thing?

I got nothing

Uncle Johns Extra Large bathroom reader was my gift from Jen and Christian. I'll never get off the crapper now! 

Thank you

      With the whole gift thing out of the way it was time to set up the house for dinner. The grandkids were down in the Green room playing, Christian and Adam were helping me set things up while Lisa and Jen continued to prep in the kitchen. When we do the family dinner we move all of the furniture from the living room out onto the front deck. 

Front Deck Living

We set up the two big folding tables. Each table can sit ten people comfortably. Twelve if there's no lefties.

We have been doing this three times a year for thirteen years

Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The last five years with Christians help. We've gotten pretty good at it. It took us all of twenty minutes to get the entire thing set up and with Adam helping, I didn't do a damn thing but watch the basketball game.

They packed up their goodies and the grandkids and were gone.

      Chef Boy R Lisa brought home the biggest turkey I have ever seen. She paid $.95 per pound and the bird cost $30.77. If you've never seen a thirty pound turkey, it's the size of a three year old. I know, I had a Hansel and Gretel flash myself.

      Chef Boy R Lisa has a roasting pan that is 28 inches by 28 inches and it barely fits in our oven. That's okay because the turkey barely fit in the pan! 

Optical illusion. Unless she has a thirty pound head and I never noticed?

      Chef Boy R Lisa put together her sausage stuffing before the kids got to the house to do Christmas so, all that was left to do was to stuff the bird. There was an amazing amount of stuffing going into the cavity of that bird. There was six pounds of hot Italian sausage used to make the stuffing, countless loaves of bread, mushrooms and onions being swallowed by the gaping butt hole of the Behemoth bird. Chef Boy R Lisa stuffs both ends of the bird. After the body cavity is filled she fills the neck hole where she's removed the gizzards and the neck. Then with a surgeons skill she sews up it's grizzled neck flap! When the Behemoth was stuffed, it took both of us to get it into the oven. Now that the monster turkey was in the oven Chef Boy R Lisa  prepped the sixteen pound  backup Turkey that was going to be cooked in an electric roaster on the back deck. The last available socket without turning off the Christmas lights. The roaster cooks the turkey perfectly but it doesn't turn the skin that beautiful crispy brown.

When it doesn't brown it looks kind of creepy!

      With both Turkey's in the oven Chef Boy R Lisa  took a break and the lovely Lisa came out to have a coffee and enjoy the beautiful day on our front deck which was now our living room.

     It didn't last long. Chef Boy R Lisa put together the dessert table

and put together pickle trays and a cheese plate. I fulfilled my Scullery Squatch duties as best I could. I did a large part of it from a chair planted in front of the basketball game. It was right about now that our guests started arriving. Chef Boy R Lisa has lightened up a bit over the last few years and now allows people to bring potluck dishes to our feast and even accepts their help when offered. For years she did it all herself with nothing but her slow witted Scullery Squatch to help. Now we basically just do the proteins and the condiments. And four different vegetables, cheese plates, pickle dishes, snack bowls and three deserts. 

With Lea's Santa bread, fruit tree and pecan pie!

That's before the pot part of the pot luck has even started! 

      We had a ridiculous amount of food and a massive variety to choose from. While I entertained people in the living room by watching the basketball game, Lisa's sister Angie hopped into the kitchen and I became redundant. Woooo hoooo. Chef Boy R Lisa's gravy started with the stock made from four previous turkeys. Angie was on the step stool stirring the rue then slowly adding the stock to the ever thickening gravy. As more and more people arrived, I had less and less to do. 

      Chef Boy R Lisa was out in the kitchen basting turkeys like a maniac! 

Master Baster

The Behemoth was finished in about four and a half hours.

It could be on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. 

Yummy

Chef Boy R Lisa said that a bird that big would need to rest for at least thirty minutes before it was carved. As soon as the behemoth was out of the oven the trays with the turnips, rutabaga and yams that Chef Boy R Lisa had parboiled yesterday went into the oven to roast. Willie's mashed taters were in the oven downstairs, thank you Tamara. Warming on the barbecue outside were two hams and a giant clay pot full of broccoli. Willie took control, carving the turkey and the ham.

Scots butcher in action

      Bro Steve showed up with his entourage of cute Japanese girls and the ingredients for Cesar salad. 

Mi, Esther, Now and Bro Steve

They are girls that Bro Steve works with and this is their first Christmas in North America, Mi, Esther and Now. It seems every year we have a couple of new people coming for dinner. They were saying that so many of the things they were experiencing at our Christmas dinner they were experiencing for the first time. Like Egg Nog. There was so much food! It took well over an hour to get through the meal. 

We ended up with twenty cool yulers

      After the meal was done and a partial cleanup was completed Mama Lee was ready to leave. 

Mama Lee

I packed her and a plate of goodies for the staff at Mama Lee's into the truck and took her home.

      When I got back the guitars came out. Mark and Lea, also known as Smoky Wine, had printed out song books of Christmas songs. It was big fun. I sang along as I pretended to help clean up. We had the Japanese rhythm section doing the percussion and singing along with everyone else. It was a very musical Christmas at Casa Lisa.

      By 10:00 everyone had put in a full eight hour shift and were tired of my tired old jokes. They collected their Care Packages and headed out. Hopefully with a belly full of food and a heart full of memories. That left the lovely Lisa and I to finish the cleanup. Bastards!

After the stock pot

      Chef Boy R Lisa washes and I dry. I say she washes because she's a control freak. She says "You do a lousy job and I'd rather just wash them once!" The nerve! "Lower your standards Babe." I said. "I married you didn't I?" she fired back.  Damn!

      It was close to 1 a.m. By the time we got the kitchen cleaned.

With the living room still out on the front deck, the lovely Lisa and I sat at on the kitchen chairs at the folding tables watching the Year in Review, for like ten minutes and three scratchers then the lovely Lisa went to bed. I tried to write the blog but I was way too, whatever I was to do it, so I went to bed about 3:00 stuffed like a thirty pound turkey. 

Merry Christmas One and all, even Mr Scrooge.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out y'all

©2014 Dave Squatch Ward