Return of the Fat Bastard - Open Ass Surgery

September 9th 2016

      Coming to you from the OPAT clinic at Royal Columbian Hospital. I've been coming here every day for IV therapy. Today is day five. It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I'll try to bring you up to date without getting into detail or being too graphic. I spent the first two days after my hospital visit in pain. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think! Is there a direct link between your brain and your butt?.... I don't know. I do know that there is a direct link between pain and the magnitude of a Butthead I become. Except for the OPAT visits I was flat on my back in my bed. The rest of the time I was a miserable Bastard! The lovely Lisa made an incredible chicken soup from turkey stock that filled the entire house the aroma of love, or maybe garlic. I haven`t had much of an appetite but did enjoy a bowl of soup.
      On the second day at OPAT the Doctor took one look at my butt and ordered a CT Scan. It has the same effect on most people. One look at my butt and they run away screaming! We were at home and I was back in bed when they called with a 5:00 CT Scan. We were in and out in 20 minutes. I was pleased it went well. the last CT Scan I had I broke the machine. I 400 lbs and when I was in the tube it wouldn`t come back out. I was pretty much filling the machine. I couldn`t even roll over. Finally a tech figured out the release and three of them pulled me out manually. That one was of the top of my spine, This one is of my left buttock glut so I only had to go half way in. I had lots of room in there. I could have had a party! The hardest part was getting there in the car. With Lisa Andretti at the wheel we spent as little time on the road as possible. Didn`t matter. The pain was constant and seemed to be getting worse. They had me stay back while they tracked down the CT Scan. Then they had me stay while they found someone to read the CT Scan.
      After reading the CT scan and discovering a large abscess that had been hidden from their probing fingers they decided I needed surgery. Open Ass Surgery! Okay,  I could have just said they were going to lance the abscess. But it's not very often you get to say Open Ass Surgery! The Doctor on duty that day was an eighty pound Asian woman who looked about twenty years old. On the bright side when I was on my side in the tuck position her work was right at eye level.Someone should invent a freezing that freezes your ass before they stick the freezing needle in! She went to work like a chef at Benny Hanas! Relief was immediate, nasty and messy. I went through a lot of panty liners in the next 24 to 36 hours. Maybe that's why they call them Always. And maybe I'm out of line here but I have had experience with five different types of panty liners in the last five or six days and the ones with the wings are by far the best. The best coverage and they stick really well to your panties, I mean underwear.
      Since then I've been going to Royal Columbian Hospital every day at 10:30 for my intervenous therapy and have the doctor check my wound. Everybody's happy with the progress but not so happy that I don't have to go back for more intravenous therapy. It's Friday and this is the first day I've actually been able to sit down. Mostly I've just been lying in bed and pissing the lovely Lisa off with my incessant whining. And I ate a bunch of her chocolate.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out y'all
   

Return of the fat bastard- My biggest fear is that I will find out I'm not a perfect asshole!

September 6th 2016

      Today was the first day of school for my Grandkids and for everybody's Grandkids. They stop by the house before they went to school this morning with their mom Jen. Then I went to Royal Columbian Hospital for my intravenous therapy. My diabetes is creating some issues. They have me in for a CT scan at 5 o'clock this afternoon. My biggest fear is that I will find out I'm not a perfect asshole! Since I'm still not able to sit, I think I'm going to take a few days off of blogging and try to get my, pun intended, shit together. Thanks to everyone who reads this mindless drivel.
      The Fat Bastard blog started out as a tool for me to lose weight. It worked really well and I got down to 271 pounds. After my heart surgery I ballooned up to 316 pounds. Even though I haven't been writing much about my efforts to lose the weight I have been working hard at it. This was this morning.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Still monkeeing around

September 4th 2016

      All the home remedies in the world weren't going to help my arse! Well at least not enough to prevent it from morphing into something worse. Since Friday night I had soaked in bathtubs filled with Table salt, because it is iodized, so I was told by Michelle with one L. Epsom salts because that's the Scots way was the advice of  Willie Curley, I sat in many a tub of Epsom salts as a child and Epsom Salts and Hydrogen Peroxide recommended by Angie and Larry who live in the boonies and are in to non pharma cures. Six soaks since Friday night. Make the water as hot as you can stand and it will draw out the infection I was told by everyone.
      Ten minutes in the tub and all my underwater parts came out of the tub looking like a half cooked lobster. Squatch Lobster if you will. Except my man parts which resembled a boiled shrimp in an Afro wig! I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't slept for more than four hours for the last two nights and strangely it wasn't the pain that was keeping me awake it was the smell. Okay it was the pain! Then the smell made it hard to get back to sleep. It's taking a long time to write this because I can only sit for a few minutes and when I tried to use my phone I spent more time correcting the speech to text than I did speeching to text! I spent the morning in bed until the lovely Lisa informed me that Angie and Larry were stopping by to collect their fan left behind at Squatchapalisa XIV last month. Too bad really. It was a way cool fan that had a built in mister and a short hose that could draw water from any container and it was battery operated!
      The lovely Lisa is an old school kind of Gal. If there is one thing you can count on if you're sick, the lovely Lisa will make soup. Gallons of soup! We have never eaten anything with bones that doesn't go into the stock pot with herbs and veggies. There are two plastic milk cartons in the bottom of our freezer and in these cartons stacked like LP's in the 70's are stocks made of Seafood, turkey, chicken, ham, beef, and lamb. That's the secret to making good soup! Start with a good rich stock. She made split pea and ham soup. Heavy on the ham! I never liked pea soup growing up. Till I
married the lovely Lisa I thought soup came out of a can!
      All of a sudden we were inundated with visitors. GMcT and his friend Sherry stopped by for a visit just as we were sitting down for soup. They had just come from Sunday breakfast so they weren't hungry. No one should ever eat before they come to our house. We had nice bowl of soup and a visit then I soaked my arse, showered and the lovely Lisa took me to the emergency.
      I'm like royalty at Royal Columbian. They have all my records and with my history of heart issues I move to the front of the line. The front of the line is only a four hour wait. I sat out in the holding area for about two hours before they put me in a bed. I slipped into the lovely robe provided free of charge and waited for the Doctor, and waited, and waited. When the Doctor arrived he went right at it. I lay on my side and he had me tuck my knees up so he could get a good look at it. " It's turned into cellulitis Mr Ward" he said. "I'm going to get the ultra sound machine and make sure there are no hidden pockets of disease."
      When he came back he said to me, after I had assumed the position " I'll try to be gentle!" Not what you want to hear from a man in the general proximity of your arse! "Everything looks good back here" he said. Really? I thought. Maybe it does look good. How would I know? I can't see it from here! I got dressed and they moved me to a chair. OUCH for intervenous antibiotics. I have to go to the hospital every day for the next few days for the treatment as well as taking oral antibiotics as well. I'm a little concerned about the amount of time I am on antibiotics. Now over 60 days this year. Still better than losing a leg.
      Once we were home I had another epsom salt bath, the Doctor said to keep them up, and now had to get ready for the Monkee's concert at the PNE.

My wound was still draining and of course the smell was also an issue. The lovely Lisa and the nurse at the emergency room came up with an idea panty liners! Today was definitely a day of firsts. A strange man poking around my butt and wearing a panty liner. What if I start to like that kind of stuff?!

      Hey Hey their the Monkee's, well two of them anyway. One's dead and the other is not traveling any more. Mickey Dolenz and Peter Tork are still monkeeing around. We were there in plenty of time until the lovely Lisa's parking prayer went unheard by Mother Mary. In denial the lovely Lisa circled several blocks for many minutes until 15 minutes before the show she finally caved and we paid twenty bucks to park on the far side of the horse track. We could have used a horse to get to the show! Not that I could have sat a horse! My panty liner might bunch up!

      It was a good show. Lots of clips from the show on the big screens and an excellent back up band. I was done twenty minutes before the end of the show but stuck it out. I was nearly crippled by the time we made it home. I had a soak and a bite and was done. In bed by 1:00 I was up before 6:00. I have been writing in ten minute spurts. That's all my butt can take.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all
   

Return of the Fat Bastard - I wanted to blame it on Pat Benatar!

September 4th 2016

When I could sit down!

      I missed it by a hair! Two days that is. I mean to say I missed two days by a hair. An in grown hair on my ass that is! I woke up Friday morning with with a lump on my arse. Not on the giant cheeks that make up my ass but on the part where the two cheeks meet. About one inch from ground zero if you get my drift. I wanted to blame it on Pat Benatar but the lovely Lisa informs me music can't cause an ingrown hair. That and I was already in pain before she sang a note! That may have been the most uncomfortable I have ever been.
      Why did we go to the concert? Because we bought floor seats for her show and she is one of the lovely Lisa's favorites. I realized I was in trouble as I got into the car and a spasm of pain shot through my nether reaches. I tried to suck it up but I was wiggling like a worm on a hook trying to find a spot that didn't hurt. We went to Tentatsu for dinner before the show and as you know Tentatsu is our go to Japanese joint. This was the least I have ever enjoyed a meal there. There was no way to get comfortable. We ordered our usual Sashimi Tuna and Avocado salad and a chicken teriyaki dinner. It was the same as always delicious but I wasn't hungry. I mostly pushed the food around on my plate and sat there staring at the lovely Lisa while she polished off our meal. We ordered a combo roll B for Steve who was waiting for us at the concert. He was in the free seats and we were on the floor in the reserved seats.
      The lovely Lisa found us parking on the back side of the recreation center for free. The sign said the parking was restricted until 7:30. It was 7:07 so we sat in the car on the empty block until we were surrounded by other cars. Everyone getting out and looking at the sign. We could hear them discussing whether they could leave their car or if they should stay until 7:30. The lovely Lisa and I left the car at 7:15 figuring that like all good Government employees they were probably not going to be out giving tickets fifteen minutes before the parking restrictions come off. We walked the block to the main gates, my backpack stuffed with cushions and rain ponchos because it had been raining off and on all day. We met up with Steve in the Amphitheatre and delivered his sushi rolls. He told us later he was bombarded with "Where did you get the sushi? questions. There is no sushi available at the PNE, How strange is that? You can get deep fried butter but not a California roll! I barely saw any of the Pat Benatar show. From the moment she walked on stage everyone on the floor stood up. Including the lovely Lisa. Come on! I paid $35 for this seat I couldn't even see the giant screens beside the stage. My carbuncle had now tightened up to the point that every movement sent a shiver of pain through my very core. How's that for drama.
      Not to worry. It didn't last. At this point if you're squeamish or easily offended you might want to skip this paragraph. My carbuncle exploded like a jug of milk left in the car on a hot summer day. How's that for a visual?! I finally was making the effort to stand up and see what was going on when it happened. I felt a momentary release of pressure followed by a soul crushing pang of agony and an aroma that was reminiscent of rotting meat. It was the same smell that came off of our old dog Sammy's ears when he got ear infections late in his life. I thought I was uncomfortable before, now I had all the same issues plus a puss filled skid mark in my shorts! I kept it to myself but I could see the reaction of the people around me as the aroma wafted about me. But enough about me.
      Pat Benatar was very good at what she does. I don't really relate to her music. Her husband, who she calls Spider was also her guitar player and co writer and had way too much distortion on his guitar in my opinion. Pat's voice is better than it was when she was young. Not so squeaky and kind of smokey. The lovely Lisa loved the show. I had other concerns. We met up with Steve after the show and he came with us to the car and we drove him back to his car and transferred my amp to his car for a show he was doing on Saturday in Point Roberts.
      \The lovely Lisa took me home where I showered then soaked my aching butt in salt water hoping to draw out the offending hair. It helped, but not nearly enough. I spent most of Saturday in bed. When I was out of bed I was in the tub with epsom salts. Three times yesterday I soaked my aching ass. I got out of bed at 4:00 to go to Rivers Reach for Pizza. I was going stir crazy and it only hurt when I sat down! Which is what you do when your eating dinner. It was good to see the folks we were meeting. GMcT and Sherry, Willy and Annie and Duffy. I managed to survive the dinner by getting up and walking around several times. I came home after dinner had another butt soak and went to lie down in bed.
      I shouldn't be in bed that early. I woke up at 6:45 and sitting on a stack of cushions wrote this for your morning consumption. The house is starting to come alive now. Michelle with one L is up and we're having coffee and not talking about my arse! I'm not putting up any pictures today because the lovely Lisa will leave me if I put up a picture of my carbuncle and anything else would be a letdown!
It's 8:30 and I'm off to soak my arse in the hopes that I will be sitting pretty at the Monkees show tonight.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - Another pictures from the past day.

September 1st 2016

Pakora and Tea at Vaisaki

      The first day of the ninth month blew in off the North Pacific and brought a ton of rain. You won't  like it here. It rains all the time. Especially when the PNE is on. Tomorrow night we have reserved seats for Pat Benetar and Sunday we have tickets for the Monkees. Dr Dan is going to be in town and I think we are doing the PNE with him on Saturday. It always rains during the PNE.

Making Sweets

      I was up before the alarm this morning The makeup audition for the one I was a day late for was at 11:30 I wasn't going to be late so I left the house at 10;00 prepared for traffic and for the horror show of finding parking. It stopped raining just before I got onto the highway, There was no traffic. I was there and parked an hour before my time. I have had three days to work on the lines so I feel confident that I will have a good audition. I sat in the car running my lines for about 40 minutes. I walked the block to the studio just as it started to rain. It was just the usual wet air until I was halfway down the block. That's when I started wondering why my umbrella was still in the car as it started to rain Wet Coast Style. I had plenty of time so I stood under the awning of an Auto Parts store and watched people scramble to their cars. I wanted them to get soaked because I was parked way farther away and now there were three parking spots within spitting distance of the Audition Space. They lasted about twenty seconds. It rained hard for three or four minutes then I was able to scurry through the thick air to the safety of the studio.

Sunset, these two pics were taken the same day in April

Ski Bunny Bella on an April afternoon at Cypress

      I was the only one there. With my past history in mind I checked the EMail and I was in the right place. On the corner of the desk was a sign in sheet but no people. It was for my project and as I was signing in I heard voices coming from the room. They were setting up the camera and  lights. It's a small space all white and bright. A couple of other actors showed up. Young handsome bastards! Probably not reading for the same role! They called me in on time. We said our Hi, how are you's and got right down to it. Nailed it! One take. I should do it in one take. I've had it for four days.I left the room feeling very good about what I did. Now I've moved on. It's in other people's hands.

Bella and Grandma Lisa on the lift at Cypress

      I drove home through the on again off again rain listening to the sports talk. For a while they kept talking about how good the BC Lions looked in a game the didn't score twenty points and won on a last minute field goal. What game were they watching? Go Lions Go!

Mama Lee at 15

     I should have gone to see Mama Lee. I talked to her on the phone earlier but it was raining pretty good and being made of sugar I didn't want to melt! I think that's what really separates us from the animals. Not our opposable thumb but our ability to rationalize our actions no matter how awful they may be. I'll go and play guitar for them tomorrow. That'll teach em!

Pool Closed

      I pulled the plug on the pool. I haven't used any chemicals for a week so I feel okay dumping it onto the lawn. I was going to take down the Pop up but it was soaking wet. So I spent the afternoon grazing and playing guitar until the NFL game came on at 4. The last preseason game. Patriots vs Giants. Amazingly dull. The Seahawks  vs Raiders game was no better. Now I'm done. It's 11:00 and the lovely Lisa is on her way home.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - I cried all the way home.

August 30th & 31st 2016

Mellow sunset

      Well, she's gone. I won't see her for another year. Christian took Clarissa to the Airport early this afternoon for her flight back to Toronto.

Clarissa

We all got together last night for a farewell dinner. Clarissa picked the restaraunt. Denny's! The lovely Lisa and I go to Denny's six times a year. I don't know why or exactly when it happened but it became a family thing. You get a free Grand Slam on your birthday. So on Jen, Christian, Isabella, Christo, the lovely Lisa and my Birthday's we all go to Denny's. By picking Denny's Clarissa has thrown my whole schedule out of whack! I'll have gone seven times this year! Oh the Horror! Actually it happened once before. On the lovely Lisa's Birthday August 1, We went to the Denny's near our house with her twin brother Steve and the rest of the family That night was the Symphony of Fire in English Bay. We had parked in a lot east of Burrard and walked the ten blocks or so to the beach. It was an easy walk. Downhill all the way. The lovely Lisa likes to think they do the fireworks on her birthday for her. I'm not sure what made up holiday is on August 1st. I could look it up but I don't really care. Every day is a holiday in my world. Okay back to the story. After the fireworks we were walking up Davie Street and I mean UP! It was after 11:30 and I was a Fat Bastard at about 350 lbs. So when I saw the Denny's sign it seemed like an opportunity to double dip on the Birthday freebie! Besides I had run out of air. The waiter wasn't happy when they ordered their free Grand Slams at 11:50. I just had coffee. I survived that extra Denny's trip I can survive this one.

Clarissa and technocolor Tweety Bird

      While Christian and the Grandkids were waiting for a table for eight Clarissa put a dollar in one of those crane machines full of stuffies and won! I've never seen anyone win at those things. But wait! Bella put in a dollar and won a stuffie too! Christo, maybe next time. Jen took time off work to be there and Grammy Sharon was there too. Grandma Lisa was still in her Chef Boy R Lisa gear but was there and that's all that mattered.

Grandma Lisa, Grammy Sharon, Christo and Christian

We are loud people! We call down the length of the table. We laugh a lot and as a rule, we order too much food. Here's the thing about a place like Denny's. Order off the menu. Don't say I'd like this but without that and a little extra of this. You won't get what you want. The guy cooking your food is looking at a picture. That's what your going to get. Not everyone in our family believes this to be true. It came wrong and in pieces it took the waitress three trips to get it right. Still it was better than Clarissa who didn't get her meal at all! She ordered spaggetti and meat balls evidently they sent to Italy for it. I had finished my Super Bird before her meal arrived.
      We dragged it out as long as we could but you can only take so much Denny's ambiance! Saying goodbye is never easy. We only see her once a year. It seems so long between visits. Saying goodbye in the parking lot of Denny's with the whole family there is easy. A couple of years ago I had to take her to the airport. She looked so small and sad as I turned her over to the flight crew, I cried all the way home. Next year we are hoping that her sister Jenna can come too. We haven't seen her in five years.
      The lovely Lisa showered and went to bed as soon as we got home. I got a text from my buddy Gerry the Sax. He was going to go to Judge Begbies Tavern for the Open Mic. I love playing with Gerry. We did five songs together.When I play with Gerry I play songs with lots of room for the Saxophone. We played one we hadn't played before. Turn the Page by Bob Seger. The first time I've sang it on stage. Gerry was great!
      This afternoon I was in town for an audition........A day late. It was yesterday. But wait! Not only did I go on the wrong day, I went on the wrong day twice! I drove in for 10:45 this morning. No one was there. I checked my email and the time of my audition was 3:25 I had read the time the email was sent as my call time. Duh!! So I drove back to Coquitlam. Had lunch. Made some noise with Evan, Michelle with one L's Grandson, he loves the Microphone. So I drive back into town and get to the studio and parked at 3:00. No one there, again. So I call my agent. "Am I in the right place/" I asked
"Where are you?" she asked. I told her and she went looking for what I was supposed to be doing. She had a little trouble finding it because it was supposed to happen yesterday. "Right place, wrong day." I'll call you right back. She called the casting director who wants to see me tomorrow at the call backs even though I missed my audition.
      The lovely Lisa is working late. I just finished watching the Bluejays/BC Lions games and I'm going to just kick back, work on my lines and get an early nights sleep.


That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Return of the Fat Bastard - I should have kicked more people!

August 29th 2016

Yeah, I got a seat!

      First let me say I didn't take any pictures today. So I threw in some PNE shots for filler. I do believe I've hit the wall. At least that's how I felt this morning. Thankfully the lovely Lisa is going back to work and the PNE is closed and I'm not interested in the next couple of shows. The day at the Fair with the Grandkids did me in. I didn't even do any rides! It ended up being twelve hours mostly on my feet. It was a lot of fun seeing the excitement, fear and relief on the Grandkids faces but I keep forgetting I'm an old man. With the new pipes I feel ten years younger! Unfortunately my neck, knees and hands feel about ninety! Hey, I'm not complaining. Okay, I am complaining! I am now feeling the effects of a life spent walking through things instead of around them. If I had known that my hands were going to hurt this much, I would have kicked more people! When the Doctor showed me the image of my knees and the arthritis in them and he told me I had moderate arthritis when I couldn't even do a flight of stairs without pain I wanted to slap him. But my hands were too sore! Now I have to admit the heart is willing but the body is worn out!

Sunset at Spanish Banks on Thursday.

      I do feel really good and I know that it's because I keep moving. I keep doing things. Largely I do things for one reason. The Blog. I need to have something to write about so I go out and do stuff. Mostly everyday stuff but I'm always looking for the humor or human condition in the simple things we all do. Whether its enjoying a sunset or shopping at the Stuporstore there's always something going on just under the surface.

Another ride I didnt go near.

      About 3:00 we went by Mama Lee's for a visit. We spent about thirty minutes with her in her room and then out in the garden to enjoy another beautiful Left Coast summer day. Mama Lee wants a TV in her room. We cant do that. She would never leave her room. Its so hard to say no all the time.

Clarissa in the Pink Capris

      The lovely Lisa and I have a shopping system. Two carts and two lists. I get all the big or heavy stuff. The lovely Lisa buys condiments!

Lined up 10 deep for those little donuts

      Home in time to watch the Bluejays game and have a little snooze in my chair. While I faded in and out Michelle with one L provided us with a beautiful slab of halibut. About 6:00 while I pretended to be asleep, the girls made dinner. Corn on the knob, broccoli and tomato-cucumber-onion salad to go with the halibut panfried in butter and garlic. A very nice dinner. Then the lovely Lisa went to bed and I went to the Heritage Grill to make music. I ordered a coffee and waited only a couple of minutes before the sign up sheet went out. I was signed up fifth but the first spot was open. I like the first spot but I thought I would let someone else have a go at it. No one wanted it so I moved myself up in the order. I like the first spot because there is more of an audience. The Ukelele club meets there from 6:00 till 8:00 and there's always a little of what I call Ukelele leftovers. They have just finished playing for two hours and still stick around to hear more music. And since I'm a story teller more than a musician I need to have someone to tell my stories to. Otherwise I'm just talking to myself!

I love this picture...such focus!

      After Greg Gorrie, who runs the open mic, warmed up the crowd I was on. I went solo tonight I often play with the house band but tonight I wanted to dedicate the songs and I wanted to do them my way. My Aunt Irene passed on the 29th of July but I just found out last week from my sister. I hadn't seen her in many years but I have nothing but fond memories of the BBQs at their house north of Danforth Ave in Toronto. I talked to the audience about where the song came from then played It Didn't Rain for Aunt Irene. Then I told them about Clarissa and her annual visit and how shes leaving for Toronto on Wednesday. I wrote the chorus to Clarissa when she was born then a whole lot of bad things happened and I was never able to put words to the rest of it. Then three years ago she came for a visit and bang, the words were there. I finished up with The Question. a song I wrote for the lovely Lisa Valentines Day two years ago. They were very attentive throughout and each song got a good round of applause. I moved slowly to the back of the room. Trolling for compliments I believe they call it. I hooked lots of them. Compliments that is. I put these songs on at the end of the blog. Most of you have already heard them but they're here anyway.

I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight!

      The lovely Lisa was already in bed before I left the house so I hung around drinking coffee and listening to the other acts. Crash, a poet with severe handicaps did one of his spoken word pieces with the help of his care aide Maureen. I have to say I admire the courage it takes to be him. I came home and wrote this post after a day of mental and physical reclamation. Goodbye dinner with Clarissa tomorrow night and time to take down the pool.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fjq0Tff-B7E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va6OnX0plsY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1arzlSlHXg

That's all Ive got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all