Who's a Fat Bastard - I was Pavlov's dog!

April 5, 2015

Easter Bunnies

      I spend most of Saturday morning, well, all of Saturday morning, writing. That's what happens when you don't write the blog for five or six days. It turns into War and Peace! I'm not sure why I have this mental block lately about writing? When I do finally forced myself to sit in front of the keyboard I seem to have no shortage of things to say. It's just the getting started part. When I look back on the week that just passed I'm surprised how busy I actually was. I'm also surprised at how difficult it is to remember where, when and at what time/day it all happened. Four hours into writing the last blog I was stuck on Wednesday! Some times when I'm stuck, I look at the pictures I have taken and it takes me back. Not this time. I had over 200 pictures. Most of them I don't recall taking. So with yesterday's blog half  written I decided I was going to go and play some music at Mama Lee's. When in doubt, run away!

      The best thing about playing music at Mama Lee's is they are all so happy to see me. Most don't remember me but that's okay too. They get to make a new friend every time I show up. When I got there Mama Lee was in the side lounge watching the Canucks trying not to make the playoffs. Bums!

I found a chair in the main lounge and started playing about 12:30. Soon the lounge was full of people who may or may not know that I was playing. You need to be very self involved to play for people in their nineties. Some times as much as half the audience is asleep at any given time. Mama Lee, Shirley and Mama Lee's table mate Irene always stay awake and Irene requests old country tunes. That works out great because I play a lot of old country tunes. I play from memory until 13:30 when I am dumped for BINGO. So I finish my set with a singalong about a farmer and his dog named, You guessed it, BINGO! Every time we got to the chorus someone would ask "What was that last number?" 

      Back at home, feeling refreshed and fulfilled I sat down and finished the blog. I promised myself I was going to bear down and stay on track for the last month of Fat Bastard. Like a New Years resolution, it didn't make it through the night. We all know what the road to hell is paved with and I was laying brick at a tremendous rate. 

      In my defence, we were expecting 20 people for Easter dinner on Sunday and Chef Boy R Lisa was already on the prep. Making cranberry sauce, dressings and anything else she could do in advance. I watched the Final Four Basketball games and pretended to clean the house. The lovely Lisa was so preoccupied I didn't even have to go to Tiny TV Town to watch it. I just had to be prepared as Scullery Squatch to stay on top of her dishes! Halfway through the afternoon the lovely Lisa was out the door to Costco for a lamb roast and a few other items needed for tomorrow. 

      When the lovely Lisa was done shopping, she texted me and I met her at Mama Lee's to fill out some cards to be mailed and then to Como Lake for a walk with the Rat dogs. It has been quite a bit cooler the last few days, dipping down into spring like temperatures for no apparent reason. Other than it's actually spring! We have most certainly been spoiled this year. Maybe this is the new normal? British Columbifornia, has a nice ring to it! Other than having to mow the lawn in February I kind of dig it!

      Tonight was a wrap party. No, not the lettuce kind but the end of season, going on hiatus kind. This one was for Once Upon A Time. Both Chef Boy R Lisa and my Daughter Jen worked on the show. I'm not a big fan of these parties. Especially when I wasn't involved. It consists of 4 hours of people slapping each other on the back and telling each other how great the season was. Tonights affair was in the ballroom at the Hotel Georgia. 

Spanish Ballroom at Hotel Georgia

After the lovely Lisa made me change three times we were ready to go.We picked up Jen and Christian at 19:30. Christian was wearing a dress shirt and nice pants and a fuzzy jacket that made him look like a Mexican Fozzy Bear! Jen was not impressed. I was, lucky Bastardo! I looked like a valet. I was standing out front when a guy pulled up in a Mercedes, handed me his keys and said park it. I did. In an alleyway at Main and Hastings. 

      As much as these things suck for me they are way worse for Christian. There are always people at these things who know me so it's not so bad. Jen and the lovely Lisa flit from person to person hugging and telling lies while Christian stands off to the side and eats as many of the canapes as he can get. It was a slider spectacular. Burgers, hot dogs and beef in Yorkshire's made the rounds with Christian in hot pursuit. It was all big carb stuff so I went easy on the food. The lovely Lisa looked great in a thigh length sparkly black dress and some shiny hooker heels. Her nickname on set is the Queen of Tarts. I knew quite a few of the crew and most hadn't seen me since last years wrap party. They were amazed at how losing 55 pounds can change the way you look. I am very proud of what I have accomplished but it was getting a little embarrassing. Some people went on and on about it. I went and hid the lobby with Christian until they started the blooper reel. Lot's of inside jokes and I ended up back in the lobby talking travel with one of the other husbands. Everyone was given 2 drink tickets on arrival. Extra tickets $10 each. I drank water and the lovely Lisa had coffee. I was driving and the lovely Lisa doesn't drink. They made her give up a drink ticket for the coffee. It shouldn't be the Hotel Georgia it should be the Hotel GougeYa!

Jen and I don't know who?

3 hours after Christian and I were ready to go Jen said we could leave at any time. I was off to get the car in a heartbeat. "Meet me out front in five minutes" I said. I pulled up and Jen and Christian were waiting. No lovely Lisa. I was double parked at the Valet Service and the shooed me along. I turned the corner and sat in the no stopping zone on Georgia Street while Christian went in to find the lovely Lisa. Five minutes later Jen got out of the car to go look for Christian and the lovely Lisa. We were finally pulling away from the curb when Jen said " I could have stayed longer" "Me too" the lovely Lisa chimed in. I can understand Jen wanting to stay. She was the only one of us drinking and as upper management had a never ending supply of drink tickets. The wine was going down like water. 

      "We want to go to Burger King! We were so busy schmoozing we never ate anything." Christian was stuffed full of sliders and had no interest in eating anything else. I would wait till I got home and have something healthier than a Whopper and onion rings. It was like the Last Temptation of Christ! As soon as the bag was opened in the car the smell attacked my olfactory nerves with a vengeance! I was Pavlov's dog! At the first whiff of Whopper my mouth started to salivate and I was mesmerised as the lovely Lisa slowly savoured every onion ring. When she peeled back the foil wrap on the Whopper and the smell of the reconstituted cow parts hit me I had to roll down the window for air! The lovely Lisa managed to make that Whopper last all the way home. Back at home I ate a bag of pork rinds, had a shower and crawled into bed before midnight.

      Up at 07:30. The sun was shining and I think Jesus is still dead. I'm not a religious person but I'm for any holiday that involves good food. I honestly didn't realise it was Easter until people started phoning mid week to find out why they hadn't been invited to Easter Dinner. Chef Boy R Lisa had as usual gone Catering Crazy! Lamb, Ham, and Turkey were on the menu. I sat and drank coffee and watched the news until around 10:00 when the lovely Lisa awoke from her Whopper induced coma and Christian showed up with Jen and the kids to help me rearrange the living room into a dining room. While Chef Boy R Lisa started prepping the turkey and getting her seven different veggies together while discussing I don't know what with Jen, Christian and I moved the living room out onto the front deck. 

We have done it so many times over the years it only takes us about five minutes now. We had 20 coming for dinner so that's an easy setup. We have 2 folding tables that can sit 12 people at each. Table cloths and chairs and we were ready to go.

Doing the bunny hop

      The turkey was in the oven by 14:00 and the ham, coated with Chef Boy R Lisa's homemade glaze was in the roaster 10 minutes later. With the dining room done and the kids gone I was once again Scullery Squatch. 

While Chef Boy R Lisa started prepping veggies I did her dishes. Chef Boy R Lisa was doing the following veggies. 

Roasted;  Carrots, Rutabaga, Parsnips and Asparagus.

Steamed; Brussels Sprouts, Green Beans and Broccoli.

My ex wife Sharon brought her amazing Brown Sugar Baked Squash and Willy made his famous Cream Cheese Mashed Potatoes.

      At 15:00 we started to prep the Lamb. We were going to do it on the BBQ rotisserie. Chef boy R Lisa collected some Rosemary and other herbs from the garden and studded the Lamb with garlic. I preheated the BBQ to 550 turned on the rotisserie and turned the heat down to 375. 

That seals the meat and holds in the juices. It only caught on fire once! With things well in hand I turned my attention to the back yard. I was planning to mow the lawn but instead stood there staring at the frame of the trampoline. It was such a nice day and I knew the kids would like it so I put the trampoline back together. 

Willy and Annie

Willy and Annie were the first to show up with their 2 dogs Lincoln and Mac, followed by Jen, Christian and Sharon with the Grandkids. 

Lyndsey

They never got off the trampoline. People started arriving in droves. Jan and Joan, 2 of Mama Lee's friends, Gord and Penny, Steve and Lyndsey with 2 more dogs, Little Bit and Levi. 

Mama Lee

 Michelle and her son Ronin with their dog Whitney got here. Michelle is one of Jen's oldest friends going back to when they were 14 in high school. They reconnected a few years ago and she has become a part of the family, never missing our family dinners. Mark and Lea were the last to arrive having driven back down from the Okanagen to be here. We were now up to 7 dogs and 21 people. I had the computer hooked up to the TV playing random pictures off the hard drive while I had Galaxy music playing in the background. 

Some of the food!

Dinner was served at 18:00 and as always it was delicious! I stayed low carb with a plate full of meat and veggies. There was pie and cherry brownies and gelato for desert. Screw the carbs! I had gelato and a small brownie. Okay, it was smaller than my head!

The lovely Lisa, Joan and Mama Lee

      Everyone pitched in with the dishes and the place was reasonable before they started to leave. By 21:00 the lovely Lisa and I were alone. It took us about an hour to get everything cleaned up. I put the folding tables back in their place and brought the living room in off of the deck. I can do it myself but it's hard to move a couch by yourself. I would prefer to leave the stuff on the deck until morning but the lovely Lisa thinks that animals will come and sit on the furniture. Probably Raccoons come and smoke there. That's why they wear those masks. Can't pick them out of a lineup! We wound down with a few episodes of Family Feud and hit the sack about 01:00 knowing that we had sent our family and friends home happy and with a doggy bag. 

Mark, Lea and Me

      The Easter thing doesn't mean anything to me. Religion doesn't mean anything to me. Any of them. I believe that God lives inside of each and everyone of us. Religion is just a way to control people and generate money. Kind of the commercial arm of God. I choose not to participate. However, I'm all for any excuse for a dinner party!

That's all I've got

Till Next time

Peace out Y'all

©2015 Dave Squatch Ward